Men, are you just another "kitchen klutz"? Many men are, even today, even in our new age of male celebrity 'cheffery' - yes, hard to believe, but many men are still living in the 1950's, mentally, expecting their wife or "squeeze" just "conjure up" their meals for them, 3 times a day: that's Yours Truly's theory, anyway!
Like area man Jerry Sapperton, who's making all the headlines locally today, at least according to those hard-working local "journos" at Onion News, and their latest 'scoop' ! Kudos, fellas, another 'gem' !!!
My own medium-to-long-suffering wife Lois is in a much happier position than poor Mrs Sapperton, I'm pleased to report, because I myself have a number of signature dishes that I can "conjure up" in the event of her absence, so she doesn't ned to worry !!!!
Top of the list is my justly-famous "poached egg surprise", followed by another old favourite, my "corn beef surprise" and my "tin of mince beef surprise" - the examples are almost legion. The "surprise" element is simply that there is no surprise, and that, reassuringly, you're guaranteed see a bunch of scrumptious boiled potatoes and a "dollop" of frozen peas (cooked - don't worry!) somewhere on the plate: varied slightly because they're sometimes on the left and sometimes on the right. With optional ketchup or brown 'hp' sauce, needless to say.
flashback to April 2022 - I delight my wife Lois with one of
my 3 "signature dishes" - and this one's a real 'doozy':
my 'Poached Egg Surprise', hugely praised (by me (!))
My "Colin's twist" is simply that there is no twist: I think people are fed up with the chef adding some kind of person twist to a recipe - it's pure "swank" isn't it, when it comes down to it: so it's a bit of a novelty, I feel, when a meal comes delightfully "untwisted", like all my personal "signature dishes".
Refreshing, or what !!!!
And that's why, this morning, Lois seems totally unfazed (she claims (!)) by the prospect of one of my 'signature lunches': this time I've planned one of my critically-acclaimed (by me!) "cheese and cucumber sandwich with a bowl of vegetable soup" extravaganzas.
And the occasion? Well, it's Lois's first ever lunch with the cataract newly removed from her left eye, and she's feeling a bit "naff" - hence my offer to don my chef's hat, and spring "kitchenwards" into a spot of culinary action!
Yes, Lois has just this very morning had the cataract surgically removed by those clever guys at Optegra Eye Laboratory in Guildford Surrey.
flashback to this morning: we fight the crazy rush hour traffic
on the Guildford and Godalming Bypass, to arrive by 8 am at the
futuristic headquarters of Optegra Eye Hospital; we take our seats in the
creepily deserted "waiting-area" - yes, that's us on the right, still looking
a bit "bleary-eyed" - and that's just from "too early in the morning syndrome" !
The friendly Optegra guys asked us to be at their hospital in the Guildford Science Park by 8 am and, on our arrival, Lois is quickly "summoned" and taken upstairs by staff, although the operation doesn't actually start till 9 am, she tells me later. The Optegra guys have adopted a super-efficient "conveyor belt approach", apparently inspired by US car-maker Henry Ford's 1903 Assembly Line System - there are 4 cubicles so there are always four patients in there being "done"; and when one's patient is "done and dusted", they're simply replaced by somebody new. That's what I call "genius" !
For the final part, when the surgeon is going-through the "do's and don'ts" of the patient's next 4 weeks (mostly don'ts !!!!), the patient's husband/wife/current "squeeze" or whatever, is permitted to "sit in", on the premise that "four ears are better than two", as the old saying has it!
Lois back home after her cataract operation: (left) on first
arrival savouring a cup of coffee and (right) later, as the sun
sets over our home-town: sleepy, semi-rural Liphook, Hampshire
We've got to make sure that Lois's "eye-shield" doesn't come off when we're in bed. When Lois had the cataract in her other eye removed, back in 2016, they gave her an eye-patch to wear, so the science has obviously come on a bit - although Lois says that the pirate-style eye-patch she wore in bed that time was "much more fun and much less 'fiddly' ", and I can see her point.
her first cataract operation: the "pirate-style" eye patch (see inset)
she wore in bed after that one was "much more fun and much less 'fiddly' "
than the plastic eye-shield she's been given this time around
What a crazy world we live in !!!!!
20:00 Hard to believe, I know, but when Lois and I finally sit down on the couch for an evening's TV viewing, we find that that hard-working ex-cabinet minister Michael Portillo is embarking on yet another series of his "great train journey" celebrity-travelogues - what madness!
Only last Friday he finished a 20-part series on "Great Continental Train Journeys" on BBC2 and polished off another 6-part series on Portugal for Channel 5, and now this week, here he is again, repeating the formula, this time featuring Great Train Journeys in good old 'Blighty', would you believe (!).
His poor old wife, successful business-woman Carolyn Eadie, must literally never see him, as it suggests in the Radio Times 'blurb' (above) - although Lois comments that that might be a bonus from her viewpoint, because it'll "get him out from under her feet" - who knows? (Let's hope Lois isn't thinking of me here, when she makes that comment! - perhaps I should be told, and quickly!!!!. Just saying!!!!)
ex-cabinet minister and celebrity travelogue aficionado Michael Portillo,
seen here with his wife of 40 years plus, business-woman Carolyn Eadie
In fact iron production was already happening in a more primitive kind of way, here in the south-east back in the Iron Age (the clue's in the name - duh!!!!). And it was one of the main things that persuaded the Romans that it might be worth coming here back, in 43 AD, thus adding Britain to their Continent-wide empire, and getting all our iron for themselves.
Plus the Romans didn't let the Ancient Britons put any "10% "tariffs" or that kind of malarkey on imports of the swords etc that the Romans then made with it, either - Donald Trump please note haha!!!!
I suspect that Donald reads my blog, by the way. He's never commented on any of my 'posts', but maybe this "playful" leg-pull will finally spur him into action maybe? So watch this space!!!
And if it hadn't been for The Weald's iron, plus the tin in Cornwall, the Romans might have said "Screw Britain, you have to cross the English Channel to get there, plus, the weather's a bit "naff" anyway - so why bother!!!", and our history might have been, well, oh so different.
[It wasn't called the English Channel in those days, Colin. That came later as part of the agenda of the so-called MOBGA movement - Make Our Blighty Great Again. Just saying! - Ed]
Maybe, if the Romans had never come here, then British history would have been more like the history of Scandinavia, where the Romans never penetrated, do you think?
The house in nearby Churt, Surrey, where mine and Lois's daughter Alison and family are living temporarily, is owned by a bunch of Swedes, and we noticed when we visited recently that it's been furnished with a charming traditional Swedish "Mora" clock in the living room.
(left) flashback to March 14th when Lois and I visit our daughter Ali's house
near Churt, Surrey, just before she and her family moved in - ringed you'll see
their landlords' charming, traditional Swedish Mora clock
It may be fanciful to say this, but might even Mora clocks have been first developed in Britain, and not Sweden, if the Romans had never come here?
I wonder.....!!!!
And by the way, Britain currently doesn't put any tariffs whatsoever on the import of Swedish Mora clocks, Donald, please note (again) haha!!!!!
Just saying !!!
Will this do?
[Oh just go to bed, will you, and don't bodge Lois's plastic "eye shield", while you're "about it", you clumsy klutz, Colin! - Ed]
22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzz!!!!!
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