Saturday June 14th 2025 "Dear reader, can YOU speak 'American' ?"

Dear readers, did you see this morning's US News, I wonder, "buried" there towards the middle in your "fix" of Onion News this morning? The US is a big country and you can "bet your bottom dollar" that there'll be something or other going on in it almost every day, that's for sure! 

This particular news-story a bit of a shocker, to put it mildly, so I suggest you put down your morning cup of Earl Grey before you read it!

I'm aware that some of my fellow British Onion-readers will have given up on this story as being too hard to understand, so let me help you out here with some footnotes from my "Colin's Handy Guide to American English" (still in print, by the way, after 40 years, which says something about its functionality, to put it mildly!). And, by a handy coincidence most of what you will need to understand this story is on p.94 of my guide (see below) !!!

Let me put my cards on the table at this point. My medium-to-hard-pressed wife Lois and I are fully bilingual, having spent 3 years in the States in the early 1980's, when we were bringing up our 2 daughters Alison and Sarah. The girls were only 7 and 5 years old, respectively, when we first touched down, as a family, at BWI International Airport, Baltimore, back in the late summer of 1982.  

flashback to the early 1980's: me and our two daughters

Sarah (left, 5) and Alison (7) soon after our arrival in the US,

before we'd had the chance to buy any American "gear" to wear (!)

To make things quick and easy for you, my Guide has a special section on page 94 dedicated to "Skyscraper Accident News Stories", which is, at most, just a 10-minute read, unless you've done my speed-reading course (also still in print, incredibly!), in which case you'll just "zip" through it!

There you are, you see - not as difficult as you imagined, I'm guessing! So go back and read that story again with my handy guide at your fingertips.

No, do it now haha !!!

And even today, my medium-to-hard-pressed wife Lois and I "let slip" the odd "Americanism" which we picked up during our three years "stateside", a fact which may surprise you!

[You don't say! - Ed]

Let me put my cards on the table at this point [haven't you done that once already, Colin? - Ed].

It was only 5 months ago that Lois and I moved into our current 1970's-build home in rural, semi-leafy Liphook, Hampshire, and our windows are looking so dirty now, we can hardly see out of them, to be honest! 

flashback to October 2024: our windows seen here in happier times

when Lois and I looked round house and garden for the first time

So it was with particular satisfaction that today we found a "window-washer" (Pardon my American!], a local guy called Jason, who's going to come to us on Monday to give our windows the "once over", mainly so that we can resume our careers as "nosy neighbours" (!).

Step forward here, the spiritual leader of Britain's thousands of nosy neighbours, Mr Michael Caine, and please note - Colin and Lois are - at long last (!) - back in business, and back at the window !!!

"My name is Michael Caine and I am... a nosy neighbour" - 

film star Caine's famous catch-phrase and calling-card.

Caine, seen here with long-time collaborator, comedian

and ex-Southampton milkman Benny Hill, who supplied

Caine with crucial information about when families

were going away on holiday

[Is that all you two noggins have done today, Colin - engaged a "window-washer"? - Ed]

Well, no, actually, if you want to know! We've had a hard day bird-spotting on Old Man Lowsley's Farm this morning, then come back and watched the King going through his third, punishing Trooping the Colour ceremony, before going upstairs for afternoon nap-time. I even found time to buy a Fathers Day card in the Co-op for our son-in-law Edward, and Lois did some weeding in the garden. So we're actually quite tired by 9 o'clock when we reach for the remote control and switch on the "telly" for another episode of Jane Austen's "Mansfield Park". 

[You lazy bastards! - Ed]

And here's our day in a nutshell, if you want "chapter and verse" (!!!!).

[That's enough birds! - Ed]

And tonight, on "Mansfield" second episode, there's a lot going on too, would you believe. And Lois and I didn't realise that this BBC series, first broadcast in 1983, was the first ever screen adaptation of an Austen novel, on either TV or at the cinema, which seems incredible when you think how Austen has dominated so much of the UK's telly and movie "space" since then.

So it's "Come back, Jane, all is forgiven!" - and suddenly you're "modern" again! Although, having said that, Lois particularly likes this first TV adaptation from the 1980's, precisely because it keeps the early 19th century language, and doesn't try to "jazz it up" or make it too "snazzy" or "woke", which is nice!

In this iconic scene, rich cousin Edmund and his rich friend, Miss Crawford, take poor relation Fanny [Price] on a punishing walk through the grounds of Edmund's lavish family mansion in the depths of Hampshire.

Poor Fanny, however, soon gets tired and wants a sit-down, and a dispute develops as to exactly how far a distance the trio has covered.

Lois and I used to have this kind of argument quite a lot on our daily walks, until we bought a so-called "tracker", which she wears under her top, and which somehow electronically counts our number of steps, and from that, it's a simple calculation to work out the number of miles, or even "furlongs" if you want to be super-accurate (!).

At this point, Fanny interjects to protest that a few minutes sit-down is all she needs before carrying on with the walk. Unfortunately Miss Crawford doesn't let her get away with that, to put it mildly!

Aha! 

So that's maybe why Lois and I always feel so tired - we're doing too much resting, that must be it !!!!

I wonder......! 

Back in "Mansfield Park", however, Miss Crawford just has to be on the move again, but Edmund won't let it drop about the distance they've walked already.

Enough already, Edmund! Just go out and buy a "tracker" - that'll settle all the arguments !!! And don't be bullied into saying "half half a mile" instead of the more natural-sounding "two furlongs" !!!!!

For me, as a long-time "language buff", it's especially interesting for to study the authentic early-1800's English of the characters, which for once the BBC has allowed to stay in the programme - thanks, "Aunty" !!!

In this episode, the grasping Mrs Norris is accused of "sponging" several items off her richer relatives during a visit to their mansion. Yes "sponging" - a word which struck a somewhat jarring note with Lois and me. Surely "to sponge things off somebody" is modern slang, isn't it?

Well, no, "sponging things off somebody" isn't modern at all, as it turns out, and Lois confirms this by looking the conversation up in her copy of the book, and there it is, in black and white, just as Jane Austen wrote it all those years ago. 

The usage actually has been around since at least the 1630's, according to the experts:

Fascinating stuff, isn't it!

[If you say so! - Ed]

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzz!!!!!