Danskcolin: Monday April 14th 2025 "Newsflash: there's a trade war coming. Newsflash: no, cancel that, it's off again haha!"

With all this talk about a new world "trade war", people have started to talk about hoarding again - have you noticed? It was all over the Onion News here in Hampshire UK the other morning, so, if you're "local" you must have an inkling at least! And it's certainly given all those pessimistic "doomsayers" some "doom" to "say" something about, hasn't it! Plus, it's given them things to do, which is nice - yes, time to "get busy" !!!!!

the Betty Mundy's Bottom branch of fast food retailer Greggs

And "as any fule kno" [sic] Greggs is one of the UK's 3 "essential stores", particularly as we get older, as this helpful graphic spells out:

Is that guy right? Or is he right!

But let me put my cards on the table at this point.

You see, "Yours Truly" has been expecting a bit of what-I-call "hoarding hullaballoo" for a few days actually. And yes, as usual I'm "ahead of the curve" on this one again. First there was that story about "no loo roll in the Gents" at the weekend, but it was a bit hidden, or "flushed away" (!) - no pun intended! - on page 94, with some other trivia, beneath the paper's popular "Your Tariffs Tonight" column, upstaged again by another shocking theft from the dorm study area.

Then - suddenly almost out of the blue this morning, there was this "doozy".

Well, are people hoarding loo rolls again. Not generally, no, but there are some not-quite-honourable exceptions - no names no pack-drill !!!!

You see, my medium-to-long-suffering wife Lois and I had an early (11am - yawn yawn!) appointment with our new "foot woman", Zoe, today and we were both looking forward to seeing whether "she'd ramped up" or "vamped up" (!) the collection of attractively packaged loo rolls that she keeps in her loo, and we weren't disappointed, to put it mildly!

mine and Lois's new "footwoman" - podiatrist Zoe (top left), and

chiropractor Kathy who shares Zoe's compact local premises,

just over the county border from us in nearby Surrey

"But surely that 'loo roll scare-story' was "debunked" later today, wasn't it, Colin? What we blog-readers want to know is what did Zoe think of your toes", I hear you cry. [Not me, I've just been on-line cancelling my 1000-roll order on the Andrex website! - Ed]

Well, seeing as how you're obviously "gagging" to know Zoe's foot-assessment of us (!), I'm happy to report that she told both Lois and me that our feet were "looking good", so that's nice.

me waiting in Zoe's compact "waiting-area", while Lois gets "done",

and reading all Zoe's uplifting pep-talk slogans etc

After Lois gets "done", I tell Zoe during my own session, that Lois has just had her cataract removed at Guildford's Optegra Eye Hospital, which is good, but that Lois is telling me she can see all her wrinkles now, when she looks in the mirror. And Zoe agrees with me, that Lois has got lovely skin, and that nobody would believe Lois will turn 79 this year, as have I already, which is a bit scary to put it mildly!

On the other hand, nothing says you're old like having to pay somebody to cut your toe-nails for you, does it. Be realistic haha !!!!!

[Is that all you two numpties have done today, Colin? Lain down on a couch like a Roman emperor and empress, and chatted to Zoe while she cuts your toe-nails and massages and oils your feet? - Ed]

Well, seeing as you're asking, my answer to that is "no with a capital 'N'!

You see, as soon as we left Zoe and Kathy's premises, with our shiny new feet, we were out walking on nearby Ludshott Common, looking smug, and road-testing - or should I say muddy-path-testing (!) those newly cut toenails and newly-massaged toes in amongst the common's myriad gorse-bushes, which have come fully into flower since we were last here.

after our session with "foot-woman", a.k.a Zoe, we road-test,

or muddy-path-test our newly oiled feet over Ludshott Common

[There's no ned to look so smug for these photos, Colin. I happen to know how you struggle to keep up with Lois, who 'runs' rings around you when it comes to her ruthless speed-walking, to put it mildly! - Ed]

Well, that's true, Lois is much fitter than me, and can be a bit of a 'ruthless' walker at times. I've often suggested to her that she'll need to start wearing a "sports bra" for our walks, especially when the warmer weather comes - yikes!

And, recalling this, we can't help smiling when, later today, Steve, our American brother-in-law, sends us his pick of the week's amusing Venn diagrams, which he monitors for us on the web.

Yes, health warning - "speed-walking" without a sports bra can be dangerous - and to be serious for a moment, some women can really do some serious damage, both to themselves and to others, with some of their often randomly targeted "wild swings", can't they.

What a crazy world we live in !!!!!

Ludshott Common is a beautiful place for a walk, however, although it wouldn't have looked so great in World War II, because it was used as a base and a tank training-ground for many of the Canadian troops who came to Britain's aid in 1940, and who reputedly turned the common into a "sea of mud". Still, no complaints about that, Lois and I say!!!

Looking further back in history, Ludshott Common was once the property of Anglo-Saxon king Edward the Confessor. It transferred to Norman ownership after 1066, and became the property of Norman bigwig Hugh de Port, who was made Sheriff of Nottingham, and later Sheriff of Hampshire.

(left) Norman bigwig Hugh de Port, coming over to England with William

the Conqueror in 1066, later becoming Sheriff of Nottingham

and then Sheriff of Hampshire - what a guy!

Looking even further back, Ludshott Common on the edge of the Weald, goes back about 300 million years, according to Charles Darwin, based on his famous "rule of thumb" that the landscape would have eroded by about 1 inch per century.

And by coincidence, in the evening, Lois and I see that indefatigable ex-Cabinet Minister, Michael Portillo discussing the age of the English Lake District on the next bout of his train travels - this time in Cumbria (i.e. what Lois and I still call 'Cumberland') and also Dumfriesshire over the border, in Lowland Scotland. He begins tonight on the shores of Cumbria's Lake Windermere.

Michael begins by lamenting the fact that even here in the English Lake District, the highest mountain is only about 3000 feet above sea-level (1000m).

At that time, also the present-day England and the now-nearby Scotland were on different continents, England being in the Southern and Scotland being in the Northern Hemisphere, but 420 million years ago, at the end of a long process of floating about, the ocean between us finally vanished altogether.

Then for what must have seemed like several millennia [That's because it was! - Ed] Scotland "rode" England, after "mounting" her, rather unromantically, some would say (!), but thereby creating the hills, and later the lakes, of the English Lake District, which was a nice bonus.

We see Michael tonight discussing this rather rough "coming together" of the two countries with a local geologist, who explains that around 2.5 million years ago the Earth suddenly became a lot cooler. Scotland continued to "ride" England, and eventually, five or six "feeder" glaciers would have come off the high fells here, gouging out Lake Windermere and the other lakes,

Just "dumped their load" did they? How charming!!!!

And as so often in these series, Michael is able to give us the benefit of his long experience of being a UK Cabinet Minister, under Margaret Thatcher and John Major, and so able to throw a unique political sidelight, even when it comes to primeval geology, which is nice.

Fascinating, isn't it, to get these little "insider" snippets of high-level political negotiations!

And what a crazy United Kingdom we live in !!!!!

21:00 We go to bed on an interesting programme about Hampshire-born comedian Benny Hill, who, about 400 million years ago (it seems!), although actually only 40 years or so ago (!), ie. in the 1980's became Britain's first ever "cancelled" star.

Yes, "poor Benny" is right, we think.

And Lois and I are in agreement that Benny was quite unfairly "cancelled" by his TV channel, Thames Television. Unfair because the one thing Benny didn't do was discriminate. He made fun of everybody, completely without malice - and everybody was potentially the butt of one of his sketches (no pun intended!!!!), were they [grammar buffs please note: imperfect subjunctive!], were they white, black or yellow, male or female.

And the scantily-clad women in his sketches didn't have to appear in them if they hadn't wanted to - that's what we say, anyway!

Benny often made fun of himself - e.g. making fun of his own past as a young milkman in Southampton, which is what he was before getting into showbiz. His chart-topping single "Ernie, the Fastest Milkman in the West" testifies to this:

Benny Hill, recalling his own teenage years in Southampton,

as Ernie - "the Fastest Milkman in the West"

Loiss and I think that Benny probably made a fatal tactical error in introducing the uncomically sexy Hills Angels into his shows, inspired by the Hot Gossip dancers on the Kenny Everett Show. That was a bit of a hostage to fortune, we speculate.

Thinking realistically, however, Thames TV would probably have cancelled him anyway. given the climate of the UK in the 1980's.

What was he like as a person? A quiet shy man, apparently, who liked nothing better than spending days at home on his own, thinking up ideas for sketches or comic songs, and watching TV. What's not to like about someone like that?

Here he is, sending up 1950's TV celebrity chef couple Fanny and Johnnie Craddock,

As always, Johnnie just stands around looking useless, but exploiting every opportunity to gulp down some of Fanny's cooking sherry while her back is turned.