Monday September 28th 2026 "Clothes - always a worry! Are YOU certain you're dressed appropriately for the day's duties?"

Yes Friends, just take a look in the mirror! Are you dressed in the right 'togs' for what you've got to do today? Clothes are a real nuisance, aren't they - they cause us trouble when they need a wash, or have had a wash, and they even cause us trouble when they're nice, even, which is mad!!!!

One thing's for certain - you can't keep CLOTHES - whether nasty or nice, out of the headlines, as you'll see from today's Onion News. Just turn to page 94  for Colin's pick of today's "doozies" on the clothing front !!!!

It's all madness when it comes down to it, isn't it! However, the stories bring an eery wink to the eye of me and my wife Lois today, here in semi-attractive Liphook, Hampshire, as we take our near-daily walk over the 'hallowed turf' of local Hampshire Premier League soccer heroes Liphook United - no question about that!

my wife Lois and me today, taking our near daily walk over the

'hallowed turf' of Hampshire Premier League giants, Liphook United

Certainly, much of the clothing that Lois and I have selected to wear for our walk today, has already been dubbed by our neighbours as "nothing to write home about", but there are few local residents to silently mock us as we proceed on our way this morning, so that's a comfort!

Lois always looks presentable, and she's got two separate sections in her wardrobe, one clearly labelled 'nice clothes' and the other 'casual clothes'. However, as for Yours Truly, well, I've got the self-same 2 sections in my wardrobe, but my labelling is poor, and in any case, all my clothes look decidedly 'casual', sadly, and even to call them 'casual' is actually a massive compliment! My mistake is that, on the rare occasions when I buy a new clothing item, I tend to 'wear it to death', so that it quickly looks just like all the clothes in my so-called 'casual' section, which is annoying!

examples of typical wardrobes - (left) organised, and (right) "messy" (!)

The worst thing, is that I feel I'm letting my family down, being distantly related to two of Hollywood's sharpest dressers, Richard Harris (Harry Potter's Dumbledore), and Rex Harrison (Professor Higgins in "My Fair Lady"), no less!!!

And if you're reading this blog, please please don't tell either Richard or Rex about my sloppy appearance - it will mortify them !!!

[I think you'll find they've both been 'pushing up the daisies' for several decades now, Colin. Just saying! - Ed]

Help is at hand, however, after Steve, my American brother-in-law, a couple of days ago sent me details of an article in the Guardian about the 1000-year-old Bayeux Tapestry, currently on display in the British Museum, on temporary loan from the French Government. 

Lois and I fondly remember seeing the tapestry ourselves, in France, during our 1996 holiday over there.

flashback to 1996: us in Normandy, on our first holiday without our increasingly

independent two teenage daughters, both now for the first time 'doing their own thing' (!)

The 230-feet long tapestry famously depicts the conquest of England by William the Conqueror, Duke of Normandy, but also has some helpful hints, along the way, about how to dress (and perhaps more importantly) how not to dress (!).

The above pictures show the English royalty at the time of the 11th century Norman invasion, with (left) Anglo-Saxon king, Edward the Confessor, and (right) Edward's chosen successor, Harold Godwinson. 

Note Edward's impressive crown, and what the article calls "the nifty stitching on his shins", and his fashionable bench, which was looking stylishly lion-headed and lion-footed. Harold (above, right), not to be outdone, is carrying a hawk - 'the medieval equivalent of a Birkin or a Rolex', as the article says, and he's also mounted on a real stallion, the equivalent of a Tesla or a Range Rover today, with a 'swanky saddle' that has the air of 'today's leather, heated seats' (!). 

Nice!

In this second pair of figures from the tapestry, both French this time, we have (left) Count Guy of Ponthieu, who was responsible for arresting Harold during an earlier visit to Normandy, and (right) Duke William of Normandy, who led the successful invasion of England in 1066, winning the Battle of Hastings, and becoming King of England after Harold's death at the battle.

Note not just Count Guy's impressive-looking axe, but also his 'pretty tunic and stripy tights' and his 'two-tone garters' - nice (again)! Could that be my own new look, perhaps? I wonder if they've got something like those tights and garters in British Home Stores (BHS), maybe?

[BHS went out of business years ago, several yeats after you last graced their menswear department, Colin! - Ed]

The Guardian article, however, suggests that the depiction of Guy in the tapestry was probably designed to make him look overly 'fancy' and perhaps even 'effeminate' - and I couldn't help noticing the somewhat camp-ish, limp hand placed on his hip. So perhaps not!

By contrast, Duke William of Normandy (above, right) is obviously meant by the tapestry-designers to be super-impressive. Note the unusual ribbons on his gold-bordered cloak, his double gold belt and spurs: all a sign that this was one continental Duke who was clearly going places, to put it mildly!!!

But wait, there's more - just look at these additional pictures from the tapestry: (1) Bishop Odo, Duke William's half-brother, who sponsored the tapestry in the first place, and (2) a surprise late entry in the tapestry, mysterious Englishwoman Aelfgyva [Who she? - Ed].

Bishop Odo on the black horse in the picture on the left (above) is pictured as particularly heroic, the article says, 'galloping onto the battlefield to rally the troops', accoutred in 'really fancy armour', looking strikingly different from all the other Normans.

Also he has the horse with the biggest genitals (ringed) - this is 'manspreading the medieval way', according to the article - but what madness !!! No wonder the Normans won the battle !!!!!

Also, above right, we see the depiction of mysterious Englishwoman Aelfgyva, who must presumably have been some sort of 'player' in the Norman invasion, although nobody knows for sure who she was. It's interesting that, in the tapestry, her cheek is being patted or pinched by a priest. And, in a couple of insets along the bottom hem of the tapestry, we see a naked man, possibly the priest, so perhaps Aelfgyva, figured in some long-forgotten sex scandal, experts believe.

But what a crazy world they live in, back in those far-off times!!!!

20:00 Well, Lois and I may not be as well-dressed as those Normans and Anglo-Saxons of old, but at least tonight we can show that at least we've got the odd nugget of knowledge in our 'noddles', which is some mild compensation!!!

Yes, you've guessed it! It's Monday night, and it's quiz night on BBC2, including our favourite TV quiz, Only Connect, which tests lateral thinking, which is nice!

 

(left) presenter Victoria Coren-Mitchell, and (right) tonight's two teams

Lois and I always like to pit our own wits against the teams, and we've particularly on form tonight, getting several answers to question that stump all 6 contestants, which is nice!

Here are a few examples - see how many of these 'doozies' YOU can answer!!!

First what would be a fourth element in this puzzling 'sequence'?

This stumped both teams, but Lois and I realised that there's potentially a sequence of missing pairs of vowels here: 'AE-rate', 'EI-derdown', 'IO-dine' - so, for the fourth element in the sequence we want something that you can stick the vowels 'OU' in front of, to form a proper word - try it and see!!!

Simples!!!!

How about this one?

Simples (again) because these are obviously cryptic crossword clues for "No", "Pain", "No", so what we need for the fourth element in the sequence is a cryptic crossword clue for "Gain". Make up your own one here haha! But once again, both teams are stumped by this one, while Lois and I keep yelling at them through the screen, to absolutely no avail !!!!

Finally, can YOU spot the connection between these 4 apparently unrelated clues?

Of course, these are the first part of the names of 4 top UK and/or Australian TV soap operas: Brookside, Eastenders, Coronation Street and Neighbours. "Too easy!" you'd think, but it stumps the team, while Lois and I can show we're still "at the top of our game", that's for sure!!!

Here's a final one:

Shame on you, teams, not knowing your way around Australian Prime Ministers - what madness, isn't it!!!! Once more, Lois and I know better, to put it mildly!!!!

But what a crazy world we live in !!!!!

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed, 'clever clogs' (!) - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzz!!!!!

Sunday September 27th 2026 "Are YOU 'going places'? If you aren't, well you'd better find YOUR 'get-up-and-go' and go, not forgetting to get up first haha !!!!"

Yes, Friends, are you 'going places' or are you merely 'stuck in the mud'? Well, you'd better find your 'get-up-and-go' pretty quick, as you long as you get the order right, and 'get up' first, before you 'go', take my advice - that's Colin's "tip of the day" !!!!

[Great 'Colin's tip of the day' today, Colin, if I may say so! - Ed] [Thanks! - Colin]

Certainly today is a day for moving about - no question about that! Just look at today's press, with Onion News leading the pack, as always. Just look at their travel-staff "doozies", from page 94 alone!!

Yes, today it's travel madness, all right! 

And these stories (and more!) bring a quick, if only fleeting, and rather vapid, smile to the faces of me and my wife Lois, as we sit in her church's Sunday Morning Meeting this morning, here in Petersfield, Hampshire, a few miles from our home in semi-rural Liphook, that's for sure!

(left) my wife Lois and me, sitting in a village hall near nearby Petersfield, Hampshire,

waiting for the Sunday Morning Meeting to begin, as (right) other church-members

filter in, and the big screen lights up with this week's online participants (!)

Truth be told, Lois and I can't help feeling a teeny bit jealous of all these people zooming about the world today, while, by contrast, we ourselves are strictly limited to the joys of Liphook and the other 'fleshpots' of East Hampshire, semi-attractive though they undoubtedly are !!!!

First and foremost amongst these people 'going places' are my niece Lucy and new Anglo-American wife Rosanna who finally got away to Europe this week, travelling from London's St Pancras station, on their Euro-rail honeymoon, with first photos now at last coming through from Brussels and Vienna.

(left) London's St Pancras Station, and (right) the train route from London to Vienna

via Brussels that the happy  couple [inset] have taken this week

And they're eating the most peculiar things, to judge from some of the pictures, but then, let's face it, that's what European holidays are all about, isn't it!!!! In the first picture (see below) it looks like Rosanna has an enormous bread-crumb-coated hat, or maybe breadcrumb-coated tea-cosy on her plate, while Lucy just has a slice of lemon, would you believe!

I hope that's not a symbol of what their married life is going to be like! 

Share and share alike, girls! That's the motto that's kept mine and Lois's marriage going these last 54 years!!! And that's Colin's today's "supertip" for a successful marriage - just saying !!!!

my niece Lucy and new wife Rosanna in Brussels and Vienna, on their Eurorail

honeymoon this week, eating and drinking the 'most craziest' [sic] things - but that's Europe!!!!!

They're both over in Europe, having a jolly good time, hopefully (!), but meanwhile poor Lois and I are stuck here in Liphook - poor us!!!!

Even our daughter Sarah, who lives in Perth, Australia with husband Francis and their 13-year-old twins Lily and Jessica have been "out and about" today, with a 2-hour drive to the so-called "Pinnacles", followed (naturally!) by a 2-hour drive home to Perth, as Lois and I find out in our weekly Sunday catch-up whatsapp call with them this lunchtime - 234 miles in total, and on a Sunday too !!!! 

At least they've all got a day off tomorrow, for the King's Birthday. But even so, what madness, isn't it !!!!!

our weekly Sunday "catch-up" call with our daughter Sarah, who lives in Perth, Australia

with husband Francis and their 13-year-old twins Lily and Jessica

They whole family is really tired after their 4-hour total drive time plus all the "larking about" on the so-called Pinnacles, near the mysterious Hangover Bay coastal feature (!). Plus, don't forget it may be 1:30pm in Liphook, but it's already 8:30 pm in Perth, would you believe, and they're all probably heading for an early bed! 

But what a crazy planet we live on !!!!

what mine and Lois's little "Australian family" have been doing today - driving 117 miles

up the coast to the so-called "Pinnacles" or "Pinnacles Desert" near the 

mysteriously named "Hangover Bay" - what a crazy way to spend a Sunday !!!!!

But "What's that all about, Colin?", I hear you cry!

Well, to answer any questions you may have, "Hangover Bay" actually isn't a reference to any so-called 'towering cliffs' - it really is a place where people went when they'd been over-celebrating, and had had rather too much to drink, which is weird! 

The native Yued People, however, call the bay "Ngoorndiny Wirn Ngoorbar", which means "resting spirit day", and sounds charming, but it's undoubtedly also a lot less "snappy", as a name, so fair enough - the native name evidently got quickly dumped by the busy Aussies, who haven't got time for all that kind of 'malarkey', no surprise there!

What madness!!!! [That's enough madness for today! - Ed]

But what about "The Pinnacles" or "The Pinnacles Desert" - what's that all about, Colin?" I hear you still plaintively pleading (!) - believe me, I can just sense it !!!!!

14:00 Lois and I, meanwhile, are definitely "not on the move" today, other than, just, this afternoon, going on our normal 10-second trip "up the stairs to Bedfordshire", as people used to say!  Even in bed, however, we can't get away from even more "travel news", coming in on our phones!

No peace for the wicked!!!!

even in bed this afternoon, Lois and I can't get away from 

even more crazy "travel news" - what madness!!!!

Yes, in bed this afternoon, Lois gets a message on her phone from Margaret, one of her "chair-yoga" friends, whose grandson Philip has been sending his first pictures from the faraway Falkland Islands, where he's recently been posted by the RAF, which is mad!

At least Philip has been getting to know some of the 'natives' - mainly ones of the winged variety (!), to judge from his latest 'snaps' (!).

one of Lois's "chair yoga" friends' grandson, Philip, just posted to the Falklands

by the RAF, getting to know some of the natives, who seem to be having a meeting!!!!

Awwwww !!!! Look at those penguins, standing about chatting during one of their so-called "meetings" - so sweet! Awwww (again) !!!!

Aren't birds weird! And you only have to look at the so-called "shoebill stork", if you want proof!!

the so-called "shoebill stork" - is this the world's weirdest bird?

Your views welcome - postcards only haha!!!

Perhaps the weirdest thing about birds is that they're the only remaining living relic of the dinosaur age, having survived all their dinosaur relations simply by having some "extra-fuzzy" feathers, which sounds crazy. And as a theory it's a bit "fuzzy" in its own way, to put it mildly(!), as Lois and I have been finding out from Lois's copy of "The Week" magazine, which "plopped" through our letter-box this week.

The magazine summarises the big stories of the past week, from home and abroad, and here's an extract from the journal's popular "What the Scientists Are Saying" column.

Lois's copy of "The Week" magazine with the latest theory about 

whybirds were the only survivors of the Dinosaur Age

16:00 It's four o'clock and Lois and I have to somehow struggle out of bed, not having travelled anywhere much this afternoon, other than here and there in our little 6ft x 5ft "space", which is at least cosy, even if any majestic "views" are somewhat strictly limited !!!!

We're not, however, tempted to follow the example of ageing model Jerry Hall (70) who likes her empty bed, now that she's divorced from long-term "squeeze", singer Mick Jagger. Though devastated at first, friends say, Hall has now "bounced back", elated that she can now lie diagonally across their former bed, for example, according to "The Week", which is heart-warming!

18:00 This evening, however, Lois and I can at least travel in time, if not in space (!), because we've got tickets to see the latest film imagining of Jane Austen's early 19th century novel "Sense and Sensibility" at Liphook's "Living Room Cinema", just an easy half a mile away (!), which is nice! 

Liphook's iconic "Living Room Cinema"

And today's "crazy bird" theme continues, because we're going to see the film not on our own, but with our other daughter Alison, who's  currently suffering from "empty nest syndrome", now that her two eldest "fledgelings", Josie (20) and Rosalind (18) have both gone off to college this weekend for the autumn term (!),

Although luckily Alison will still have son Isaac (16) and husband Edward (51) still "chirping away in the nest" (!), and needing "feeding" three times a day, so that'll be some consolation to her!!!! Poor Alison !!!!!

Lois and me, with daughter Alison this evening, in our seats waiting for the film to begin,

me with a gin-and-tonic, bought in the bar by Alison for her poor old dad (!)

I'm feeling a bit nervous, to put it mildly, because it's fair to say that the audience is very "female-heavy",  as becomes obvious right from the moment when we first step into the cinema's bar from Liphook's "mean streets". It's a bit of a toxic cocktail (no pun intended!!!):- a huge mob of crazed Jane Austen fans in the proximity of seemingly unlimited supplies of "booze". 

However, I stick close to Lois, and none of the women tries to pick me up, so that's all good!

[You don't say! - Ed]

me (extreme right), intimidated by being in an environment at the same time 

"female-heavy", and, additionally, with access to seemingly unlimited supplies of "booze", 

seen here in the cinema's bar, with my wife Alison and our elder daughter Alison, 

before going through to our seats to see "Sense and Sensibility"

And I'm okay during the film too, because luckily Lois has given me a "briefing" in bed this afternoon, with a synopsis and a short summary of the main characters, so I find I can more or less keep up with the plot, although as usual I sometimes mix up the main characters, which is a pity (!). 

It turns out that the story is all about 2 sisters, Elinor (who's sensible) and Marianne (who's sensuous - geddit?)  and about their adventures on the tortuous path to finding true love, I can exclusively reveal, so that's all good!

It's visually stunning as a film, we all agree, although Lois and Alison, both big Austen fans to put it mildly, are critical of some of the bits in the film that are "not in the book" - like the imported failed attempt to stage a duel, and, more generally, the speed with which the 2-hour film attempts to cover the bumper 400-page events from the original novel (!).

So it's a partial "thumbs up" for the film, from at least one pair of Austen-lovers, which is nice (!).

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzz!!!!

Saturday September 26th 2026 "Friends, do YOU know any clever students? Well, October's nearly here, they'll soon be gone haha!!!"

Yes, Friends, do YOU know a clever student? Or even a stupid one? Well, don't worry, October's just around the corner, and they'll all soon be disappearing, saying they're off to college, but we just have to take their word for THAT haha !!!!

And our UK press is suddenly bulging with 'college' stories and 'student' stories - have you noticed? There are even a couple of "doozies" in today's Onion News, if you want proof !!!!

What madness, isn't it !!!!

But these seasonal college stories bring a smile of recognition to the faces of me and my wife Lois today, here in semi-attractive Liphook, Hampshire - you can take that for 'granted' !!! [You don't say! - Ed]

my wife Lois and me - a recent picture

And those semi-ghostly "smiles of recognition" on our mouths probably have something to do with the two eldest of our 5 grandchildren, who are both on their way to college this very weekend, including Rosalind (18), who's being taken up to UCL London today by her mum and dad - our daughter Alison and husband Edward -  to start her 4-year International Relations degree course. 

All this what-we-call "to-ing and fro-ing" is all far too much for Lois and me !!!! Dubbed by our neighbours  'possibly Liphook's busiest-looking retired couple', we've got more than enough 'frantic activity' in our own home lives, without having to keep track of it on a more 'national' basis, thank you very much!!!!

Stop the world - we want to get off !!!!!! 

(left) our daughter Alison takes this picture early today, as she and husband Edward drive

their "middle" offspring Rosalind (inset) into London to set her up in her student bedsit,

and (right) Edward relaxing in her room before the journey home to Headley, Hampshire

And - believe it or not - tomorrow (Sunday) Edward will be on the move again would you believe (!), travelling with our eldest granddaughter Josie (20) on the 300 miles journey north, up to Durham, for the start of the 2nd year of her maths degree course!

Doesn't anybody stay exactly where they are, any more ?????

flashback to August: our daughter Alison (seen in mirror) and husband Edward take Josie

for a preliminary look at what's going to be her new flat-share for the 2nd year

of her maths degree course at Durham, setting her up with all her "essentials"

Busy busy busy!!!! But wait, there's more!!!

As soon as our son-in-law Edward has set Josie up in her new flat-share in Durham tomorrow, he'll be taking the train down to Liverpool for a crazy few days in Liverpool, which is mad!

Edward, who's on the board of one of the UK's many railway companies, will be attending this year's Labour Party Conference in Liverpool, dropping in at many of the associated "fringe" events, hoping to catch the eye of new premier Andy Burnham's Transport Secretary Heidi Alexander, and to do a bit of discreet 'lobbying', as he calls it (!).

You young scamp, Edward !!!!

(left) UK Prime Minister Andy Burnham arriving in Liverpool today with Dutch-born wife 

Marie-France van Heel for next week's annual Labour Party Conference,

and (right) Transport Secretary Heidi Alexander, whom our son-in-law Edward [inset]

is hoping to catch the eye of, and do some discreet lobbying with - the young scamp !!!

What a crazy world we live in !!!!!

But let me put my cards on the table at this point! [I wish you wouldn't keep doing that, Colin! - Ed]

It's no wonder that Lois and I get a little confused, sometimes, by our crazy modern world! You see, we both turned 80 this year, although we look much younger, more like half what our official age is, in cold, hard figures, or so our neighbours tell us! 

[?????? - I want signed statements to that effect, before I let you put that obviously made-up claim in print again, Colin! - Ed]

flashback to earlier this year: (left) Lois in June showcasing a birthday bouquet,

and (right) me in March, showcasing a half-eaten vegetable spring roll - yum yum !!!!

And that's why both Lois and I, as a pair of fully-paid up "old codgers" are eagerly awaiting the start of octogenarian radio presenter Michael Rosen's new BBC Radio 4 series, "Seven Ages of Man", starting tonight. 

We're both hoping to get some so-called "insights" into so-called "old age" from "fellow-sufferers" (!), which would be nice!

And Michael's first guest tonight is none other than former Monty Python star, Michael Palin, who's 83, and has now started a new career as one of the UK's billion or more "celebrity travelogue" presenters, which is mad!!!!!

(top left) BBC radio presenter and former actor Michael Rosen, and (below, left)

former Monty Python star and celebrity travelogue presenter Michael Palin

Presenter Rosen, a former actor who's just turned 80 himself, and his guest Palin, who's 83, both agree that turning 80 has meant a glorious sense of "liberation". At last they can  ditch their typical male "competition mania", the crazy desire to outperform the other men in their respective circles. 

When you're in your 80's, people stop asking you what you're aiming for, and what your objectives are, and you can just switch off and enjoy yourself, Palin says. And he confesses that, at last, he feels a bit marginalised, but in a good way, so can just pursue whatever he wants to pursue, whether it impresses other men or not! And he shares with us some of his more recent pursuits, including learning to make pickled cucumbers as nice as his mum used to do for him, which is heart-warming! 

Michael Palin's mum and dad, outside their home in Sheffield, Yorkshire

Early in Palin's career, as one of 20 to 20 scriptwriters for the David Frost show - almost all men, of course (!) - there was tremendous competition to write the funniest gags. As one of the Pythons, Palin constantly felt the need to come up with more laugh ideas than the others, at the routine pre-programme "table-read sessions". 

David Frost with his gag-writers, and Palin in the back row, second from right

This "toxic masculinity" was never really Palin's "bag", however, and he constantly made fun of it, with, for example, with his Python song "I'm a Lumberjack":

And this dumping of male competitiveness also helps Palin in his more recent, late-blossoming career as a "celebrity travelogue" presenter, he says. No longer needing to exude the fact that he's a man, and so "has all the answers", he is better able to get his interviewees to reveal more about themselves, he says, so that's all good!

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzz!!!!!