Friday January 30th - Saturday January 31st 2026 "Do YOU fancy a date with a sea-man or woman? Well, try this approach!"

Yes, Friends, do YOU fancy a date - and maybe more (!) - with a seaman or woman, perhaps somebody far out to whatever sea lies in YOUR "neck of the woods"?

It's a common secret desire of many of us, isn't it, and if you're still using the likes of "Tinder" or other dating apps, it's time to stop all that "malarkey", like many younger women are doing these days, and "get with it"! Onion News has more.....

Poor sailors lost at sea!!!!

Reading the Onion story this morning, however, brings a wistful smile to the faces of my wife Lois and me, as we "squelch" our way round part of King Charles III's shiny new, but very mud-affected (!), "UK coastal path", to put it mildly! And what a good job we've got our boots on, because we find ourselves negotiating said path, with its shiny new wooden signposts, looking wistfully out to sea, on the English Channel coast at Hayling Island, Hampshire this Saturday morning, 27 miles south of our home in semi-bucolic Liphook, which is nice!

my wife Lois and me this Saturday morning, having fun doing

"60 minutes of squelching", along a bit of the King's shiny new "UK Coastal Path" 

on the English Channel coast, at Hayling Island, Hampshire this Saturday morning

As a history buff, I'm always in my element looking wistfully at the English Channel, not because I'm looking for a date (see Onion story above!), but because I always fall to imagining that bold Ancient Greek mariner Pytheas of Massalia, who sailed his way past these shores on his game-changing voyage of discovery to northern Europe and the Arctic back in 325 BC, almost exactly 2,350 years ago. 

Kudos, Pytheas - what a guy! And, by the way, hail to thee, you kept us out of war, needless to say !!!!

In short, today's little "squelch" along a bit of the English Channel coast is a satisfying, and peaceful, end to a two-day break for Lois and me. 

And it's such a pity that this break was not for a happier reason, because we came here yesterday (Friday) primarily to attend the funeral of one of Lois's fellow church-members, dear Roger Jones, at nearby Emsworth. Roger died a few weeks ago, just 5 months short of what would have been his 90th birthday.

A busy man, always smiling, and a good organiser, one of the things we were hearing all the time about Roger yesterday (Friday), was that it seemed odd that he wasn't there, organising his own funeral, because, despite his age, he was the guy who organised most of the church's events.

It was only 3 months before Roger's sad death, that he organised a church members' trip to Chawton House, Alton, Hampshire, the house owned by writer Jane Austen's brother Edward, the house where she did a lot of her writing.

flashback to September: (left) Lois and me, about to start the long walk up the driveway

of Jane Austen's brother Edward's house, and (right) the scene at the doorway,

with Roger, in the bright blue shirt, marshalling our little group for the visit

And for Lois and me, the memory of that wonderful trip that Roger organised, aged 89, and just 3 months before his death, is very much in our minds as we hear the deservedly glowing words spoken about him at his funeral on Friday.

flashback to Friday: Lois and I check in at our B&B, and have Friday lunch 

and Saturday breakfast there. It turns out to be a very pink-themed, and 

women-heavy haunt, the kind of place you'd bring your little princess of a daughter

for a pink-themed birthday treat - you know the kind of place!

At the post-funeral tea for the 90 or so guests, held next door to our B&B, we share a table with noted archaeologist Grahame, friend of TV's Alice Roberts and Raksha Dave and others. Grahame tells us that it was Roger Jones' father Jack, who first sparked his interest in archaeology: Jack used to take the young Grahame to see local excavations on Sunday afternoons after the Sunday Morning Meeting. And on an adjoining table, Lois is pleased and surprised to spot her cousin Brian's eldest son David with his wife, who had arrived for the funeral from their home in Southampton.

the post-funeral tea, at a private room in a nearby restaurant: we share our

table with fellow history buff and noted local archaeologist Grahame,

friend of TV's Alice Roberts and Raksha Dave and others; at an adjoining table

we spotted David, son of Lois's cousin Brian, which was a nice surprise

So, rest in peace, Roger !

Life goes on, however. And after waking up in our B&B bedroom on this Saturday morning, we have a nice catch-up chat with our daughter Sarah, who lives 9000 miles away in Perth, Australia with husband Francis and their 12-year-old twins Lily and Jessica.

waking up in our pink-themed B&B bedroom this Saturday morning, we have a nice

whatsapp "catch-up" call with our daughter Sarah and twins in Perth, Australia

It's a bit of a fraught weekend for the family, because the twins will be starting "big school" on Monday, at a private Anglican school in their northern Perth suburb. The girls attended an "induction day" at the school yesterday (Friday), where they met their so-called "pastoral group leader and fellow pastoral group members" (or some-such nonsense!)

It's so scorchingly tropical over there in Perth, that it's "just too hot to do anything", Sarah says, and she and the girls have an electric fan blowing non-stop (see picture above), while husband Francis is outside laying more turf!!!

flashback to August: (rightmost) our son-in-law Francis starting to lay turf

on the family's enormous front garden in a northern suburb of Perth, Australia

Poor Francis !!!!!!  But what a crazy planet we live on !!!!

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzzz!!!!!

Thursday January 29th 2026 "So, local man Josh is finally wed! But strange reception, to put it mildly!!!!"

So! Local man, Josh, the so-called "eternal bachelor", has finally got married, breaking a few hearts locally, I'm sure! But what a reception after the ceremony! Did YOU read about it?

Onion News has more!!!!

Poor bride !!!!!!

Reading Josh's story this morning, however, here in semi-bucolic Liphook, Hampshire, brings a kind of an ironically distorted face to the smiles of both me and my wife Lois, to put it mildly!!!!

my wife Lois and me - a recent picture

Brides can be seductive, there's no doubt, but, then, so can cake, that's for sure!

However, today, I didn't expect to be "breaking my diet" quite so early in the diet - Day One in fact, would you believe!!! - when Lois and I meet up with our 50-year-old daughter Alison for a "catch-up", in nearby Haslemere, just over the county line in Surrey. Unfortunately, within minutes of walking into Hemingway's with Alison for a coffee, the waitress presses me to a whopping slice of her coffee and walnut cake (not literally!!!), after she sees me eyeing it lasciviously under the counter, would you believe, and the rest is history, sob sob!!! 

The new diet starts tomorrow haha !!!!

(left) us in  Hemingway's, Haslemere this morning, for a "catch-up" with our 

50-year-old daughter Alison, and (right) the scene at the counter, 

after Ali offers to treat her "old codger" parents, and pay the bill, which is nice!

All in all, not a good day for mine and Lois's 2026 "diet plan", when you factor in, also, an afternoon in bed. 

And after all today's indulgence, there's no doubt that Lois and I are looking a bit shamefaced, when Ali calls round to our house at tea-time to pick up her son Isaac (15), who goes to school near us in Liphook. Isaac occasionally does  some of his homework on our kitchen table after school, while waiting for his mum to pick him up and take him home.

And today it's also a good opportunity for Ali to see, finally completed, the thousand-piece Jane Austen-themed jigsaw that she gave us for Christmas. 

flashback to Christmas: we open Ali's Christmas present to Lois, and see

the jigsaw's thousand pieces for the first time, making a promising start on it

 - happy days!!!!

It's taken us a month to finish the jigsaw, admittedly, but, as we explain, that's partly because of some unexpected "anomalies", as we call them, in the puzzle: some of the Austen characters featured in the instruction leaflet don't actually appear in the puzzle, and some additional "mystery" ones are unexpectedly included.

I have hypothesised that some of Austen's characters were off sick on the day of the original painting, and that perhaps, also, some "prankster" 21st century bystanders "photobombed" the scene, adding to the confusion, maybe?

Your comments welcome, especially if you were one of the guilty parties, the so-called "pranksters" - postcards only, don't forget !!!!!

But what madness, isn't it !!!!!

(left) our grandson Isaac (15) stuffs his laptop into his schoolbag, while (right)

Lois, and Isaac's mum, our daughter Alison, try to match the Jane Austen 

characters to the scenes in the now-finished jigsaw puzzle - what madness!!!!

What a crazy day!!!!

But at least there's a bit of sanity brought back into our lives this evening, with Scottish daytime talk-show presenter Lorraine Kelly's current, fascinating celebrity-travelogue series as she travels up the Norwegian coast to the Arctic Circle, which is a relief, to put it mildly!!!!

What wonderful English those Norwegians speak - all of them, no matter how "humble" their professions! And while responding warmly to diminutive presenter Lorraine Kelly's infectious humour and enthusiasm, the local farmers and fishermen of the Lofoten Islands can't help noticing Lorraine's strong Scottish accent, which they dub "exotic". And to this, our Lorraine reacts with pride, saying that that particular accolade is a "first" for her, as far as she can remember, so it's nice for her too!

Lois and I didn't know that they make whisky in the Lofoten Islands, in Norway's arctic north, and tonight Lorraine talks to a guy called Tor, who's the manager of the world's northernmost distillery.

 

The distillery has some great advantages: water from the glacier in the mountains behind the building, plus some wonderful barley, some of it from Scotland and Norway, but also some sourced locally on the Lofoten Islands. Apparently it's physically impossible to grow barley any further north than here.

Also, as distillery manager Tor explains, you have to factor in the evaporation that occurs during the distilling process. In Scotland, they call it "the angels' share", because the angels fly over the Scottish distilleries taking a good old sniff, while in the Lofoten Islands they call it "Odin's share", because Odin, the father of the gods, is their "angel", so it's Odin what gets the benefit [sic!].

However, it turns out that there's a difference between what the angels get when they're flying over Scotland, and what Odin gets when he's flying over the Lofotens....

Poor Odin!!!! But for us viewers, it's nice to get the "science" of it all explained so clearly, isn't it!

Lois and I, however, get a bit concerned watching the programme tonight, because at times Lorraine seems to lose her focus and get a bit carried away, which is a bit of a worry.

And especially when she's fondling the local huskies, and she says she's falling totally in love, as she explains to her companion when we see her driving a husky-pulled sledge.

And then, from out of the blue, Lorraine makes this frank confession: 

Oh dear, poor Mr Kelly !!!! Let's hope he isn't watching the programme tonight !!!!

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzz!!!!!

Wednesday January 28th 2026 "Have YOU got curtains in YOUR house? They're a worry as well as a comfort, aren't they !!!!"

Yes, Friends, have YOU got curtains in YOUR house? Check before you send me your postcard answer this time - and do it now! And check every single room in your house, not just the shower. Go on, do it now, you'll be glad you did haha!

US authorities are, according to today's Onion News, at last warning the American public about some of the dangers inherent in curtains, so maybe it's time we Brits ought to start being a bit less "cavalier" about them too. What do you think?

Yikes! And how many creeps did YOU find on your "fact-finding" expedition? The average is three per household, I understand, so you're not alone (in more ways that one!!!!).

And I have to say, reading the Onion story today here in semi-idyllic Liphook, Hampshire, brings a bit of an uneasy smile to the faces of me and my wife Lois, because we're playing with fire ourselves, by ordering yet another curtain from Hillary's, this time for our, otherwise ideal, kitchen-diner.

me and my wife Lois - a recent picture

 

Oops!!!!! The last thing we want to do is to increase our "creep ratio", the technical term for creeps per square foot !!!! 

flashback to October 2025: (left) the social media post from curtain-industry-giants

Hillarys, the post that started the mayhem (!), and (right) me showcasing the last

curtain we bought: we're now ordering a second one for the patio doors in the background

It's going to worry us now, what with the US Curtainmaster-General's statement yesterday, that's for sure! However we forget all our worries, the way we always do - by leaving the house and going for a nice local walk this morning, leaving all of our own personal domestic creeps (!) to their own devices for an hour or so! 

And where nicer to walk than over the "hallowed but muddy turf" of local relegation-candidates, East Hampshire Premier League's favourite "whipping boys", Liphook United! 

[You're not going there again, are you, Colin? - Ed]. 

The team's ashen-faced manager Ron Knee (59) has vowed to take the squad, after relegation, "all the way", down to the lowly East Hampshire Championship League, "and beyond", if necessary, which must have cheered "the lads" no end, no question!

we take a walk over the "muddy but hallowed turf" of local soccer anti-heroes, Liphook United

(manager: ashen-faced Ron Knee (59), who's vowed to take them "all the way",

down to the lowly East Hampshire Champions' League, "and beyond", Ron says!)

And the birds are singing, as you can see - it's in anticipation of the mating season, Lois says. 

And "did you know that's why Valentine's Day is fixed for February?", Lois adds. Humans don't strictly have a mating season, but many couples get more "in the mood", she explains, when spring starts to spring, so fair enough! We've got two lunch venues in mind for our own celebration of Valentines Day: the Deer's Hut maybe, or the Links Tavern, where we went for Robert Burns Night last weekend, but the jury's still out on that one at the moment.

Your suggestions welcome of course, but keep them clean!!! And postcards only needless to say !!!!

flashback to the weekend: Lois and I celebrate Burns Night at the local Links Tavern.

Should we go there again for Valentine's? I think we should be told !!!!!

However, I'm grateful for the US Curtainmaster-General's timely warning for another reason.

It's a bit of a mouthful, isn't it - "Curtainmaster-General" - but, ironically, it could help me with the talk I've been scheduled to do for our local U3A "Intermediate History of English for Old Codgers" group, which I allegedly lead, "for my sins" !!!!

some typical online meetings of the local U3A "Intermediate History of 

English for Old Codgers" group, which I allegedly "lead", for my sins (!)

My subject will be, in broad terms, "What sort of English would we be speaking today, if our last Anglo-Saxon king, Harold Godwinson, had defeated the Norman invasion led by William the Conqueror, at the Battle of Hastings back in 1066?". If Harold had defeated William, our language would have avoided centuries of French influence, that's for sure, and our language today would be sounding much more like Dutch, or Danish etc maybe. 

The French famously put their adjectives after the noun, not before it: so, for example, camp comedian Larry Grayson's famous "What a gay day!" catchphrase becomes, in French style, "What a day gay!". 

the late camp comedian Larry Grayson, with his most famous 

catchphrases, "Shut that door!" and "What a gay day!"

"What a day gay!" certainly doesn't sound as funny, somehow, you have to admit. But also, this is probably why all the great offices of state that our Norman conquerors established, are labelled, e.g. "Attorney-General", and not "General Attorney". And hence, also, "Curtainmaster-General". It's all beginning to make a horrible kind of sense now, isn't it! 

I wonder.....!

Certainly today is a historic day in our house, with Lois's annual 2026 batch of home-made marmalade beginning to "fly off the shelves" (of our larder!!!!), and on to my tea-time toast!

It's "history on a plate", as far as I'm concerned !!!! 

(left) a look-back at some of Lois's classic batches from past Januaries, as well as the present,

and (right) me looking forward to my first tasting today - yum yum!

21:00 And there's more history tonight, because we go to bed on this week's programme in Alice Roberts' new "Digging for Britain" series, the series which highlights the leading archaeological discoveries made in the UK over the last 12 months. Tonight Alice, with co-presenter Tori Herridge, is in the north-east of the UK.

And what do you know? Our last Anglo-Saxon king, Harold Godwinson pops up again, although not in person (!), which is nice! One of his grand estates up in the north was identified for the first time last year.

And at nearby Lindores Abbey the earliest known evidence of whisky-making was also found last year, highlighted here by the discovery of a metal barrel-band. 

Whisky became big business for the abbey's monks in medieval times. It seems an odd thing for monks to be spending time on, but, as Lois comments, they would have had to have made a living.  

Poor monks !!!!

Cheers, brethren!!! Or should I say, "Slainte mhath" however you pronounce it !!!!

What a crazy language they speak up there, or used to speak!! And their spelling's even crazier than English, if that's possible!!!!

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzz!!!!!!