Monday June 8th 2026 "Have YOU ever felt embarrassed when travelling by train?"

Yes, Friends, have YOU ever been embarrassed when travelling by train - it's all too common an experience, isn't it, and there was a prime example in today's Onion News - just turn to page 94, and prepare to squirm!!!!

Poor Baby Liam !!!!!

But thank goodness, also, that, in the end, his dear little baby toes distracted the poor little mite, and made him feel at least 1% less foolish, if not more (more less foolish, I mean, or even lesser foolish [sic] !!!!!) !!!!!

And reading little Liam's story this morning, here in semi-detached Liphook, Hampshire, brings an awkward smile to the faces of me and my wife Lois, to put it mildly!

me and my wife Lois - a recent picture

Toes are wonderful body-parts to have, and we're grateful for all twenty of our collective set (!), but we're less enthused about our twenty toe-nails, which are growing apace - take a look at yours some time and you'll see what I mean!

[Stop wittering on, Colin! - Ed]

And by complete coincidence today, Lois and I are going to be having to drive to nearby Beacon Hill, for a session with Janice, our podiatrist, in her little clinic in her lovely back-garden. 

Yes, I'm afraid that, as certified 'old codgers', nothing reminds us so much that we're old, as the fact of having to pay somebody to cut our toe-nails for us.

What a madness old age is !!!!!

(above) Janice, our podiatrist, and (below) Lois and I amuse ourselves 

like little kids, taking pictures of each other when Janice pops outside 

for a few minutes! What fun we have when it's just us !!!!!!!

And by the end of our hour, we realise that we know all about Janice's life, and her 'issues' with partners and her daughters: all about her recent holiday in Spain with her partner, and, also, until today we didn't know that she is actually 59 - she looks so much younger than 59, the little minx!!!! 

We even end up knowing about the issues of the other people in her life, not just those of her family, but even the problems faced by her 'fave girlie' or 'bestie', as young people say today, a woman-friend who unfortunately, it appears, suffers from 'impostor syndrome' - something Lois and I had never heard of. 

What madness, isn't it !!!!

Janice, our podiatrist, on one of her recent holidays in Spain -

pictures she posted on social media, which is nice!

"Imposter Syndrome - one of the key issues currently being faced by

Janice's "fave girlie" or "bestie", as young people say today

- all news to Lois and me !!!!!!

But that's it, in a nutshell, with Janice! Lois and I always go away feeling, not just more comfortable in our 'appendages' (!), but also much more knowledgeable than when we came in!

And there are so many other compensations, in having things done to your 'appendages' (!) by the lovely Janice, because she's such a good talker that you don't notice the cutting of the nails, the removal of rough skin, the soothing balms being applied etc. And before you know it, the hour is over and it's time to "pay up and look good", as Lois's old dad Dennis used to say!

You too can have toes like this - after you've seen Janice!

And apart from her undoubted specialist skills, Janice's easy, chatty manner is why she is so popular, I think, and, with her main local rival Zoe having recently 'shut up shop' with only a few minutes' notice, Janice is now snowed under with local 'old codgers' demanding her services, and the hassle of fitting them all in is currently driving her mental, she says! 

Luckily today we can tell her that we've found an alternative local 'toes-woman' as we call it, Julie, who's recently moved to Liphook, and who visits you in your home, which is nice, and we'll be trying Julie out next month, all being well. 

(left) Janice, our current 'toes-woman', and (right) Julie, 

our possible future 'toes-woman' - and Lois and I are looking 

forward to hearing about Julie's life and 'issues', to put it mildly!!!!

So watch this space!

[Is that all you two 'noggins' have done today, Colin? Driven to Beacon Hill and had your toe-nails cut? - Ed]

Absolutely not! Somehow later today we somehow manage to find the time to squeeze in, not just an afternoon in bed for 'statutory nap-time', but also an hour or two on the couch in the evening, to 'take in' a programme or two on the "telly", would you believe, for good measure!!!

[Well, bully for you, you poor 'sods' ! Some of us have to work for a living! - Ed]

Sitting here tonight on the couch, our feet feel lovely, although we've certainly both lost a lot of so-called 'keratin' today - with the cutting of all those toe-nails, that's for sure (!).

And tonight, we learn even more about so-called 'keratin', by watching Monday's edition in the BBC's "Springwatch" series, which takes a look at the state of nature and wild life in the UK, with the help of a team of local presenters.

Apparently, so-called 'keratin', the mysterious substance that's in mine and Lois's toenails, also makes up most of birds' feathers, which is crazy!

What madness !!!!

And who knew, for example, that many species of birds in the UK choose to line their nests with white feathers rather than with coloured ones, and with good reason, as it turns out. 

a starling feathering its nest with, crucially, white feathers,

rather than with coloured ones

In a study carried out recently in Denmark, swallows were offered a choice between white and coloured feathers to line their nests with, and the white feathers proved to be the feathers of choice in 73% of cases. And researchers discovered, also, that, in nests lined with white feathers, more chicks hatched out successfully and they also grew faster once they had hatched.

The researchers then compared the nests lined by white feathers, with the nests lined by coloured feathers, and found that, in the nests with the coloured feathers, there were more harmful bacteria present. 

A bacterium called 'bacillus lichenoformis', lives on all feathers, and degrades the keratin present in them, producing a compound with anti-microbial properties, benefitting the eggs, and also the chicks after they hatch.

With the darker, non-white feathers, however, there's another substance also present, 'melanin', a tough substance, which makes the keratin harder to break down. The result is that those coloured feathers tend to stay intact, and therefore don't offer the chicks the same advantages as the white feathers do, which is weird.

an example of a black-and-white feather - you can see that the

black parts are more intact than the white parts

See? Simples!

And I know that you, dear Reader, now understand the science [??? - Ed], but the birds themselves don't understand it, of course. However, presumably, the birds that prefer white feathers have, after, like, billions of years (more probably!), managed to out-populate the ones that prefer the coloured feathers, and the rest is history!

But what a crazy planet we live on !!!!!

[That's enough science! - Ed]

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzzzz!!!!!

Sunday June 7th 2026 "Have YOU ever been on a hen night, where somebody looks out of place?"

Yes, Friends, have YOU ever been to a hen party, on somebody's hen night, say, where one of the bride's "fave girlies", whether intentionally or not, has broken the advertised 'dress code' or similar ?

It happened to local girl Sabrina Kelsey recently, if we're to believe this morning's Onion News, no question about that!!!!

Oops! 

Poor Kelsey !!!!!

And reading the Onion story this morning, brings a faintest hint of a wisp of a smile to the faces of me and my wife Lois, to put it mildly!

me and my wife Lois - a recent picture

We're smiling, for years we haven't been invited to any weddings - for obvious, practical reasons: a superstitious fear that, as a pair of crinkly "old codgers" we'll somehow crack the lenses of the official photographer (!), being perhaps in the forefront of those reasons??? 

I wonder....!!!!

There's even a popular card-game now, "Uninvited Guests at a Wedding" - it's a barrel of laughs, believe you me haha!!!

But now, Lois and I, after years of not being invited to such occasions, suddenly find that this year, when we've both turned 80, would you believe, there are not one but two weddings, to which we've been invited, coming along within the space of a couple of months of each other, like London's famous No.11 buses, which "are most gregarious", and "like to drive in convoys" to quote the popular song !!!!!

Yes, this coming Saturday we'll be going to Lois's great-niece Lauren's wedding to 'beau' Iain-with-an-extra-'i', just outside Oxford, and then, in September, we'll be going to my niece Lucy's wedding to her Anglo-American 'belle', Rosanna - the first time that either of us has been to a single-sex wedding. And today, on social media, we see pictures of Lucy and Rosanna's hen night on the Waterfront in Ipswich, Suffolk, last night, which is nice!

my niece Lucy's hen night last night at the Ipswich Waterfront, Suffolk - (left)

the whole gang, including my sister Jill wearing pink trousers and a "Mother Jill" sash,

and (right) the happy couple with Lucy's sisters Maria and Zoe, plus a guy

who Lois and I suspect is probably Rosanna's brother - Josh????

Yes, for 'old codgers' Lois and me, 2026 is definitely a year where our horizons are being widened: we've had our first-ever single-sex wedding invite, and, additionally, we're all the time steadily increasing our knowledge of Australian culinary delights, would you believe, and learning more of the quaint local 'Aussie' lingo into the bargain!

At 9:30 am, we have our weekly 'catch-up' zoom call this morning with our daughter Sarah, who lives in Perth, Western Australia, with husband Francis and their 12-year-old twins Lily and Jessica. And a favourite question each week to the twins, is "What did you make in your school cookery class this week?", today's answer being "a hedgehog slice", would you believe (!).

Lois and me during our weekly "catch-up" zoom call with our daughter Sarah

and twins, asking the standard weekly question - "What did you make in 

your school cookery class this week, girls?" and getting the unexpected

answer "we made hedgehog slices". What antipodean madness!!!

And if YOU find yourself discussing the topic with an Aussie, don't make MY mistake of asking "Is it made with real hedgehogs?" 

Oops (again) !!!! What a fool I felt, when I received the twins' answer !!! And here's what Google's AI service says:

So now you know! 

But yum yum! I want one too, now, that's for sure haha!!!! I'll try asking for a hedgehog slice, next time I'm in Gregg's, and see what I get haha!!!

Rowan Atkinson and Mel Smith singing their iconic "We Like Trucking" song,

and enjoying a 'hedgehog sandwich' in this video from their 1980's TV series 

"Not The Nine o' Clock News"

Apart from all that weirdness, today is a fairly normal Sunday for Lois and me, and we're to be seen, as often, in the back row at Lois's church's Sunday Morning Meeting, and in the afternoon, I spend some time printing out some important tax letters that Sarah wants me to send off special delivery to HMRC tomorrow. We call her "Two Jobs Sarah", because she's doing an accountancy job in Perth while still keeping on her old accountancy job in Evesham, UK, and she sometimes needs us to post letters for her, which we gladly do of course.

But what a crazy world we live in !!!!

(above) Lois and me this morning at her church's Sunday Morning Meeting, and (below)

our daughter "Two Jobs Sarah" (bottom left, 2nd from right) with colleagues in Evesham UK,

and (bottom right) us picking her up at her office in Perth, back in 2018 - what madness!!! 

14:00 While I'm printing off those letters for Sarah, and then having a short "statutory nap" (!), our other daughter Alison, who lives about 10 miles away over the county line in Churt, Sarah, takes Lois out to look round some gardens or other.  

Lois and Alison are both self-confessed "gardening buffs", so they understand about flowers and suchlike, which is mad!!!!

me in my 'statutory nap-time' dressing gown (!)

showcasing the Manor House gardens leaflet

The gardens, normally private, are open to the public today, under the National Gardens Scheme, and Lois and Alison have a great time there looking at all the plants and getting ideas for their own gardens. Alison's husband, hotshot London lawyer Edward, is away this weekend doing his voluntary Duke of Edinburgh Award Scheme guidance stuff, and the couple's kids are busy revising for their exams, so it's nice for Alison to visit these lovely gardens with somebody to chat to, and to share reactions with.

our daughter Alison takes Lois to see round the gardens at The Manor House,

Haslemere, open to the public today under the National Gardens Scheme

Famously, back in 1940, when the country was facing the threat of invasion by Nazi Germany, and the government was collecting everybody's scrap metal to make into Spitfires and munitions and suchlike, the then-owner of The Manor House in Haslemere, Lady Mullens, decided to take down her antique entrance gates (photo above, bottom right) and hide them in the waters of the Manor House pond (photo above bottom left), to save them from the government collection trucks.

There's patriotism for you haha!!!!

Fortunately, with the aid of all our gallant allies, we eventually managed to win the war anyway, but you must know about that already - it was in all the papers!!!!

And we did it, even without the benefit of Lady Mullen's entrance gates, which made it even more of a triumph!

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzz!!!!!

Saturday June 6th 2026 "Friends, are YOU dissatisfied with your restaurant 'selfies'? Well, join the club!!"

Yes, Friends, are YOU often strangely dissatisfied with YOUR Instagram-style selfies of restaurant dining moments? A lot of us are, aren't we, but help is on the way, if we're to believe this morning's Onion News. Turn to page 94, all of you, and breathe a collective sigh of relief!!!! 

Kudos Greggs, ahead of the curve, as always!!! And reading the Onion story this morning here in semi-transparent Liphook, Hampshire this morning brings a half-bemused grin to the faces of me and my wife Lois, that's for sure!!!

my wife Lois and me - a recent picture

We're laughing because we know we're going to be spending some intimate moments in fitting-rooms this morning, as Lois, who turned 80 yesterday, intends to be picking out her 'extra birthday present' in the clothes shops of nearby Petersfield, just 11 miles south, down the A3 highway, which is nice!

Petersfield, its location marked by the red circle and arrow, 

has often been described as "a town in the middle of nowhere" (!)

Petersfield - it's a small town that most Brits have never heard of, and yet, as we discover on our shopping trip this morning, some famous faces have stayed here in the past - even Peter the Great (1672-1725) emperor of Russia, would you believe, which seems totally weird, not to mention also 17th century English monarch King Charles II, and 17th century diarist Samuel Pepys (1633-1703).

I showcase a blue plaque that Lois and I have never noticed before,

on our occasional shopping trips to nearby Petersfield, Hampshire

What madness, isn't it !!!!

Whether Peter the Great, either on his own, or with "squeeze" Elizabeth, later Empress of Russia, ever visited any of Petersfield's many clothes shops isn't made clear by the plaque, and, admittedly, Lois and I find it difficult to imagine Peter or Elizabeth in any of the fitting-rooms that we ourselves share some intimate moments in today, as Lois disrobes and tries on a series of dresses and also so-called 'cropped trousers' or 'pedal-pushers', to put it mildly!!!!

my wife Lois in me, in Petersfield's iconic "Edinburgh Woollen Mill" clothes shop

Unfortunately, Lois is handicapped, size-wise, by being only about 5'3" or thereabouts, and as clothes shops seem to regard today's tall young women as their main target customers, Lois finds that all the so-called 'cropped trousers' in the Edinburgh Woollen Mill's store actually come down to her ankles: so 'not very cropped' in other words, which is mad! In the end she decides she can turn up the light grey pair seen in the picture above, so all is well in the end, which is a comfort!

If Elizabeth, future Empress of Russia, ever did shop in the town's Edinburgh Woollen Mill or other clothing chains, Lois's problem definitely wouldn't have been an issue, no doubt about that!

And indeed the Empress, ironically, might have had the opposite problem - that the cropped trousers looked a bit like hot pants on her - because, you see, the Russian Empress was at least 5'11" or even taller according to some sources, well above average for the 17th century. And such garb as 'hot pants' might have been deemed 'inappropriate', or even indecent, in those crazy, straight-laced times, that's for sure!

I wonder.....!

Weirdly, however, history records that Empress Elizabeth, although born far too early to wear 'hot pants', was very proud of her legs and her figure generally, and found that the best way to showcase her figure was to dress as a man, which makes sense - women's dress in those far-off crazy days, tended to be  a bit on the bulky side to put it mildly!

a typical "metamorphoses ball" from Russia's imperial period

The men of the court hated these occasions, however, and you can see their point!

[That's enough about Russia! - Ed]

12:00 Armed with our purchases, Lois and I drive back home to Liphook in triumphant mood, if a bit exhausted, so we definitely need to recharge our batteries in bed this afternoon for 'statutory nap time'. 

And we finish this second day of celebration of Lois's 80th birthday, by putting on a birthday tea for ourselves and for our daughter Alison. Our son-in-law Edward is away supervising another Duke of Edinburgh Award weekend for local youngsters, so Alison just brings along two of the couple's teenage kids - Rosalind (17) and Isaac (15).

So, don't forget, when YOU turn 80, this is the way you do it - buy a dress and a pair of meant-to-be-cropped trousers which you can turn up, then go home, spend the afternoon in bed, and then enjoy a chocolate birthday cake with family before going back to bed again!

Simples, really isn't it, but there's your 'road-map' on a plate - something to 'cut out and keep', if you will! So store it somewhere safe, won't you haha!!!!

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzz!!!!!

Friday June 5th 2026 "Us 'old people' are getting younger all the time! Have YOU noticed!!!"

 Yes, Friends, take a look at YOUR elderly friends and relatives! Aren't they marvellous! And doing the most astonishing things! Just look at today's Onion News, and try NOT to look at the somewhat churlish comments from the paper's lightning survey of readers' views at the same time!!!

Meeowwwww!!!! Just jealous aren't they!!!! And reading the Onion News story this morning, here in semi-transparent Liphook, Hampshire, brings a delighted smile to the faces of me and my wife Lois, no question about that!!!!

me and my wife Lois - a recent picture

Why are we laughing? Well, the clue is in the story's 'dateline' - June 5th 2026 - which is exactly 80 years after Lois "popped" triumphantly into this world in the the maternity wing of the Radcliffe Hospital, Oxford!

Yes, she's 80 years young today, which is something to celebrate, to put it mildly!

Tonight, we've been invited, by our daughter Alison and family to a celebratory oriental meal at the Miso Asia restaurant in nearby Petersfield, but before then Lois has chosen to look round the Rural Life Centre at nearby Tilford this morning, so it's going to be busy busy busy!!! But that's what life is like these days for us 'active seniors', so get used to it, before YOU get to 80, that's my advice!!!!

At Tilford, a special treat for Lois will be to look over an ancient relic, and I'm not talking about me, here haha!!! Lois spent the first 8 years or so of her life living in one of those post-war "prefabs", designed to solve the housing crisis that faced bombed-out Britain in the years following 1945. 

some early pictures of Lois around 1950 or thereabouts: (left) on the swing

outside her family's pre-fab, and (right) ringed, 'chewing the fat' and generally

'putting the post-WW2 world to rights', with some of her little friends - awwwwww!!!!

Lois has got such a good memory, compared to me, and she still vividly remembers the floor-plan of her parents' prefab in north Oxford, and it's with a faraway look in her eye that, with me following closely behind, she sees this 'restored' one at Tilford this morning, kitted out with furniture and appliances from the time, that's for sure!

Lois and I this morning at the Tilford Rural Life Centre, looking at restored 'prefab'

(prefabricated house) of the kind developed to solve the post-WW2 housing crisis

Other stuff at the centre commemorates the stationing in this area of our brave Canadian allies, who came to the aid of the 'mother country' in 1914 and again in 1939. It also commemorates the housing here of the brave Polish servicemen and also of the brave Polish families of refugees, who fled their homeland, either escaping the Nazis before 1945, or the Communists, after 1945.

an exhibit commemorating the Tweedsmuir Camp, where Polish 

refugee families fleeing communism were housed after 1945 -

a photo of one of these families is displayed in this window

Earlier, during World War II, after Poland was invaded and occupied by the Nazis, the Polish armed forces chose to continue the fight from Britain, and the exhibit commemorates their presence, also, in this area.

The exhibition makes a valiant attempt to illustrate graphically the activities of the Polish Armed Forces on the Allied side during the war, but it confuses Lois and me no end, even though we're both self-confessed 'history buffs' (!). But see if you can understand it!

It baffles us, we have to confess !!!!!

The happy result of the Polish refugees and servicemen settling in this area after the war, and after all the painful experiences that they had to go through, was that many young Polish children grew up here, and were educated at local schools. Many of their children and grandchildren are still around living in this part of Surrey today.

Fascinating stuff !

After strolling around the exhibition, and having a look at the quaint old signs and the amusing models of 19th to 20th century sheep etc (!), Lois and I have a celebratory birthday lunch at the centre's cafe and then go home for a well-earned celebratory afternoon in bed for 'celebratory nap-time', which is nice!

17:00 We struggle out of bed, because we're going to be picked up at 6pm by our son-in-law Edward, and whisked off to nearby Petersfield, where Edward is treating us to an oriental birthday meal, with our daughter Alison, and two of their 3 teenage kids, Rosalind (17) and Isaac (15) - Josie (19) being away up north on her first-year maths degree course at Durham University.

The restaurant on this Friday evening is absolutely 'rammed' as young people say today, and we think the waiter's astonishment to learn that Lois is as old as 80 is perfectly genuine - his best guess is "seventy maybe?" , the one that's the nearest to the mark, which is a nice touch!

20:30 Then, as a final surprise, when Alison drops Lois and me off at our home in Liphook, there's a bunch of flowers waiting for us on the doorstep, courtesy of our daughter Sarah, who lives in Perth, Australia with husband Francis and their 12-year-old twins Lily and Jessica. This is in addition to the set of 'scents' and 'smellies' that Lois received from Sarah by Royal Mail earlier today.

a nice bunch of flowers, sent by our other daughter Sarah,

which is waiting for us on our doorstep when we arrive home tonight

By coincidence, Sarah and Francis are also celebrating today, because it's their wedding anniversary, and the whole family went for dinner tonight in Perth's skyscraper revolving restaurant, the restaurant where, back in 2016, by another coincidence, Lois and I celebrated Lois's 70th birthday.

You do the maths haha!!!!

Will this do?

[Yes, yes, you can go to bed now! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzzz!!!!!