Wednesday August 26th 2026 "Are YOU having an 'active day'? Seems like everybody in the UK is really 'powering' through the day today!"

Yes, Friends, are YOU having a particularly 'active' day today? It seems like the whole country has "ants in their pants", if we're to believe the headlines in today's Onion News!

And, for my wife Lois and me, reading these stories here in leafy Liphook, Hampshire, it's making us feel tired just reading about all this 'activeness', if that's a word! [No! - Ed]

my wife Lois and me - a recent picture

Recently dubbed by neighbours as "possibly Liphook's busiest-looking retired couple" we've decided to surprise the locals today with an unannounced, and sudden, "change of pace", taking it easy for a change (!), and about time too!!!! 

Exhausted by really "going at it" for our 54th wedding anniversary yesterday (!), we're going to take it easy for once! Lois has a pile of ironing to do, which is mad!

(left) me showcasing Lois's trademark ironing-board, finally at rest

after "getting a right bashing" from her this morning (!), and (right)

only the sheets are left to do now, which is encouraging!

And meanwhile, Yours Truly has some more "strategic" work on my agenda today, would you believe! I'm planning our next 3-night break in Bournemouth to see Lois's cousin Brian and wife Ruth, which is taxing my poor little brain, to put it mildly - it's a logistical nightmare, given our usual busy schedule!!

me, doing my head in, trying to somehow fit in a 3-night break

in Bournemouth, given our predictably hectic September schedule - what madness!!!

And I'm also having to somehow find the time today to install a 4-way plug extension near our TV so we can have the benefit of subtitles for when the people on the screen are "mumbling" (!). This is for when we're having a rare opportunity to "chill" on the very-occasional "night in", to catch some ground-breaking drama or documentary or other, would you believe, so we can keep ourselves "down with the kids" and, at the same time, up-to-date with any troubling international crises !!!

us, caught on camera recently, during a rare chance to "chill out" 

[It's poor Lois I feel sorry for! You lazy swine, Colin!!! - Ed]

14:00 Both of us feeling thoroughly exhausted by the time we climb into bed this afternoon for "statutory nap-time", and, with our minds in turmoil because of this morning's "issues" (see above!) we're almost more exhausted when we climb out of bed again a mere two and a half hours later, would you believe!

What a crazy world we live in !!!!

20:00 Finally able to relax properly on the couch this evening, we can't resist watching the retrospective on comic film actor Gene Wilder, on the free-to-view Sky Arts channel, which is nice!

Gene will always be Willy Wonka to Lois and me, because of the way our two daughters Alison and Sarah, watched the film repeatedly during their teenage years long ago. But tonight Lois and I learn a lot more about Wilder, including the fact that he did his actor training in Bristol, England at the Old Vic Theatre, right there in the heart of the city - who knew?! 

And it's nice tonight to see again our favourite Gene Wilder scene, in "Young Frankenstein" where Wilder is being attacked by his own creation, the eponymous "young Frankenstein", and, while being slowly strangled, and unable to speak, Wilder has to "mime" instructions to his two assistants, "charades-style" - what madness, wasn't it!!

So far so good, as regards the first two syllables - "Said-a-", (!). But what about the third syllable?

Did YOU get it? Lois and I are used to all the top TV quiz shows and game shows, and immediately recognised that Wilder was asking his assistants to give the monster a sedative to calm him down, which makes perfect sense given the situation, as you'll know if YOU have ever had a monster, young or old (!), trying to strangle YOU!

Yes, of course, and it seems obvious when you know, doesn't it!  "Simples", really!

a typical "sedative"

Fantastic stuff, though, isn't it, and kudos, too, to a very young-looking, handsome, and hooded, Marty Feldman, playing "Luckless Assistant #2", who, we think, should have got at least a crack at "best supporting actor" at the 1974 Oscars, but, once more, no joy there for Marty, which was a shame, we think!

Poor Marty !!!!!!

(left) noted comedian Marty Feldman, passed over for the Oscars again

- poor Marty !!!!

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzz!!!!!!

Tuesday August 25th 2026 "Are YOU planning on fitting in some kind of lunch today? A lot of people do it these days!!!"

Yes, Friends, are YOU planning on somehow fitting in a lunch today, despite your busy schedule? More and more people are deciding that lunch is a "must have", despite its ability to squeeze out some of our important  "must do's", if that's a word! [No! - Ed]

Incredibly perhaps, people are still having lunch - at least if you believe some of the whacky headlines in today's Onion News, to put it mildly!

And the headlines, inevitably, are bringing a cheeky smile this morning to the faces of me and my wife Lois, here in leafy Liphook, Hampshire, no question about that!!!!

my wife Lois and me - a recent picture

Certainly Lois and I aren't planning to skip lunch today - call us tummy-focussed hedonists if you like! But we have the perfect excuse, we claim, because today it's our 54th wedding anniversary. And we always like to have an anniversary walk to work up an appetite, and then somehow fit a nice lunch, so we can sleep it all off in bed afterwards, which makes sense to us!!!

And just so you'll know, this year we've picked Liphook's shady Radford Park woods for the walk, Adriano's Italian Restaurant for the lunch, and our "afternoon bed" for the nap, the one usually reserved for guests, which makes it feel a bit 'cheeky', so that's all good!!!! 

09:30 We start our anniversary by decide to go for a tramp in the woods, but we can't see any sign of him (!) (joke copyright: Lois's dear late dad Dennis!). But lots of tits are on view which is some compensation. 

And there's a lovely super-clear reflection in the duck pond, so we can check that we've groomed ourselves properly for our 'special day', and that dopey Yours Truly hasn't forgotten to shave for it, which is nice!

four different varieties of tits on display in the park this morning, and a

lovely clear reflection in the duck pond, so I can check I've shaved, which is handy!

11:30 We drive over to nearby Beacon Hill to have lunch at the village's iconic Adriano's Italian Restaurant. We always book an early table for our anniversary lunch, so that we get maximum time in bed to sleep it off afterwards, choosing for our starters the tomato soup (me) and the parma ham, fig, honey and shaved parmesan (Lois).

And no need to check, in the mirror or whatever, that kitchen staff have remembered to shave Lois's parmesan for her - they're meticulous about such things at Adriano's !!! And for our mains, Lois chooses the papperdella with slow-cooked beef shin, while I keep it simple again with a plain-old pizza margherita, so that's all good!

And that's the way you do it - "text book" haha!!! However, unfortunately, not "text-book" is the fact that we asked for a "doggy bag-o" to take home our mains leftovers, put the bag carefully under the seat while we had our "desserto" of double-gelato ice-creams, and then totally forgot to pick up that "doggy-bag-o" when the time came to go home, which was a pity! 

So if you're thinking of copying our example too literally for any special day that YOU have coming up, you might want to leave that last bit out (!). What an utter utter utter "snafu" !!!!!

And what a couple of 'noggins' we both are haha!!!!!

[Have you only just realised that, Colin?! - Ed]

21:00 Feeling pleasant relaxed again by our afternoon in bed, and still too "stuffed" to want an evening meal, we get ready to go to bed again, in our proper bed this time (!), by watching a fascinating programme about ex-poet laureate John Betjeman on one of BBC4's periodic "John Betjeman" evenings. 

The BBC's excuse is that it's the 120th anniversary of the poet's birth on Friday, but Lois and I don't mind, because "a lovely bit of Betjeman" (not saying which bit (!)) is the perfect way to end our anniversary on - for us, anyway, no bones about it!!!

An interesting programme, focusing not on Betjeman's poetry but on him as a person - his life-story and his personality - starting off with the poor relationship the young John had had with his parents.

And it's fascinating to hear that his parents never really forgave him for not taking over his father's clothing store business as they had both hoped. So like many children, he turned out to be a disappointment to the very people who had brought him into the world. 

Poor parents!!!!

the 3-generation family firm, that John refused to take over from his father

Interestingly, it's clear that the secret to John's successful life, in his early days at least, was not his poetry, but his ability to make people laugh. 

He was obviously a sensitive child, and Lois and I wonder whether joking around was a tactic he perhaps first developed at his private boarding school to protect himself from the bullies. And later, at Oxford University, when he found himself mesmerised by the rich and glamorous among his fellow students, he discovered that he was able to attract their company through his witty conversation and general clowning-around, as many contributors to the programme attest:

Betjeman particularly liked aristocratic women, to put it mildly, especially if they were also beefy and had freckles (!). And he "ran" two high-born "wives" for most of his life: his actual wife the Hon. Penelope Chetwode, to whom he was devoted but with whom he shared few interests, and his mistress Lady Elizabeth Cavendish, who seems to have been his true soulmate.

This kind of "have your cake and eat it" situation, although nice for Betjeman during his lifetime, always tends to make funerals difficult, however, doesn't it (!),

Who was to get pride of place at his funeral - the wife or the mistress? Well, luckily Betjeman avoided personal embarrassment here at his little Cornish church, by being firmly dead of course, but others couldn't escape the awkwardness of the occasion, which was a pity!

Well, the title of this BBC programme from 2001 was "The Last Laugh", and Betjeman certainly had the last laugh as regards his funeral. Oh dear!

Naughty Betjeman haha!!!!!

However, I don't think he would have wanted to have been at his funeral - most people are content to leave that to their relatives, aren't they, and I think that's probably for the best for everyone concerned, all in all.

For the whole of his life Betjeman had suffered from an intense awareness of death. Although a devoted High Anglican, he nevertheless found it difficult to shake off his doubts, and fears, that perhaps, after all, there wasn't actually anything in any of it (!). 

"The Last Laugh" was the final poem in his final collection. 

Fascinating stuff, though, isn't it !!!! And let's hope Betjeman was still getting that "bonus of laughter", right up till the moment when he finally "lost hold".

"Did he have any regrets about his life?", he was asked, in one of the last interviews he gave.

Rest in peace, John !!!!

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzz!!!!!

Monday August 24th 2026 "Are YOU celebrating some sort of anniversary this week? MOST people are, would you believe !!!"

Yes, Friends, are YOU celebrating some sort of anniversary this week? Most people are, I think, you'll find, especially if you subscribe to the East Hampshire Edition of Onion News (print edition), at least!!!

And it's a bit of a nightmare trying to keep up with all those anniversaries, don't you find, not to mention the difficulty in putting your hand on just the right 'happy anniversary card or cards', even, to send whoever, it may concern, especially if that's the whole country, as in the case of the Edison "malarkey" !!!!

At least Onion News has done what readers in East Hampshire have been calling for since I don't know when, and they've at last revived their popular "Your Anniversaries Tonight" feature - and not before time !!! Check out today's front pages!!!!!

And all this "hoo-ha" certainly brings a blush to the cheeks of me and my wife Lois, here in leafy Liphook, recently dubbed the "cultural hotspot" of East Hampshire - a label that the town's accepting with pride, if we're to believe our neighbours' somewhat breathless sighs of satisfaction !!!

my wife Lois and me - a recent picture

Let me put my cards on the table at this point! [I wish you wouldn't keep doing that, Colin! - Ed]

When it comes to anniversary shenanigans this week, Lois and I are no exceptions to the general rule, because tomorrow it's our 54th wedding thingummy (!), and I find myself this afternoon busily working away on my personal anniversary card to Lois. We're celebrating tomorrow with lunch at Adriano's Italian restaurant in nearby Beacon Hill, so I'm theming my card by recalling our lovely holiday in Pisa, Italy back in 1998, when our daughter Alison was studying at the university there.

flashback to 1998: Lois with our daughter Alison on a balcony

in Pisa, where Alison was doing her study year there

A very romantic holiday, Lois and I had decided to stay at what turned out to be a dodgy hotel just under the Leaning Tower, the kind where suspicious couples sign in in the name of whatever the Italian equivalent of "Mr and Mrs Smith" is, and which the police visit at regular intervals - not very restful, but not boring either, if I can put the best "spin" on it!

I've managed to fish out a few of our 'holiday pics' to stick on my home-made anniversary card, but remember this is all top secret information until 7:30am tomorrow (Tuesday) when I bring Lois her card at the same time as her usual "cup of tea in bed" - after that, it'll all be "in the public domain", so talk about all you like, and at length even, if you so desire haha!!!

Lois and I were just 52 then, in 1998, a lovely age to be, with our daughter Alison on her way to getting a degree from Cardiff University, and already having met there her future husband, Edward, while our other daughter Sarah was approaching her A-Levels and already thinking about which university she wanted to aim for. 

Happy days!!!!

Lois and I don't normally exchange presents for our wedding anniversary - the "present" is normally just the lunch out followed by sleeping it off in bed in the afternoon, which seems to work for us! But recently we've been binge-watching the Canadian sitcom "Schitt's Creek", and learning all the catch phrases like Alexis's "Ew David!", spoken excruciatingly often to her brother David. 

And we also like doing the gestures like the one we call Alexis's "rabbit hands" (!). 

I tried to order the "Ew David" t-shirt that's been advertised to me on my Facebook feed ever since we started watching the show, but I keep being told that "it's not available in your country" - what madness!! So why do you keep advertising it to me, then? Wake up!!!! Is it all part of some international 'tariff war' of the sort that's popular nowadays? I think I should be told, and quickly haha!

(top left) the "Ew David" t-shirt that I tried to get Lois for our anniversary,

only to be told that it's "not available in your country"; (top right) Alexis doing her

"rabbit hands", and below Alexis saying the famous phrase to a petulant David

I'm putting my disappointment aside, however, and looking forward to our anniversary tomorrow. 

Just think, 54 years - it's quite a time, although it doesn't feel like it, which is good, to put it mildly! 

Have we changed in that time? I don't think we have, not really much! My reference is, as always, the verse that singer-songwriter Paul Simon inserted later into the original lyrics of his song "The Boxer";

flashback to 1970: the earliest known photo of us together,

in a rented cottage in Shropshire

(left) flashback to 1972: cutting our wedding cake, and (right)

Paul Simon's amended lyrics for "The Boxer"

10:00 Nevertheless we are now both 80 years of age, and when we take our daily walk this morning, Lois is slightly anxious about her dress, which has shrunk a bit in the wash, and she says she's worried that it isn't "appropriate" for an octogenarian to be wearing what's become a bit of a "mini-dress".  

However, she clearly doesn't look her age, so we decide in the end that it'll be okay, and certainly there is a clear absence of outrage from the handful of dog-walkers and tennis-players that we encounter, so that's all good!!!!

Lois, showing 'a bit more leg than usual' on our walk over Liphook United's "hallowed turf"

this morning - but nobody would guess she was 80, surely. Be fair!!!

At last the Liphook United club secretary has "pulled his finger out" and, on the run-down clubhouse window, has at last  posted details of the squad chosen for the lads' upcoming East Hampshire Premier League "grudge match" against local rivals Hook (without the "lip" !!!). Nice to see, also, that former "club legend" Steve Harding will be team's exciting "no 9 shirt" come Saturday. So watch this space!!

A promising start to the season, with Liphook United currently "languishing" in the coveted no.7 spot, under the management of club legends Steve Harding (above, right) and Ash Sharp [not shown]

Yes, Lois is clearly showing a bit more 'leg' than usual today, and even household pests are taking advantage, and I'm not talking about Yours Truly here, in this case, if you're wondering! 

Because, in other news, the dozy fly that's been driving Lois and me mad with its crazy antics around our house, has been taking advantage of Lois's hemline, and studiously avoiding the "honey trap" I laid for it a couple of days ago, which is a pity!

(left) flashback to a couple of days ago, when I first designed my 'honey trap' -

a former margarine tub filled with water, honey and washing-up liquid,

and (right) the fly showing its disdain, and flaunting itself on one of Lois's 2 knees

Is it my clearly-marked "Fly Trap" sign that's proved the trap's undoing - a fundamental "design fault" maybe? I think I should be told (postcards only!!!!) !!!!

I wonder....!

But what madness, isn't it !!!!

20:00 And there's more madness tonight, when Lois and I finally (!) get a bit of peace and quiet and can at last settle down on the couch and watch our favourite TV quiz, "Only Connect", which tests lateral thinking.

Can YOU work out the link between these 4 seemingly unrelated "things" ?

I think you've got this one, haven't you!

Yes it's all about a survey about attitudes to swearing, with 91% thinking it's "okay" to swear when you're home alone; for 87% it's "okay" to swear in response to pain, but only 4% thinking that it's acceptable either in church or in front of children, which is fair enough!

As a postscript, however, programme presenter Victoria Coren-Mitchell adds another statistic, this time about swearing on TV, which is illuminating.

Wow! And that's little snippet that Victoria gives away tonight will certainly add fuel to the rumours that the "unedited" version of the show, which the BBC for some reason refuses to show us, is as long as an hour (i.e. twice the broadcast length!) or even two hours, some believe!

Bu what a crazy world we live in !!!!

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzzzz!!!!!!