Yes, Friends, have YOU ever been embarrassed when travelling by train - it's all too common an experience, isn't it, and there was a prime example in today's Onion News - just turn to page 94, and prepare to squirm!!!!
Poor Baby Liam !!!!!
But thank goodness, also, that, in the end, his dear little baby toes distracted the poor little mite, and made him feel at least 1% less foolish, if not more (more less foolish, I mean, or even lesser foolish [sic] !!!!!) !!!!!
And reading little Liam's story this morning, here in semi-detached Liphook, Hampshire, brings an awkward smile to the faces of me and my wife Lois, to put it mildly!
me and my wife Lois - a recent picture
Toes are wonderful body-parts to have, and we're grateful for all twenty of our collective set (!), but we're less enthused about our twenty toe-nails, which are growing apace - take a look at yours some time and you'll see what I mean!
[Stop wittering on, Colin! - Ed]
And by complete coincidence today, Lois and I are going to be having to drive to nearby Beacon Hill, for a session with Janice, our podiatrist, in her little clinic in her lovely back-garden.
Yes, I'm afraid that, as certified 'old codgers', nothing reminds us so much that we're old, as the fact of having to pay somebody to cut our toe-nails for us.
What a madness old age is !!!!!
(above) Janice, our podiatrist, and (below) Lois and I amuse ourselves
like little kids, taking pictures of each other when Janice pops outside
for a few minutes! What fun we have when it's just us !!!!!!!
And by the end of our hour, we realise that we know all about Janice's life, and her 'issues' with partners and her daughters: all about her recent holiday in Spain with her partner, and, also, until today we didn't know that she is actually 59 - she looks so much younger than 59, the little minx!!!!
We even end up knowing about the issues of the other people in her life, not just those of her family, but even the problems faced by her 'fave girlie' or 'bestie', as young people say today, a woman-friend who unfortunately, it appears, suffers from 'impostor syndrome' - something Lois and I had never heard of.
What madness, isn't it !!!!
Janice, our podiatrist, on one of her recent holidays in Spain -
pictures she posted on social media, which is nice!
"Imposter Syndrome - one of the key issues currently being faced by
Janice's "fave girlie" or "bestie", as young people say today
- all news to Lois and me !!!!!!
But that's it, in a nutshell, with Janice! Lois and I always go away feeling, not just more comfortable in our 'appendages' (!), but also much more knowledgeable than when we came in!
And there are so many other compensations, in having things done to your 'appendages' (!) by the lovely Janice, because she's such a good talker that you don't notice the cutting of the nails, the removal of rough skin, the soothing balms being applied etc. And before you know it, the hour is over and it's time to "pay up and look good", as Lois's old dad Dennis used to say!
You too can have toes like this - after you've seen Janice!
And apart from her undoubted specialist skills, Janice's easy, chatty manner is why she is so popular, I think, and, with her main local rival Zoe having recently 'shut up shop' with only a few minutes' notice, Janice is now snowed under with local 'old codgers' demanding her services, and the hassle of fitting them all in is currently driving her mental, she says!
Luckily today we can tell her that we've found an alternative local 'toes-woman' as we call it, Julie, who's recently moved to Liphook, and who visits you in your home, which is nice, and we'll be trying Julie out next month, all being well.
(left) Janice, our current 'toes-woman', and (right) Julie,
our possible future 'toes-woman' - and Lois and I are looking
forward to hearing about Julie's life and 'issues', to put it mildly!!!!
So watch this space!
[Is that all you two 'noggins' have done today, Colin? Driven to Beacon Hill and had your toe-nails cut? - Ed]
Absolutely not! Somehow later today we somehow manage to find the time to squeeze in, not just an afternoon in bed for 'statutory nap-time', but also an hour or two on the couch in the evening, to 'take in' a programme or two on the "telly", would you believe, for good measure!!!
[Well, bully for you, you poor 'sods' ! Some of us have to work for a living! - Ed]
Sitting here tonight on the couch, our feet feel lovely, although we've certainly both lost a lot of so-called 'keratin' today - with the cutting of all those toe-nails, that's for sure (!).
And tonight, we learn even more about so-called 'keratin', by watching Monday's edition in the BBC's "Springwatch" series, which takes a look at the state of nature and wild life in the UK, with the help of a team of local presenters.
Apparently, so-called 'keratin', the mysterious substance that's in mine and Lois's toenails, also makes up most of birds' feathers, which is crazy!
What madness !!!!
And who knew, for example, that many species of birds in the UK choose to line their nests with white feathers rather than with coloured ones, and with good reason, as it turns out.
a starling feathering its nest with, crucially, white feathers,
rather than with coloured ones
In a study carried out recently in Denmark, swallows were offered a choice between white and coloured feathers to line their nests with, and the white feathers proved to be the feathers of choice in 73% of cases. And researchers discovered, also, that, in nests lined with white feathers, more chicks hatched out successfully and they also grew faster once they had hatched.
The researchers then compared the nests lined by white feathers, with the nests lined by coloured feathers, and found that, in the nests with the coloured feathers, there were more harmful bacteria present.
A bacterium called 'bacillus lichenoformis', lives on all feathers, and degrades the keratin present in them, producing a compound with anti-microbial properties, benefitting the eggs, and also the chicks after they hatch.
With the darker, non-white feathers, however, there's another substance also present, 'melanin', a tough substance, which makes the keratin harder to break down. The result is that those coloured feathers tend to stay intact, and therefore don't offer the chicks the same advantages as the white feathers do, which is weird.
an example of a black-and-white feather - you can see that the
black parts are more intact than the white parts
See? Simples!
And I know that you, dear Reader, now understand the science [??? - Ed], but the birds themselves don't understand it, of course. However, presumably, the birds that prefer white feathers have, after, like, billions of years (more probably!), managed to out-populate the ones that prefer the coloured feathers, and the rest is history!
But what a crazy planet we live on !!!!!
[That's enough science! - Ed]
Will this do?
[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]
22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzzzz!!!!!
