Sunday September 27th 2026 "Are YOU 'going places'? If you aren't, well you'd better find YOUR 'get-up-and-go' and go, not forgetting to get up first haha !!!!"

Yes, Friends, are you 'going places' or are you merely 'stuck in the mud'? Well, you'd better find your 'get-up-and-go' pretty quick, as you long as you get the order right, and 'get up' first, before you 'go', take my advice - that's Colin's "tip of the day" !!!!

[Great 'Colin's tip of the day' today, Colin, if I may say so! - Ed] [Thanks! - Colin]

Certainly today is a day for moving about - no question about that! Just look at today's press, with Onion News leading the pack, as always. Just look at their travel-staff "doozies", from page 94 alone!!

Yes, today it's travel madness, all right! 

And these stories (and more!) bring a quick, if only fleeting, and rather vapid, smile to the faces of me and my wife Lois, as we sit in her church's Sunday Morning Meeting this morning, here in Petersfield, Hampshire, a few miles from our home in semi-rural Liphook, that's for sure!

(left) my wife Lois and me, sitting in a village hall near nearby Petersfield, Hampshire,

waiting for the Sunday Morning Meeting to begin, as (right) other church-members

filter in, and the big screen lights up with this week's online participants (!)

Truth be told, Lois and I can't help feeling a teeny bit jealous of all these people zooming about the world today, while, by contrast, we ourselves are strictly limited to the joys of Liphook and the other 'fleshpots' of East Hampshire, semi-attractive though they undoubtedly are !!!!

First and foremost amongst these people 'going places' are my niece Lucy and new Anglo-American wife Rosanna who finally got away to Europe this week, travelling from London's St Pancras station, on their Euro-rail honeymoon, with first photos now at last coming through from Brussels and Vienna.

(left) London's St Pancras Station, and (right) the train route from London to Vienna

via Brussels that the happy  couple [inset] have taken this week

And they're eating the most peculiar things, to judge from some of the pictures, but then, let's face it, that's what European holidays are all about, isn't it!!!! In the first picture (see below) it looks like Rosanna has an enormous bread-crumb-coated hat, or maybe breadcrumb-coated tea-cosy on her plate, while Lucy just has a slice of lemon, would you believe!

I hope that's not a symbol of what their married life is going to be like! 

Share and share alike, girls! That's the motto that's kept mine and Lois's marriage going these last 54 years!!! And that's Colin's today's "supertip" for a successful marriage - just saying !!!!

my niece Lucy and new wife Rosanna in Brussels and Vienna, on their Eurorail

honeymoon this week, eating and drinking the 'most craziest' [sic] things - but that's Europe!!!!!

They're both over in Europe, having a jolly good time, hopefully (!), but meanwhile poor Lois and I are stuck here in Liphook - poor us!!!!

Even our daughter Sarah, who lives in Perth, Australia with husband Francis and their 13-year-old twins Lily and Jessica have been "out and about" today, with a 2-hour drive to the so-called "Pinnacles", followed (naturally!) by a 2-hour drive home to Perth, as Lois and I find out in our weekly Sunday catch-up whatsapp call with them this lunchtime - 234 miles in total, and on a Sunday too !!!! 

At least they've all got a day off tomorrow, for the King's Birthday. But even so, what madness, isn't it !!!!!

our weekly Sunday "catch-up" call with our daughter Sarah, who lives in Perth, Australia

with husband Francis and their 13-year-old twins Lily and Jessica

They whole family is really tired after their 4-hour total drive time plus all the "larking about" on the so-called Pinnacles, near the mysterious Hangover Bay coastal feature (!). Plus, don't forget it may be 1:30pm in Liphook, but it's already 8:30 pm in Perth, would you believe, and they're all probably heading for an early bed! 

But what a crazy planet we live on !!!!

what mine and Lois's little "Australian family" have been doing today - driving 117 miles

up the coast to the so-called "Pinnacles" or "Pinnacles Desert" near the 

mysteriously named "Hangover Bay" - what a crazy way to spend a Sunday !!!!!

But "What's that all about, Colin?", I hear you cry!

Well, to answer any questions you may have, "Hangover Bay" actually isn't a reference to any so-called 'towering cliffs' - it really is a place where people went when they'd been over-celebrating, and had had rather too much to drink, which is weird! 

The native Yued People, however, call the bay "Ngoorndiny Wirn Ngoorbar", which means "resting spirit day", and sounds charming, but it's undoubtedly also a lot less "snappy", as a name, so fair enough - the native name evidently got quickly dumped by the busy Aussies, who haven't got time for all that kind of 'malarkey', no surprise there!

What madness!!!! [That's enough madness for today! - Ed]

But what about "The Pinnacles" or "The Pinnacles Desert" - what's that all about, Colin?" I hear you still plaintively pleading (!) - believe me, I can just sense it !!!!!

14:00 Lois and I, meanwhile, are definitely "not on the move" today, other than, just, this afternoon, going on our normal 10-second trip "up the stairs to Bedfordshire", as people used to say!  Even in bed, however, we can't get away from even more "travel news", coming in on our phones!

No peace for the wicked!!!!

even in bed this afternoon, Lois and I can't get away from 

even more crazy "travel news" - what madness!!!!

Yes, in bed this afternoon, Lois gets a message on her phone from Margaret, one of her "chair-yoga" friends, whose grandson Philip has been sending his first pictures from the faraway Falkland Islands, where he's recently been posted by the RAF, which is mad!

At least Philip has been getting to know some of the 'natives' - mainly ones of the winged variety (!), to judge from his latest 'snaps' (!).

one of Lois's "chair yoga" friends' grandson, Philip, just posted to the Falklands

by the RAF, getting to know some of the natives, who seem to be having a meeting!!!!

Awwwww !!!! Look at those penguins, standing about chatting during one of their so-called "meetings" - so sweet! Awwww (again) !!!!

Aren't birds weird! And you only have to look at the so-called "shoebill stork", if you want proof!!

the so-called "shoebill stork" - is this the world's weirdest bird?

Your views welcome - postcards only haha!!!

Perhaps the weirdest thing about birds is that they're the only remaining living relic of the dinosaur age, having survived all their dinosaur relations simply by having some "extra-fuzzy" feathers, which sounds crazy. And as a theory it's a bit "fuzzy" in its own way, to put it mildly(!), as Lois and I have been finding out from Lois's copy of "The Week" magazine, which "plopped" through our letter-box this week.

The magazine summarises the big stories of the past week, from home and abroad, and here's an extract from the journal's popular "What the Scientists Are Saying" column.

Lois's copy of "The Week" magazine with the latest theory about 

whybirds were the only survivors of the Dinosaur Age

16:00 It's four o'clock and Lois and I have to somehow struggle out of bed, not having travelled anywhere much this afternoon, other than here and there in our little 6ft x 5ft "space", which is at least cosy, even if any majestic "views" are somewhat strictly limited !!!!

We're not, however, tempted to follow the example of ageing model Jerry Hall (70) who likes her empty bed, now that she's divorced from long-term "squeeze", singer Mick Jagger. Though devastated at first, friends say, Hall has now "bounced back", elated that she can now lie diagonally across their former bed, for example, according to "The Week", which is heart-warming!

18:00 This evening, however, Lois and I can at least travel in time, if not in space (!), because we've got tickets to see the latest film imagining of Jane Austen's early 19th century novel "Sense and Sensibility" at Liphook's "Living Room Cinema", just an easy half a mile away (!), which is nice! 

Liphook's iconic "Living Room Cinema"

And today's "crazy bird" theme continues, because we're going to see the film not on our own, but with our other daughter Alison, who's  currently suffering from "empty nest syndrome", now that her two eldest "fledgelings", Josie (20) and Rosalind (18) have both gone off to college this weekend for the autumn term (!),

Although luckily Alison will still have son Isaac (16) and husband Edward (51) still "chirping away in the nest" (!), and needing "feeding" three times a day, so that'll be some consolation to her!!!! Poor Alison !!!!!

Lois and me, with daughter Alison this evening, in our seats waiting for the film to begin,

me with a gin-and-tonic, bought in the bar by Alison for her poor old dad (!)

I'm feeling a bit nervous, to put it mildly, because it's fair to say that the audience is very "female-heavy",  as becomes obvious right from the moment when we first step into the cinema's bar from Liphook's "mean streets". It's a bit of a toxic cocktail (no pun intended!!!):- a huge mob of crazed Jane Austen fans in the proximity of seemingly unlimited supplies of "booze". 

However, I stick close to Lois, and none of the women tries to pick me up, so that's all good!

[You don't say! - Ed]

me (extreme right), intimidated by being in an environment at the same time 

"female-heavy", and, additionally, with access to seemingly unlimited supplies of "booze", 

seen here in the cinema's bar, with my wife Alison and our elder daughter Alison, 

before going through to our seats to see "Sense and Sensibility"

And I'm okay during the film too, because luckily Lois has given me a "briefing" in bed this afternoon, with a synopsis and a short summary of the main characters, so I find I can more or less keep up with the plot, although as usual I sometimes mix up the main characters, which is a pity (!). 

It turns out that the story is all about 2 sisters, Elinor (who's sensible) and Marianne (who's sensuous - geddit?)  and about their adventures on the tortuous path to finding true love, I can exclusively reveal, so that's all good!

It's visually stunning as a film, we all agree, although Lois and Alison, both big Austen fans to put it mildly, are critical of some of the bits in the film that are "not in the book" - like the imported failed attempt to stage a duel, and, more generally, the speed with which the 2-hour film attempts to cover the bumper 400-page events from the original novel (!).

So it's a partial "thumbs up" for the film, from at least one pair of Austen-lovers, which is nice (!).

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzz!!!!

Saturday September 26th 2026 "Friends, do YOU know any clever students? Well, October's nearly here, they'll soon be gone haha!!!"

Yes, Friends, do YOU know a clever student? Or even a stupid one? Well, don't worry, October's just around the corner, and they'll all soon be disappearing, saying they're off to college, but we just have to take their word for THAT haha !!!!

And our UK press is suddenly bulging with 'college' stories and 'student' stories - have you noticed? There are even a couple of "doozies" in today's Onion News, if you want proof !!!!

What madness, isn't it !!!!

But these seasonal college stories bring a smile of recognition to the faces of me and my wife Lois today, here in semi-attractive Liphook, Hampshire - you can take that for 'granted' !!! [You don't say! - Ed]

my wife Lois and me - a recent picture

And those semi-ghostly "smiles of recognition" on our mouths probably have something to do with the two eldest of our 5 grandchildren, who are both on their way to college this very weekend, including Rosalind (18), who's being taken up to UCL London today by her mum and dad - our daughter Alison and husband Edward -  to start her 4-year International Relations degree course. 

All this what-we-call "to-ing and fro-ing" is all far too much for Lois and me !!!! Dubbed by our neighbours  'possibly Liphook's busiest-looking retired couple', we've got more than enough 'frantic activity' in our own home lives, without having to keep track of it on a more 'national' basis, thank you very much!!!!

Stop the world - we want to get off !!!!!! 

(left) our daughter Alison takes this picture early today, as she and husband Edward drive

their "middle" offspring Rosalind (inset) into London to set her up in her student bedsit,

and (right) Edward relaxing in her room before the journey home to Headley, Hampshire

And - believe it or not - tomorrow (Sunday) Edward will be on the move again would you believe (!), travelling with our eldest granddaughter Josie (20) on the 300 miles journey north, up to Durham, for the start of the 2nd year of her maths degree course!

Doesn't anybody stay exactly where they are, any more ?????

flashback to August: our daughter Alison (seen in mirror) and husband Edward take Josie

for a preliminary look at what's going to be her new flat-share for the 2nd year

of her maths degree course at Durham, setting her up with all her "essentials"

Busy busy busy!!!! But wait, there's more!!!

As soon as our son-in-law Edward has set Josie up in her new flat-share in Durham tomorrow, he'll be taking the train down to Liverpool for a crazy few days in Liverpool, which is mad!

Edward, who's on the board of one of the UK's many railway companies, will be attending this year's Labour Party Conference in Liverpool, dropping in at many of the associated "fringe" events, hoping to catch the eye of new premier Andy Burnham's Transport Secretary Heidi Alexander, and to do a bit of discreet 'lobbying', as he calls it (!).

You young scamp, Edward !!!!

(left) UK Prime Minister Andy Burnham arriving in Liverpool today with Dutch-born wife 

Marie-France van Heel for next week's annual Labour Party Conference,

and (right) Transport Secretary Heidi Alexander, whom our son-in-law Edward [inset]

is hoping to catch the eye of, and do some discreet lobbying with - the young scamp !!!

What a crazy world we live in !!!!!

But let me put my cards on the table at this point! [I wish you wouldn't keep doing that, Colin! - Ed]

It's no wonder that Lois and I get a little confused, sometimes, by our crazy modern world! You see, we both turned 80 this year, although we look much younger, more like half what our official age is, in cold, hard figures, or so our neighbours tell us! 

[?????? - I want signed statements to that effect, before I let you put that obviously made-up claim in print again, Colin! - Ed]

flashback to earlier this year: (left) Lois in June showcasing a birthday bouquet,

and (right) me in March, showcasing a half-eaten vegetable spring roll - yum yum !!!!

And that's why both Lois and I, as a pair of fully-paid up "old codgers" are eagerly awaiting the start of octogenarian radio presenter Michael Rosen's new BBC Radio 4 series, "Seven Ages of Man", starting tonight. 

We're both hoping to get some so-called "insights" into so-called "old age" from "fellow-sufferers" (!), which would be nice!

And Michael's first guest tonight is none other than former Monty Python star, Michael Palin, who's 83, and has now started a new career as one of the UK's billion or more "celebrity travelogue" presenters, which is mad!!!!!

(top left) BBC radio presenter and former actor Michael Rosen, and (below, left)

former Monty Python star and celebrity travelogue presenter Michael Palin

Presenter Rosen, a former actor who's just turned 80 himself, and his guest Palin, who's 83, both agree that turning 80 has meant a glorious sense of "liberation". At last they can  ditch their typical male "competition mania", the crazy desire to outperform the other men in their respective circles. 

When you're in your 80's, people stop asking you what you're aiming for, and what your objectives are, and you can just switch off and enjoy yourself, Palin says. And he confesses that, at last, he feels a bit marginalised, but in a good way, so can just pursue whatever he wants to pursue, whether it impresses other men or not! And he shares with us some of his more recent pursuits, including learning to make pickled cucumbers as nice as his mum used to do for him, which is heart-warming! 

Michael Palin's mum and dad, outside their home in Sheffield, Yorkshire

Early in Palin's career, as one of 20 to 20 scriptwriters for the David Frost show - almost all men, of course (!) - there was tremendous competition to write the funniest gags. As one of the Pythons, Palin constantly felt the need to come up with more laugh ideas than the others, at the routine pre-programme "table-read sessions". 

David Frost with his gag-writers, and Palin in the back row, second from right

This "toxic masculinity" was never really Palin's "bag", however, and he constantly made fun of it, with, for example, with his Python song "I'm a Lumberjack":

And this dumping of male competitiveness also helps Palin in his more recent, late-blossoming career as a "celebrity travelogue" presenter, he says. No longer needing to exude the fact that he's a man, and so "has all the answers", he is better able to get his interviewees to reveal more about themselves, he says, so that's all good!

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzz!!!!!

Friday September 25th 2026 "Have YOU befriended the many robots already working in YOUR town? You'll be surprised how 'talented' they are !!!"

Yes, Friends, have YOU befriended robots working in YOUR town? Many of them are surprisingly talented, speaking every language in the world, including YOURS, would you believe! And it's so very important to "include" them, and to make them feel wanted, isn't it!

And one thing's for sure - we can't keep robots from grabbing all the juiciest headlines! And, would you believe, all the stories in this morning's Onion News feature robots, saving us humans from having to do anything spectacular or newsworthy in the last 24 hours, which must have come as no small relief, to put it mildly !!!!

And these headlines are going to bring a heady smile of sympathy today to the faces of me and my wife Lois, here in unnaturally picturesque Liphook, Hampshire - that's "a given" !!!!

my wife Lois and me in the garden of our home in Liphook, Hampshire - a recent picture

And we're laughing about "the unstoppable march of those crazy, lovable robots", as Lois and I have dubbed the phenomenon (!), because our copy of "The Week" magazine has "plopped" through our letterbox this afternoon, with its bombshell lead story on the robots' latest stage in their planned world takeover, which is genuinely heart-warming, that's for sure!

A good old "humanoid interest story" of the best, and most old-fashioned, kind, which is nice!

However, when we're in bed this afternoon, for "statutory nap-time", Lois and I can't help feeling it's a pity that winning iconic series such as "America's Got Talent" seems to be beyond the wit of American robots - what's happened to the good old American robots, may we ask, if you please!!!!!

Wake up, America haha !!!!

For Lois and me, however, it's still nice to get a couple of hours to relax this afternoon after another typically busy morning for us, rushing into Liphook village's bustling, so-called "downtown area", or should I say "down-village area" (!) [No! - Ed]. 

You see, we need to book a routine hearing-aid test next week for Lois at Liphook Eye Care, or should I say Liphook Ear Care (?) [Again, no! - Ed]. And we also have to make sure Lois has got everything she needs as regards her requirements for her church's Sunday Morning Meeting, when she's on the the rota to provide the bread and wine, would you believe!!! 

Liphook's bustling [???- Ed] village centre

So, before Sunday, a visit to the town's iconic bakery is a must, with a special request not to slice the bread for us, thank you very much, it has to be served up in "mouthfuls", as you know.

But what a mad pair we are - and we're getting quite a reputation in that bakery for our "non-standard" requests, that's for sure !!!!

mine and Lois's mad morning this morning - booking a hearing aid test for Lois at

Liphook Eye Care, in Liphook's "throbbing" Village Centre (!), before popping 

across the street to the iconic so-called "Bakery" - busy busy busy!!!!

[Is that all really you two "noggins" have done today, Colin - popping in to two shops and then spending the afternoon in bed? - Ed]

Well, no, actually, seeing as how you're obviously interested!!!!! 

You see, also this morning, Lois and I somehow found time to host a visit from the eldest of our 5 grandchildren, Josie (20), just about to start Year 2 of her maths degree course at Durham, and due to travel up there on Sunday. 

Josie's books and most of her "stuff" are already installed in what's going to be her flat-share in Durham this academic year, thanks to a preliminary visit in August with her mum and dad - our daughter Alison and husband Edward. See the iconic pictures below!

flashback to August: our daughter Alison and husband Edward take Josie

for a preliminary look at what's going to be her new flat-share for the 2nd year

of her maths degree course at Durham, setting her up with all her "essentials"

Josie, who moves officially up to Durham on Sunday for the official start of the autumn term, is also already applying for, like, a billion internships - more probably! - at various firms. And today she needs a quiet place to record her application videos, while her mum and dad's house in nearby Headley is in the hands of builders, a-hammerin' and a-yammerin' from morn to night, which is mad, too!!!! 

Josie's family's home in nearby Headley, currently

in the hands of builders, a-hammerin' and a-yammerin' 

from morn to night - what madness, isn't it!!!

Hence Josie's second (or is it third?) visit to Lois and me this morning seeking refuge, and a quiet room to do her video recordings in.

Poor Josie !!!!!

And that's not all !!!!

This weekend is going to be quite a weekend for our daughter Alison and husband Edward. On Saturday they'll be taking one of their 2 other offsprings - is that a word? [No! - Ed], Rosalind (18) up to London and installing her in her student room, ready for the first year of her International Relations (plus Danish!) degree course at University College, London (UCL). 

Our daughter Alison and husband Edward's second offspring,

Rosalind (18), about to start the first year of her "International

Relations plus Danish" degree course at UCL

And then the very next day, i.e. on Sunday, Edward is accompanying Josie, their eldest, for the 300 mile trip north to Durham. Josie will be driving in her own car, with her dad in the passenger seat, or sharing the driving, so that Josie can have the use of her car in Durham during the coming autumn term. 

proud dad Edward, seen here with eldest offspring Josie (20),

who's about to start the 2nd year of her maths degree

course at Durham University

And even that is not all, would you believe !!!!

After installing Josie in her Durham flat-share, dad Edward will then travel on by train to Liverpool, so he can attend next week's Labour Party Conference, if you please, which is totally mad !!! Luckily, being in the railway business, Edward will get a generous discount on his ticket, which will ease some of the pain to his wallet (!!!!!).

One of the two routes shown on the map below shaves a full minute off the travel time, which could be vital in Edward's approach to the "(train) corridors of power" (!), Lois and I think!

two of the possible routes that our son-in-law Edward's train

could take, travelling from Durham to Liverpool: one route could

"shave" a crucial 1 minute off Edward's travel time, which could be vital !!!!

Edward is on the board of one of the UK's many railway companies, and he has just returned from Boston USA, would you believe, after talks about a possible joint venture with an American railroad company. And next week Edward is due to be attending various Labour Party Conference "fringe events", with opportunities for maybe a quiet word (or two!) with Andy Burnham's Transport Secretary Heidi Alexander, Labour MP for railway town Swindon. 

So here's hoping Edward can catch Heidi's eye, the young scamp !!!!

(left) new UK Prime Minister Andy Burnham, and (right) Transport Secretary 

Heidi Alexander, Labour MP for 'railway town' Swindon, Wiltshire

What a crazy world we live in !!!!!

Byeeeeeeeeee !!!!!!

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzzz!!!!!

Thursday September 24th 2026 "We can be heroes, just for one day" - David Bowie said so haha!!!"

Yes, Friends, are YOU a hero when the occasion demands it? A crisis or an emergency seems to bring out the best in people - have you noticed? And all the time we seem to hear stories of quiet, ordinary people showing their "mettle" and "saving the day", when all seems lost, which is heart-warming, to put it mildly!

Have you seen today's Onion News? There are a couple of real "doozies" making the headlines - just turn to page 94 !!!! 

And these stories of "derring-do" by ordinary everyday folks bring an eye-watering glint to the eyes of me and my wife Lois this morning, here in semi-welcoming Liphook, Hampshire - no question about that!

my wife Lois and me - a recent picture

To look at me in that picture - an "everyday jobbing blogger", as I've recently been dubbed by my Liphook neighbours, you wouldn't think that I'd be capable of heroic deeds, but think again!!!

Even my wife Lois was surprised when I leapt into action yesterday, when, within weeks of the Government's new emergency food advice being issued, I got on my laptop and ordered a bunch of emergency food items from online supermarket Ocado. I even had the courage to include some so-called "legumes", even though I'm not 100% sure what that means, would you believe! 

Yikes! And hence some mystery "extra items" that I added to our normal supermarket delivery, and soon after our delivery arrived, containing some of the items listed below, I was to be seen mounting a precarious small step-ladder and stashing all those tins and bottles carefully on a shelf in our garage - even Lois, normally slow to show her deepest emotions, applauded me so hard, I thought she might wake the neighbours, which is mad!!!!

me bravely mounting a small step-ladder and storing our hard-ordered online

emergency groceries on a shelf in our garage this morning - what a hero!

This emergency "hoard" should keep us going for at least a couple of hours, more possibly (!),  in the event of an emergency, so that's all good!!!

What madness, isn't it !!!!

However, what if our neighbours have heard Lois's girlish - or should I say "womanish" cries of admiration and, when the crisis comes, what if they come knocking on our door demanding their share of my carefully-assembled hoard?

Some of them, eg. retiree Christine from no. 13, the superficially kind person who brings everybody in the street's wheelie bins back to them after they've been emptied, sometimes looks as if she might "turn ugly" in an emergency - yikes!!!!!

And how would Lois and I deal with her if she came across the street in a crisis, looking to grab some of our "goodies", just because we've maybe been showing a bit more "foresight" and "providence" than she has?  I wonder.....!

16:00 Well, if any of our mostly aged neighbours come to us looking for "trouble", Lois and I know how to deal with them now, especially after listening to this afternoon's edition of "Word of Mouth" on Radio 4, where presenter Michael Rosen talks to somebody who can certainly "handle himself": nightclub bouncer George Bass, who's just published a book of memoirs - "What the Bouncer Saw".

"Words and tone are my riot shield", Bass tells presenter Rosen. But trouble-makers have to understand that you mean what you say, he stresses. And to be a good bouncer, you also need to have emotional insight, and to be a good mind-reader. You have to persuade people to "stand down" without feeling like it's a surrender on their part.

George Bass, author of "What the Bouncer Saw", published May 2026

In the past, Bass says, bouncers had a rather thuggish image, but all that changed in 2003, since when, bouncers have to have a licence from the SIA (Security Industry Authority) and so have become more like social workers than thugs, making sure that trouble-makers don't harm themselves or others, and that everybody "has a good time". 

bouncers before and after the 2003 introduction of SIA accreditation

And nightclub managers like it that way - it's not good for a club's image if there's a bouncer on the door in a bow tie wielding a pick-axe handle, and a punter inside chasing their teeth across the dance-floor. an attitude that Lois and I can sympathise with !

A good bouncer will be able to spot the person about to blow up, go across and "talk them down" - asking them what they're after, what's the problem etc. For the bouncer, getting physical is always a last resort. Often trouble-makers are pleased, flattered even, if you tell them that they're frightening people, and that they're being "scary", as many of them are young people who have never had any respect growing up. 

It's not the bouncer's aim to "win" against the guy, just to get him off-site as peacefully as possible. 

it's not the bouncer's aim to 'win' against a troublemaker,

just to get him off-site as peacefully as possible.

Interestingly, it's only the older trouble-makers who are spooked by the bouncer's mandatory body-cam. The younger, "Gen Z" trouble-makers have grown up in the age of selfies and social media video-clips, "followers" etc, and to them it's all a natural part of the modern world. Tellingly, many boast to the bouncer, that "I've got more followers than you". However the bouncer can reply, "Yes, but my followers are the police!".

Lois and I are both 80, although we look younger, or so we tell ourselves (!), and therefore naturally we have only limited knowledge of today's nightclub bouncers and their methods (!). And we didn't know, for example, that the bodycams only record if the bouncer presses a button, but that the camera saves footage from 10 seconds before the button-press, as the assumption is that the situation has already started to become volatile. When the bouncer says, "I'm recording now", this has a definite calming effect on the trouble-maker too, making them think that, "Oh yikes, my parents / my boss / the police / the courts, are going to see this!".

Also, with Gen Z trouble-makers, bouncer Bass finds that, while they're used to mobile phones, they tend to get overawed by the less familiar medium of walkie-talkie radio with its weird, "crackly" sound, and apparently they start to worry that half the Army is about to arrive, which also has a calming effect, we're told. Which it would, naturally!

police arriving outside a nightclub, but many troublemakers

are apparently half-expecting the Army, would you believe!!!

Finally, programme presenter Rosen asks bouncer Bass what his ultimate weapon is, if he's having difficulty getting a trouble-maker out of a club if it's closing time and they just won't go?

Here's an example of one of his ultimate weapons - the flattering, and alluring, suggestion:

"Listen, mate, that red-head who was talking to you earlier, the one built like Sydney Sweeney [who she? - Ed], she's out front right now, begging for your phone number. I told her I'd ask you if you could give it to her personally. Are you interested?" Then, apparently, once the bouncer's got the guy outside, he just bars the door and puts the kettle on - simples!!!!

Actress Sydney Sweeney (29) - idol of many a Gen Z trouble-maker (!)

Fascinating stuff, isn't it!!!

16:30 And after the programme ends, Lois and I have a chat and, as a result, we think we know how to handle Christine, or any of our other improvident, elderly neighbours, if they come looking for trouble, after hearing about our 'secret grocery hoard'.

They won't want to tangle with us again, that's for sure!!!

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzzz!!!!!!