Tuesday September 29th 2026 "Friends, are YOU 'under pressure' at the moment? Well, join the club haha!!!!"

Yes, Friends, are YOU feeling QUOTE UNQUOTE 'under pressure' at the moment. I think everybody in the country has got that feeling today! 

And as I watch people going past my window - neighbours and suchlike (!), they seem to look their normal selves, but as usual, our wonderful Press, led as always by the absolutely fantastic Onion News (!),  has the ability to get under our skins and tell us what we're really feeling and thinking about, unconsciously perhaps, which is brilliant!!!

Yes, take today's Onion News - please (!!!!), which is full of the real passions and stresses that you and I are experiencing today, so don't worry - it's all going on record for the historians of the future, whoever they may be !!!!

[Get on with it! - Ed]

Just feast your eyes on these "doozies"  from this morning's print edition, if you need proof !!!

And it's all a bit mad, but these stories actually bring a rare sob of sympathy to my wife Lois and me, here in the green, semi-paradise of Liphook, Hampshire this morning - no question about that !!!!

my wife Lois and me - a recent picture

Yes, I know what you're thinking! Lois and I DO look a bit "footloose and fancy free" in that picture (see above), but underneath the smiles, there's an extraordinary amount of pressure bubbling away, unseen - and Onion News's local "pressure department staff", who have their fingers well and truly on the pulse, have already been in the phone to us about that, would you believe! 

Be sure to pick up YOUR copy tomorrow if you want further details!

In the meantime, here's a quick digest of the pressures Lois and I are under currently! Number one, we're facing a U3A "meltdown", with meetings, during the next few days, of BOTH the local "Intermediate Danish for Old Codgers" group, which we run "for our sins" (!), AND the local "Intermediate Latin for Old Codgers" group, of which we're already prominent members, even though we've only recently joined it, which is mad!!!!

(left) Yours Truly, showcasing my well-thumbed copy of Gyldendals Danish-English 

dictionary, and (right) the 2 weighty Latin tomes that Lois and I are struggling

to read for local man Joe's "Intermediate Latin for Old Codgers" group,

of which we're both the newest, and the most prominent members "for our sins" !!!!

[That doesn't sound like a lot of pressure to me, Colin! - Ed]

Well, if you're not yet convinced, add to the above some additional pressures today, which have been "bubbling" below the surface and have, today, suddenly become too enormous and earth-shaking to ignore, to put it mildly! Lawns have to be mown, vegetable beds have to be weeded, and meals have to be cooked - it's absolute mayhem, I tell you!!!

yet another busy day for us, with lawns to be mown, vegetable beds to be weeded,

and both lunch and dinner to be prepared, served, and eaten - busy busy busy!!!!

No wonder our neighbours have dubbed us "possibly Liphook's busiest-looking retired couple", and we're earning that unofficial, but immensely gratifying, title "in spades" today, no doubt about that!

[Signed statements please, Colin, countersigned by witnesses! - Ed]

Also, to make matters worse, Lois has got her annual "hearing aid" check-up today, for starters, at Liphook Eye Care, a local business which has "branched out" into Ear Care, as a "sideline". I want to suggest to them a new name for the business - Liphook Eye (and Ear) Care, which I think is absolutely brilliant, but Lois has told me that, on balance, it isn't as snappy as the existing name, so best not mention it to them, and also, it doesn't have the somewhat misleading "I Care" subtext (!), which is a pity!

Lois and me this morning at Liphook's flagship optician's Liphook Eye Care (above)

sandwiched between the stylish local "chippie" and the Top Chef Chinese takeaway:

with (below, bottom left) Lois making a follow-up appointment at Reception, whilst (right)

Yours Truly waits, phone in hand, to check our "availability". What madness!!!

They've fitted Lois with some new 'buds', she tells me after her "session", which sounds exciting! And they've also renewed her 'ear-wax protection', but she's got to put some olive oil in her ears twice a day for a week: this is to dissolve some of the existing wax before they "recalibrate" them next week.

They've also installed some sort of "app" in the hearing-aids, so that Lois can listen to music without it sounding "tinny", controlling the settings on her phone, would you believe!!

a typical "music app" that you can add to your hearing-aid to fight

the so-called "tinniness" effect - but what madness!!!

What a crazy world we live in! They've got so-called "apps" for everything these days! 

I myself have inherited my dear late mother's famous "long-distance hearing". She could hear a pin drop in Djakarta, she used to say - something of an exaggeration perhaps (?). But it means that I'm fortunately okay in the hearing department. However, I do suffer from what I call "slow brain function", especially when young people (or what I call 'young codgers (!)), are "mumbling", or talking too fast on TV, so I definitely need those subtitles, no question about that!!!!

I probably need just need  to find some relevant ''app" on my phone, maybe? 

But what will they be putting apps in next? People already have them in their so-called "smart" fridges, to tell them when they're running out of eggs, say, or "marge", even.

But there's another thing - Lois has to charge her hearing-aids up every night, of course, and, for comfort, she has to take them off every time we get into bed, both at night, and in the afternoons for "statutory nap-time", so there's quite a bit of shouting going on - and hence all the noises that our neighbours have been complaining about, which is annoying!

At least Lois's current hearing aids are much more 'petite' than her big old ones, and they're practically invisible, as you can see from these photos below. They're so petite now that I can't always tell if she's got them in or not - and, as a result, I sometimes find myself shouting inappropriately, when I could probably get away with my usual 'mumbling', which is a pity!

(left) some of Lois's early, relatively large, hearing aids, and (right) her current 'petite'

ones, here shown being charged up on her bedside table - what madness, isn't it!!!

Almost everything, literally, has to be "charged up" these days. It's just the modern world, though, isn't it!

Whatever next! They'll soon be routinely "unplugging" complete old codgers like Lois and me, and putting us "on charge" overnight, before too long. Mark my words!!!

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzzz!!!!

Monday September 28th 2026 "Clothes - always a worry! Are YOU certain you're dressed appropriately for the day's duties?"

Yes Friends, just take a look in the mirror! Are you dressed in the right 'togs' for what you've got to do today? Clothes are a real nuisance, aren't they - they cause us trouble when they need a wash, or have had a wash, and they even cause us trouble when they're nice, even, which is mad!!!!

One thing's for certain - you can't keep CLOTHES - whether nasty or nice, out of the headlines, as you'll see from today's Onion News. Just turn to page 94  for Colin's pick of today's "doozies" on the clothing front !!!!

It's all madness when it comes down to it, isn't it! However, the stories bring an eery wink to the eye of me and my wife Lois today, here in semi-attractive Liphook, Hampshire, as we take our near-daily walk over the 'hallowed turf' of local Hampshire Premier League soccer heroes Liphook United - no question about that!

my wife Lois and me today, taking our near daily walk over the

'hallowed turf' of Hampshire Premier League giants, Liphook United

Certainly, much of the clothing that Lois and I have selected to wear for our walk today, has already been dubbed by our neighbours as "nothing to write home about", but there are few local residents to silently mock us as we proceed on our way this morning, so that's a comfort!

Lois always looks presentable, and she's got two separate sections in her wardrobe, one clearly labelled 'nice clothes' and the other 'casual clothes'. However, as for Yours Truly, well, I've got the self-same 2 sections in my wardrobe, but my labelling is poor, and in any case, all my clothes look decidedly 'casual', sadly, and even to call them 'casual' is actually a massive compliment! My mistake is that, on the rare occasions when I buy a new clothing item, I tend to 'wear it to death', so that it quickly looks just like all the clothes in my so-called 'casual' section, which is annoying!

examples of typical wardrobes - (left) organised, and (right) "messy" (!)

The worst thing, is that I feel I'm letting my family down, being distantly related to two of Hollywood's sharpest dressers, Richard Harris (Harry Potter's Dumbledore), and Rex Harrison (Professor Higgins in "My Fair Lady"), no less!!!

And if you're reading this blog, please please don't tell either Richard or Rex about my sloppy appearance - it will mortify them !!!

[I think you'll find they've both been 'pushing up the daisies' for several decades now, Colin. Just saying! - Ed]

Help is at hand, however, after Steve, my American brother-in-law, a couple of days ago sent me details of an article in the Guardian about the 1000-year-old Bayeux Tapestry, currently on display in the British Museum, on temporary loan from the French Government. 

Lois and I fondly remember seeing the tapestry ourselves, in France, during our 1996 holiday over there.

flashback to 1996: us in Normandy, on our first holiday without our increasingly

independent two teenage daughters, both now for the first time 'doing their own thing' (!)

The 230-feet long tapestry famously depicts the conquest of England by William the Conqueror, Duke of Normandy, but also has some helpful hints, along the way, about how to dress (and perhaps more importantly) how not to dress (!).

The above pictures show the English royalty at the time of the 11th century Norman invasion, with (left) Anglo-Saxon king, Edward the Confessor, and (right) Edward's chosen successor, Harold Godwinson. 

Note Edward's impressive crown, and what the article calls "the nifty stitching on his shins", and his fashionable bench, which was looking stylishly lion-headed and lion-footed. Harold (above, right), not to be outdone, is carrying a hawk - 'the medieval equivalent of a Birkin or a Rolex', as the article says, and he's also mounted on a real stallion, the equivalent of a Tesla or a Range Rover today, with a 'swanky saddle' that has the air of 'today's leather, heated seats' (!). 

Nice!

In this second pair of figures from the tapestry, both French this time, we have (left) Count Guy of Ponthieu, who was responsible for arresting Harold during an earlier visit to Normandy, and (right) Duke William of Normandy, who led the successful invasion of England in 1066, winning the Battle of Hastings, and becoming King of England after Harold's death at the battle.

Note not just Count Guy's impressive-looking axe, but also his 'pretty tunic and stripy tights' and his 'two-tone garters' - nice (again)! Could that be my own new look, perhaps? I wonder if they've got something like those tights and garters in British Home Stores (BHS), maybe?

[BHS went out of business years ago, several yeats after you last graced their menswear department, Colin! - Ed]

The Guardian article, however, suggests that the depiction of Guy in the tapestry was probably designed to make him look overly 'fancy' and perhaps even 'effeminate' - and I couldn't help noticing the somewhat camp-ish, limp hand placed on his hip. So perhaps not!

By contrast, Duke William of Normandy (above, right) is obviously meant by the tapestry-designers to be super-impressive. Note the unusual ribbons on his gold-bordered cloak, his double gold belt and spurs: all a sign that this was one continental Duke who was clearly going places, to put it mildly!!!

But wait, there's more - just look at these additional pictures from the tapestry: (1) Bishop Odo, Duke William's half-brother, who sponsored the tapestry in the first place, and (2) a surprise late entry in the tapestry, mysterious Englishwoman Aelfgyva [Who she? - Ed].

Bishop Odo on the black horse in the picture on the left (above) is pictured as particularly heroic, the article says, 'galloping onto the battlefield to rally the troops', accoutred in 'really fancy armour', looking strikingly different from all the other Normans.

Also he has the horse with the biggest genitals (ringed) - this is 'manspreading the medieval way', according to the article - but what madness !!! No wonder the Normans won the battle !!!!!

Also, above right, we see the depiction of mysterious Englishwoman Aelfgyva, who must presumably have been some sort of 'player' in the Norman invasion, although nobody knows for sure who she was. It's interesting that, in the tapestry, her cheek is being patted or pinched by a priest. And, in a couple of insets along the bottom hem of the tapestry, we see a naked man, possibly the priest, so perhaps Aelfgyva, figured in some long-forgotten sex scandal, experts believe.

But what a crazy world they live in, back in those far-off times!!!!

20:00 Well, Lois and I may not be as well-dressed as those Normans and Anglo-Saxons of old, but at least tonight we can show that at least we've got the odd nugget of knowledge in our 'noddles', which is some mild compensation!!!

Yes, you've guessed it! It's Monday night, and it's quiz night on BBC2, including our favourite TV quiz, Only Connect, which tests lateral thinking, which is nice!

 

(left) presenter Victoria Coren-Mitchell, and (right) tonight's two teams

Lois and I always like to pit our own wits against the teams, and we've particularly on form tonight, getting several answers to question that stump all 6 contestants, which is nice!

Here are a few examples - see how many of these 'doozies' YOU can answer!!!

First what would be a fourth element in this puzzling 'sequence'?

This stumped both teams, but Lois and I realised that there's potentially a sequence of missing pairs of vowels here: 'AE-rate', 'EI-derdown', 'IO-dine' - so, for the fourth element in the sequence we want something that you can stick the vowels 'OU' in front of, to form a proper word - try it and see!!!

Simples!!!!

How about this one?

Simples (again) because these are obviously cryptic crossword clues for "No", "Pain", "No", so what we need for the fourth element in the sequence is a cryptic crossword clue for "Gain". Make up your own one here haha! But once again, both teams are stumped by this one, while Lois and I keep yelling at them through the screen, to absolutely no avail !!!!

Finally, can YOU spot the connection between these 4 apparently unrelated clues?

Of course, these are the first part of the names of 4 top UK and/or Australian TV soap operas: Brookside, Eastenders, Coronation Street and Neighbours. "Too easy!" you'd think, but it stumps the team, while Lois and I can show we're still "at the top of our game", that's for sure!!!

Here's a final one:

Shame on you, teams, not knowing your way around Australian Prime Ministers - what madness, isn't it!!!! Once more, Lois and I know better, to put it mildly!!!!

But what a crazy world we live in !!!!!

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed, 'clever clogs' (!) - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzz!!!!!

Sunday September 27th 2026 "Are YOU 'going places'? If you aren't, well you'd better find YOUR 'get-up-and-go' and go, not forgetting to get up first haha !!!!"

Yes, Friends, are you 'going places' or are you merely 'stuck in the mud'? Well, you'd better find your 'get-up-and-go' pretty quick, as you long as you get the order right, and 'get up' first, before you 'go', take my advice - that's Colin's "tip of the day" !!!!

[Great 'Colin's tip of the day' today, Colin, if I may say so! - Ed] [Thanks! - Colin]

Certainly today is a day for moving about - no question about that! Just look at today's press, with Onion News leading the pack, as always. Just look at their travel-staff "doozies", from page 94 alone!!

Yes, today it's travel madness, all right! 

And these stories (and more!) bring a quick, if only fleeting, and rather vapid, smile to the faces of me and my wife Lois, as we sit in her church's Sunday Morning Meeting this morning, here in Petersfield, Hampshire, a few miles from our home in semi-rural Liphook, that's for sure!

(left) my wife Lois and me, sitting in a village hall near nearby Petersfield, Hampshire,

waiting for the Sunday Morning Meeting to begin, as (right) other church-members

filter in, and the big screen lights up with this week's online participants (!)

Truth be told, Lois and I can't help feeling a teeny bit jealous of all these people zooming about the world today, while, by contrast, we ourselves are strictly limited to the joys of Liphook and the other 'fleshpots' of East Hampshire, semi-attractive though they undoubtedly are !!!!

First and foremost amongst these people 'going places' are my niece Lucy and new Anglo-American wife Rosanna who finally got away to Europe this week, travelling from London's St Pancras station, on their Euro-rail honeymoon, with first photos now at last coming through from Brussels and Vienna.

(left) London's St Pancras Station, and (right) the train route from London to Vienna

via Brussels that the happy  couple [inset] have taken this week

And they're eating the most peculiar things, to judge from some of the pictures, but then, let's face it, that's what European holidays are all about, isn't it!!!! In the first picture (see below) it looks like Rosanna has an enormous bread-crumb-coated hat, or maybe breadcrumb-coated tea-cosy on her plate, while Lucy just has a slice of lemon, would you believe!

I hope that's not a symbol of what their married life is going to be like! 

Share and share alike, girls! That's the motto that's kept mine and Lois's marriage going these last 54 years!!! And that's Colin's today's "supertip" for a successful marriage - just saying !!!!

my niece Lucy and new wife Rosanna in Brussels and Vienna, on their Eurorail

honeymoon this week, eating and drinking the 'most craziest' [sic] things - but that's Europe!!!!!

They're both over in Europe, having a jolly good time, hopefully, to judge from their pictures(!), 

But meanwhile poor Lois and I are stuck here in Liphook - poor us!!!!

Even our daughter Sarah, who lives in Perth, Australia with husband Francis and their 13-year-old twins Lily and Jessica have been "out and about" today, with a 2-hour drive to the so-called "Pinnacles", followed (naturally!) by a 2-hour drive home to Perth, as Lois and I find out in our weekly Sunday catch-up whatsapp call with them this lunchtime - 234 miles in total, and on a Sunday too !!!! 

At least they've all got a day off tomorrow, for the King's Birthday. But even so, what madness, isn't it !!!!!

our weekly Sunday "catch-up" call with our daughter Sarah, who lives in Perth, Australia

with husband Francis and their 13-year-old twins Lily and Jessica

They whole family is really tired after their 4-hour total drive time plus all the "larking about" on the so-called Pinnacles, near the mysterious Hangover Bay coastal feature (!). Plus, don't forget it may be 1:30pm in Liphook, but it's already 8:30 pm in Perth, would you believe, and they're all probably heading for an early bed! 

But what a crazy planet we live on !!!!

what mine and Lois's little "Australian family" have been doing today - driving 117 miles

up the coast to the so-called "Pinnacles" or "Pinnacles Desert" near the 

mysteriously named "Hangover Bay" - what a crazy way to spend a Sunday !!!!!

But "What's that all about, Colin?", I hear you cry!

Well, to answer any questions you may have, "Hangover Bay" actually isn't a reference to any so-called 'towering cliffs' - it really is a place where people went when they'd been over-celebrating, and had had rather too much to drink, which is weird! 

The native Yued People, however, call the bay "Ngoorndiny Wirn Ngoorbar", which means "resting spirit day", and sounds charming, but it's undoubtedly also a lot less "snappy", as a name, so fair enough - the native name evidently got quickly dumped by the busy Aussies, who haven't got time for all that kind of 'malarkey', no surprise there!

What madness!!!! [That's enough madness for today! - Ed]

But what about "The Pinnacles" or "The Pinnacles Desert" - what's that all about, Colin?" I hear you still plaintively pleading (!) - believe me, I can just sense it !!!!!

14:00 Lois and I, meanwhile, are definitely "not on the move" today, other than, just, this afternoon, going on our normal 10-second trip "up the stairs to Bedfordshire", as people used to say!  Even in bed, however, we can't get away from even more "travel news", coming in on our phones!

No peace for the wicked!!!!

even in bed this afternoon, Lois and I can't get away from 

even more crazy "travel news" - what madness!!!!

Yes, in bed this afternoon, Lois gets a message on her phone from Margaret, one of her "chair-yoga" friends, whose grandson Philip has been sending his first pictures from the faraway Falkland Islands, where he's recently been posted by the RAF, which is mad!

At least Philip has been getting to know some of the 'natives' - mainly ones of the winged variety (!), to judge from his latest 'snaps' (!).

one of Lois's "chair yoga" friends' grandson, Philip, just posted to the Falklands

by the RAF, getting to know some of the natives, who seem to be having a meeting!!!!

Awwwww !!!! Look at those penguins, standing about chatting during one of their so-called "meetings" - so sweet! Awwww (again) !!!!

Aren't birds weird! And you only have to look at the so-called "shoebill stork", if you want proof!!

the so-called "shoebill stork" - is this the world's weirdest bird?

Your views welcome - postcards only haha!!!

Perhaps the weirdest thing about birds is that they're the only remaining living relic of the dinosaur age, having survived all their dinosaur relations simply by having some "extra-fuzzy" feathers, which sounds crazy. And as a theory it's a bit "fuzzy" in its own way, to put it mildly(!), as Lois and I have been finding out from Lois's copy of "The Week" magazine, which "plopped" through our letter-box this week.

The magazine summarises the big stories of the past week, from home and abroad, and here's an extract from the journal's popular "What the Scientists Are Saying" column.

Lois's copy of "The Week" magazine with the latest theory about 

whybirds were the only survivors of the Dinosaur Age

16:00 It's four o'clock and Lois and I have to somehow struggle out of bed, not having travelled anywhere much this afternoon, other than here and there in our little 6ft x 5ft "space", which is at least cosy, even if any majestic "views" are somewhat strictly limited !!!!

We're not, however, tempted to follow the example of ageing model Jerry Hall (70) who likes her empty bed, now that she's divorced from long-term "squeeze", singer Mick Jagger. Though devastated at first, friends say, Hall has now "bounced back", elated that she can now lie diagonally across their former bed, for example, according to "The Week", which is heart-warming!

18:00 This evening, however, Lois and I can at least travel in time, if not in space (!), because we've got tickets to see the latest film imagining of Jane Austen's early 19th century novel "Sense and Sensibility" at Liphook's "Living Room Cinema", just an easy half a mile away (!), which is nice! 

Liphook's iconic "Living Room Cinema"

And today's "crazy bird" theme continues, because we're going to see the film not on our own, but with our other daughter Alison, who's  currently suffering from "empty nest syndrome", now that her two eldest "fledgelings", Josie (20) and Rosalind (18) have both gone off to college this weekend for the autumn term (!),

Although luckily Alison will still have son Isaac (16) and husband Edward (51) still "chirping away in the nest" (!), and needing "feeding" three times a day, so that'll be some consolation to her!!!! Poor Alison !!!!!

Lois and me, with daughter Alison this evening, in our seats waiting for the film to begin,

me with a gin-and-tonic, bought in the bar by Alison for her poor old dad (!)

I'm feeling a bit nervous, to put it mildly, because it's fair to say that the audience is very "female-heavy",  as becomes obvious right from the moment when we first step into the cinema's bar from Liphook's "mean streets". It's a bit of a toxic cocktail (no pun intended!!!):- a huge mob of crazed Jane Austen fans in the proximity of seemingly unlimited supplies of "booze". 

However, I stick close to Lois, and none of the women tries to pick me up, so that's all good!

[You don't say! - Ed]

me (extreme right), intimidated by being in an environment at the same time 

"female-heavy", and, additionally, with access to seemingly unlimited supplies of "booze", 

seen here in the cinema's bar, with my wife Alison and our elder daughter Alison, 

before going through to our seats to see "Sense and Sensibility"

And I'm okay during the film too, because luckily Lois has given me a "briefing" in bed this afternoon, with a synopsis and a short summary of the main characters, so I find I can more or less keep up with the plot, although as usual I sometimes mix up the main characters, which is a pity (!). 

It turns out that the story is all about 2 sisters, Elinor (who's sensible) and Marianne (who's sensuous - geddit?)  and about their adventures on the tortuous path to finding true love, I can exclusively reveal, so that's all good!

It's visually stunning as a film, we all agree, although Lois and Alison, both big Austen fans to put it mildly, are critical of some of the bits in the film that are "not in the book" - like the imported failed attempt to stage a duel, and, more generally, the speed with which the 2-hour film attempts to cover the bumper 400-page events from the original novel (!).

So it's a partial "thumbs up" for the film, from at least one pair of Austen-lovers, which is nice (!).

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzz!!!!