Tuesday April 14th 2026 "Have YOU ever been 'demoted' at work? Well, if so, I think, congratulations are in order!!!"

Yes, Friends, have YOU ever been 'demoted' at work? Not many of us have, have we, but there's one local man who can claim that honour, and 'in spades' (!), according to this morning's Onion News for East Hampshire, to put it mildly! 

"Kudos, King!!!" is what my wife Lois and I say, as we recall his story later this morning, here in semi-leafy Liphook, Hampshire! 

And King's story brings a semi-ironic smile to our faces as we find ourselves sitting in the town's iconic Millennium Centre at around 10:30 am, waiting for a local guy called Paul to address us and a bunch of other old codgers, all members of the town's local U3A group, "Intermediate Local History for Local Old Codgers".

my wife Lois and me this morning, looking smug, because, by arriving early,

we've secured premier seats for ourselves, to listen to a talk on local history, which is nice!

Yes, by an extraordinary coincidence, Lois and I are waiting in the hall's iconic "Canada Room", eager to hear all the gory details (!) about a woman who replicated local CEO King's "fall from grace", but in the opposite direction, would you believe! Unlike King's now-famous "riches to rags" saga, the story we hear today is a real "rags to riches" epic, and one of gigantic proportions!

And the 'titillating title' (say 10 times quickly!) of local man Paul's talk today says it all - "Emma Hamilton - England's Mistress".

the scene this morning in the local Millennium Hall's iconic Canada Room,

as a bunch of 'old codgers' gather to hear local man Ken (seated in front, in pink cardigan)

give a talk on local history on "Emma Hamilton - England's Mistress"

Emma Hamilton, as you probably know, is the name of a poor blacksmith's daughter, born in 1765 in the little coal-mining town of Ness in Cheshire, who clawed her way up "the greasy pole" to become the most painted woman in England, hobnobbing (and more!) with famous historical figures like Admiral Lord Nelson, the Prince of Wales and other luminaries, if you please!

And a century of so later, writer George Bernard Shaw admitted that Emma's story had been a major inspiration for his play 'Pygmalion', later the film 'My Fair Lady' starring Julie Andrews.

Admiral Lord Nelson, hero of the Battle of Trafalgar, with one 

of his love-letters to Emma Hamilton, sent from his ship HMS Victory;

for this protrait, Emma was give a cute dog to hold, to disguise 

the fact that she was pregnant - what madness !!!!!

But what an unpromising beginning Emma had had to her life! 

In total contrast to her later glittering adult life, Emma, as a child in the Cheshire coal-mining town Ness, had been brought up in a two-room hovel with an earth floor and grimy windows. As a very young girl of 11 or so, and with no education, however, she managed to get a job as a maid for the local doctor, and after a year or so, when the doctor moved to London, he invited young Emma to go with him to the capital, as his "housekeeper". 

By the age of 13 or so, Emma gave up being maid, however, and became a prostitute at a series of London taverns and theatres, which was less work than being a maid, to put it mildly! And although strictly a prostitute, in order to please her various employers, her main function, it seems, was to encourage male customers to drink.

Lois comments that getting the men "dead drunk" would have been a good way also to minimise occurrences of actual intercourse, with its attendant risks of pregnancy and/or disease. So, Kudos, Emma - way to go!

 a typical 18th century tavern prostitute - their top priority,

however, was to encourage male customers to drink

In those far-off times it's reckoned that there were more than 50,000 prostitutes in London, mostly under 18 years of age, and representing about one in eight of all the women in the capital. And prostitution wasn't illegal in those crazy, far-off times. There were even handy guidebooks available: one such was Harris's List, which was a catalogue of women of pleasure in the Covent Garden district, with customer reviews, updated annually.  

What madness, wasn't it (again) !

Amongst all these prostitutes, however, Emma must have been unusually appealing. 

She was even 'headhunted' by fashionable quack fertility doctor James Graham. Graham used to loan infertile couples the use of a 12' x 9' ft so-called "celestial bed", also hiring attractive women, such as Emma, to cavort, supposedly as 'naked goddesses', around the couple, as they tried to conceive - what madness (again) !!!!

Graham had earlier travelled to Philadelphia to study electricity under Benjamin Franklin's collaborator Ebenezer Kinnersley.

noted 18th century fertility 'doctor' and sexologist, James Graham,

and his 'celestial bed': Emma was hired by Graham to cavort naked

around the bed, as one of his team of 'goddesses' in a bid to 

to boost infertile couples' chances of conception - what madness !!!!

What utter utter utter madness!!!!

Emma's really big break came, however, when she become known to leading portrait painters. Joshua Reynolds, for example, wanted to paint her in 1778, when she was still only 13. And later, George Romney painted her as 'Miranda from the Tempest'. 

And, incredibly, over the next 15 years Emma ended up becoming the most painted woman in England.

early portraits of Emma by (left) Joshua Reynolds and (right) George Romney

By now, Emma was on an unstoppable trajectory upwards, first getting a position at high-class brothel "Madame Kelly',", and then starting to meet, and to charm, powerful and influential male customers, taking lessons in languages, culture and politics, so that she could converse with them on equal terms.

This was where, for a Liphook audience, Emma's "local connections" begin to come to light. 

First, she became the mistress of the MP for Portsmouth, Harry Featherstonhaugh (crazy name, crazy guy!) - and his name is pronounced "Fanshaw" by the way, in case you were wondering (!) - what madness!!! 

Emma became the mistress of Harry Featherstonhaugh, MP for Portsmouth,

and took up residence at nearby Uppark, West Sussex

Featherstonhaugh lived at nearby local stately home Uppark, West Sussex, but, after Emma became pregnant, he "passed her on" to his friend Charles Greville, who had the young child fostered, and who, then, later passed Emma on again, to his uncle Sir William Hamilton, who became British Ambassador to the Kingdom of Naples.

Finally, Emma had managed to get properly married, at least, and she became Lady Hamilton, hosting innumerable swanky dinner parties for her husband at the British Embassy in Naples, also making use of her considerable linguistic skills, which was nice!

Sir William Hamilton, British Ambassador to Naples, 

seen here with his wife Emma

Emma's career as a mistress wasn't completely over, however, because it was in Naples that Emma met Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson, Commander of the British Fleet in the Med, when he checked in at the Embassy, and Emma became his mistress, with her husband's tacit approval, and the rest is, well, history!

This is also where the particular connection with our little town of Liphook comes in, because Nelson and Emma, on journeys from London to Naval HQ at Portsmouth, often stayed overnight at Liphook's most prestigious inn, the Royal Anchor, on the Portsmouth road.

the Royal Anchor inn as it looks today - it's been described

as a big big inn in a small, small town (!)

Fascinating stuff, though, isn't it!

[That's enough history! - Ed]

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzz!!!!!

Monday April 13th 2026 "Are YOU type-cast as an idiot at YOUR workplace? There's an easy solution!"

Yes, Friends, are YOU type-cast as an idiot by YOUR co-workers? Most of us aren't we!

But the good news is that there's an easy solution, stumbled upon by local buffoon 

And "Kudos, Bedford!!!" is what my wife Lois and I say, reading about Bedford's brave attempt to "think outside the box" in the print edition of this morning's Onion News for East Hampshire, here in rural, semi-corrugated Liphook, to put it mildly!

me and my wife Lois - a recent picture

And we'll be sure to say "Cheers!" if we happen to catch Bedford grabbing a beer with his office friends, at Sherry's Bar or wherever, that's for sure!!!!

Beer is very much on mine and Lois's mind this morning, as we drop into our new home town Liphook's iconic Heritage Centre to talk to the ageing local history volunteer researchers who work there, in particular Prin, who's responded to Lois's request to look into the history of the housing estate, which has been our new home for the last 15 months.

flashback to last month: Lois filling out a request for Heritage Centre volunteers

to do some research for us on the history of our housing estate here in Liphook,

where we bought our current home, back in January 2025

Our housing estate, The Maltings, together with its neighbour, Maltings Meadows, have names that celebrate the long history of our area with beer-making, and, as two fully-paid up "history buffs", Lois and I are keen to find out more about it, to put it mildly!

It turns out that the two modern housing estates were built on land belonging to two centuries-old farms, Maltings Farms and Collyer Farm. The farms are long gone, but the original two farmhouses are still standing, and probably constitute the oldest two buildings in the town, going back up to 600 years, maybe more, would you believe! 

(left) Maltings Farmhouse and (right) Collyer Farmhouse: 

the centuries-old farms are gone, but the old farmhouses still stand

Nearby prestigious Winchester College school, alma mater to such luminaries as poets John Keats and Matthew Arnold, as well as recent UK Prime Minister Rishi Sunak, like all schiools and colleges in those days, had an unsatiable need for beer supplies for its student bodies. The school bought up the Maltings Farm in 1471, and leased it to a succession of tenants, who had to send the school a precise number of bushels of wheat and malt every month to satisfy the college's beer-hungry students. 

What madness it all was, wasn't it!!!!

three famous alumni of nearby Winchester College, which got its beer

supplies from malt and wheat grown under our mine and Lois's house, would you believe:

poets John Keats and Matthew Arnold and former UK Prime Minister Rishi Sunak

And it's great fun for Lois and me this morning to sit in the Liphook Heritage Centre and look at the history of all the tenants of Malthouse Farm over the years, including one, Mary, a widow, who, in 1830, the records say, "had a licence to alienate" (!). So, a woman for the other townsfolk to avoid perhaps? Although the experts at the centre explain that "a licence to alienate" simply meant the freedom to sub-let in those crazy far-off days.

What madness (again) !!!!

12:00 Armed with our notes, Lois and I drive home for a hurried lunch and then up to bed for a much-curtailed "statutory nap-time", before we're back at the Millennium Centre again, for the AGM of our local U3A Association for Local Old Codgers, where Local History Group leader Barry Watson is due to give a talk on "Liphook - a Domesday Village 1086"

Yes, our little town of Liphook was officially completely owned by William the Conqueror, no less, when the Domesday Book, William's great survey of England, all its manors, farmers and peasants was finished, incredibly, in only 6 months. And Barry points out, to laughter, that today's UK administrators could maybe learn a thing or two about "getting things done in a reasonable time". 

Good point, Barry haha!

The population of England in those far-off times, is reckoned as having been about 1.1 million, 95% rural, with land ownership overwhelmingly in Norman hands: of the thousand or so "lords-of-the-manor" listed, only 13 were English. Of the farmers listed in the Domesday Book, 80% were peasants or bonded villeins as they were called, 10% were free men or 'churls', and a further 10% were officially 'slaves' - slavery was not abolished until 1102, some 16 years later.

Times were hard: life expectancy was 35 for men and 25 for women. And taxes were heavy - 60% compared to the current average, today, of 37%. Not only that, but when you died all your possessions went to the lord of your manor, which seems "churlish" - no pun intended!!!!

[That's enough history! - Ed]

What a crazy world they lived in, back in those far-off days!!!!!

[And that's enough madness! - Ed]

21:00 Lois and I chill out this evening with an interesting TV documentary study of octogenarian author and Harry Potter actress, Miriam Margolyes, whom Lois and I once almost sat next to on a cross-channel train about 25 years ago, and who went to the same school in Oxford as our old friend Jen and (much later) my dear younger sister, Jill. 

Miriam's big "thing" is that she's funny, and, at the same time, while looking like everybody's sweet old granny, she's always totally honest and down-to-earth about everything - it would be unheard of for her to refer to any bodily functions or body-parts by any euphemisms, to put it mildly! 

Miriam's other "thing" is her insatiable curiosity about other people, their lives, and what makes them tick. Unlike most British people, if faced with a choice of public seats or benches to sit down on, Miriam will always choose the bench that's already got somebody sitting on it, so she can chat to them, and get to know them. 

She also cherishes all the people she's ever known in her long life - she never "drops" old friends when they get a bit "green about the gills", which is refreshing! In this sequence, while travelling in Australia, accompanied by film-maker Simon Draper, Miriam drops into a care-home where one of her old schoolfriends is bedbound, and also suffering with memory problems.

Simon, who's filming, for this programme, some of Miriam's typical day-to-day adventures, asks her who she's hoping to be seeing today.

And Simon follows Miriam into the room in the care home, when she pays her old schoolfriend Joyce a surprise visit.

Simon asks Joyce what Miriam was like at school, not scholastically, but behaviour-wise, but Joyce just says, "We'd better not talk about that" - oh dear !!!!

And it turns out that Joyce, despite suffering from severe memory loss these days, remembers clearly all the old schoolfriends whose names Miriam mentions to her, which is nice.

"Yes, Miriam's just dropped in to cheer you up, Joyce!", interjects film-maker Simon at this point!

Still, that's old age for you, in a nutshell, isn't it - who's died and who hasn't haha!!!!

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzzz!!!!!!

Sunday April 12th 2026 "Have YOU ever been stuck under a pile of vegetables?"

Yes, Friends, have YOU ever found yourself stuck under a pile of vegetables? It happens to us all at one time or other in our lives, doesn't it! And it's fear of the next such incident, maybe waiting in the wings, that haunts a lot of people, even if they have otherwise seemingly successful careers!!!

Even Prime Ministers are not exempt from that almost universal, primordial danger, would you believe, according to this morning's Onion News - see page 94 !!!!

Poor Zoran!!!!

Piles, not just of vegetables, but of non-food items, are certainly an increasingly unavoidable danger, aren't they! 

And reading about Zoran's plight today brings a bemused smile to the faces of me and my wife Lois, as we sit waiting for the Sunday Morning Meeting to start, here at Lois's church in semi-tree-covered Petersfield, Hampshire, no doubt about that, to put it mildly!!!

(right) my wife Lois and me, waiting for the Sunday Morning Meeting to begin,

at a village hall somewhere near Petersfield, Hampshire this morning, to put it mildly!

"But why the smiles from you and Lois, Colin?", I hear you cry!!!

Well, you see, we're very conscious of the fact that, as we sit here waiting for the meeting to start, just 15 miles away, our daughter Alison, and husband Edward, are starting the day trying to shift some massive piles of firewood in the huge 6.5 acre grounds of their decaying Victorian Mansion. 

"Rather them than us!", is what Lois and I say, in chorus !!!

The more they move the pile of firewood around their grounds, it seems to get bigger with every move, which is mad! They post some terrifying pictures on social media (see above!!!), and later, they tell us all the nightmare details in person this afternoon, when they drop round to see us, and to accept, gratefully a sit-down and a cup of tea in mine and Lois's humble abode, here in nearby semi-rural Liphook, Hampshire, to put it mildly!!!!

(above) our daughter Alison, with husband Edward, drop in to see Lois and me

this afternoon, after a punishing day trying to clear a large pile of firewood

in the grounds of their decaying Victorian mansion in nearby Headley, Hampshire

What madness!!!!

But what can you do?!!! Anarchic, piles of this and that, self-reproducing and getting totally out of hand, are just one of the least-discussed 'forces of nature' in our  crazy world, aren't they, that's for sure, trying to thwart us poor humans in everything we try to do, which is totally mad!!!

Another 'force of nature', and one that isn't often highlighted, is the havoc that can be wrought by vicious gangs of crows, would you believe! 

During mine and Lois's weekly 'catch-up zoom call' with our other daughter Sarah, 9000 miles away in Perth Australia, reveals that a bunch of crows have been 'making mincemeat' of the family's new lawn, laid over several months by Sarah's husband Francis. 

(left) Lois and me talking on  zoom today to our daughter Sarah in Perth, Australia,

and to her delightful 12-year-old twin daughters Lily and Jessica (right)

Sarah says that these tough neighbour crows have been descending on husband Francis's newly laid turf and making lots of holes in it, trying to get to, and eat (!) if you please (!!!), some of their favourite insects. Over the last few days Sarah and Francis have been taking turns to be "on watch" to scare the crows off whenever necessary.

Francis says the gang has even posted a 'lookout' on one of their garden trees, to sound a warning whenever either he or Sarah emerges from the house. And this 'lookout crow' knows the car that Francis drives, and Sarah says he sounds the alarm even when Francis is a hundred feet away speeding up along their street.

flashback to last August: a whatsapp video call with our daughter Sarah,

and twin daughters Lily and Jessica, with (right) a shot of poor husband

Francis starting to lay a new lawn at their home north of Perth, Australia

Poor Francis !!!!

But what a crazy world we live in !!!!!

At least we don't live on the moon, is what Lois and I say! 

And we're not alone, apparently, as we find out this evening when we watch last night's edition of the Jonathan Ross Show, which focuses on the flight this week of the Atlantis mission to the other side of the moon.

When the subject comes up of the Atlantis moon mission, Ross points out the results of a survey of British reactions to the flight, in which half of those surveyed said they would turn down any offer to let them travel to the moon.

And Ross's comments are scathing about us Brits, and rightly so! 

"Have you ever seen a more British reaction that that! The chance to explore the most distant places humans have dared to journey to, and half of us have gone, 'No you're all right, I'll just go out and sit in the garden, thank you!". 

And the reasons given by respondents to the survey? 

Well, twenty three percent of Brits were just 'not interested' - and didn't even give a reason: just a quick "No, not for me!". Three percent even said that it would be too claustrophobic. This is the same nation, Ross comments, that's prepared to fly on a packed Ryanair jet to the Med, would you believe!

Six per cent said they didn't want to go to the moon, 'because there's nothing to do there'. So they're basically holding off until somebody builds a Moon Wetherspoons, Ross says, and then maybe they'll go. 

What a crazy country we live in !!!!!

[That's enough madness! - Ed]

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzz!!!!!