Friday April 4th 2025 "Want a nice garden but don't want the brawling women who seem to go with it? - haha?!"

Is your garden a bit TOO nice? It's certainly nice to have a nice garden, but you don't want one SO nice that your female neighbours keep fighting each other to take selfies in it, that's for sure!

Yes, you've guessed the context, I'm sure. And what happened yesterday at Winchester's Sir Harold Hillier Botanical Gardens - those shocking scenes gave us all a bit of "food for thought", didn't they.

What a crazy world we live in !!!!! And my thanks, as always, to those hard-working "journos" at Onion News Local for bringing us all that story. You see, my medium-to-long-suffering wife Lois and I want a nice garden but without the posing, posturing, brawling local women that seem to go with it, thank you very much! Also, we're getting second thoughts about our initial idea of opening up a gift shop - it's a lot of 'fag' and 'faffing about', isn't it (!). 

Thoughts?

Anyway, that's basically why we picked on local Guildford (Surrey) gardener Mitchell, with his shiny-new van (see below), to start getting our garden into shape. We only moved into this house in quiet, leafy, semi-rural Liphook 3 months ago, and we reckon it's time to "cut the back garden jungle down to size" - no doubt about that - but without making it too nice.

So all in all, Mitchell seemed to be the perfect choice - only kidding Mitchell haha !!!! 

Mitchell's shiny new van

It's Mitchell's first visit to us this morning - arriving at the unearthly hour of 8 am, like all the "tradies" do in these parts. What madness, isn't it !!!!

a classic case of a "tradie" (right) disappointing a woman (left) with his 

"ED" issues (early door-bell-dysfunction syndrome)

But give Mitchell his due, he works really hard, and pretty much non-stop for 5 hours. He cuts down the ivy that's threatening to break the party wall we share with our neighbours around the corner, and then cuts down that stuff that begins with the letter B, budleia that's right (!), the shrub that's threatening to bring down our other party garden wall, the one we share with delightful neighbours Olly and Sarah. And finally, Mitchell manages to clear some ground where Lois can plant her herb garden, which will save us a bit of cash, to put it mildly!

And another plus point - Mitchell takes all the "jungle cuttings" away with him for free in his van (see picture of van above), because apparently he's a secret composter. What's not to like haha ?!!!!!

"before and after" - (left) Lois showing Mitchell the "ivy jungle"

that's threatening our good relations with our neighbours around the corner,

and (right) Lois showcasing the results after Mitchell has finished his remedial work

(left) some shrub with pink flowers on - I forget the name -

and (right) Lois showcasing the bed that Mitchell' has cleared 

for Lois's putative 'herb garden': nice!!!!

13:00 When Mitchell goes, however, Lois and I feel completely shattered: another early start, followed by watching Mitchell work for 5 hours - punishing or what?!!! Another afternoon in bed cures all that, and, after we finally struggle downstairs, we prove that our brains are still in good shape when we do some of our own punishing -  "punishing the puzzle pages", as we call it, in the new Radio Times.

Done yours yet haha!!!! Or is your brain completely "shot" at your 'advanced' age haha!

By coincidence later today, Steve, our American brother-in-law sent us this article bringing us up to date with the latest 'science' about ageing, or "aging", as our American cousins call i(!). (See https://www.realsimple.com/age-brain-declines-study-11706222 for full details!)

It turns out that the key stages in your brain's deterioration, or its 'metabolic destabilisation', to give it the proper technical term (!), are:

(1) 43.7 years

(2) 66.7 years

(3) 89. 7 years of age

And looking back through our photo albums, that certainly seems to be true for Yours Truly, and in spades! 

                           1989....                                        2012....                                          2036......

(left) me at 43, still at an age to manage a faint smile (!), at

Chedworth Roman Villa, Gloucestershire, and (centre)

me at 66, showing obvious signs of metabolic something-or-other

being blatantly ignored by some patently uncomfortable students

outside my old alma mater, Sheffield University, and

(right) me at age 89, in 2035, a scientist's impression only !!!!!!

Yikes !!!!!

But why not take a trip down memory lane and choose your own iconic snapshots at those crucial stages of your own metabolic deterioration (!).

I guarantee to publish the best of your 'pics' in my blog, and there's a £5 voucher for Greggs Bakeries to sweeten your triumph. Remember Greggs' doughnuts are only £3.45 apiece, so plenty of 'dosh' to spare, from your prize voucher for a small-size tasteless 'tea' in a plastic cup. Happy days !!!!

Plus, if only order one lonesome doughnut at Greggs, you're guaranteed not to be "food-shamed" by staff, which is a nice bonus prize in its own right, when you think about it (!!!!).

What a crazy world we live in !!!!!

And just to prove that there's life in mine and Lois's brains yet, here are the results from our Radio Times puzzles today - including another 9 out of 10 on the Eggheads again, would you believe!

See how many of these "doozies" YOU know !!!!!!

Fascinating stuff, isn't it !!!!!

21:00 We go to bed on the first programme in a new series of the news comedy quiz, Have I Got News For You on BBC1 tonight.

Quite a funny show tonight, we think - funniest we've seen for a while, but hard to capture the mayhem in a few screen-shots, which is a pity.

There's much talk tonight about the trade tariffs introduced by Donald Trump, and before the debate gets going, panellist Steph McGovern feels she has to declare a personal interest.

The teams are asked who is getting hurt the most by Trump administration's new tariffs, and their answer seems to be that the EU, for one, is certainly going to be hit, at 20%. "They really hate Europe", and yes, "they hate us too", but we only got 10%. Why so? Steph has the answer....

And fun fact - Trump's tariffs even cover the little Heard and McDonald Islands, which are halfway between Australia and Antarctica.

And can YOU guess the missing words in this newspaper headline from the last week?

Yes, police apparently raided a pensioner couple's house after the police helicopter's thermal imagery cameras led them to believe that the couple had special equipment for growing cannabis.

Poor pensioner couple !!!!!

There's also a segment about Chancellor Rachel Reeves' latest freebie, tickets to a Carpenter Concert:

Fascinating stuff, isn't it.

But what a crazy world we live in !!!!!

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzzz!!!!!

Thursday April 3rd 2025 "Is it YOUR dream to build your own house to your own specifications? Well, it isn't mine, but then that's me!!!"

Is it your dream to build your own house? It's a dream that's well worth waiting to achieve, you'll find - even if it takes you 28 years - like area man Don Reese,who first conceived the concept of his house as a child at Junior School, and had to wait that sort of length of time before he could finish building it and then step through the front door. 

But what an achievement, finally !!!

Wow, a laser-guided trap door system! There can't be a man alive who doesn't secretly envy Reese's laser-guided trap-door. Let [Reese's long-term nemesis] Dougie Wendell try that for size and see how he likes it !!! Revenge is a dish best served cold, as people say, to put it mildly!!!

Laser beams are funny things. You can see the beam sometimes but you can't feel it if you try to touch it, so maybe best not to try? Would it give you an electric shock? Thoughts????

My medium-to-long-suffering wife Lois and I decide not to try touching the laser beam in our house this morning, when local hi-tech handyman Russell starts monkeying about with a laser in our living-room, using its thin pink beam as a 'virtual spirit-level' when hanging pictures about 7 inches too low for me (!), but at just the right height for Lois (!).

local hi-tech handyman Russell sets up a laser-generator-thingummy 

from floor to ceiling, before hanging and hangs pictures in our living-room 

on the thingummy-generated pink beam, which acts as a "virtual picture rail"

What a crazy world we live in !!!!!

For me and Lois, however, the best thing out of the, like, billion jobs Russell does for us this morning, is to put some glass-panelled doors across the yawning gap between our sitting-room and the entrance hall, which will make it much easier for Lois and me to "get cosy" on the sofa in the evenings.

(left) local hi-tech handyman Russell fixing with his

laser-generator-thingummy to the ceiling, and (right) me showcasing

the shiny-new double doors Russell puts on between our living-room

and the entrance hall, spelling doom to, like, a billion draughts

that come in and make mine and Lois's feet feel cold in the evenings

"Draughts begone!", shout Lois and I, in unison, when Russell finally goes at 1 pm, after 5 hours of doing, like, a billion little jobs for us.

You do the maths! If Russell leaves at 1pm after 5 hours of work, that means - yes, he rang our doorbell this morning at the unearthly hour of 8 am, and Lois and I had to be ready for him: another early start for us, and we've got another early start tomorrow (Friday) when local gardener Mitchell arrives to sort out garden out. What is it with these "tradies", as the Australians call them, and these 8-o'clock starts? It's all utter utter utter madness, isn't it!

a classic case of a "tradie" (right) disappointing woman (left) with his 

"ED" problem (early door-bell-dysfunction) syndrome

[All right, we get the idea! - Ed]

And when Russell finally goes, and Lois and I get the chance to have a bit of lunch, we feel we've got no option then except to spend another afternoon in bed - well, wouldn't you if you had the chance? Be honest!!!!

[You lazy bastards! - Ed]

20:00 It all seems worth it this evening, however, when we can "bed down" on the couch tonight for our 8pm "dose of Portillo", and feel really warm and snug on the couch with our shiny-new double doors shutting out the draughts, leaving us with 'toasty' feet, which is nice, to put it mildly!

Tonight Michael is continuing his train journey through Brittany and Normandy, stopping first at Bayeux to view the almost 1000-year-old Bayeux Tapestry. 

The famous 230 ft tapestry, completed in around 1077,  depicts William Duke of Normandy's long years of waiting for the English throne, the throne which had been promised to him in around 1051 by Anglo-Saxon king Edward the Confessor, the tapestry's story ending with William's triumphant invasion of England in 1066. 

For some reason, Lois and I hadn't picked up on the fact that this 230 ft tapestry is missing its final few feet. Historians believed that when the tapestry was eventually rolled up and forgotten about, its last few feet were exposed to the elements and had to be thrown out or, maybe, used as somebody's bit of carpet perhaps? Historians conjecture that the final few feet depicted William actually sitting on the English throne.

What madness !!!!!

After Bayeux, and the story of William's invasion of England in 1066, Michael visits some of the Normandy beaches, where, in 1944, the Allies began their invasion of the Continent, ending with the defeat of Nazi Germany in the spring of 1945.

The irony of this is enshrined in the Bayeux Memorial, dedicated to the more than 1800 allied soldiers who died early in the campaign, but who have no known grave. It commemorates the fact that those Anglo-Saxons and their Anglosphere cousins and descendants and all their good friends from around the world, had nearly 900 years later, finally set free the Conqueror's own native land.

Fascinating stuff, isn't it!

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzz !!!!!