Friday October 9th 2026 "Lakes are just lovely, aren't they! Have you dipped any of YOUR toes in one, recently?"

Yes, Friends, find a local lake today, and dip one of your toes in it - it doesn't matter which lake, or which toe, although, speaking personally, I like everything "writ large", and hence tend to favour my big toe, whenever a lake "hoves into view" - that's just the way I am, and I make no apology for that!

One thing's for sure - you can't keep lakes out of the headlines! See the joyously overflowing Lakes Supplement (no pun intended!!!) in today's Onion News, if you remain unconvinced!!!!

Heart-warming stories, all three! And 'warm the heart' that's very much what lakes tend to do, especially in summer, with their lovely limpid waters washing gently over a quiet sandy inlet! 

[Nice verbal picture there, Colin! - Ed].

[Thanks! - Colin]

And these headlines (and all the 29 other lake stories in today's Supplement, would you believe!) certainly bring an eerie gleam to the eyes of me and my wife Lois this morning, here in semi-idyllic Liphook, Hampshire - no question about that!

my wife Lois and me - a recent picture taken near a local lake (background, extreme right)

Certainly, lakes are very much on both our minds today, having heard the astonishing claim that Loch Ness, the UK's most voluminous lake, could, if necessary, fit the whole of the world's population in it 14 times over, would you believe!

What madness!!! But is it true? Who knows, one day the world might need to try it out for real, although heaven forbid! Yours Truly has never learnt to swim, for example, so I would have my reservations - the loch is on average 400 feet deep, we hear today, which is totally mad!

The Loch Ness 'bombshell' is the final story in today's edition of the BBC Radio 4 series, "More of Less", the series which, every Friday, tests the validity of the many fallacious statistics that are "floating around", when it comes to the subject of lakes (again, no pun intended!!!), and also to many other non-lake areas of life, which is nice!

Fortunately, one of the world's leading experts in "crowd science", Dr Keith Still, is on hand, during the programme, to test out the theory behind the astonishing Loch Ness claim, which is nice! Lois and I had privately expressed scepticism about the idea, believing it to be possibly a ruse by the Scottish Tourist Board to bump up the tourist figures, so we're all agog this afternoon, to put it mildly !!!

extract from the monstertheloch.com website

During this afternoon's programme, Dr. Still calculates that an average person has a volume of about 100 litres, while Loch Ness holds about 7,500 trillion litres, so on paper the plan to "flood" (!) the loch with all the world's people could work, potentially, given that the population of the planet is "currently" (!) only about 8 billion. However, to fully test the theory these people would all need to be liquidised first, because, if kept un-liquidised, people don't come in a standard shape and notoriously "bumpy" with lots of bulges - both unsightly and "sightly" (!) - according to Still's research, so fair enough!

(left) the position of Loch Ness in the UK, and (right) an artist's impression of

the scenes we may see if the decision is made to liquidise the world's population

of 8 billion and try to fit them into the waters of the loch

Yes, it seems like a crazy plan, doesn't it - but it might just work, maybe?  And Lois and I are very much hoping that, in the event of an emergency, Loch Ness is the chosen lake to hold everybody - Lake Baikal in Siberia is much bigger, we hear this afternoon, and could hold the world's population 40,000 times over, while the Caspian Sea is bigger still, holding 3 times as many people as Lake Baikal, would you believe. 

What a crazy world we live in !!!!!

However, Loch Ness is much nearer, only about 600 miles from Liphook, so would be far more convenient than the much-touted Lake Baikal option, if I'm honest!

I wonder.....!

It's all a bit crazy, isn't it, but it's been a bit of a crazy day for Lois and me too, with an afternoon appointment for Lois at local opticians Liphook Eye Care starting at 2pm, where a member of the shop's "hearing staff" is set to clear Lois's ears of any build-up of ear-wax, ahead of a test to calibrate her hearing-aids next week, so all critical stuff!

crazy scenes this afternoon at Liphook Eye Care, where Lois has a 2 pm appointment

for the clearing of any build-up of ear wax, prior to a hearing test next week

The timing of the appointment - 2 pm - is unfortunate because Lois and I are normally in bed at this hour, for "statutory nap-time", but luckily the ear-wax malarkey at Liphook Eye Care turns out to be a quickie job, and we're back home and in bed by half past two, so plenty of napping time still to be had (!), which is nice!

Plus, because she takes her hearing-aids out before getting into bed,  I can fully test out Lois's "unaided" hearing during our statutory 2 hour "session", and it seems much improved, I can exclusively reveal, so that's all good!

(left) some of Lois's early, relatively large, hearing aids, and (right) her current 'petite'

ones, here shown being charged up on our bedside table - what madness, isn't it!!!

21:30 Just to be on the safe side, however, we ensure that 'subtitles for the hard-of-hearing' are definitely switched on for our evening's viewing. This is a feature Lois and I both appreciate, due to the fact that people today will insist on "mumbling".

us watching TV - a recent picture

Either that, or, crazily, people on TV don't sensibly "up their volume" and never take the trouble to shout, even during passages of intrusively loud background music, which seems an odd decision to these two  'Lip-hookers', at least, as local residents have been dubbed (!).

Tonight we decide to go to bed on a smile, so tune in to this week's episode of Lee Mack's sitcom "Not Going Out".

An amusing episode. It's Lee's birthday, and his long-suffering partner Lucy decides to surprise Lee with a video message from his comedy hero Nigel Planer of 1980's sitcom "The Young Ones", a service offered by the Cameo website. The snag is that Lee assumes, from the video message, that Nigel actually wants to get to know him, which, for Lee, is a tantalising idea, but it all goes wrong when Lee accosts Nigel in a restaurant, introduces himself, and tries to take their "relationship" further - bad idea, Lee, because, of course, Nigel is totally mystified, of course !!!!

Lucy should have listened to her mum, who was dubious about the plan from the very beginning, suggesting to Lucy that she'd do better to go for the "sexy underwear" option to please Lee on his birthday. Here's Lucy sitting at a restaurant table, talking on the phone to her mum just before the "big event" (!).

Oops! Naughty Lucy's-mum-and-dad haha !!!!

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzzzz!!!!!

Thursday October 8th 2026 "Are YOU spending Hallowe'en in China? It's perfect, if you don't like Hallowe'en haha!!!"

Yes, Friends, are YOU thinking of spending Hallowe'en in China? If you aren't a big fan of Halloween "shenanigans", it may be the perfect place to be, because they don't even 'do it' in China, which will come as a relief to some!!!!! And searching the UK press this morning, and their iconic "China supplements", you certainly won't find a Hallowe'en story to shake a stick at, even, which makes a pleasant change!!!!

Here's Colin's selection of today's China "doozies" - reference Onion News's popular 'China Today' news column on page 94 of the print edition, if you're short of time and just want a quick 'overview' !!!!

And there you have it!!!!

Strangely, however, today's somewhat 'routine' flood of Chinese news brings a hint of a smug smile to the faces of me and my wife Lois this morning, here in semi-rapacious Liphook, Hampshire - no question about that!!!

me and my wife Lois - a recent picture

And the reason for our apparent 'smugness' is a visit from our daughter Alison, who drops round to see her "aged parients" [sic!] with news of her family's doings, including her 16-year-old son Isaac's forthcoming visit to China with a group of classmates from his school here in Liphook - all of them studying Chinese for A-Level - the cheeky young scamps!!!!

for Lois and me, a visit from our daughter Alison brings us a touch of

excitement with news of our 16-year-old grandson's forthcoming visit

to China, with schoolmates all studying Mandarin Chinese for A-Level - the scamps!!!!

Isaac's group is flying to places Lois and I are not sure we've ever heard of - flying from London to Xiamen, where they'll be doing some educational tours, visiting the city, the university, the 'Nanputuo Temple' (?), and even the beach - although that presumably is a bit chilly this time of year, surely !!!!

our 16-year-old grandson Isaac [inset] and his forthcoming school trip

to Xiamen, China with his Mandarin student classmates - the young scamp!

Then the group will be travelling on to Gulangyu (?), reliving its history, and visiting the Botanical Gardens, rain-forest and science-and-technology museum, and that kind of "malarkey" (!), before meeting some primary school kids, with whom they hope to chat informally, in Intermediate Chinese. Then on to Guangzhou (?), which is also a real place, Alison tells us, where the group will even be attending school lessons, would you believe!

What madness!!!!

To be frank, it's all a bit of a shock to Lois and me this morning,  - and it's not even Isaac's first trip to China: he went there with his school group in 2024, so he's becoming a real "old China hand", as they used to call it!

flashback to 2024: Isaac's first ever visit to China, with schoolmates: (left) Isaac [inset]

also to be seen bottom-right, half out of shot, on the school bus-ride to

London's Heathrow Airport, and (right) the group arriving at their destination in China

Imagine !!!! And a real shock to Lois and me today, because when we first brought Alison home from Cheltenham's St Pauls Maternity Hospital back in 1975, we never imagined that one day she'd be in her fifties and have a 16-year-old son visiting China.

What a crazy world we live in !!!!

(left) flashback to 1975: our first ever picture of our daughter Alison, now 51,

and (right) little Alison in the arms of my dear late mother Hannah (Nan),

so obviously delighted to be cuddling her first ever grandchild

And that picture of my dear late mother Hannah ("Nan") holding little Alison (see above, right) reminds us that today would have been her 107th birthday. Below is her first ever picture, at the age of 3 months, in the arms of her mother Gladys, in Bridgend, Glamorgan, a picture taken by one of the town's photographers.

Weirdly, in my Facebook feed today, there's also, somewhat randomly, a picture of the town's "County Cinema" taken in 1919, from the 'Old Bridgend' website, which I follow.

(left) first ever picture of my dear late mother Nan, 3 months old,

in the arms of her mother Gladys, at their home in Bridgend, Glamorgan,

and (right) a picture of the town's "County Cinema" which appears, 

somewhat randomly in my Facebook feed today

What a very long time ago, it seems now - 1919 !!!

And today, Friday, is altogether a weird day for Lois and me. It's our first day out of the house for a week, would you believe, after Lois put her back out last Thursday night. Since then I've been helping her move around the house, and also getting my hands on anything she wants to get hold of, if it's a a bit 'out of the way' - either too high up or too low down, basically, if you know what I mean !!!!

[Good summary, Colin! - Ed]

Yes, Lois today is almost completely back to normal, I can happily, and exclusively, reveal, and after a week indoors, we celebrate this morning with a quick trip out to the local Co-op for some much-needed essentials, which is nice!

What madness (again) !!!!

19:30 These days, if you want a quick joint of beef, say, you can just go along to the Co-op (other mini-supermarkets are also available !!!!), and pick a joint up, from the meat aisle - not rocket science is it !!!!

It wasn't so easy in the olden days, however, as we hear, through the magic of the Internet, from a lecture about the old-time "drovers" from Scotland and Wales, who used to drive sometimes hundreds of cattle through English towns, to satisfy the English people's insatiable desire for beef - what a madness it all was (again again) !!!!

us this evening, watching a lecture on the internet about the Scottish and Welsh 'drovers'

who used to drive hundreds of cattle through English towns to satisfy

the English people's crazy, insatiable desire for beef - what madness!

[That's enough madness! - Ed]

You wouldn't think it to look at me, but, at the grand old age of 80, I'm a bit of a technical 'whizz', and have learnt how to project pictures from our laptop onto our TV screen, so we can see them better, which is nice! In the pictures above, you can see our laptop on our little bureau, and, if you look carefully, you'll see also a little cord that connects the laptop to our TV, and "Bob's Your Uncle!" - why don't YOU try it, it's so "simples" haha !!!!!

Lois, "for her sins", is a member of the Banbury Historical Society - she's an Oxfordshire lass born and bred, and her dear dad Dennis was a scion of the north Oxfordshire town of Banbury - you know, the town in the nursery rhyme "Ride A Cock Horse, to Banbury Cross", a phrase which rhymes in the Oxfordshire dialect, weirdly, would you believe!!! 

(left) map showing the location of Banbury, Oxfordshire, in the very north of

the county, and (right) the town's Historical Society display in a local field,

enthusiastically trying to attract new members - but what madness!!!

The society has this lecture on tonight, in a hall in Banbury, all about the old cattle-drovers,  by local history "buff" - Tim Healey, but obviously Lois would rather not travel there, and, that's why we find ourselves tonight 'tuning into it' via the Internet, which is handy!

"Droving Cattle" - slide of the famous 1565 picture by Pieter Breughel the Elder, 

with (right, inset) history buff Tim Healey as he shows the slide during his lecture tonight,

in a hall in Banbury to members of the town's Historical Society

And what we hear is a most fascinating talk, about all the cattle-droving that went on for centuries through English towns and along country lanes, until the phenomenon started to be killed off by the coming of the railways, with their big cattle trucks, back in the 19th century. It nevertheless continued, in smaller numbers: here's Tim Healey's slide of cattle being driven along the Abingdon Road, Oxford as late as the 1950's.

For markets and butchers in the south of England, the cattle mostly came from Wales, with drovers covering, on average, 12 miles a day, and making a horrible noise, with hundreds of cattle mooing and their drovers shouting - shouting mostly in Welsh because few Welsh drovers could speak English in those crazy far-off times, which was mad!

this English ale-house barmaid wants a ride from a passing "Welchman",

but the sad reality was, few Welsh drovers could speak English, which was mad!

There was a constant threat of attack by cattle-rustlers, even into the 19th century, and drovers, uniquely, were allowed to carry guns - flintlock pistols. And they were paid not in banknotes but in promissory notes from the bank, thus frustrating any rustlers or highwaymen, who just wanted a 'quick win', thinking to just 'take the money and run'.

highway robbery: the threat to cattle-drovers from robbers and rustlers -

uniquely drovers were permitted legally to carry guns in England

The drovers' routes across the countryside weren't always the most direct, but were designed to minimise passage through the tollgates which sprang up after turnpike trusts were set up after 1706, in an effort to raise money to improve the quality of the roads.

The drovers took a string of dogs along to help control the cattle - mostly lurchers but also corgis, which came as a surprise to Lois and me. And when the drovers had got their cattle to the markets in the South and East of England, they just let their lurchers go, and the dogs surprisingly had no trouble finding their own way back to their homes in Wales - without satnavs or any of the modern "gizmos", which was totally crazy!

the dogs most favoured by the drovers were their lurchers, and their lurchers

had no trouble finding their own way back to their homes in Wales, even without satnavs!

And even today, there are still clues in place-names, and in the landscape, which reveal the routes that the drovers took: the names of paths over the hilltops, plus roads in some towns called "Welsh Way", plus pub-names, and road-names and house-names incorporating "Drift" or "Drove", or "Coldharbour", which indicated a route sheltered from the cold. Also merely the town-names such as "Wallingford" in Oxfordshire, which means the place where the Welshmen forded the river. And if you see any clumps of Scots pine-trees, these were often planted by the drovers as way-markers. 

Also, many a "Green Lane" was so called because of the extra vegetation brought about by all the dung from the cattle that went along it.

What madness, wasn't it !!!!

tell-tale signs that drovers had once passed this way: house-names and street-names

incorporating "Drove" or "Drift" or starting "Coldharbour", even clumps of Scots pines (!)

Fascinating stuff, though, isn't it!!!

[If you say so! - Ed]

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzz!!!!!

Wednesday October 7th 2026 "Have YOU got a pet? Or are you thinking of getting one? Either way, your heart will be in your mouth this morning!!!"

Yes, Friends, have YOU got a pet, or are you thinking of getting one? Or do you already own quite the 'menagerie', maybe? (!)

One things for sure - pets will always be in the headlines! Open YOUR printed edition of Onion News, if it's "plopped" through YOUR letter-box this morning, that is!

And that last story is particularly heart-rending, because, as you probably know, the landlord at the city zoo has a strict "no pets" policy, which is a pity! Senior zookeeper Alison Weepie has more...

Poor Allison!!!! No wonder she's been thrown into a bit of a panic!

However, that 'pets' story, and the thousand others in today's paper, bring a tearful smile of recognition to the faces of the normally impassive Yours Truly and the woman I call "Mrs Yours Truly". Yes, step forward, my own dear wife Lois, and take a quick bow for the folks!!!

me and my wife Lois, a.k.a. "Mrs Yours Truly" - a recent picture

And we're smiling because, tomorrow, we'll be getting a visit from our daughter Alison, after she's dropped her mischievous  young dog Bjørn off at his new canine "youth club", just over the county line, in Haslemere, Surrey.

Bjørn, who currently spends most of his evenings at home alone on a plumped-up mattress, has difficulties forming friendships with other young  dogs, apparently, and the club offers the chance for young-to-youngish dogs to meet other like-minded dogs of their own age, in a controlled, "safe" environment. 

(left) a typical scene at the local Haslemere "Canine Youth Club", and (right)

a typical evening for our daughter's dog, Bjørn, alone in front of the "telly",

watching re-runs of  the likes of "Lassie" and "Blue Peter", I'm guessing (!)

Sadly, there are no table-tennis facilities at the club, unfortunately, like you get at human youth clubs, which is a pity, but there'll probably be a "water bar", Alison thinks, where Bjørn will be able to bark informally, or to "slurp", with other single or unattached canines, for friendship,or maybe more (?).

I promise to let you know how that develops, so watch this space!

It'll be good tomorrow to chat with our daughter Alison, in any case, because there's a lot going on in her family right now, to put mildly! 

Husband Edward, who's on the board of one of the UK's many railway companies, has been up in Birmingham this week attending fringe events at the 2026 Conservative Party Conference, and hoping to catch the eye of yet another Alison - and this time it's Alison Griffiths, MP for Bognor Regis and Littlehampton, who's Shadow Parliamentary Under-Secretary for Transport, if you please!

(left) Edward, our railway company board-member and son-in-law, with our daughter Alison, 

and (right) the other Alison in Edward's life (!) - Alison Griffiths, Conservative MP

and Shadow Under-Secretary for Transport, seen here talking to constituents

What madness, isn't 'it !!!!

And that's not all that's going on in Alison's family this week, would you believe! While Alison and Edward's eldest offspring Josie (20) is starting the 2nd year of her maths degree course at Durham, middle offspring Rosalind (18) is starting the 1st year of her International Politics degree course at London's UCL. 

Rosalind is also taking a "minor" in Danish, which sounds like a mad choice, but then the family did spend 7 years in Copenhagen 2012-2018, so "Fair enough!" - that's what Lois and I say!!!!!

flashback to a couple of weeks ago: (above) our granddaughter Josie settling into

her all-girl flat-share at Durham, and (below) our son-in-law Edward settling 

our granddaughter Rosalind [inset] into her room at UCL, London

Rosalind tells us today that she's already had 2 Danish lessons with her female Danish native teacher, who is very nice and friendly apparently, and enthusiastic, although so far the class has just been covering things like introducing yourself, although that's a good place to start, Lois and I feel! However, Rosalind stresses how useful it is to have somebody to tell you exactly how to pronounce Danish words, and correcting you when necessary. 

Famously, to speak Danish correctly is to sound like you've got a potato in your mouth, so Rosalind is going to need all the help she can get, and all the potatoes she can get, to put it mildly!

Meanwhile, Alison and Edward's third offspring Isaac (16) who is studying for a Mandarin Chinese A-Level, is currently preparing for his Mandarin group's second study-visit to China, coming up in about 10 days' time, the young scamp!!!!

flashback to 2024: Isaac's first ever visit to China, with schoolmates: (left) Isaac [inset]

also to be seen bottom-right, half out of shot, on the school bus-ride to

London's Heathrow Airport, and (right) the group arriving at their destination in China

What madness !!!! Busy busy busy !!!!!

For Lois and me, however, it'll also be a welcome distraction tomorrow to hear more about our daughter's family and their latest doings, all seemingly travelling hither and thither, and getting up to all kinds of mischief, the young rascals !!!!

And it'll be a nice distraction, because, you see, poor Lois put her back out one crazy night last week, but she's now progressing, and on her way back to general fitness, which is good news! 

This week, I've set Lois up with a "recuperation corner" - her own comfy IKEA "Bingsta" armchair right in front of the "telly", with not one but two side-tables, plus one larger "front-table", with the capacity to accommodate, not just Lois, but all her "stuff", including reference works, pills, tissues, her Cotton Traders winterwear catalogue, a selection of pictorial notelets, her book of crosswords, coasters for two cups of tea, her mobile - you name it, she's got it there, and within handy reach, which is nice!!!

(left) the little "recuperation corner" which I set up for poor Lois this week: her own "Bingsta" 

armchair with, like, a billion little side-tables a round her to carry all her "stuff" - pills, tissues,

catalogues, phone, cups of tea etc - you name it - and (right) Lois sitting there today,

pictured sending a quick text to a friend, which is nice!!!!

Unfortunately we had an unnecessarily early start this morning, because Matthew, our gardener, the son of one of Lois's fellow church-members, had arranged to come over at 9am, i.e. the crack of dawn, or almost (!), to do some work in our tiny garden. However, at 8:30am he rang to cancel, in view of the heavy rain that had set in, which was a poor excuse, but we let him off this time - underneath our impassive exterior, we're actually all heart haha!!!!

(left) this week's weather so far, with heavy rain this morning, and (right)

our gardener Matthew, seen here in happier (and drier!) times, weeding a flower bed

So an early start, but all the more reason to "catch up", with an afternoon in bed, that's what we say, so that's all good!!!

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzzz!!!!!!!