Wednesday October 7th 2026 "Have YOU got a pet? Or are you thinking of getting one? Either way, your heart will be in your mouth this morning!!!"

Yes, Friends, have YOU got a pet, or are you thinking of getting one? Or do you already own quite the 'menagerie', maybe? (!)

One things for sure - pets will always be in the headlines! Open YOUR printed edition of Onion News, if it's "plopped" through YOUR letter-box this morning, that is!

And that last story is particularly heart-rending, because, as you probably know, the landlord at the city zoo has a strict "no pets" policy, which is a pity! Senior zookeeper Alison Weepie has more...

Poor Allison!!!! No wonder she's been thrown into a bit of a panic!

However, that 'pets' story, and the thousand others in today's paper, bring a tearful smile of recognition to the faces of the normally impassive Yours Truly and the woman I call "Mrs Yours Truly". Yes, step forward, my own dear wife Lois, and take a quick bow for the folks!!!

me and my wife Lois, a.k.a. "Mrs Yours Truly" - a recent picture

And we're smiling because, tomorrow, we'll be getting a visit from our daughter Alison, after she's dropped her mischievous  young dog Bjørn off at his new canine "youth club", just over the county line, in Haslemere, Surrey.

Bjørn, who currently spends most of his evenings at home alone on a plumped-up mattress, has difficulties forming friendships with other young  dogs, apparently, and the club offers the chance for young-to-youngish dogs to meet other like-minded dogs of their own age, in a controlled, "safe" environment. 

(left) a typical scene at the local Haslemere "Canine Youth Club", and (right)

a typical evening for our daughter's dog, Bjørn, alone in front of the "telly",

watching re-runs of  the likes of "Lassie" and "Blue Peter", I'm guessing (!)

Sadly, there are no table-tennis facilities at the club, unfortunately, like you get at human youth clubs, which is a pity, but there'll probably be a "water bar", Alison thinks, where Bjørn will be able to bark informally, or to "slurp", with other single or unattached canines, for friendship,or maybe more (?).

I promise to let you know how that develops, so watch this space!

It'll be good tomorrow to chat with our daughter Alison, in any case, because there's a lot going on in her family right now, to put mildly! 

Husband Edward, who's on the board of one of the UK's many railway companies, has been up in Birmingham this week attending fringe events at the 2026 Conservative Party Conference, and hoping to catch the eye of yet another Alison - and this time it's Alison Griffiths, MP for Bognor Regis and Littlehampton, who's Shadow Parliamentary Under-Secretary for Transport, if you please!

(left) Edward, our railway company board-member and son-in-law, with our daughter Alison, 

and (right) the other Alison in Edward's life (!) - Alison Griffiths, Conservative MP

and Shadow Under-Secretary for Transport, seen here talking to constituents

What madness, isn't 'it !!!!

And that's not all that's going on in Alison's family this week, would you believe! While Alison and Edward's eldest offspring Josie (20) is starting the 2nd year of her maths degree course at Durham, middle offspring Rosalind (18) is starting the 1st year of her International Politics degree course at London's UCL. 

Rosalind is also taking a "minor" in Danish, which sounds like a mad choice, but then the family did spend 7 years in Copenhagen 2012-2018, so "Fair enough!" - that's what Lois and I say!!!!!

flashback to a couple of weeks ago: (above) our granddaughter Josie settling into

her all-girl flat-share at Durham, and (below) our son-in-law Edward settling 

our granddaughter Rosalind [inset] into her room at UCL, London

Rosalind tells us today that she's already had 2 Danish lessons with her female Danish native teacher, who is very nice and friendly apparently, and enthusiastic, although so far the class has just been covering things like introducing yourself, although that's a good place to start, Lois and I feel! However, Rosalind stresses how useful it is to have somebody to tell you exactly how to pronounce Danish words, and correcting you when necessary. 

Famously, to speak Danish correctly is to sound like you've got a potato in your mouth, so Rosalind is going to need all the help she can get, and all the potatoes she can get, to put it mildly!

Meanwhile, Alison and Edward's third offspring Isaac (16) who is studying for a Mandarin Chinese A-Level, is currently preparing for his Mandarin group's second study-visit to China, coming up in about 10 days' time, the young scamp!!!!

flashback to 2024: Isaac's first ever visit to China, with schoolmates: (left) Isaac [inset]

also to be seen bottom-right, half out of shot, on the school bus-ride to

London's Heathrow Airport, and (right) the group arriving at their destination in China

What madness !!!! Busy busy busy !!!!!

For Lois and me, however, it'll also be a welcome distraction tomorrow to hear more about our daughter's family and their latest doings, all seemingly travelling hither and thither, and getting up to all kinds of mischief, the young rascals !!!!

And it'll be a nice distraction, because, you see, poor Lois put her back out one crazy night last week, but she's now progressing, and on her way back to general fitness, which is good news! 

This week, I've set Lois up with a "recuperation corner" - her own comfy IKEA "Bingsta" armchair right in front of the "telly", with not one but two side-tables, plus one larger "front-table", with the capacity to accommodate, not just Lois, but all her "stuff", including reference works, pills, tissues, her Cotton Traders winterwear catalogue, a selection of pictorial notelets, her book of crosswords, coasters for two cups of tea, her mobile - you name it, she's got it there, and within handy reach, which is nice!!!

(left) the little "recuperation corner" which I set up for poor Lois this week: her own "Bingsta" 

armchair with, like, a billion little side-tables a round her to carry all her "stuff" - pills, tissues,

catalogues, phone, cups of tea etc - you name it - and (right) Lois sitting there today,

pictured sending a quick text to a friend, which is nice!!!!

Unfortunately we had an unnecessarily early start this morning, because Matthew, our gardener, the son of one of Lois's fellow church-members, had arranged to come over at 9am, i.e. the crack of dawn, or almost (!), to do some work in our tiny garden. However, at 8:30am he rang to cancel, in view of the heavy rain that had set in, which was a poor excuse, but we let him off this time - underneath our impassive exterior, we're actually all heart haha!!!!

(left) this week's weather so far, with heavy rain this morning, and (right)

our gardener Matthew, seen here in happier (and drier!) times, weeding a flower bed

So an early start, but all the more reason to "catch up", with an afternoon in bed, that's what we say, so that's all good!!!

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzzz!!!!!!!

Tuesday October 6th 2026 "Design first, THEN build - and always do it in that order, that's Colin's 'message of the day' !!!!"

Yes, Friends, one thing I've learned in my admittedly ''medium-to-longish" life is: design first, THEN build. If you do it the other way round it's bound to end in tears !!!!!

And "design" - good or bad - is always going to be 'news', isn't it! Take this morning's Onion News, and turn to page 94 in YOUR print edition if you want "chapter and verse", to put it mildly !!!!!

And that third-and-last example is a particularly dire example of a poor design, and thank goodness NASA engineers spoke up in time before, literally, like, billions of dollars was spent on young 6-year-old Bradley's "creation", even if did win the competition in this month's "Beano" comic, if you please (!). 

And this, even though the magazine had promised that the design would be guaranteed the honour of being the centre-point of NASA's next mission, apparently, mad though that may seem!

Six-year-olds Bradley Koenig and best friend Joshua, pictured here

working on their prize-winning spaceship design

Unfortunately, however, veteran NASA flight director Raymond Fletcher had some harsh words to say about the project, when he spoke to reporters at yesterday's press conference, claiming that young Bradley's proposed design was a QUOTE UNQUOTE "deathtrap". 

At last - thank goodness (!) - somebody's bringing a dose of reality to the fantasy-dominated world of space planning, and not before time!!!

However, these Onion stories - and others in the same vein, would you believe (!)  - bring a sardonic smile to the normally passive faces of me and my wife Lois, here in semi-idyllic Liphook, Hampshire this morning - no question about that!!!

my wife Lois and me - a recent picture

Certainly Lois and I are no strangers to the perils of "poor design", that's for sure! And this lunchtime, when the nice young engineer from local heating company HeatOn in nearby Basingstoke calls to give our central heating boiler its annual service, he finds that, for 30 minutes, he can't get the door of our boiler open, even, which is total madness!!!

Lois and I moved into this house back in January 2025, and we've gradually come to realise that our kitchen was designed mainly for its streamlined 'look', rather than its practicality in some instances, and as part of this, our gas central heating boiler had been crammed into a wall cupboard with little space for manoeuvre on either side.

flashback to October 2024: we first look round what was to be our new home,

in the company of our daughter Alison and young estate agent Richard

And this design 'snafu' was purely in the interests of the 'look' of the thing! Another case of 'sleekness' trumping 'practicality', which is sheer lunacy!

(left) the advert put out by our boiler servicing company HeatOn, and (right) my wife

Lois showcasing our boiler, "crazily crammed into a poky cupboard", as Lois puts it!!!

Our engineer from HeatOn, however, is today determined not to be beaten by boiler's design snafu, and, after some frantic calls to head office in Basingstoke, he calmly pulls a step-ladder out of his van, so he can reach more easily and get more "leverage", and eventually he manages to get the boiler door open, so that he can get on with his work, which is a relief!

10:30 It's half past ten, and today (Tuesday) is already turning into another crazy day for Lois and me, to put it mildly! 

And certainly somebody else round here is "determined not to be beaten", just like that young heating engineer from nearby Basingstoke, which is good! Step forward, my wife Lois, no less !!!!

 

Lois is currently suffering with back strain after a crazy night last week, but she's determined to take part, as normal, in her church's monthly online "Sisters Group Meeting" for female members of the meeting this morning. Eventually we decide that she should log on the meeting in our living-room, seated in her iconically super-comfortable IKEA "Bingsta" armchair with the tall back and the handy arm-rests. 

flashback to 2024, when we first purchased out iconic IKEA "Bingsta" armchair,

and Lois and I fought each other to have the pleasure of sitting in it, would you believe !!!

This morning, therefore, I bring the laptop down from our upstairs "home office", and I also give Lois a second side-table as a convenient additional "resource", to store her reference books, pills, tissues, earwax-removers, and also her favourite "Cotton Traders" Catalogue, entitled "Knit's Time to Bundle Up", full of alluring ideas for warm, but stylish, clothing for this coming winter, so she's all set and ready to go, which is nice!!!!

Let's hope that, whatever Lois decides to buy from the catalogue, it's designed well, unlike our central heating boiler (!), and that it's easy to get on and get off in a hurry, preferably without the need for a stepladder, for example, which would be more convenient !!!!

(left) Lois this morning, safely installed in our super-comfortable IKEA "Bingsta"

armchair, with TWO side-tables (!), accommodating all her "stuff", 

including the latest Cotton Traders Catalogue (ringed), and (right)

Yours Truly showcasing the current catalogue full of ideas for winter-wear

Well, we ARE into October now, so it's high time to think about kitting ourselves out for the cold weather to come, which will be even more of a shock than usual after our heatwave-plagued summer, that's for sure!!!!

some of Cotton Traders' latest designs - are YOU tempted by any of these "doozies" ?!!!!

So, suddenly, it's "Winter draws on!", in the words of the old joke!!!

20:00 Yes, all in all, today has been another crazy old day, coping with actual or potential "design faults", both with central heating arrangements and cardigans (!), so Lois and I decide to cap it all off with another crazy evening, listening to more of those crazy words catalogued in BBC Radio 4's "Unspeakable" series, hosted by comedian Phil Wang, and Susie Dent of the Oxford English Dictionary.

Certainly the English language has more than its fair share of "design faults", that's for sure!!!

Yes, English words are quite a problem, aren't they. First there's finding the right word, and then learning how to pronounce them correctly, as Lois and I discovered earlier today from our Facebook feed. 

Even menu choices can be problematic!

Getting the pronunciation right, however is just the first stage. Then, you have to get the spelling right, which is annoying!

In tonight's programme, comedienne Stevie Martin wants to ban EITHER the word  'stationary' (meaning "motionless") OR the word 'stationery' (meaning "pens, writing paper, envelopes etc"). Stevie says she doesn't mind which one of them goes, as long as there's only one of them left, and Lois and I can sympathise with this view!

comedienne Stevie Martin: wants to ban EITHER the word

"stationary" OR the word "stationery"

But how did our language get in this position, with these two words being pronounced the same, but spelt differently and meaning something different? It's just more madness, really, isn't it !!!

Susie Dent of the Oxford English Dictionary explains, however, that both these 2 words come from the Latin word "stationarius" which means 'standing'. Hundreds of years ago, booksellers tended to have a regular 'spot', where they would sell from, in contrast to the more itinerant sellers, who would move around, so booksellers were stationary - they stayed still. Later, however, booksellers started to sell pens, paper etc, but they continued to be called "stationers", and, finally, the language then extended that to 'stationery', for the things that these sellers sold, but giving it a slightly different spelling, to make it more obvious, at least in writing.

Susie Dent of the Oxford English Dictionary,

explains the origin of this notorious spelling 'snafu' in the English language

"Were these the only sellers who stayed in one place, while all the other merchants kept moving around?", objects Susie's co-presenter, Phil Wang, quite logically, Lois and I think,  "...for example, a butcher running round with sausages, carrying his little tables, and setting them up wherever there was a crowd?". 

Well, yes, apparently so, says Susie. Booksellers however, seemingly couldn't be bothered with that sort of "malarkey", but unfortunately in their lack of concern, they left us today with one of our bigger spelling problems to somehow try to cope with.

[That's enough crazy words! - Ed]

Fascinating stuff!

What madness!! And who knew???!!!!

What a crazy language we speak !!!!

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzz!!!!!

Monday October 5th 2026 "Chairs - they can be useful if you want to sit on something, that's for sure!"

Chairs - so useful if you want to sit down, Friends, don't you think! And you might think, also, that we can never have enough of them around, particularly if you're a bit of an "old timer" like Yours Truly - no question about that!

And yet - and yet (!), today's press is full of the so-called Brookings Report, that suggests the opposite, a finding that we can have enough, which is mad! Did you catch today's Onion News with its shock report - see page 94 in your print edition !!!!

What madness!

However, the shock report brings a scornful 'scoff' kind of an expression, today, to the normally placid faces of me and my wife Lois today - that's for sure!!!!

me and my wife Lois - a recent picture

Chairs and seating are very much on our minds today, because Lois is still recuperating from a back strain last Thursday night, which means that Yours Truly is going to be travelling alone to the fortnightly meeting of local retired schoolteacher Joe's U3A "Intermediate Latin for Old Codgers" group, due to take place as usual in Joe's spacious retirement flat, just over the county line, in Haslemere, Surrey. 

Our ten-strong group - 7 women and 3 men (including Joe) - all normally have 'their' chairs or 'their' sofas that they always sit on, but already there's been some sharp exchanges by email over the weekend, because group member Marcia is complaining that her chair is "lumpy" and she wants to swap chairs with somebody else, in order to get a more comfortable 'ride' during today's class. 

What madness, isn't it, and the debate has certainly 'set the cat among the pigeons' [Latin: feles inter columbas], to put it mildly!!!!

the scene at a recent meeting of local retired schoolteacher Joe's

"Intermediate Latin for Old Codgers" group

With Lois being "hors de combat" (i.e. out of action: Latin - "ad pugnandum inhabilis") I had been expecting to have "Colin and Lois's two-seater sofa" all to myself today, but I find myself, instead, having to be "the meat" in an awkward "man-sandwich", squirming hip to hip with Marcia up against my left side, and Brenda on my right, and eventually learning to synchronise our movements to avoid any major incident, which is probably for the best!

I was also worried that, from my position in the middle of this sofa "threesome", I might not be able to get up, to go to the loo, for example, without pressing down on the two women's heads, or shoulders, or other body-parts (!), but luckily I was able to stand up using leg-power alone, which was a wonderful embarrassment-saver, to put it mildly !!!

Apparently, the two women have apparently both had their eyes on what I think of as 'Colin and Lois's sofa' for several months, which makes for an unhelpfully emotionally-charged atmosphere this lunchtime, which is a pity! But somehow today our tight little 'threesome' (!) gets through the group's Latin set-texts, Sallust and Vergil, without any major incidents or serious injuries, screams, or slaps-in-the-face, so that's all good!

(left) Yours Truly showcasing one of the group's set texts, Roman writer

Sallust's "Catiline", and (right) a sample of the text with my "annotations" (!)

Speaking more generally, as a fully paid-up "old codger", retired now for 20 years, I find it weird, anyway, whenever my wife Lois isn't with me - we're normally in each other's "pockets", 24/7, so it feels funny to be on my own sometimes.

So today is a bit of an adventure for me, particularly doing the driving bit without Lois sitting there in the passenger seat, because normally every five minutes, I've got used to saying to her things like, "Anything coming from the left, sweetie?" or "Is this where we turn off?" and such-like. 

However, even though I'm very much having to  'fly solo' today, without Lois sitting there in the passenger-seat on my left, I'm pleased to report that I do the punishing 3-mile drive to Joe's flat without incident, even negotiating the notoriously tricky right-turn at the top of Church Road, which is certainly encouraging!

(above) the punishing 3 mile drive to Joe's retirement flat in Haslemere,

and (below) the dreaded right turn at the top of Church Road, where I'm always 

hoping for a rare gap in the traffic, as I signal to turn right - what madness, isn't it !!!!

[Bully for you, Colin (!) - Ed]

But what a day! 

Meanwhile poor Lois, however, continues to make progress with her back problem, luckily, and, fingers crossed, we're expecting she'll be fully back to normal in a couple of days, so that's all good!

And it's probably doing poor Lois the world of good today not to have to remember her Latin "declensions" and suchlike! However, Lois is a bit taken aback this evening when we turn on the radio to hear this week's programme in the "Unspeakable" series, presented by comedian Phil Wang, and Susie Dent of the Oxford English Dictionary, to put it mildly!

At the start of tonight's programme, whacky presenter Phil Wang actually introduces co-host Susie Dent as "the sultan of slang, the 'dauphin' of declensions", which she likes, saying that the French king who coined the term 'dauphin' (literally: dolphin) for whoever was his nominated successor, had a particular fondness for dolphins. She admitted, however, that she didn't know the implications of this for the popular menu item "dauphinoise potatoes", which appears to mean "dolphin-friendly potatoes".

Phil wonders whether any potatoes could really be "dolphin-unfriendly", but he theorises that you would just shove such potatoes "up your blow-hole", which makes sense to Lois and me!

Susie's "word of the week" this week is 'gelacin': a gelacin, we hear, is one of the dimples either side of your cheek, that accompany a beaming smile.

Gelasins are not to be confused with "the dimples of Venus", Susie stresses, which are "the dimples just above your buttocks", she tells lead presenter Phil Wang, which embarrasses him somewhat, to put it mildly - "I thought you hadn't noticed", he exclaims, somewhat hurt!

Irish broadcaster and comedian Ed Byrne, who's guesting on the show, tells us that his "word of the week" is "tilth" - i.e. soil after you've raked all the lumps out and it's all ready for planting something in. You can see that the verb "to till" is a component in it, he explains, but also the word sounds a bit like the word "filth" - suggesting that it's "soil so good, you want to have sex with it", which makes sense to us! 

Irish broadcaster and comedian Ed Byrne, who says "tilth"

means "soil so good, you want to have sex with it"

Fellow guest comedienne Stevie Martin reveals that her last name derives from the name, Mars, the god of war, while admitting, however, that if she were preparing for combat, as her battle-cry, she'd yell "Help!!!!", and then just 'shank them'. Lois and I don't know what that means, but it sounds terrifying to us, so probably would deter any assailant, which is presumably the point!

comedienne Stevie Martin - don't mess with her, or she'll

give you a good "shanking" - yikes !!!!

Third guest, Ian Smith, who hails from Goole, Yorkshire - "one of world's spookiest-sounding place-names" - says he has a favourite local dialect word from his neck of the woods, a "croggie", which means standing on the back of somebody's bike and getting a free ride. 

boy getting a "claggie", as they say in Yorkshire

It's apparently called a "backie" where Stevie comes from (Cheshire), or a "backer" where Ed comes from - Ireland. And Ian admits that those variations "make more sense than croggie", which is big of him! Susie explains that 'croggie' is derived from 'crossbar', with a familiar suffix like "dog" becoming "doggie", so fair enough, we say !!!!

Yorkshire comedian Ian Smith, who admits to giving into temptation,

and enjoying the occasional "croggie" with one of his intimates

When the guests are challenged to come up with their own made-up word that fills an annoying gap in the English language, Irishman Ed Byrne comes up with 'quaff-cranny'. And this private "neologism" of Ed's would describe any word that used to be in common usage, but which now is only used in very specific contexts.

Ironically, 'quaff-cranny' would itself be made up of two such words: 'to quaff' which used to mean just 'to drink', but now only refers to drinking wine; and 'cranny', which used to refer to any old crevice, is now just used "as a sidekick to a nook", as Byrne says, so that it's only ever heard now in the twosome phrase "nook and cranny", which is mad!

just two of the brave early attempts to explain 

the difference between a nook and a cranny

And whereas you might call a little alcove where you might sit reading, a "book-nook", you wouldn't ever dream of calling a place where your mother's mother sits, a "granny-cranny", Byrne reminds us. 

Smith, on the other hand, complains, justly we feel, about the word "riddance". It's only ever a case of "good riddance", he points out. If you're really missing somebody, can't you just moan, "Oh, this is just such bad riddance!" ?, he says, which is a fair point we think!

[That's enough silly words! - Ed]

Fascinating stuff!!!!

But what a crazy language we speak !!!!!

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzz!!!!!