Tuesday June 9th 2026 "Do YOU get embarrassed by wedding photographers?"

Yes, Friends, do YOU ever get embarrassed by wedding photographers? They can be pretty annoying, can't they! And there's no better example than the story that's "all over" this morning's Onion News - just turn to page 94, and prepare to squirm !!!!!

What madness !!!!!

But the photographer's overfamiliarity is just one of the many annoyances you may have to face if you're so bold as to attend somebody's wedding - usually a friend's or a family member's, if that jogs your memory?!!!!!

Reading the Onion story this morning, however, brings a bit of a smile and a blush to the cheeks of me and my wife Lois, here in semi-crustaceous Liphook, Hampshire - no question about that!!!

my wife Lois and me - a recent picture

To tell the truth, this weekend, when we attend Lois's great-niece Lauren's wedding to beau Iain-with-the-extra-i, the photographer is likely to be the least of our worries, to put it mildly!!!!

Lois has noticed that Yours Truly's only pair of so-called 'dress shoes' is looking distinctly 'scuffed', as she puts it, and likely to bring shame on the family - well, excuse me!!!!!! But she's dead right, of course! Exactly why the shoes are looking 'scuffed' is a complete mystery, because I've only worn them a few times since I bought them in George Lewis's, in Bishop's Cleeve, Gloucestershire a mere 7 years ago.

What madness, isn't it !!!!!

(left) me today, showcasing my pair of so-called 'scuffed' 'dress shoes', and (right)

the iconic George Lewis footwear shop, where I bought the shoes 7 years ago,

 in faraway Bishop's Cleeve, Gloucestershire

Living in a semi-rural part of Hampshire, however, which we moved to in January 2025, means shopping for anything within a reasonable distance is incredibly problematic, and when I google "men's shoe shop near me", it only recommends David's Menswear, just over the county line in nearby Haslemere, Surrey, a shop which I've noticed in passing, and it's absolutely tiny - oh dear!!!!!

The manageress at David's, however, when Lois and I pop in there this morning, is a lovely South African matron - yes, another South African expat serving in a local shop: there are, like, billions of them round here!!! And although she's only got about three pairs of shoes broad enough in my size (10 and a half UK or what they call "45" in these metric-crazy times (!)), and they're not really 'dress shoes', I decide to go with them anyway, because she tells me that "Rock stars wear these to weddings", so fair enough!

I tell the woman that, despite appearances, I'm actually "younger than Mick Jagger", but as she says, that statement applies to most people, which I have to admit is true!!! Good point haha!!!!

(left) David's, a tiny menswear shop in nearby Haslemere, Surrey, and (right)

the shoes that the manageress persuades me to buy - "Rock stars wear them!", she says!!!!

I think about maybe also wearing my "mullet" wig to the wedding, the one that I wore for the Christmas do at Lois's workplace back in the 1990s, but Lois says no, and she's probably right: she's got more of a feel for "appropriateness" than I have, so I decide to give way on this one !!!!!!

flashback to the 1990's: Lois and me dressing up for one of her workplace Christmas do's,

me in my mullet wig, and her in her ra-ra dress, for an 80s-themed evening at a Cheltenham hotel

Happy days!!!!!

And my "mullet and ra-ra couple" idea comes to nothing, anyway, as regards this weekend's wedding. 

I remember eventually, that, after Lois's "ra-ra dress" developed some rips in embarrassing places, and turned into a "ha-ha dress", and my mullet finally "died" or, more accurately (!) had to be put down by a "veterinary" (only joking!), we went a bit mad, post-lockdown, and tried having a "shag" and (less extreme, perhaps!) experimenting with a Joan Jett-style "shullet", which is a cross between a mullet and a shag, in case you don't know. 

Sadly somehow, nothing like that has seemed to look right on us after that, which was a pity, to put it mildly!!!!

Otherwise, I have to report, it's a pretty quiet Tuesday for us today. Lois has her online 'sisters class' this morning, with fellow female church-members, and while she's busy with that, I amuse myself making minor improvements to what I call my "rainwater collection system", a rather grand title for what is really just a "Heath Robinson-style" series of butts and buckets I've arranged, just in order to collect as much of the wet stuff coming out of the sky as I can, to save on our water bills, would you believe!!! 

Call me impossibly 'tight', if you like haha!!!

(left) Lois, wearing her "meeting hat" taking part in a recent online "sisters' class" with 

fellow female church-members, and (right) me showcasing my "rainwater collection 

system" today - butts and buckets including our spare brown garden waste wheelie-bin

and our spare black recycling waste bin - what a madness it all is, I have to admit !!!!!

Also, today, I make more plans for the visit of our daughter Sarah, with husband Francis and 12-year-old twins Lily and Jessica, who'll be jetting in for a 3-week stay here from their home in Perth, Western Australia at the end of this month. 

flashback to July 2025 and the family's last visit to the UK: Lois with

our daughter Sarah, husband Francis and twins Lily and Jessica,

on the banks of the River Thames, London

We've discovered today, that, at the Harry Potter World at Watford, which the twins are desperate to visit, the daytime slots have all been taken by "Potter-potty" tourists, and the only slots available for July are at 6pm or later, which is totally mad!

And just look at the "potty" prices anyway! A "mere" £85.20 each for the twins, and even toddlers get charged £45 each, which is even madder or "pottier", if that's a word!!!  [Not really! - Ed].

Even the tickets for babies, which, admittedly, are free, are said to be 'sold out'. How can you 'sell out' something which is free? Answers on a postcard haha!!!! I suppose that the site-owners don't want to be overrun by mobs of "Potter-potty", free-loading babies, but, again, your views welcome!!!

What a crazy world we live in !!!!

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzz!!!!!!!

Monday June 8th 2026 "Have YOU ever felt embarrassed when travelling by train?"

Yes, Friends, have YOU ever been embarrassed when travelling by train - it's all too common an experience, isn't it, and there was a prime example in today's Onion News - just turn to page 94, and prepare to squirm!!!!

Poor Baby Liam !!!!!

But thank goodness, also, that, in the end, his dear little baby toes distracted the poor little mite, and made him feel at least 1% less foolish, if not more (more less foolish, I mean, or even lesser foolish [sic] !!!!!) !!!!!

And reading little Liam's story this morning, here in semi-detached Liphook, Hampshire, brings an awkward smile to the faces of me and my wife Lois, to put it mildly!

me and my wife Lois - a recent picture

Toes are wonderful body-parts to have, and we're grateful for all twenty of our collective set (!), but we're less enthused about our twenty toe-nails, which are growing apace - take a look at yours some time and you'll see what I mean!

[Stop wittering on, Colin! - Ed]

And by complete coincidence today, Lois and I are going to be having to drive to nearby Beacon Hill, for a session with Janice, our podiatrist, in her little clinic in her lovely back-garden. 

Yes, I'm afraid that, as certified 'old codgers', nothing reminds us so much that we're old, as the fact of having to pay somebody to cut our toe-nails for us.

What a madness old age is !!!!!

(above) Janice, our podiatrist, and (below) Lois and I amuse ourselves 

like little kids, taking pictures of each other when Janice pops outside 

for a few minutes! What fun we have when it's just us !!!!!!!

And by the end of our hour, we realise that we know all about Janice's life, and her 'issues' with partners and her daughters: all about her recent holiday in Spain with her partner, and, also, until today we didn't know that she is actually 59 - she looks so much younger than 59, the little minx!!!! 

We even end up knowing about the issues of the other people in her life, not just those of her family, but even the problems faced by her 'fave girlie' or 'bestie', as young people say today, a woman-friend who unfortunately, it appears, suffers from 'impostor syndrome' - something Lois and I had never heard of. 

What madness, isn't it !!!!

Janice, our podiatrist, on one of her recent holidays in Spain -

pictures she posted on social media, which is nice!

"Imposter Syndrome - one of the key issues currently being faced by

Janice's "fave girlie" or "bestie", as young people say today

- all news to Lois and me !!!!!!

But that's it, in a nutshell, with Janice! Lois and I always go away feeling, not just more comfortable in our 'appendages' (!), but also much more knowledgeable than when we came in!

And there are so many other compensations, in having things done to your 'appendages' (!) by the lovely Janice, because she's such a good talker that you don't notice the cutting of the nails, the removal of rough skin, the soothing balms being applied etc. And before you know it, the hour is over and it's time to "pay up and look good", as Lois's old dad Dennis used to say!

You too can have toes like this - after you've seen Janice!

And apart from her undoubted specialist skills, Janice's easy, chatty manner is why she is so popular, I think, and, with her main local rival Zoe having recently 'shut up shop' with only a few minutes' notice, Janice is now snowed under with local 'old codgers' demanding her services, and the hassle of fitting them all in is currently driving her mental, she says! 

Luckily today we can tell her that we've found an alternative local 'toes-woman' as we call it, Julie, who's recently moved to Liphook, and who visits you in your home, which is nice, and we'll be trying Julie out next month, all being well. 

(left) Janice, our current 'toes-woman', and (right) Julie, 

our possible future 'toes-woman' - and Lois and I are looking 

forward to hearing about Julie's life and 'issues', to put it mildly!!!!

So watch this space!

[Is that all you two 'noggins' have done today, Colin? Driven to Beacon Hill and had your toe-nails cut? - Ed]

Absolutely not! Somehow later today we somehow manage to find the time to squeeze in, not just an afternoon in bed for 'statutory nap-time', but also an hour or two on the couch in the evening, to 'take in' a programme or two on the "telly", would you believe, for good measure!!!

[Well, bully for you, you poor 'sods' ! Some of us have to work for a living! - Ed]

Sitting here tonight on the couch, our feet feel lovely, although we've certainly both lost a lot of so-called 'keratin' today - with the cutting of all those toe-nails, that's for sure (!).

And tonight, we learn even more about so-called 'keratin', by watching Monday's edition in the BBC's "Springwatch" series, which takes a look at the state of nature and wild life in the UK, with the help of a team of local presenters.

Apparently, so-called 'keratin', the mysterious substance that's in mine and Lois's toenails, also makes up most of birds' feathers, which is crazy!

What madness !!!!

And who knew, for example, that many species of birds in the UK choose to line their nests with white feathers rather than with coloured ones, and with good reason, as it turns out. 

a starling feathering its nest with, crucially, white feathers,

rather than with coloured ones

In a study carried out recently in Denmark, swallows were offered a choice between white and coloured feathers to line their nests with, and the white feathers proved to be the feathers of choice in 73% of cases. And researchers discovered, also, that, in nests lined with white feathers, more chicks hatched out successfully and they also grew faster once they had hatched.

The researchers then compared the nests lined by white feathers, with the nests lined by coloured feathers, and found that, in the nests with the coloured feathers, there were more harmful bacteria present. 

A bacterium called 'bacillus lichenoformis', lives on all feathers, and degrades the keratin present in them, producing a compound with anti-microbial properties, benefitting the eggs, and also the chicks after they hatch.

With the darker, non-white feathers, however, there's another substance also present, 'melanin', a tough substance, which makes the keratin harder to break down. The result is that those coloured feathers tend to stay intact, and therefore don't offer the chicks the same advantages as the white feathers do, which is weird.

an example of a black-and-white feather - you can see that the

black parts are more intact than the white parts

See? Simples!

And I know that you, dear Reader, now understand the science [??? - Ed], but the birds themselves don't understand it, of course. However, presumably, the birds that prefer white feathers have, after, like, billions of years (more probably!), managed to out-populate the ones that prefer the coloured feathers, and the rest is history!

But what a crazy planet we live on !!!!!

[That's enough science! - Ed]

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzzzz!!!!!

Sunday June 7th 2026 "Have YOU ever been on a hen night, where somebody looks out of place?"

Yes, Friends, have YOU ever been to a hen party, on somebody's hen night, say, where one of the bride's "fave girlies", whether intentionally or not, has broken the advertised 'dress code' or similar ?

It happened to local girl Sabrina Kelsey recently, if we're to believe this morning's Onion News, no question about that!!!!

Oops! 

Poor Kelsey !!!!!

And reading the Onion story this morning, brings a faintest hint of a wisp of a smile to the faces of me and my wife Lois, to put it mildly!

me and my wife Lois - a recent picture

We're smiling, for years we haven't been invited to any weddings - for obvious, practical reasons: a superstitious fear that, as a pair of crinkly "old codgers" we'll somehow crack the lenses of the official photographer (!), being perhaps in the forefront of those reasons??? 

I wonder....!!!!

There's even a popular card-game now, "Uninvited Guests at a Wedding" - it's a barrel of laughs, believe you me haha!!!

But now, Lois and I, after years of not being invited to such occasions, suddenly find that this year, when we've both turned 80, would you believe, there are not one but two weddings, to which we've been invited, coming along within the space of a couple of months of each other, like London's famous No.11 buses, which "are most gregarious", and "like to drive in convoys" to quote the popular song !!!!!

Yes, this coming Saturday we'll be going to Lois's great-niece Lauren's wedding to 'beau' Iain-with-an-extra-'i', just outside Oxford, and then, in September, we'll be going to my niece Lucy's wedding to her Anglo-American 'belle', Rosanna - the first time that either of us has been to a single-sex wedding. And today, on social media, we see pictures of Lucy and Rosanna's hen night on the Waterfront in Ipswich, Suffolk, last night, which is nice!

my niece Lucy's hen night last night at the Ipswich Waterfront, Suffolk - (left)

the whole gang, including my sister Jill wearing pink trousers and a "Mother Jill" sash,

and (right) the happy couple with Lucy's sisters Maria and Zoe, plus a guy

who Lois and I suspect is probably Rosanna's brother - Josh????

Yes, for 'old codgers' Lois and me, 2026 is definitely a year where our horizons are being widened: we've had our first-ever single-sex wedding invite, and, additionally, we're all the time steadily increasing our knowledge of Australian culinary delights, would you believe, and learning more of the quaint local 'Aussie' lingo into the bargain!

At 9:30 am, we have our weekly 'catch-up' zoom call this morning with our daughter Sarah, who lives in Perth, Western Australia, with husband Francis and their 12-year-old twins Lily and Jessica. And a favourite question each week to the twins, is "What did you make in your school cookery class this week?", today's answer being "a hedgehog slice", would you believe (!).

Lois and me during our weekly "catch-up" zoom call with our daughter Sarah

and twins, asking the standard weekly question - "What did you make in 

your school cookery class this week, girls?" and getting the unexpected

answer "we made hedgehog slices". What antipodean madness!!!

And if YOU find yourself discussing the topic with an Aussie, don't make MY mistake of asking "Is it made with real hedgehogs?" 

Oops (again) !!!! What a fool I felt, when I received the twins' answer !!! And here's what Google's AI service says:

So now you know! 

But yum yum! I want one too, now, that's for sure haha!!!! I'll try asking for a hedgehog slice, next time I'm in Gregg's, and see what I get haha!!!

Rowan Atkinson and Mel Smith singing their iconic "We Like Trucking" song,

and enjoying a 'hedgehog sandwich' in this video from their 1980's TV series 

"Not The Nine o' Clock News"

Apart from all that weirdness, today is a fairly normal Sunday for Lois and me, and we're to be seen, as often, in the back row at Lois's church's Sunday Morning Meeting, and in the afternoon, I spend some time printing out some important tax letters that Sarah wants me to send off special delivery to HMRC tomorrow. We call her "Two Jobs Sarah", because she's doing an accountancy job in Perth while still keeping on her old accountancy job in Evesham, UK, and she sometimes needs us to post letters for her, which we gladly do of course.

But what a crazy world we live in !!!!

(above) Lois and me this morning at her church's Sunday Morning Meeting, and (below)

our daughter "Two Jobs Sarah" (bottom left, 2nd from right) with colleagues in Evesham UK,

and (bottom right) us picking her up at her office in Perth, back in 2018 - what madness!!! 

14:00 While I'm printing off those letters for Sarah, and then having a short "statutory nap" (!), our other daughter Alison, who lives about 10 miles away over the county line in Churt, Sarah, takes Lois out to look round some gardens or other.  

Lois and Alison are both self-confessed "gardening buffs", so they understand about flowers and suchlike, which is mad!!!!

me in my 'statutory nap-time' dressing gown (!)

showcasing the Manor House gardens leaflet

The gardens, normally private, are open to the public today, under the National Gardens Scheme, and Lois and Alison have a great time there looking at all the plants and getting ideas for their own gardens. Alison's husband, hotshot London lawyer Edward, is away this weekend doing his voluntary Duke of Edinburgh Award Scheme guidance stuff, and the couple's kids are busy revising for their exams, so it's nice for Alison to visit these lovely gardens with somebody to chat to, and to share reactions with.

our daughter Alison takes Lois to see round the gardens at The Manor House,

Haslemere, open to the public today under the National Gardens Scheme

Famously, back in 1940, when the country was facing the threat of invasion by Nazi Germany, and the government was collecting everybody's scrap metal to make into Spitfires and munitions and suchlike, the then-owner of The Manor House in Haslemere, Lady Mullens, decided to take down her antique entrance gates (photo above, bottom right) and hide them in the waters of the Manor House pond (photo above bottom left), to save them from the government collection trucks.

There's patriotism for you haha!!!!

Fortunately, with the aid of all our gallant allies, we eventually managed to win the war anyway, but you must know about that already - it was in all the papers!!!!

And we did it, even without the benefit of Lady Mullen's entrance gates, which made it even more of a triumph!

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzz!!!!!

Saturday June 6th 2026 "Friends, are YOU dissatisfied with your restaurant 'selfies'? Well, join the club!!"

Yes, Friends, are YOU often strangely dissatisfied with YOUR Instagram-style selfies of restaurant dining moments? A lot of us are, aren't we, but help is on the way, if we're to believe this morning's Onion News. Turn to page 94, all of you, and breathe a collective sigh of relief!!!! 

Kudos Greggs, ahead of the curve, as always!!! And reading the Onion story this morning here in semi-transparent Liphook, Hampshire this morning brings a half-bemused grin to the faces of me and my wife Lois, that's for sure!!!

my wife Lois and me - a recent picture

We're laughing because we know we're going to be spending some intimate moments in fitting-rooms this morning, as Lois, who turned 80 yesterday, intends to be picking out her 'extra birthday present' in the clothes shops of nearby Petersfield, just 11 miles south, down the A3 highway, which is nice!

Petersfield, its location marked by the red circle and arrow, 

has often been described as "a town in the middle of nowhere" (!)

Petersfield - it's a small town that most Brits have never heard of, and yet, as we discover on our shopping trip this morning, some famous faces have stayed here in the past - even Peter the Great (1672-1725) emperor of Russia, would you believe, which seems totally weird, not to mention also 17th century English monarch King Charles II, and 17th century diarist Samuel Pepys (1633-1703).

I showcase a blue plaque that Lois and I have never noticed before,

on our occasional shopping trips to nearby Petersfield, Hampshire

What madness, isn't it !!!!

Whether Peter the Great, either on his own, or with "squeeze" Elizabeth, later Empress of Russia, ever visited any of Petersfield's many clothes shops isn't made clear by the plaque, and, admittedly, Lois and I find it difficult to imagine Peter or Elizabeth in any of the fitting-rooms that we ourselves share some intimate moments in today, as Lois disrobes and tries on a series of dresses and also so-called 'cropped trousers' or 'pedal-pushers', to put it mildly!!!!

my wife Lois in me, in Petersfield's iconic "Edinburgh Woollen Mill" clothes shop

Unfortunately, Lois is handicapped, size-wise, by being only about 5'3" or thereabouts, and as clothes shops seem to regard today's tall young women as their main target customers, Lois finds that all the so-called 'cropped trousers' in the Edinburgh Woollen Mill's store actually come down to her ankles: so 'not very cropped' in other words, which is mad! In the end she decides she can turn up the light grey pair seen in the picture above, so all is well in the end, which is a comfort!

If Elizabeth, future Empress of Russia, ever did shop in the town's Edinburgh Woollen Mill or other clothing chains, Lois's problem definitely wouldn't have been an issue, no doubt about that!

And indeed the Empress, ironically, might have had the opposite problem - that the cropped trousers looked a bit like hot pants on her - because, you see, the Russian Empress was at least 5'11" or even taller according to some sources, well above average for the 17th century. And such garb as 'hot pants' might have been deemed 'inappropriate', or even indecent, in those crazy, straight-laced times, that's for sure!

I wonder.....!

Weirdly, however, history records that Empress Elizabeth, although born far too early to wear 'hot pants', was very proud of her legs and her figure generally, and found that the best way to showcase her figure was to dress as a man, which makes sense - women's dress in those far-off crazy days, tended to be  a bit on the bulky side to put it mildly!

a typical "metamorphoses ball" from Russia's imperial period

The men of the court hated these occasions, however, and you can see their point!

[That's enough about Russia! - Ed]

12:00 Armed with our purchases, Lois and I drive back home to Liphook in triumphant mood, if a bit exhausted, so we definitely need to recharge our batteries in bed this afternoon for 'statutory nap time'. 

And we finish this second day of celebration of Lois's 80th birthday, by putting on a birthday tea for ourselves and for our daughter Alison. Our son-in-law Edward is away supervising another Duke of Edinburgh Award weekend for local youngsters, so Alison just brings along two of the couple's teenage kids - Rosalind (17) and Isaac (15).

So, don't forget, when YOU turn 80, this is the way you do it - buy a dress and a pair of meant-to-be-cropped trousers which you can turn up, then go home, spend the afternoon in bed, and then enjoy a chocolate birthday cake with family before going back to bed again!

Simples, really isn't it, but there's your 'road-map' on a plate - something to 'cut out and keep', if you will! So store it somewhere safe, won't you haha!!!!

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzz!!!!!