Wednesday March 4th 2026 "Worried that YOU may get 'abducted' by some UFO today? Well, relax!"

Yes, Friends, are YOU worried that you'll get taken away by aliens in a UFO again today. Well my comforting message to you is "Frankie say, Relax!". 

Even if it does happen to you, the fact is that it's not nearly as scary an experience as many try to make out, which is a comfort! It's all in this reassuring message from America in today's Onion News - turn to page 94 for this welcome report!

"Kudos, that Department of Justice!" And "Kudos, Onion News!" for making this welcome report better known than, perhaps, it would otherwise have been, "languishing" near the back of some less-read organ, which is nice!

And the report brings a smile of relief to the faces of me and my wife Lois, here in rural, semi-precious Liphook, Hampshire, England, as we take a walk over the mud-affected "hallowed turf" of local East Hampshire Premier League's relegation-threatened soccer giants Liphook United this morning, to put it mildly!

And the Onion News story is quite timely, because we ourselves are afraid today that we may have spotted a UFO, even though it's obviously a quiet one, and it isn't making any kind of a "singing noise" - and it certainly doesn't "register" on my phone's shiny new Merlin App (see the app's birdsong data above, if you want "chapter and verse" !!!!!).

Later, when my fortnightly copy of political magazine Private Eye "plops" through our letterbox this afternoon, we see the explanation for the, like, billions of "UFO sighting" stories that have flooded the phone lines of the Met Office, as well as the offices of some of our own British "national newspapers" today, would you believe!!!!

Yes, it isn't a UFO we're all spotting today - it's just a "strange glowing spherical object", something called "the Sun", and we must all remember to heed that all-important advice from the Met Office:

"As long as every family across the UK now sacrifices a goat at the morrow to the immortal sun-god, then twice more in this year, yea, it shall grace our skies in all its golden majesty", which, surely, is good news. At last the ordinary person can do something practical to "make a difference" in the area of Britain's appalling weather.

But, first, catch your goat haha!!!!

Colin's super-tip for today: good advice on how to catch your goat is now

freely available on YouTube, courtesy of veteran goat-catcher Scotty Morris

Well we all had a jolly good laugh [Speak for yourself! - Ed] over Private Eye magazine's somewhat whimsical "take" on the surprise weather we all experienced this morning, didn't we! 

However, as Lois and I are reminded tonight from a Channel 5 documentary, there was a time, in these islands, when sacrificing a goat, or possibly even one of your neighbour's goats, or sacrificing one of your actual neighbours, even (!), on some altar-stone or other, was an everyday event, so much so that it didn't make the papers at all, in those crazy, far-off times, to put it mildly!!!!

You may think that there isn't much more to learn about Stonehenge, but the fact is, that archaeologists and scientists are all the time getting cleverer at determining where the monument's variegated collection of stones was actually brought from. 

All sarsen stones, or  redstones, or sandstones or whatever, are all apparently slightly different, depending on exactly where they were quarried from, and, for example, stones that were originally thought to have come from the Orkney Islands off the northern tip of Scotland, have now been determined to have come from the Scottish mainland, probably modern-day Aberdeenshire, including the sometimes neglected "altar stone", on which all the sacrifices of goats etc were carried out back in the day. 

And some stones thought to have been local to Wiltshire, are now, in some cases, believed to come from faraway Brighton, in the south-east of England. And of course, it's been known for some time that the blue stones all came from the west of Wales. What madness, wasn't it !!!

Why did the builders of Stonehenge, in modern-day Wiltshire, go to such trouble to "source" their stones, from, in some cases as far as 700 miles away?

Well, it turns out that archaeologist Mike Parker Pearson, our old friend from the Time Team programmes of a few decades ago, has the answer. He says that Stonehenge really gives us a sense that Stonehenge was not just a local monument for local people, but was actually drawing in people, ideas and materials from the whole island of Britain. And there exists no other stone circle in the whole of Europe that is constructed from stones, transported by such huge efforts, from such long distances away.

And what fascinates presenter Jason Watkins, is that idea of Britain being connected at this time thousands of years ago.

Our twenty-first century narrative, he says, that this period was rather brutish and brutal, is wrong, and that then, just as now, people had the need to connect. And Pearson agrees, saying that "it was a world, where there were big gathering-places and ceremonies, that were the social glue that brought the people of these islands together."

And that basic human need to come together, is still evident, he says, in the gatherings still seen in our own times, which take place at Stonehenge each year for the summer and winter solstices.

Fascinating stuff, isn't it!!!!

[If you say so! - Ed]

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzz!!!!!!!

Tuesday March 3rd 2026 "Do YOU find it hard to concentrate when your boss starts on one of his little 'speeches' ?"

Yes, Friends, do YOU find it hard to keep concentrating when your boss is "droning on" about Third Quarter Profits (or otherwise!!!) and all that 'malarkey' (!) ???? A lot of us do, I'm certain, just like local man Andy Fry, who was all over page 94 of the local Onion News for East Hampshire this morning - did you see the "splash" headlines - bet you did haha!!!!

Oops !!!! 

And that hapless CEO obviously forgot the first rule of a CEO speech - to just "witter on" about the stock market, profits etc, for most of your allotted time, leaving any substantial company news like "firings", "layoffs" etc, for the last two minutes of your speech! 

It's hardly rocket science, is it !!! Be fair !!!!!

However, recalling that Onion story, here in rural, semi-translucent Liphook, Hampshire, this morning, brings a fairly definite bit of a crooked smile to the faces of me and my wife Lois, as we get down to our proverbial "30 minutes of squelching", deep in the mud of nearby Old Man Lowsley's Farm on our daily walk today, to put it mildly!!!!

Lois and me after our "thirty minutes of squelching", deep in the mud 

of nearby Old Man Lowsley's Farm, hyped up by our first sighting 

this spring of a beautiful peacock butterfly [inset], a hopeful sign

The truth is, we could both of us give that hapless local CEO a few tips on how to write a speech today! 

Lois has been quietly writing a presentation herself, over the past couple of days, a 30-minute online talk to her church's fellow female members, the so-called "sisters' class". And by 12 noon this morning, when we embark on our "squelching" (!), she had already given her presentation, which had generated a lot of interest and questions, she tells me. 

(left) flashback to Saturday, when Lois was already well into the research for her

presentation, and (right) the hand-written script which she delivered online earlier today.

I never had any doubts that Lois's talk (about the woman with the alabaster box of ointment etc) would go down well. Lois is a natural, and very much her father's daughter: her dear late father Dennis, a lay preacher, was known to church members all over the English-speaking world for his carefully researched, beautifully written, and warm-hearted presentations, which he gave not just in Britain but also in Canada, the US, Australia, New Zealand, South Africa etc - you name it!

If only I could say the same thing about myself haha!!!

I am, "for my sins" (!), the leader of the local U3A "Intermediate History of the English Language for Old Codgers" group - a somewhat clumsy name for the group, but at least it "does what it says on the tin", as people say, which is some comfort !!!!

Yours Truly, for his "sins", leader of the local U3A "Intermediate History of 

the English Language for Old Codgers" group, would you believe !!!!

Recently my group members bullied me into agreeing to give them a presentation on "What would the English Language be like today, if William the Conqueror, Duke of Normandy, had lost the Battle of Hastings in 1066 ?".

Luckily there's at least one "obvious" point I can make - that, after the battle, the huge influx of French and Latin words that started flooding into our language, wouldn't have happened, and we'd be speaking a language basically "100% Anglo-Saxon with perhaps just a dash of Viking", as comedian Tony Hancock famously once called it, back in the 1950's.

It's noteworthy that Germany, a country which wasn't conquered by William, has an incredibly low percentage of "foreign" words, in it - only about 5%. Only Mandarin Chinese has a lower score, at a mere 1%. 

What a crazy world we live in!!!!!

On the other hand, English is one of the worst languages in the world for having incorporated, like, a billion foreign, non-native words - more than a billion, probably (!) - mostly from French and Latin. The result is that, an incredible 75% or so of our words are non-native, ie neither Anglo-Saxon, nor Norse.

What madness, isn't it !!!!

But there was another consequence of William's victory, back in 1066, that perhaps isn't so well-known, a feature which I intend to highlight in my so-called "talk"....

You see, when William and his Norman nobles started taking over Britain after 1066, they weren't really very interested in their Anglo-Saxon peasants, as long as they kept out of the Normans' way, and (preferably) kept working (!). The English were the poor "sods" who were doing all the real work, while the Normans were ensconced in their castles, drinking and feasting day and night. 

life in England during the Norman period: (left) the Normans in their castles,

feasting and talking French, while (right) the poor English were toiling in the fields

doing all the real work, but talking English while they did it, which was nice!

At least, however, the Normans, due to their lack of interest, left the peasants mostly to their own devices: the Normans just kept very much to themselves, continuing to talk French in their castles, enabling the English, toiling in the fields, to carry on talking English. The result was that the English language was free to develop and modernise much faster, with no "poncy" Normans telling them how they should, or should not, be speaking, which was some consolation. 

But what a madness it all was !!!!!

So book your seat now for my forthcoming so-called "talk "! Tickets are selling fast! Members only haha!!!

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzz!!!!!

Monday March 2nd 2026 "Friends, have YOU got somebody who can make a game-changing improvement to YOUR life?"

Yes, Friends, have you got some special somebody who can turn YOUR life around for, say, under £100 a "pop"? Local sad man Tom Etheridge is in luck, according to this morning's Onion News for East Hampshire - did you "catch" the story today?

Kudos, that woman! And the story brings a knowing smile to the faces of my wife Lois and me this morning in rural, semi-autonomous Liphook, Hampshire, as we tramp through local Radford Park indulging in another 30 minutes of "squelching" through the mud on our daily walk, listening out for the lovely birdsong. Lois says it's excitement over the start of the mating season that's making the local birds so vocal, so it's all immediately understandable.

Poor birds - they've waited long enough haha!!!!

Never mind the birds, for Lois and me our own excitement is palpable today too - people are saying you can "palp" it for miles around haha!

The reason? Well, just like sad local man Etheridge, who's on the brink of having a birthday with lots of game-changing gifts from thoughtful girlfriend Alessa, my own daily "routine" is about to be changed for the better, with a much-discussed "game-changing" new slot in my afternoon, which is nice, using the book of exercises I originally bought on my retirement, 20 years ago this month, if you can believe that!

(left) flashback to March 2006, my 60th birthday and the day Lois and I both retired,

and (right) me yesterday with the exercise book I bought at the time, now still looking 

as shiny and untouched as when I first bought it, an incredible 20 years ago this month!

From today, I'm debuting my new daily 45-minute "exercise slot" starting at 3:30pm, immediately after our 90-minute "statutory afternoon nap slot", which is exciting! And Lois thinks it will be a complete game-changer for me, seeing as how my current exercising regime currently has had no fixed time-slot. 

And this fact, in tandem with my justly-famous "busy busy busy" lifestyle, leads to the exercising being, perhaps conveniently, "forgotten about" most days, she hypothesises, and I think there may be something in that argument, to be fair!

some typical exercises from the book

So watch this space! There is provision, which I've had "written into" my new contract with Lois, that the exercise slot can be called off, if I feel I haven't had enough time for a completely satisfying nap, which may turn out to be a dangerous loophole, but we'll see! Your views welcome - postcards only haha!!!!

Certainly, now approaching 80, both Lois and I most days feel like "complete ruins" (!), so it's nice this evening to see some other, even older ruins, in the latest fascinating programme in Alice Roberts' new series "The Roman Empire By Train".

The Romans liked their towns planned on perfect grids, meticulously aligned to north, south, east and west, something which our Anglo-Saxon ancestors didn't bother to do, which is a pity, Lois and I sometimes think (!). 

Lois and I didn't know, however, that Roman fastidiousness in trying to create towns perfectly aligned with the universe, has enabled historians to use astronomical data, combined with archaeological data, to determine more or less the exact date that many Roman towns were founded, And this is the case with Turin, in the north of Italy - on the basis of the ever changing night sky, Turin's foundation has been dated to January, 9 BC, which is when its street grid would have been perfectly aligned.

But here's another "stinker" of a question.....

Did a herd of African elephants come this way, even further back in time, in 218BC? Well, "maybe" is the only answer it's possible to give to that old "chestnut" (!).

As we're told in tonight's TV programme, way back in the 2nd century BC, when the world's two superpowers of the time - Rome and Carthage (in modern day Tunisia) - clashed in the second Punic War, the the Carthaginian general Hannibal invaded Italy, coming through the Alps, bringing all his forces, including his fighting elephants, with him. 

But exactly what route did Hannibal take for his epic journey? Frustratingly that's one question that's proved just too difficult to answer, as Alice explains:

Fascinating stuff, isn't it!!!!

Will this do? Or is that question just another case of "Hannibalism"? I think we should be told!

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzzzz!!!!!