Sunday October 18th 2026 "Friends, are YOU puzzled by the financial pages in YOUR newspaper? Well, puzzle no more!!!"

Yes, Friends, are YOU, frankly, completely puzzled by the financial pages in YOUR daily newspaper? 

Well, puzzle no more (!), because this morning's Onion News finally explains everything with its handy cut-out-and-keep "chart", valid for all countries and all chronological periods, which is a relief! You probably noticed the eye-catching headline, plus chart, way back on page 94, this morning, but if you've feeling hazy about it, here's a reminder!

This was the headline that's getting all those tongues wagging....

... and this is the paper's handy cut-out-and-keep all-purpose chart......see below!

So, there you have it - surprisingly simple, when you have that chart to consult, 24/7 year-round, no question about that!

And the chart brings a ray of comfort to the faces of me and my wife Lois today, here in semi-panoramic Liphook, Hampshire - that's a statement not open to doubt!

my wife Lois and me - recent pictures

With Hallowe'en coming up, and living, as we do, in a Liphook housing-estate that's decidedly kid-heavy (!), we're going to have to stock up on fun-size chocolate bars for all those trick-or-treaters, the young scamps!!!

This year we're also thinking of investing in a fun-size, seasonally "spooky" version of the traditional, iconic "Colin the Caterpillar" cake - what do you think? 

With my own name also being "Colin", it's a no-brainer for us, and this month's Ocado Supermarket magazine trumpets their 2026 version, with QUOTE "two full-size Colin faces" UNQUOTE, plus QUOTE "the most chocolate we've ever packed into a Colin" UNQUOTE, so what's not to like haha!!!!

Even in Australia, excitement is mounting at the approach of Halloween, and this morning we have another weekly catch-up call on zoom with our daughter Sarah, who lives in a house overlooking the Indian Ocean, in the northern suburbs of Perth, Western Australia, with husband Francis and their 13-year-old twins, Lily and Jessica. 

The twins are going to make their own Halloween costumes this year - they'll be going as teenager-size jellyfish, the young scamps! No pictures of their costumes are available as yet, but watch this space! 

Lois and I taking our weekly zoom catch-up call with our daughter Sarah,

who lives with husband Francis and their 13-year-old twins in Perth's northern suburbs

Financial pressure is mounting on Sarah and co, as with many young families today, but Sarah is still doing two jobs, her accountant's job in Perth, while somehow still managing to do her old accountant's job in Evesham UK -  inevitably, perhaps, Lois and I have dubbed her "Sarah Two-Jobs" (!). 

Husband Francis, meanwhile, is, as always busily adding value to their property, currently working on making a flight of wooden steps down their dizzyingly steep front garden.

(left) one of the northern suburbs of Perth, Australia, where our daughter Sarah

and family live, and (right) the steep climb up to their house from the roadway

Francis has also, somehow, found time to make a swing that hangs from the family's favourite garden tree. Called by the Aussies a "yellow gum tree" or some-such nonsense (!), the tree is home to a variety of green parrots and other colourful birds of the sort that they tend to have over there in Australia- it's quite mad!

Francis says the new swing is for the twins, but we suspect it's chiefly for himself - somewhere to "unwind", perhaps, when he's fed up with working on all those, like, billions of steps - more probably!

(left) our son-in-law Francis, somehow finding time to relax, on the swing

he's made, which hangs from the family's "yellow gum tree" in Perth, Australia, and

(right) our granddaughter Lily, who's managed to get "dad" off the swing for 5 minutes (!)

What madness, isn't it!!!!

And the other madness is, trying to work out why Lois and I are so busy every day, including Sundays, even though we've been retired for 20 years now, would you believe!!!! How did we ever find the time to go to work, back in the day - that's the big question !!!

flashback to March 2006 - my 60th birthday, and also the day

we both retired. Little did we know the crazy, hectic life-style

that was waiting for us, just around the corner!!!!

12:30 Half past twelve, and would you believe, Lois and I are "back on the road" again, which is totally mad (!), driving the 10 miles or so north to nearby Headley, where we've been invited to lunch with our other daughter Alison, and husband Edward, which is a nice surprise!

It's our first chance to see their property for 18 months. Their house - a crumbling Victorian mansion in 7.5 acre grounds, built in the 1870's for one of Queen Victoria's vice-admirals - has been "out of bounds" all that time, even for Alison and family, as builders have struggled to refurbish it. And even Alison and family themselves, due to so-called "health and safety" concerns, have only very recently been allowed back into their own property, which is mad! 

(left_ "Sorry you can't go inside yet, mate!" - builders denying entry to the house's owners,

our daughter Alison and family, for 18 months, on grounds of "health and safety" 

which is crazy (!), and (right) the rude shepherd's hut in the mansion's lovely 

7.5 acre grounds, where the family has been "skulking" in recent weeks. What madness!!!!

Their builders are very health-and-safety-conscious, evidently, and were obviously anxious not to get sued, if anybody tripped over a trailing electrical lead or fell through a hole into the basement - you know the kind of thing!!!!

Although the work is now nearing completion, however, the mansion's grounds are still a massive building-site, because builders are still on the site Monday through Friday, finishing off, like, a billion of the smaller jobs. 

However, Lois and I are bubbling over with excitement to have our first look over the property today. And after that, we're looking forward to enjoying a typical British Sunday roast lunch with Alison, Edward and youngest offspring Isaac (16), which will send us back to our home in Liphook this afternoon with two very pleasantly full tummies, for an afternoon in bed, which will be nice!!!

Lois and I park in the builder's car-park, to be greeted by our daughter Alison,

who leads us up through the mud and through the approach way, between

the oriental-style entrance huts, one to be a sauna and one a mini-gym

- crazy you might say, but not just practical but stylish at the same time!!!!

Lois and I are wondering privately whether a session in the mini-gym, followed by a sauna, will be a requirement for visitors planning to enter the main house, but Alison reassures us that those will be optional only, so no worries there!

(left) the raised-beds of the "kitchen garden", still under construction,

and (right) a further area of mud, as we (finally!) approach the actual house,

an area which will be grassed over when the builders have time to get round to it (!)

When we finally get to the house itself (!), Lois and I are quite "bowled over" by all the changes to the house, and how magnificent the rooms are already beginning to look, plus all the new things the family will be able to do in ease and comfort, living their new, expanded, life-style.

Even the family's extensive "menagerie" of pets - 2 dogs, 2 cats and a tankful of tropical fish - haven't been forgotten, with, for example, a new pull-out feeding area, plus impressive shower and bathing facilities for the dogs, whenever they feel like they want to "freshen up", before a meal, perhaps? 

I wonder...!!!!

(above) Lois greets Otto, one of the family's two cats, while Alison and Isaac look on,

and (below, left) impressive new pull-out feeding-area for the family's two dogs,

with (below, right) the dog's new bath and shower area with convenient access-steps (!)

It's no exaggeration to say the family's members now have the room to do whatever they like, and more besides! There's even a wall to carry their huge antique map of the county, also dating from Victorian times, I believe, which is crazy! Also, generally, space galore for "chilling out", snoozing in an armchair maybe, or browsing a book from the extensive family library and "book room".

What's not to like!!! 

And today, having "done the tour" - usually a 10-minute job in most people's houses, including our own (!) - but this one taking a good hour, including stops for catching our breath etc (!), Lois and I can finally sit down with the family to a good, old-fashioned Sunday roast (pork, roast potatoes and parsnips, veg, stuffing etc) followed by one of Lois's trademark apple crumbles, which we brought with us as the flagship "grandparental contribution" (!), before at 3pm, finally going home to bed for "statutory nap-time". 

What's not to like haha !!!!

Lois and I sitting down to one of our son-in-law Edward's iconic

traditional British Sunday roast lunches - pork plus potatoes and parsnips,

other veggies, stuffing: the works! Yum yum!!!!

It's going to be a busy day for Alison and family, so Lois and I try not to outstay our welcome.

Our grandson Isaac will be jetting off to China tomorrow for a 2 week study trip, with about a dozen of Isaac's fellow-students from the local high school, all just starting Sixth Form and planning to take an A-Level in Mandarin Chinese. Hence the trip, during which they'll be meeting Chinese college and high school students, with the aim of mutually improving their language skills in Chinese for the English kids, and in English as regards the Chinese kids, which makes sense!

our 16-year-old grandson Isaac [inset] and his forthcoming school trip

to Xiamen, China with his Mandarin student classmates - the young scamp!

Imagine, Isaac off to China again! He was only there a couple of years ago - the young scamp!

flashback to 2024: Isaac's first ever visit to China, with schoolmates: (left) Isaac [inset]

also to be seen bottom-right, half out of shot, on the school bus-ride to

London's Heathrow Airport, and (right) the group arriving at their destination in China

And, on Halloween, when Lois and I are tucking into our "spooky" version of our "Colin the Caterpillar" cake, we'll be thinking of Isaac, thousands of miles away in China, and also thinking back fondly to the "Colin" cake which Lois and I provided for Isaac on his 3rd birthday, in the back garden of our house in Cheltenham, long ago!

flashback to July 2019: we host Isaac's 3rd birthday party, complete with

"Colin the Caterpillar" cake, in the back garden of our then home in Cheltenham

- happy days!!!!

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzz!!!!!!

Saturday October 17th 2026 "Do YOU have a complicated relationship with YOUR bowling ball?"

Yes, Friends, how would YOU describe YOUR relationship with your favourite bowling ball? With a finger in multiple holes, it feels kind of intimate, doesn't it, but does YOUR ball "give anything back" - that's the question!

One thing's for sure - you can't keep those dratted balls out of the headlines, no "question" about that! Why not pick up today's Onion News, and just do a quick scan of the paper's popular weekly "Bowling Colour Supplement": there are some real "doozies" this morning - see page 94 !!!!

It's all a little mad, isn't it, if we're honest! And yet these headlines, (and others similar!), bring just the hint of a cheeky grin to the faces of me and my wife Lois this morning, here in semi-panoramic Liphook, Hampshire - that's for sure!!!

my wife Lois and me - recent pictures

And our grins aren't totally out of place, because we're both going to be handling those balls ourselves today, on a scheduled church outing, 35 miles south, to a pub skittles alley down by Southampton Water, and the so-called Solent - with its outlet to the English Channel, of all places!!!!

(above) our 35-mile journey down to the English Channel, and (below, left)

our little church group having lunch today, with (below, right) our lunch companions

today - Tansy and Elaine, waiting with Lois and me for the meal to be served

But let me put my cards on the table at this point!

Lois and I mostly go on these trips for the "chat" and the "boozy lunch", and we're planning to try to skip the actual skittles part of the outing, pleading "bad backs" or "weak spines" or some-such nonsense (!). 

However, the ground is cut from under our feet, when a number of much older, and much more enfeebledm church members even than us, including one poor soul in a wheelchair (!), step boldly up to the "foul line" to roll their balls, would you believe! So in the end, Lois and I are "shamed" into taking part ourselves, and we're glad we did, overall, because we end up actually having a lot of fun, whether it looks like it or not haha!!!

What madness, though!

On a historical note, however, when, at 2pm or so, Lois and I left the crowd at the pub to go home to bed for "statutory nap-time", we couldn't help noticing, outside on the pub wall, something that appears to be a rare fragment of the 1000-year-old Bayeux Tapestry, which, oddly, seems to be advertising this very pub - known as "The Crofton".

So clearly, the pub is centuries older than it looks, which is surprising, to put it mildly!  

(left) "The Crofton" - the pub in the Hampshire village of Stubbington, where the group

is having a skittles lunch today, and (right) I showcase the mysterious fragment of the 

Bayeux Tapestry, which Lois and I spot while going back to our car, which is weird!

Lois and I are aware that the French Government recently released the Tapestry for temporary display at the British Museum in London, and we wonder if this part of the tapestry unfortunately may have got "nicked" by the scissors-toting pub-manager, when attendants were maybe distracted by maybe some incident or other, and failed to spot the theft perhaps?

I wonder....!!!!

But what a crazy world we live in !!!!

police engaged in the thankless task of preventing tourist thefts of

Bayeux tapestry fragments from the British Museum

Some people make a lot of fuss about the Bayeux Tapestry "not being a real tapestry" - apparently it's actually a so-called "embroidery", pedants say, because the images are "stitched", rather than "woven" into the fabric, which is weird! 

Well, whatever !!!!

Mia Hansson, a local woman currently weaving - or should I say 'stitching' (!) -

 her own replica of the Tapestry (!), hoping to finish it by October 2027 - poor Mia !!!

All these words - tapestry, embroidery, weaving, texture etc - have an interesting history in the English language, and, by coincidence, when Lois and I finally struggle out of bed, at about 6 pm (!), we happen to have our attention quickly caught by this week's Radio Times magazine, and an interesting little snippet from Susie Dent of the Oxford English Dictionary, naming her "WORD OF THE WEEK", which turns out to be the little word "text" (!). 

Who knew that the simple word "text", which we use so much nowadays - "texting" our friends with some nonsense or other, and all that "malarkey" (!)  - is, itself, also connected with this weaving and embroidery business. What madness, isn't it !!!!

[That's enough madness! - Ed]

So, when we're "texting", we're actually "weaving" our words. 

But wait, there's more! When we're being "succinct", we're actually following the custom of Romans of old, tucking their togas into their belts [Latin: succinctus], to stop them billowing about too much.

Don't you just hate it when your toga starts to billow !!!!

(left) a typical Roman woman with a "billowing toga" problem, and (right)

a Roman who solves the problem by being "succinct" - tucking it under his belt (!)

And when some tourist, or pub-manager, say, is running out of the British Museum, with a fragment of the Bayeux Tapestry under his (or her) arm, he (or she) is "escaping", a word which originally would have meant "scrambling out of one's cape in order to make a swift exit", Susie says.

What a crazy language we speak !!!!!

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzzzz!!!!!

Friday October 16th 2026 "Friends, do YOU ever take it too literally, when asked to 'Take a hike!' ???

Yes, Friends, are YOU ever tempted to take it too literally, when advised to "take a hike" ? Very easy to do, especially if you've been brought up to "just do as you're told!", like a many a young "boomer" was, back in those crazy 1950's!

And one thing's for certain, all these years later - you just can't keep 'hikers' out of the headlines, that's for sure. Reference today's Onion News, if you want the evidence in black and white - and new technicolour haha!!!!

What madness isn't it!!!! But those stories, nail-biting though they may be, at least bring a whiff of a smile to the faces of me and my wife Lois this morning, here in semi-gorgeous Liphook, Hampshire, no question about that!!!!

And we're laughing because we ourselves just plain refused to "take a hike" ourselves this morning - i.e. to take our near-daily walk across local soccer heroes Liphook United's "hallowed turf", citing "pressure of other work", would you believe! You see, Monday is starting to loom large, as we prepare for the twice-monthly meeting of the local "Intermediate Latin for Local Old Codgers" group, that we're both members of - "for our sins" [Latin: pro peccatis nostris!!!!!]. 

And hence our mild panic this morning, and hence our kitchen table covered with our Latin books and notes etc!

Although retired now for 20 years, we find that we're busier than ever these days, and Lois and I often ask ourselves, "How did we ever find the time to go to work, back in the day?"  !!!!!

This coming weekend is, in any case, going to be "non-stop" (!) for other reasons too, with, on Saturday, a church outing to a pub for a game of skittles and a lunch, down near the English Channel coast; and on Sunday, a much anticipated first look inside our daughter Alison's newly renovated house in nearby Headley, now that the builders have reached the final stages of the 18-month refurbishment project - what madness, isn't it !!!!

our crazy weekend coming up! (above) a Saturday pub lunch and a skittles game at a pub 

on the Solent near Portsmouth, and Sunday's planned, and eagerly-anticipated first look

inside the house of our daughter Alison (with us, below left), after 18 months of renovation work 

And Lois and I are both sorry we've had to miss our near-daily walk this morning, however. We always feel it does us good. And when we open Lois's copy of "The Week" magazine, which "plopped" through our letter-box this afternoon, while we were in bed (!), there's an interesting article about how walking can even help kids - the young scamps!!!

Even at the grand old age of 80, Lois is still counting her daily step-count, aiming to do 3000 to 4000 a day. And, because Lois and I tend to be "in each other's pockets" (in a nice way!) 24/7, Yours Truly also finds himself doing a similar number of steps, which is probably for my own good - at least that's what I keep telling myself!!!!

Women rule ok, in many areas of life, at least! And what better example of that is there, than one of Lois's favourite fashion journalists, Felicity Green, who has sadly died this week, but not before reaching an incredible 100 years of age, and her amazing story is told in this afternoon's Last Word, on BBC Radio 4.

What a woman!!!!

Pint-size Felicity - she was only 5' 0" tall - certainly knew how to keep the men in her life in order - no question about that!

When she took her first job in Fleet Street, as a secretary at Women and Beauty Magazine, she was told that her duties included not just typing and filing but also taking the editor's dog for a daily walk, and also making the fire - "We had coal fires in those days", she reports, which was mad! 

flashback to the 1950's: a typical newspaper editor's office with 

a coal fire for heating, which some poor woman probably had to 

start going before he arrived (not before 11, probably!) - what madness!!!

And that editor's dog never wanted to go for a walk, she used to recall, so very often she just had to pick it up and carry it round the park.

Could Lois do that with me, do you think - pick me up and tuck me under her arm? 

I wonder.....!

an exhausted Yours Truly, during one of our near-daily walks, taking a break, 

and taking a welcome "breather",  in the management "dug-out", above 

local soccer heroes Liphook United's "hallowed turf" - a recent picture (!)

Determined to succeed, however, Felicity eventually became the Daily Mirror's Fashion Editor bringing fashion news to the paper's 5 million readers. She'd been appointed in person by the paper's then owner Hugh Cudlipp, who liked her because she "wasn't a yes woman" and "always said exactly what she thought". 

Kudos, Felicity!

Fashion journalist Felicity Green - liked by owner Hugh Cudlipp

for never being a "yes woman", and always saying exactly what she thought

And Felicity's preferred style for women's fashion was "sexy and scintillating, without being vulgar", and her fashion ideas are often credited as "helping to define the Swinging Sixties".

However, newspaper offices were very much a male-dominated world in those far-off crazy days, and when eventually Felicity became the first ever woman board-member on a UK national newspaper, she was warned that she would be managing many men older and more experienced than she was; and she was advised, early on, above all, not to make those men feel emasculated. 

a typical management meeting at the Daily Mirror 

in the 1960's - "very much a male-dominated world"

Felicity confessed, however, that, from time to time, she still had to give many a man a "bollocking", but then, after she'd finished with them, she would somehow contrive to let them "leave with their balls", which was a nice touch!

But what a crazy world we live in !!!!

[That's enough madness! - Ed]

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzz!!!! 

Thursday October 15th 2026 "Friends, are YOU fluent in your own language? It's one way to make friends locally, that's for sure!"

Yes, Friends, are YOU fluent in your own language, or whatever language is spoken in YOUR neighbourhood?  If not, and you need inspiration, take as your "model" local man Ray Ayers, who's lived in the UK all this life and, by the age of just 57, has somehow found the time to develop a smattering of our country's colourful language - and you could do it too! 

You'll recognise Ray's face - that's for sure... it's plastered all over the front page of today's Onion News, so pick today's print edition out of the kitchen garbage and take a second look! You won't regret it!!!

Kudos, that man! 

And while you've got today's "Onion" in your hands, why not check out all the other stories in the paper's popular pull-out 'language supplement' - you'll be glad you did!

What madness isn't it! 

But at least these headlines bring a definite hint of a smile to the faces of me and my wife Lois this morning, here in semi-hospitable Liphook, Hampshire, as we take our near-daily walk over the "hallowed turf" of local soccer heroes Liphook United - nobody round here is going to argue with that statement, that's for sure!!!! 

And that's doubly certain, because today, there isn't anybody around here to argue with us, anyway haha!!!!

us this morning, with (left) Lois sitting in the club's famous management "dugout", 

where manager Ron Knee (59) holds court on Saturdays, Lois getting some sense of

how lonely it must be "at the top" (!), and me checking out the old clubhouse,

where the crowd - Sid and Doris Bonkers - traditionally grab a pre-match beer or three

at the iconic, if dilapidated, clubhouse bar - what a crazy place it is, isn't it, if I'm honest !!!!!

And certainly the very topic of "language" is on both our minds this morning, as we nervously await this afternoon's fortnightly online meeting of the online U3A "Intermediate Danish for Old Codgers" group, which we jointly run, "for our sins" !!

To get ourselves in the mood, we work out some Danish equivalents of some of local sports "journo" E.I. Addio's trademark expressions to describe the mood of the crowd (Sid and Doris Bonkers):

Certainly, local residents, dubbed by Lois and me as "The Lip-Hookers" (!) since we first moved to the town back in January 2025, have come to rely heavily on us whenever they need to conjure, as if "out of thin air", something vaguely Danish-sounding to impress their friends !

some typical "Lip-Hookers", as Lois and I have dubbed them,

waiting for the local football team, Liphook United,

to emerge from the clubhouse and start the game, hopefully (!)

And Lois and I have acquired quite a reputation locally as possibly the area's leading "Danish buffs" after they hear about our 7 years travelling to and from Denmark, when our daughter Alison and family were living in Copenhagen, from 2012 to 2018, so "Fair enough!" [Danish: fair nok"] - that's what Lois and I say!!!!

(left) flashback to 2014: Lois with our little Danish family - daughter Alison,

husband Edward and their 3 kids Josie (8), Rosalind (6) and Isaac (4) on one of

mine and Lois's early visits to see them in Copenhagen, and (right)

us attempting to control another rowdy online meeting of our local U3A

"Intermediate Danish for Old Codgers" group - what madness, isn't it !!!!

However, sitting in front of our little laptop this afternoon speaking Danish isn't going to get us fit, physically at least (!), as we learn from tonight's fascinating ITV programme, which claims that just a few simple changes in life-style combined with, say, 5 minutes of daily exercises using household objects can really improve the fitness, even of dyed-in-the-wool "old codgers" like Yours Truly and my wife Lois - dubbed "Mrs Yours Truly" by Yours Truly, if that makes sense (!). [No! - Ed]

And tonight, the programme's "fitness pundit" Dr Kate, known as "The Old Codger's Young-to-youngish Friend" gives Lois and me three simple manoeuvres to keep us out of mischief, which is going to be useful!

These are Dr Kate's three "doozies" - so why not try them out for yourself haha!

(1) The sofa squat

For this exercise you sit on the sofa with your feet at about hip width in front of you, and then see how many times you can stand up and sit down again, without using your arms: just using your hamstring muscles in your legs, plus your "glutes" - the big muscles on our backs.

(2) Lifting tin cans

For this you have to take a tin can in each hand and lift them up to shoulder level. This exercises your deltoids - your shoulder-pad muscles, muscles that are important for e.g. lifting shopping-bags and putting them on the counter. They also work the triceps muscle in your arms, key for getting out of a bath, say.

(3) Feeling like a lemon (!)

This exercise is to aid better balance and muscle strength, Dr Kate says. 

As we get older, we can tend to use our eyes a little bit more, just for balance, if, say, we're trying to stand on one leg, as you do (!). If we're throwing a lemon from hand to hand, however, we've got to look at the lemon, so that takes our eyes out of the equation, forcing us to work our muscles harder to maintain balance. 

See? Simples!!!

And all this you can do without buying special equipment or taking out an expensive gym membership, which is a nice bonus!

I realise tonight, however, that there's one thing I've got to discourage Lois from doing, which is to follow the example of this elderly woman, who decided to learn aikido, the Japanese martial art.

Yikes! 

And if an ageing woman can throw a big, strong man across the room, what would Lois be able to do to a decidedly bookish and nerdy specimen, like Yours Truly?

It's just the stuff of nightmares haha!!!

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzz!!!!!