Thursday April 30th 2026 "Have YOU ever spoken to a foreigner in their own language and then regretted it haha!!!"

Yes, Friends, have YOU ever spoken to a foreigner in their own language, and then instantly regretted it? It's happened to most of us, hasn't it - and there's a prime example of that whole 'experience' in today's local Onion News for East Hampshire, that's for sure!

Poor Alice !!!!!

Reading Alice's story today, however, here in semi-picturesque Liphook, Hampshire brings a smile to the faces of me and my wife Lois, as we prepare for the fortnightly online session of local U3A group, "Intermediate Danish for Old Codgers", the group which we jointly lead "for our sins" (!).

And, as for amassing "a complete set of Danish expletives" (!), both we, and also our members, are ahead of the game, that's for sure! Our group is currently reading together a Danish whodunnit murder mystery, "Judaskysset" (The Judas Kiss), by Danish writer Anna Grue. It's a "proper" Danish book, for Danes, and for adult Danes, at that! 

The book is all about adults too, and so we're reading about the things that Danish adults do, and the things that Danish adults say, which doesn't always leave much to the imagination, to put it mildly!!!!

(above left) us on the couch, preparing for our online session, reading a murder mystery

by Danish writer Anna Grue (above, right), and below (right) us trying to bring

some order to a typically rowdy online meeting of our group of local "old codgers" (!)

It can be embarrassing at times, during our group meetings, translating into English what the people in the book are doing, or saying, ot put it mildly! And so to protect the sensibilities of some of the more straight-laced in our elderly mixed-sex group, we've developed certain euphemisms, which are a bit of a lifeline. So, when we're in session, you'll hear many a cry of "Darn!", "Bother!", "Sugar!" and "Go away, please!", and suchlike, filling the balmy East Hampshire air!!!

Today's slightly vulgar Danish new word that we have to master is "skideballe", used to describe when somebody is being severely reprimanded. It's often translated as a "bollocking", but literally means "a tubful of s*** ". Oh dear, we'll all have to wash our mouths out with soap and water after this session, no question about that!!!!!

What madness, isn't it !!!!!

And in short, this Thursday is turning into yet another busy day for Lois and me, because on top of our online Danish lesson this afternoon, Lois is also doing lots of cleaning and laundry, as well as watering her flowers and vegetables, with the current dry spell continuing. 

And as for me, I've got to get online to pay a few bills, and to organise our groceries delivery for tomorrow. 

Busy Busy Busy !!!! How did we ever find the time to go to work, back in the day!!! 

[You lazy so-and-so, Colin! - Ed]

Looking back through history, however, it turns out that people in the past were even busier than people are today, which is a surprise (including even kings and queens would you believe!), as we find out from tonight's fascinating TV documentary about merry medieval monarch and "ideas man", Richard II (1367-1400), entitled "How To Get Ahead At Medieval Court".

Lois and I didn't know how many features of modern life were first invented by, or popularised by, good old Richard II, to put it mildly!

For starters, he popularised the habit of taking a bath at least once a month (!). During Richard's reign, for the first time since the Roman era, the bath made a bit of a comeback, largely thanks to the King. He established a kind of privy for himself, something like a Turkish bath on a little isle in the middle of the Thames, where he would luxuriate, surrounded by 2000 hand-painted tiles, with hot and cold running water gushing from taps into his bath.

And the men of Richard's court, and also the women of his court, were encouraged to do the same. Richard liked cleanliness, and insisted on it also when it came to his "staff", no question about that!

Also, Richard more or less invented the first cookbook in the English language. He wasn't the sort of king who would just gnaw on a chicken bone before casting it aside for the mastiffs - oh no! He really liked his food, and would have loved the 'nouvelle cuisine' of today, presenter Stephen Smith tells us. 

And it was Richard who commissioned the first ever English cookbook, "The Forme of Cury": nothing to do with curry, incidentally - it just means "Ways of Cooking" - but kudos, Richard, for the catchy title anyway haha!

But of course haha!!!

However, "What did this Richard guy do for me, Colin?!", I hear you cry!

Well, the next time you have a sniffly nose, or you need to mop your brow, or put a knot in something to remind you not to forget something coming up in your diary, then thank Richard, because - voila! - he was the man who popularised the pocket handkerchief, or "hankie", as it's sometimes known.

What a guy!

And what a mad, mixed-up world they lived in, back in those far-off days!!!!!

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzz!!!!!!

Wednesday April 29th 2026 "Are YOU spending YOUR whole life taking pleasure cruises? It can be tiring, can't it!!!!"

Yes, Friends, do YOU spend your whole life going from one Caribbean cruise to another? Most of us do, don't we! But there are risks, as today's Onion News points out so graphically with this shock page 94 blockbuster headline, to put it mildly!!!!! 

Poor Gary !!!!!!

But Gary's sober reflections, or maybe his semi-sober reflections as he's still on board (!), certainly bring a knowing smile to the faces of me and my wife Lois this morning, here in leafy Liphook, Hampshire, as we take our near-daily walk over the "hallowed turf" of local soccer giant-killers, Liphook United - that's for sure!

Because, by total coincidence, what should fly over our heads, during our walk, but British Airways flight BA 206 from Miami to Heathrow bringing home a bunch of British tourists home to London's Heathrow Airport, as if to rub in Gary's already plentiful woes!!!!

my wife Lois and me on our near-daily walk this morning, being overflown

- although not exactly 'buzzed' (!), by an incoming flight from sunny Miami, Florida

Seeing the plane, however, reminds us of a lovely holiday we took in Florida long ago, during our 3 years in the States 1982-1985, with our then very young daughters Alison (9) and Sarah (7).

flashback to 1984: Lois and me, with our two young daughters

Alison (9) and Sarah (7) on holiday in Florida, seen here at Fort Myers,

and on Sanibel Island in the Gulf of Mexico

The plane's flight is also, more urgently (!),  a salutary reminder to Lois and me to get home swiftly to see the recording of King Charles' speech yesterday to the US Congress, a tricky exercise for the old boy, no doubt about that, and also a bit of a political 'minefield', although a metaphorical one, not a physical one, hopefully!!!!

Lois and I both think Charles made a really good job of it, showing his sense of humour, and staying very much on the positive side, which was a good choice. References to Magna Carta, the rule of law, and the importance of an independent judiciary, are always good value, that's for sure. And we were heartened by all the seemingly universal standing ovations that he received, one almost every 3 minutes or so, which was a surprise, no doubt about that! And if any rogue members were refusing to stand up for them, they must have done so very unobtrusively, that's what we think!!!!

We're just a pair of 'old codgers', however, and Brit ones at that. But what did the US press make of Charles's day yesterday? This is what the New York Times said: 

 

What about the views of the ordinary American-in-the-street, however?

And today, Onion News has wheeled out three of their most experienced commentators to give us their verdict on yesterday's events, which is nice!

Enough said, I think!!!!

The whole business also reminds Lois and me today to create, and send off, a personalised Moonpig Mother's Day card to our daughter Sarah - yes, that same little 7-year-old girl on that beach in Florida, is now 48, would you believe, and living 9000 miles away, in Perth, Australia with husband Francis and their 12-year-old twins, Lily and Jessica. Our Mother's Day card to her will feature a photo of Sarah herself when she arrived last year, totally exhausted but very happy to have arrived, at our house in Liphook after the flight from Perth, more or less 'collapsed' inside our front porch - poor Sarah!!!!

And Lois and I need to "get our skates on" today, because Australia has followed the US practice, it seems, in having their Mother's Day in May, which is mad!

What a crazy world we live in !!!!

21:00 And tonight, Lois and I are back in Miami again, would you believe, not physically (!), but watching BBC TV's reality documentary on the shenanigans of the international FIFA Committee members who are allegedly "planning" the next soccer World Cup event coming up this year, and, incidentally, making a right "balls-up" of it, in our humble opinion!!!!

If only this committee would stop either agreeing with, or quarrelling with, each other! And if only they would stop trying to promote worthy causes, like so-called "sustainability", and get on with actually planning the World Cup, would be something of a step forward, Lois and I think!

This week their planning work has been side-tracked by the committee's "head of sustainability" spokesperson Sarah's on-air gaffe during a podcast, when she talked about issuing footballers with 'wooden condoms' for the duration of the Cup, a simple slip-of-the-tongue. She had meant to say something like 'biodegradable condoms and wooden [something-else]', but her slip-of-the-tongue has already 'gone viral', to-date clocking up, like, a billion 'views' - more, probably!

At today's committee meeting, however, Sarah,, sitting leftmost at the table, is defiant about her slip-of-the-tongue, stressing that she had immediately corrected herself on the podcast, which should have been enough, she claims.

The incident sparks a useful, but lengthy, debate on the wider implications of the issue, nevertheless, which is stimulating, although arguably, doesn't help the Committee to actually get on with the work of organising the actual World Cup, which is a pity!

Oh dear - Lois and I are beginning to despair! Is this World Cup ever going to take place?

Not at this rate of progress, that's for sure!!!!! Pull your finger out [Committee chairman and Head of Integrity] Ian Fletcher (veteran Downton Abbey actor Hugh Bonneville, no less!!!!) !!!!!

But what a crazy world we live in !!!!!

[That's enough madness! - Ed]

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzzzzz!!!!!

Tuesday April 28th 2026 "Heist news: will art thieves stop at nothing these days!!!"

Yes, Friends, have YOU heard about the latest daring heist in the art world? Onion News was leading on the story just this morning, but if you missed it, catch up with my "potted version" right here in my blog for today, which is exciting!

That was a bit of a shock, wasn't it! 

But with hindsight, and remembering that the paintings themselves are protected so securely these days, the theft of attendants was probably "a heist waiting to happen". But your views welcome - postcards only!!!!

And reading the story here today in semi-subtropical Liphook, Hampshire, brings an ironic smile to the lips of me and my wife Lois, that's for sure!

my wife Lois and me - a recent picture

It's weird, because today we're going to be visiting a museum ourselves, in company with some of Lois's church friends, and we're amused to find that the museum attendants, all of them in what must be very valuable "period" costume, are all "stuffed", so don't respond to questions! Either that, or the real ones have already been stolen and replaced by these counterfeits, which is mad!

Lois, here showcasing some of the museum guides in "period dress",

who we eventually realised are "stuffed" and don't respond to questions

- what madness!!!!

Despite the lack of guidance however, Lois and I have a great time at the museum, the "Milestones Museum", 25 miles away in  Basingstoke, Hampshire, a museum which illustrates daily life in the county over the centuries, and also gives us a number of valuable "photo-opportunities", which is nice, and also one thing that art-thieves can't steal, that's for sure!

Here's our arrival, when we meet fellow "old codgers" from the church, before descending the steps to view the oldy-worldly streets, shops and workplaces in the county as they looked in years gone by.

(left) we arrive at the museum and meet up with other "old codgers" from the church

for a cup of coffee, before (right) descending the steps to see the displays of 

oldy-worldy streets, shops and workplaces in the county over the centuries

Not to forget the displays of some of the quaint old posters of yesteryear, one of them advertising local events to mark Queen Victoria's diamond jubilee in 1897, with special attraction: dancing at 5:30pm (!). After which, people probably went to bed to sleep it off, after all the excitements of the day, maybe? I wonder....!

Also there's an earlier poster publicising an Act of Parliament, in George III's reign, authorising the building of a navigable canal from Basingstoke to the River Wey, which flows just about half a mile away from mine and Lois's house in Liphook, would you believe!

Whether exhausted Hampshire residents, back in 1897, opted for an early bed after the celebratory dancing, it's certainly what an exhausted Lois and me do today, when, after our extended museum visit, we finally get back home to Liphook, at the absurdly late time of 3pm in the afternoon, which is totally mad!!!!

What a crazy world we live in !!!!!

Apart from the fascinating exhibits, there have been many pluses to the day: we had a hearty fish-and-chip lunch in the museum restaurant, meaning that we can just have something light this evening. Also, it wasn't very crowded there after the inevitable early morning school visits began to peter out mid-morning, so Lois and I could wander round trying everything out, playing the vintage slot-machines and including having fun with the distorting mirrors, and remembering seaside holidays from our childhoods, which was nice.

Lois and me, having fun with the old slot-machines and the distorting mirrors

- you're seeing our second childhood, no doubt about that !!!!!

Yes, Lois and I always like to "act silly" when there's nobody around, that's for sure!

And "acting the fool" is certainly not something that former Cabinet Minister and experienced celebrity travelogue presenter Michael Portillo gets much chance to do, surrounded by, like, billions of other Tokyo train travellers on his current series about Japan, to put it mildly!!!!

On this leg of his journey, which takes him around the Tokyo, Michael pauses briefly to show us some of the madness of Shinjuku, the world's busiest railway station, and that's official!

What madness, isn't it! And very nostalgic for me, when I remember my student year in Tokyo, 1970-1971. That sensation of trying to find my connection from one line to another in Shinjuku, trying to interpret the Japanese characters on the signs, all the time being in a massive crowd of people, all walking very fast and knowing where they had to get to - it's something that will never leave me, that's for sure!

flashback to October 1970: this photo commemorates my first ever

foray into the madness of the Tokyo suburban railway system,

buying my first ever train ticket from a machine,

- little did I know, when this picture was taken, how very

bewildering it was all going to be, to put it mildly!!!!!

The Japanese are used to crowded situations, that's for sure, even in their own homes, especially if they're the mini-homes that the Japanese love, which are cheaper, and where any couple can "live in each other's pockets 24/7", no problem about that!

Tonight Michael visits one of these tiny homes.

It's basically two rooms, a kitchen / living room downstairs, and also a bedroom/bathroom upstairs, which is reached by a narrow, steep staircase. There's even extra storage in the tiny staircase, with a compartment and sliding door behind every step - what madness!!!

In the bedroom there's a nice bed, of course, but also a big sunken bath, and also facilities for making cocktails in bed. Kan's wife likes to drink plenty of cocktails, seemingly!

What's not to like haha!!!

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzz!!!!!