Wednesday October 27th 2021

A bit of a horizontal day for Lois and me. We don't get up till 10 am, for a start, although I remember to give Lois her final twice-daily squirt in her left ear: she has to have it regularly squirted with olive oil, but this afternoon she has an appointment at Specsavers Opticians in town to have a private earwax suction procedure. And we're hoping to go to bed again for another nap this afternoon after it's all over, and we can really relax.

For the last time for a while, I give Lois her squirt. The olive oil is sort of golden colour, so Lois has started calling me "The Man With The Golden Gun", which I've been taking as a compliment - call me big-headed if you like! [All right! - Ed] 

my "golden gun" lying quietly in a Danish eggcup on the dressing-table,

poised and ready for me to "shoot from the hip" haha!

an artist's impression of how a film based 

on my squirting exploits might be marketed 

11:00 After a "Danish session" on the couch we go for our usual walk on the local football field. It's the Indian girl serving today at the Whiskers Coffee Stand, so she gives us good measure as usual, which is nice. She really fills our e-mugs up to the top, bless her.

13:30 After lunch we drive into town - it doesn't sound like much of an exploit, but actually I don't think we've driven into town since the very early days of lockdowns, so well over a year. Cheltenham has a complex system of one-way streets, which we used to navigate without thinking, but we can't do that any more, that's for sure. Oh dear, we really have to concentrate to get from Prestbury to the car-park we've selected.

We haven't even used the car for 9 days - it's just been standing there in front of the house. And, to add to the general air of unease, on my part there's the usual anxiety about whether we will be able to park, and how I'm going to pay for it - what madness! We have to have a Plan B, whereby if we can't park, I'll just drop Lois off, then go home and wait for her to call me to say she's ready to come home.  

Luckily the car park has about half a dozen free spaces and, also, it takes the paybyphone app, which I already have on my phone, so I don't have to touch the ticket machine, which is a relief, to put it mildly!

But the best feeling of it all is that makes me feel like a really young person, managing to pay with my smartphone and that crazy app and all !!!! Of course I book far too long a parking slot, just to be on the safe side, but what the hell haha!!!

Lois goes off on foot to go to Specsavers. We've chosen this car park because the walk from this car park to Specsavers is unlikely to be thronged with COVID-sufferers, for extra assurance.

possible routes that Lois could take to get to Specsavers

Meanwhile I sit on my own in the car and I decide to do a bit of people-watching, but there aren't many people about, as it turns out, so I have to look at my phone instead - again, just like a young person, isn't it.

car park: the view from my driving seat

the view from my steering-wheel

14:30 Lois arrives back at the car - the suction procedure only took about 20 minutes, which is good, and it all went smoothly. Specsavers have a lot of sensible precautions in place to limit the risk to customers. And she was able to have it done in a chair - she didn't have to lie down.

Already Lois reports that she can hear so much better - and it's nice for me too. Usually I have to arrange to be on her right-hand-side for maximum audibility, but now I have a choice. The Specsavers guy says she only needs an olive-oil squirt once a month from now on, so we've got to think of a way of not forgetting that.

Lois has to have the microsuction treatment because she can't take the syringing method - it doesn't agree with her. 

That marks her off from, for example, Colin Weatherby, deputy manager of Whitbury Leisure Centre in the "Brittas Empire" sitcom, who periodically self-syringes his ears - on last night's programme he managed to flush out a couple of wood-lice, which I'm sure was a big relief to Colin - no doubt about that!

flashback to yesterday's edition of "The Brittas Empire": deputy manager

Colin Weatherby (left, emerges from the Leisure Centre toilets, 

while self-syringing his ears. He has managed to flush out 

a couple of wood-lice, which he here shows off proudly to

unpopular Leisure Centre manager Gordon Brittas (centre) and 

the Centre's weepy receptionist Carol Parkinson.

15:00 We get home and go to bed for a nap to relax after all the tension - my god! We get up at 4 pm for a cup of tea and a currant bun each on the sofa.

20:00 Lois disappears into the dining-room to take part in her sect's weekly Bible Class on zoom. I settle down on the couch and watch an old episode of the 1990's sitcom "One Foot In The Grave", all about the life of bad-tempered retiree, Victor Meldrew.

In this episode Victor has to attend some kind of eye clinic where some sort of mix-up has occurred with an elderly couple's new glasses - in this scene we see the receptionist trying to identify the problem and sort it out.

I wonder if this sort of mix-up happens more often that we think, perhaps? Many elderly people have eyesight problems, and I suppose that we all need to check we're with the right spouse and that we haven't got involved with somebody else's spouse by mistake.

Lois and I used to have our eyes tested every year, but that has fallen by the wayside in the last couple of years, because of the pandemic and us not wanting to go into town and into a shop. Luckily, however, when Lois was in Specsavers this afternoon having her ear wax "suctioned off", she booked us eye appointments for next week.

It's fortunate that the old couple in the "One Foot In The Grave" sitcom tonight realised fairly quickly, after only a few hours, that they were with the wrong spouse, so they could sort things out before there were more serious consequences, which must have been nice!

But when Lois emerges from her zoom session and we watch an old episode of "The Brittas Empire", it becomes clear that these cases of mistaken identity of spouses can have more game-changing outcomes - oh dear!

"The Brittas Empire" is another 1990's sitcom, this one centred on the life and career of Gordon Brittas, the well-meaning but unpopular manager of the Whitbury Sports and Leisure Centre. 

Episode synopsis: A pregnant cow loose in the centre eats some of [deputy manager] Colin's leaves, which speed up labour; the cow gives birth on the squash courts, assisted by a gynaecologist. [receptionist] Carole has also eaten some of the leaves, and her twins are delivered by the vet who had come to assist the bovine mother-to-be. [Gordon's wife] Helen tells [deputy manager] Laura that she is also pregnant with twins and that Brittas is the father of Carole's twins.

We learn tonight that leisure centre manager Gordon is unwittingly the father of the twins that weepy receptionist Carole unexpectedly starts giving birth to in the centre's swimming pool. 

Manager Gordon is unaware, however, that he is the father of Carole's twins. Apparently, last year there was a staff New Year's Eve fancy dress party, and both receptionist Carole and also Gordon's wife came dressed as tigers. 

Gordon has a thing about tiger skin - it's something to do with the seat covers on the first ever car he bought as a teenager, his wife thinks: it was a Hillman Imp. He must have had sex with Carole at the party thinking that she was his wife - something like that, anyway. He later told his wife it had been the best night of his life, which must have hurt her a bit !!!!

a typical tiger fancy dress costume for adults

But what a crazy world we live in !!!!!

The message is painfully obvious, however: particularly if you're elderly, but even if you're not!, always check you're with the right husband or wife: don't just take it for granted!

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzzzzz!!!!