Friday March 7th 2025 "Do YOU like to 'matchmake' with your single friends and acquaintances?"

Yes, Friends, are you one of Nature's born matchmakers?

Have YOU ever brought a couple together who subsequently enjoyed a fulfilling married life for, say, 60 years or more, "begetting", say, typically 5 children, and, for example, (as purely the matchmaker, indirectly (!)) being the person taking credit for, maybe, 30 grandchildren and 85 great-grandchildren (in round figures, or should I say "chubby little" figures???!!!) ?

If you have, it's just the best feeling, isn't it. To put it mildly!

And yes I know that being a lifelong matchmaker also has its share of problems - the local Onion News had a couple of stories just this morning - and they're becoming almost "legion" most days, aren't they.

My advice to would-be matchmakers remains the same, however - ignore the nay-sayers and persevere, it'll be worth it!

At this point I've got to hold my hand up, and make a small confession - I myself have never actually brought a couple together who went on to have a 60-year plus relationship, with all the 'trimmings': the children, the grandchildren, the great-grandchildren (and counting!).

However this morning I felt some of that matchmaker's joy - in a small way -  after successfully "pairing" my smartphone with a blue-tooth speaker, which is almost as rewarding. And it's very much a personal triumph for me because I'm not normally a "high-techie" sort of person, and I've wondered for years what "blue tooth" is all about, even, can you believe!

For months, I've been wanting to "dip my toe in the blue-tooth water", and just the other day I casually ordered a blue-tooth speaker for me and my medium-to-long-suffering wife Lois, so that we can "pump up the volume" on our smartphones. And just this morning, the said blue-tooth speaker "plopped" through our letterbox here in semi-rural Liphook, Hampshire, which was exciting!

And it took me literally only about 3 hours to find a magnifying glass to read the tiny microfont-size instructions, usefully supplied in 17 languages (!), to find "the English bit", and scratch my head repeatedly, before finally casting the tiny slip of paper aside and just pressing buttons randomly on the speaker and on my phone, till I got the magic word "paired!" come up on the screen.

Back of the net !!!!! 

Back of the net!!! I successfully "mate" my smartphone with our shiny-new

"blue-tooth" speaker and we hear jazz singer Blossom Dearie sing one of our 

favourite songs - "Someone To Watch Over Me"

I still don't know what so-called "blue tooth" is, incidentally (!), but if it works, it works, so don't knock it!

10:30 Usually, as readers of this 'column' know only too well, Lois and I spend most of our days just hobnobbing with each other 24/7 - mostly "hobbing" but with some intermittent "nobbing" thrown in. 

This morning, however, unusually, we actually have another couple of fellow old codgers Jon and Michele-with-one-L (!), dropping round for tea-and-biscuits, here in our actual house.

flashback to Wednesday: (left) I showcase the box of McVitie's

Victoria Biscuits and pack of M&S Ginger Snaps (not shown),

that I ordered from Ocado, and (right) full details of costs, weight etc

And when the talk turns, as it often does during old-codger meet-ups to "What did you do before you retired?", that our successful "blue-tooth mating experience" earlier in the morning emboldens us, when Michele-with-one-L starts talking about her job as a hospital radiographer, although Lois and I still strain a bit to follow some of her more technical details (!).

Jon is English, but Michele is from South Africa, and, as a long-standing "accent buff" I find myself getting fascinated by her vowels (!), as she gives us the technical low-down on what a hospital radiographer does. 

a typical radiographer with patient

One of the job's most important technical requirements is persuading patients to part with some of their clothes. And here the language barrier has definitely played a role. As a young South African newly arrived in the UK, Michele started asking all her male patients to "just pop into the cubicle and take off your pants, please, then come back out and get up on the bed".

Michele discovered early on, however, that her British patients were interpreting that to mean just taking off their jeans, trousers or whatever, removing their underpants and then putting their jeans back on again, and she initially believed that British men "just don't bother with wearing underwear", and routinely "go commando", as people say. Oh dear!

As you may have guessed, the reason for the confusion was that, in South Africa, "pants" means "trousers or jeans", just like it does in America, whereas in the UK and Australia "pants" means your underwear, which is what Americans and South Africans call "underpants". Confusing, isn't it, not to mention potentially embarrassing. Oh dear (again)!

Also, on first arriving in the UK, Michele says she initially had difficulties giving, or getting, directions about how you get to a certain place. People in Britain talk about "roundabouts" and "traffic lights", whereas in South Africa they call these things "circles" and "robots" respectively. Lois and I knew about "circles" meaning "roundabouts" from our 3 years in the States back in the early 1980's, but "robots" for "traffic lights" is one that's totally new to us, and to be frank, a bit weird also. To our ears, at least!

flashback to 1984: Lois and me with our two young daughters Alison (9)

and Sarah (7) touring the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia, with me

sitting on the "wrong" side of the car and driving on the "wrong" side of the road,

not to mention confidently "going round in circles", just like the natives (!)

Fortunately, however, after negotiating British men's "underpants", Michele says she found picking up the other technical details of radiography relatively easy (!). 

Lois and I follow along with Michele's description, a bit uncertainly at times, and I must admit we stumble over some of her slides and hand-outs, like this flow-chart "doozy" (!):

Looking at the hand-out later, when Michele and Jon have gone away, we're kind of getting to grips with it - we think the "special processing area" in the centre on both sides of Michele calls the "staff work core corridor", is probably where the male patients fail to take off their "pants". But drop us a postcard if you can give us more detail on that!

All in all, quite a "high tech" day for Lois and me, and, coincidentally, another story in today's Onion News underlines that. It just happens to catch our eye as we think about going to bed,  feeling a bit light-headed with all the "science stuff" we've been trying to absorb. Oh dear!

People in these parts have been laughing at Stirling's so-called "predictions" for years, but is it just possible that he could be right on this one, for once?

I wonder.... !

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzz!!!!

Thursday March 6th 2025 "Do you know the best place to turn off the A3? If you do, please tell our Satnav!"

"Exit strategies" - choosing when to make your exit. It's always a difficult choice, isn't it, even on motorways! 

And even my usually phlegmatic, medium-to-long-suffering wife Lois, who somehow manages to still live with me here in semi-rural Liphook, Hampshire (!), has noticed how stories about such motorway and major road dilemmas are filling the pages of our local Onion News at the moment - there's one this morning. 

All a bit scary isn't it!

Choosing the right moment to exit a burning building is another common dilemma, as this other local man found out: see the East Hampshire edition, page 94 for details!

You may not know me, dear Reader, but if you live locally here in semi-rural East Hampshire, you will probably know my name, often spoken in hushed tones (!). Yes, I'm that Colin, the one who's leader of the local U3A History of English group, no less!

And as for me, I'm considering my own "exit strategy", would you believe! My dilemma today is not whether, but when will be the best time for me to resign from one of this area's most prestigious roles: leader of the local U3A "History of English" group. 

I'm carrying a very heavy burden, because I also lead  the local U3A "Intermediate Danish" group, and quite frankly trying to "juggle" both of those "hats" is starting to prove one devastatingly mental load too many, as I said in my emotional email to members today. 

But we'll see - they may plead with me not to go, so watch this space!

[Stop being such a martyr, Colin - I've heard they're hoping you'll go, so that Joe can make a better job of it! - Ed]

I've got the perfect excuse now, because due to my wife Lois's current back problems I'm also temporarily officially taking over her ironing role, one of her more "pressing" responsibilities (no pun intended!).

Yes, you're talking to a busy man!

[That's not what I've heard !!! - Ed]

I iron one of my shirts, and some of Lois's nightwear (not shown)

"History of English" group leader, "Intermediate Danish" supremo, and now Ironer-in-Chief: something's got to give, hasn't it!

[You lazy bastard! - Ed]

Deciding when to sell your house - that's another "exit strategy" dilemma, isn't it. Lois and I only moved into this house in Liphook about 2 months ago, and we've never met the previous owners, apparently a guy called Peter and his "squeeze" Shirley-Ann - at least those are the names, and signatures, on the "memorandum of sale".

Now into our third month in this house, Lois and I, never having met Peter and Shirley-Ann, can't resist trying to build up a picture of them from observing how they've organised the house. 

They obviously didn't mind looking at themselves in bed, because they installed a massive wall's worth of mirrored wardrobes, something which most couples would find a bit off-putting. They also stuck a red heart on the ceiling, but for whatever reason they didn't take it with them when they moved out, whatever that means (!).

I wonder.....!

(left) flashback to October 30th, when Lois and I viewed the house

for the first time, and (right) as it is today, with mine and Lois's stylish

clothes filling the wardrobe space, and the couple's 

sweet little red heart still up there just under the ceiling . 

We've asked neighbours about Peter and Shirley-Ann, but until today we don't learn anything very helpful. And then this morning we finally get to meet neighbours from across the street Keith and Christine, the only residents in the street we haven't spoken to yet. 

And Keith and Christine say that that tour predecessors in this house, Peter and Shirley-Ann, came back to the UK last year after 4 years in Florida. They decided they just didn't like the house in Liphook any more, so they put it on the market. So presumably this house just wasn't sunny enough for them, maybe?

I wonder....! [You've done that one already! - Ed]

21:00 The master of masters of "exit strategy", however, must be Joe Stalin, don't you think? And we see an amusing film about his final "exit" this evening.

Lois and I didn't know that Stalin died after a young woman concert pianist sent him a note, saying that she'd prayed for him to go. This is the scene where Stalin finds the note, and reads it.

Poor Stalin !!!!! But it shows the power of prayer, and at least he died laughing, which is something he could be thankful for, we feel!

And there's also an amusing scene a bit later, where Stalin's cabinet come in and decide to lift him onto his bed, before jockeying for the honour of carrying the great man's head. "Stalin head-carrier" is regarded as the most prestigious role, so the honour goes eventually to the acting General Secretary . The cabinet then has to 'parcel out' which cabinet members should carry which other bit of the great man.

Fascinating stuff, isn't it!

And isn't it nice tonight to see the Fast Show / Brilliant Show's Paul Whitehouse, - a.k.a "Ted", and foreign TV news-reader Poutremos Poutra-Poutremos - showing us his more sensitive side, as well as his undeniable acting 'chops', playing Molotov, Stalin's brutal Foreign Secretary?

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzz!!!!!

Wednesday March 5th 2025 "Husbands, does your wife seldom notice your new look or your new fragrance?"

Men, do you ever complain that your wife doesn't notice when you've combed your hair, or when you've started experimenting with a different after-shave, or the like? 

It's a common 'beef' among husbands, isn't it, but certainly not one you'll hear from area man Mark Gillespie, according to Onion News Local. Did you see the headlines over the past week, just a handful of some of the bigger stories that have come out of Betty Mundy's Bottom and her bottom's  'environs' recently (!) ?

Maybe it's time to look again at YOUR wife, and see, perhaps for the first time, all the "legion" of things that she probably does for you, with "sorting out your social life" surely at the top, although maybe not completely, top of the list (!). 

And this principle goes even for men in positions of power, like Oliver Cromwell, would you believe. 

Have YOU glanced at your this month's Postscript Book Catalogue yet?

If you live in one of the UK's many large cities and towns, you probably got your March catalogue ages ago. But for me and my wife Lois, living here in sleepy, semi-rural Liphook, Hampshire, our copy only "plopped" through our letterbox a couple of days ago, so forgive me if this is all "yesterday's news" to all you 'city slickers' !!!

This is the item that caught our eye this issue:, Julian Whitehead's "Cromwell and his Women". No jokes about it maybe being 'a slim volume' by the way! And hopefully you 'city slickers' will have left a few copies for us "hicks and country bumpkins" to snap up, if and when we get around to ordering our copy, that is!!!

According to the blurb, Oliver Cromwell (1599-1658), Lord Protector of England, Scotland and Ireland during our brief experiment with republicanism, was a socially awkward man. However, he had a lot of women, and I mean a lot of women (!), to "sort out his diary" and find him republican-minded men-friends of his own age to relax with in the evenings, plus at weekends and on other days off.

Yes, a 'monstrous regiment of women', if ever there was one (!). Lois and I didn't know that Cromwell had six sisters, and that, after his marriage to Elizabeth, the couple went and had four, yes four, daughters! I'm sure there were no 'gaps' in his social diary, that's for sure! 

(left) Oliver Cromwell in bed with wife Elizabeth, listening for

suspicious sounds, and (right) with the couple's four daughters

There's no doubt, in our minds at least, that, with all those women to organise it, even his 'Lord Protector's Diary' would have been "stuffed" with neighbourhood barbecues and the like. No trips to the theatre with republican "buddies", however, we assume - didn't the Puritans ban those????

And coming back to today's world, even Yours Truly's social diary is largely "sorted" for me by my medium-to-long-suffering wife Lois, may I add! It would pretty much be a blank otherwise, to put it mildly. And on our morning walk today over Lowsley Farm, we discuss plans for Friday morning, when Lois has invited two fellow "old codgers" to coffee and biscuits.

on our morning walk today over Lowsley Farm, we discuss 

plans for Friday's coffee'n'biscuits with two local fellow 'old codgers'

Yikes! Visitors !!!! In our house !!!! And in only 2 days' time!!! Luckily Lois will be doing most of the 'heavy' preparatory work, but I've been assigned the buying of biscuits and the 'hoovering' of the house, so I'm going to be pretty busy over the next 48 hours - so don't expect me to do anything else will you!!!

excerpt from our Ocado delivery order this week - I select a box of

McVitie's Victoria Biscuits and a packet of M&S Ginger Snaps 

for our visitors: last of the big spenders, that's me (!)

Yes, Lois and I tend to 'live like pigs' most of the time, as I describe it, existing in a largely 'unhoovered' house, with only some 'unexciting' McVities Digestive Biscuits available to snack on. 

It doesn't matter, though, because Lois and I mainly hobnob with each other 24/7 - mostly hobbing with the occasional nobbing thrown in -  but we don't want our local friends and neighbours to know this, so all that's medium-to-top secret info, may I add !!!!

"Are you pulling your weight in this marriage, Colin?", I hear you cry. [Well, it's not me doing the 'crying' - I've already given up on this post and if anybody wants me I'll be 'propping up the bar' at the Dog and Duck! - Ed]. 

Well, in my defence, I do do most of the computer work hereabouts, and all of the driving now, and I do get Lois to where she wants to go and do 'things', plus I do all the 'heavy' sitting and relaxing in waiting rooms while she does those 'things', so it's not all 'beer and skittles' ! [You lazy bastard, Colin!]

I drive Lois to our doctor's surgery so she can get results of her annual blood test (left),

and we stop off at Liphook Eyecare (right) to have her new hearing-aid follow-up visit

It's all good news this morning for Lois, I'm glad to say, and she deserves good news, which is nice. It turns out that there's nothing abnormal in her blood test results, so she may be able to relax her recent strict low-sugar, low-salt diet now, plus we find out that her new hearing-aids are working just fine. 

We're both old codgers, and our hearing is not what it used to be, so our neighbours also will be glad that we won't be shouting at each other as much as we have been, which is good for our image locally - 

I'm sure they must think we're fighting all the time, when actually we're really either 'hobbing' or 'nobbing' (!), and just making a lot of noise while we're at it. 

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzzz!!!!!!