Lois and I go out for our usual walk and café visit in Malvern this morning, but I sense that we're both feeling a bit unsettled, and twitchy, self-conscious, even, and it's all about our imagined "crinkly" appearance. We're wondering if everybody doesn't seem to be looking at us a bit strangely today?
It's probably our imagination, because we're definitely feeling a bit old today, and wondering if there's any way we could improve our appearance, after reading about that marvellous local "miracle woman" Jenny Scribba, from Nob End, right here in rural Worcestershire [source: Onion News]. See article below.
Read the whole article if you have the time - it'll get you to take a good look at YOUR self in the mirror this morning, and will pay you back handsomely in the longer term - that, I can promise.
Inspiring or what? But at the same time, a bit unsettling, because I'm reminded that I myself have never really been the kind of "trophy husband" that Lois has always hankered after.
Dear reader, tell me - do you think my appearance would be improved if I used make-up? You can tell me straight, I won't be offended, honest! Lois has often remarked that if I applied a dash of colour, it would make me look "less ill", or at least "less pasty" at any rate, but I'm not sure what product to use - suggestions welcome, incidentally!!!
You've probably guessed this already, but in bed this morning, Lois and I were discussing Donald Trump, who has definitely had a lot of success in avoiding the "pasty" look by one means or other, although nobody seems to know how he's done it: until now, that is.
Because what should pop up, a-diddling and a-beeping on our smartphones under the covers this morning, but our old friend, and, incidentally, one of our favourite quora forum pundits, Jim Mowreader, with all the lowdown on Trump's beauty regime, a heretofore critically-acclaimed regime, but one that Jim turns out to be highly critical of, which is interesting, to put it mildly.
Adds Mowreader, "The stuff [Trump] is wearing is Bronx Colours’ Boosting Hydrating Concealer BHC-12.
"One of his maids spilled the beans on him; he demands to have two tubes of it at all times, one that he’s using and an unopened one for when he uses up the first. This particular breed of spackle comes in eight colours - five that are basically flesh-toned, plus orange, green and light purple. For what’s wrong with his face, orange is the right colour to use. When this was revealed, Bronx Colours almost immediately ran out of it because, for some reason, tons of people ordered it online. Most people don’t need this.
"What you’re SUPPOSED to do with it is cover the imperfections AND JUST THE IMPERFECTIONS with a light coat of colour-correcting concealer, wait till it dries, cover the colour corrector with a skin-tone-shade concealer, wait till that dries, then use skin-tone-shade foundation and setting powder over your entire face.
"What you are not supposed to do is cover your entire face with a thick layer of colour corrector and go out in public that way, but it’s what Trump does. I have been told that Trump refuses professional makeup service even when he’s going on national television. I have absolutely no idea why he doesn’t do his eye area, but he never has. And he can’t use the “well, I get spray tan (which he does) and the white parts are just where the goggles were” because a lot of spray tan places will just pick up a little product on a sponge and apply it to the places the goggles cover.
"But you’re absolutely right, he could afford professional training. He lived in New York City, where a lot of men wear makeup, and there are artists there who’ll come out to your office and teach you everything you need to know to look your best."
Fascinating stuff, isn't it! [If you say so! - Ed]
Lois and I decide to shelve discussion of Trump's make-up for now. However, it comes up again after our walk over the common this morning when we drop into the coffee-shop for a flat white and a cake.
Who knew all that about Trump and his lack of sunscreen in the past when playing the occasional game of tennis? [I expect a lot of people knew about that, Colin - Ed]
Or should I say 'the occasional game of Les Dennis', to use the latest Cockney rhyming slang (!) ?
Be that as it may, the topic makes for an animated discussion between Lois and me this morning at our coffee-shop table.
Lois has got a few suggestions this morning for make-up products I myself could use. I'm dithering a little, but I must say that my gut instinct is to say 'no' to cosmetics, at least for the time being. Even when she applied some to my eyes, not physically but using her 'image software package' thingy, as publicity for my proposed forthcoming book on Goths under my usual pen-name of Colin Lengths, the results weren't great, in my opinion.
But take a look for yourselves, and let me know.
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