Danskcolin: May 2026

Yes, Friends, have YOU ever spoken to a foreigner in their own language, and then instantly regretted it? It's happened to most of us, hasn't it - and there's a prime example of that whole 'experience' in today's local Onion News for East Hampshire, that's for sure!

Poor Alice !!!!!

Reading Alice's story today, however, here in semi-picturesque Liphook, Hampshire brings a smile to the faces of me and my wife Lois, as we prepare for the fortnightly online session of local U3A group, "Intermediate Danish for Old Codgers", the group which we jointly lead "for our sins" (!).

And, as for amassing "a complete set of Danish expletives" (!), both we, and also our members, are ahead of the game, that's for sure! Our group is currently reading together a Danish whodunnit murder mystery, "Judaskysset" (The Judas Kiss), by Danish writer Anna Grue. It's a "proper" Danish book, for Danes, and for adult Danes, at that!

The book is all about adults too, and so we're reading about the things that Danish adults do, and the things that Danish adults say, which doesn't always leave much to the imagination, to put it mildly!!!!

(above left) us on the couch, preparing for our online session, reading a murder mystery

by Danish writer Anna Grue (above, right), and below (right) us trying to bring

some order to a typically rowdy online meeting of our group of local "old codgers" (!)

It can be embarrassing at times, during our group meetings, translating into English what the people in the book are doing, or saying, ot put it mildly! And so to protect the sensibilities of some of the more straight-laced in our elderly mixed-sex group, we've developed certain euphemisms, which are a bit of a lifeline. So, when we're in session, you'll hear many a cry of "Darn!", "Bother!", "Sugar!" and "Go away, please!", and suchlike, filling the balmy East Hampshire air!!!

Today's slightly vulgar Danish new word that we have to master is "skideballe", used to describe when somebody is being severely reprimanded. It's often translated as a "bollocking", but literally means "a tubful of s*** ". Oh dear, we'll all have to wash our mouths out with soap and water after this session, no question about that!!!!!

What madness, isn't it !!!!!

And in short, this Thursday is turning into yet another busy day for Lois and me, because on top of our online Danish lesson this afternoon, Lois is also doing lots of cleaning and laundry, as well as watering her flowers and vegetables, with the current dry spell continuing.

And as for me, I've got to get online to pay a few bills, and to organise our groceries delivery for tomorrow.

Busy Busy Busy !!!! How did we ever find the time to go to work, back in the day!!!

[You lazy so-and-so, Colin! - Ed]

Looking back through history, however, it turns out that people in the past were even busier than people are today, which is a surprise (including even kings and queens would you believe!), as we find out from tonight's fascinating TV documentary about merry medieval monarch and "ideas man", Richard II (1367-1400), entitled "How To Get Ahead At Medieval Court".

Lois and I didn't know how many features of modern life were first invented by, or popularised by, good old Richard II, to put it mildly!

For starters, he popularised the habit of taking a bath at least once a month (!). During Richard's reign, for the first time since the Roman era, the bath made a bit of a comeback, largely thanks to the King. He established a kind of privy for himself, something like a Turkish bath on a little isle in the middle of the Thames, where he would luxuriate, surrounded by 2000 hand-painted tiles, with hot and cold running water gushing from taps into his bath.

And the men of Richard's court, and also the women of his court, were encouraged to do the same. Richard liked cleanliness, and insisted on it also when it came to his "staff", no question about that!

Also, Richard more or less invented the first cookbook in the English language. He wasn't the sort of king who would just gnaw on a chicken bone before casting it aside for the mastiffs - oh no! He really liked his food, and would have loved the 'nouvelle cuisine' of today, presenter Stephen Smith tells us.

And it was Richard who commissioned the first ever English cookbook, "The Forme of Cury": nothing to do with curry, incidentally - it just means "Ways of Cooking" - but kudos, Richard, for the catchy title anyway haha!

But of course haha!!!

However, "What did this Richard guy do for me, Colin?!", I hear you cry!

Well, the next time you have a sniffly nose, or you need to mop your brow, or put a knot in something to remind you not to forget something coming up in your diary, then thank Richard, because - voila! - he was the man who popularised the pocket handkerchief, or "hankie", as it's sometimes known.