Wednesday February 2nd 2022

Well, it's 02022022 today, all the two's. Does anybody remember 02022002 - I do, I was still at work then, and I had a conversation about it with my work colleague Sarah, on the previous day. 

Recall that this was a time when we were still only slowly adjusting to the fact that the year didn't start with "19.." . But, annoyingly, I can't remember anything about the day itself, which is a shame! Damn!!!! [Why did you bring it up then? - Ed]

Several blank lines then follow - oh dear! [Looks like it was a "slow news" day, to put it mildly! - Ed]

11:00 Lois and I go off for our walk round the local football field, and are we glad we did - my god! Today is not just "another day" in the history of the football field, it's the day that work started on spreading gravel on the car-park: something to tell our grandchildren about, no doubt about that!

It's a partially clear sky - there's a slight chill in the air but luckily the wind is light, and the hills look clearer than usual: or "surreal" in the original sense of the word, which wasn't "all weird" (copyright Oxford English Dictionary) but actually  "more real than real" (copyright André Breton and Pablo Picasso).

here we are, by now well into our walk - note in the background

the "surreal" hills and a flurry of activity on the car park, where 

Parish subcontractors and local volunteers, some in high-viz jackets, are hard at work

gravel spreading in the shadow of the "surreal" hills

we reserve 2 seats on the so-called "Pirie Bench"

while Parish workers and volunteers start

spreading the 30 tons of gravel that the Parish Council has ordered

work - we love it, we could watch it all day! (copyright Jerome K Jerome)

but we need to keep up our strength with 2 hot chocolates and a KitKat

(copyright us)

[That's enough copyrights!!! - Ed] 

16:00 We have 2 cups of Earl Grey tea and share a snail bun on the couch. I look at my smartphone. Lois has got a text form our 8-year-old twin granddaughters in Perth, Australia, Lily and Jessica.

This week they have started a new school year - the school year starts in February down there: what a crazy planet we live on !!!! They have a new teacher, Mr Black, and they think he's really "cool", because he's crazy about Pacman apparently - what madness !!!!!

I look at the ancient origins website to keep up with the latest caveman news. Who knew that cavemen knew exactly where to site the fireplace in their caves to minimise smoke problems?

A new Tel-Aviv University study has shown that cavemen always put their fireplace in the least smoky place in the cave.

Not as stupid as they look, were they, those cavemen haha!

a typical caveman family - most popular baby names most years

were Ugg and Zog [copyright Thinkbabynames.com]

[I've warned you already about too many copyrights! - Ed]

17:00 Lois is listening to the news in the kitchen. She says that the new 600 ft. wind turbines are so powerful that just one revolution will power a house like ours for a whole day, according to wired.co.uk

My god! If there's one thing we aren't short of in this country is wind, coming off the Atlantic or coming off the North Sea. We're soon going to be "quids in" in this country - and all the foreign guys will be wanting some of our wind - my god (again) !!!!

I foresee prosperous times a-coming!!!!

The bad news is that more Tories have turned against Boris, over this stupid "parties" row. They're still saying that Boris is himself becoming an issue and he's "getting in the way" of work to solve other problems. But he's only become an issue because these Tories have made him one. What madness !!!!!

Keep going, Boris - ignore your critics! Lois and I are 100% behind you, and we're the important people here haha!

20:00 Lois disappears into the dining-room to take part in her sect's weekly Bible Class on zoom.

I settle down on the couch and watch yesterday's programme in the reality TV series "Toast in Tinseltown", where cameras monitor the progress of London West End theatre star, Steven Toast, as he tries to make it big in Hollywood.

It sounds weird but an extraordinary accident in tonight's programme could work to Toast's advantage in the longer run. Despite his "James Mason" voice, Toast has been signed up to star in a western, but he has zero experience of the genre: I think he was chosen purely on the basis of his romcom work on the London stage.

Nevertheless Toast has more of his legendary good fortune tonight: he's actually stranded, for real, out in the real desert outside Los Angeles, near some actual Wild West-style settlements, where he's left more or less to his own devices to try and find his way back to the big city.

It's a complicated story - I'll try to explain, or as much of it as I can understand, anyway! 

En route to the film set for his new western film, Toast's personal trailer is cut adrift and he winds up in a saloon in the middle of the desert, where a crazy, scary character called Barney and his even crazier, scarier girlfriend Gypsy, pressure Toast into roaming the area in search of a crazy snake-hunter guy, Rusty Halloween: 

crazy Barney (right) pressures Toast into roaming the desert

in search of another crazy character, the snake-hunter Rusty Halloween

Toast accept the mission, I suspect for the "experience" more than anything,

but the canteen that Gypsy has filled for him is clearly inadequate 

for a 4 hour journey over the desert - what madness !!!

Toast has to find this guy Halloween and hand his pet goldfish over to him - thankfully the goldfish can be transported perfectly safely: it's in a plastic bag filled with water, which is a relief!

Well, what a surprising turn of events! But Toast accepts the mission with his usual aplomb - I think it's all good background for Toast for when he stars in his upcoming western, and he seems to appreciate that, which is nice.

We see Toast wandering the desert and we think there's no way he's ever going to find Halloween and get his pet goldfish back to him, when suddenly Toast stumbles upon a one-horse town called "Gaping Hole", population 5. The population includes Sheriff Baker, 'Old Timer' Bill, 'Doc' Brown (not sure if he's fully qualified, but I'm going to let that one slide for now!), and, last but not least,  'Wildcat' Lil.

Gaping Hole is just a one-horse town, with a relatively

small population, who all know each other

We don't see Sheriff Baker, incidentally - he's currently in Sweden attending some international conference. Toast learns about this almost accidentally, from 'Diamond' Lil, who he comes across taking a bath in his hotel room.

Toast finds 'Diamond' Lil taking a bath in his hotel room

It looks like the expedition is going to have a happy ending for Toast, and that's true in general although there are some hiccups: Toast gives Rusty his pet goldfish back, but there isn't any food left in Gaping Hole, so the two men decide to eat it, which is a pity. 

in a poignant scene Rusty Halloween (left) 

shares his pet goldfish meal with Toast

Oh, and Toast gets his arm bitten off by a tiger that's escaped from Rusty's zoo. Even this injury has a silver lining, though, because 'Wildcat' Lil is provoked into having sex with Toast - she says she's never had sex with a one-armed man before, apart from with Sheriff Baker, who's in Sweden and can't be with her just at the moment.

So there we have it. Toast eventually winds up back in Hollywood, with his bitten-off arm having been kept fresh on the journey in a solar-powered mini-fridge.

Isn't it wonderful what they can do with technology these days!

21:00 Lois emerges from her sect's Bible Class zoom session. She says the members are talking about Rev Richard Coles, the ex-Communards keyboardist popstar who is now the so-called "TV Vicar". Members were laughing a little about Coles's appearance on the popular Saturday night game show "The Wheel", which Lois and I never watch. 

Apparently Rev. Coles was asked to pick out the intruder in a list of the 10 plagues of Egypt, and he confidently picked out "lice", which he said wasn't one of the plagues - but it's actually plague no. 3.

Lois says that sect members were talking very scornfully about this mistake during the sect's zoom session tonight, especially as Coles defended himself by saying that the Bible was written a long time ago, and he couldn't be expected to know anything very much about it. 

Oh dear! Lois's fellow-sect members all know the Bible backwards needless to say!!!!

The correct answer is, of course, drought - which was not one of the plagues. Oh dear (again) !!!!

Poor Richard !!!!!!!

But what a crazy world we live in !!!!!!

flashback to the 1980's: Richard Coles (left) seen here in happier times,

 as keyboard player in the pop group The Communards 

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzzz!!!!!