Another day of problems for me - my second this week, would you believe! But, having read the latest highlights from Onion News, I can at least take comfort from the fact that there's always somebody somewhere worse off than yourself, isn't there, and that that simple realisation can be such a comfort when times are hard!
And in this part of Worcestershire, it seems to be local man Doug Belson, of Upper Wick, who has all the real headaches, according to this sensitively-written report.
UPPER WICK, WORCESTERSHIRE —Expressing the sadness they feel for the beleaguered man and his incomprehensible plight, friends, family, and acquaintances of area man Doug Belson confirmed Wednesday that he is the only person in the world who has problems.
Reports indicate the 34-year-old account manager, who has suffered from this unique affliction for most of his life, is entirely alone in experiencing such phenomena, which from time to time cause him to be unhappy and prevent his life from going as smoothly as he would like.
“It’s hard to understand, but for some reason things don’t go
Doug’s way 100 percent of the time. It’s just so tragic,” said coworker
Elizabeth Waite, explaining that she, like everyone on earth aside from Belson,
has never encountered an unexpected situation that interfered with her pursuit
of a desired outcome. “And it’s not just that he’s had one or two of these
problems. He’s had quite a few. Like the other day he was stuck in traffic and
had to just sit there, trapped, even though he had someplace he needed to be.
Can you imagine what that must have felt like?”
When reading this report, I noted with particular interest that Belson had even been having problems with the office printer - and I can't imagine how he must have been feeling! It's fortunate that Belson has a sympathetic boss, Peter Banks, who happened to witness Belson's traumas for himself.
“Last week, I saw Doug using the office printer, and it was actually malfunctioning on him right before a meeting—it took me a while to even figure out what was going on, because I had no idea something like that could happen,” said Peter Banks, Belson’s supervisor at work.
“After that, I
thought, ‘My God, this poor man. Look at this obstacle in his way he has to
overcome. How terrible.’ Ever since, I’ve been stopping by his desk just to pat
him on the back and ask if there’s anything I can do to help him out.”
Poor Doug !!!!!
And malfunctioning printers have the obvious potential to affect people's private lives and even their relationships. Studies have repeatedly shown that users of high-performance printers have fewer problems navigating the ups and downs of relationships.
Look at local woman Stephanie Duquette, who was able to use one of the best printers around, the 600DPI HP DesignJet printer available for use by customers of the local branch of Copy Express, just round the corner from here in Doppler Road.
BELL END, WORCESTERSHIRE –Stephanie Duquette's break-up with
boyfriend Chris Strange was made easier Sunday with an array of colourful charts,
graphs, and other visual aids from Copy Express, a Malvern-area copy shop.
"When Stephanie came in looking for a way to make
her dumping of Chris more effective and memorable, I was more than happy to
help," said Copy Express assistant manager Debbie Saldana. "Using our
state-of-the-art laser printers, film scanners, Canon CLC 1120 colour copiers,
and top-notch computer software, Stephanie was able to provide Chris with a
clear, eye-catching presentation of his failings as a boyfriend."
Duquette, 20, broke up with Strange, her boyfriend of two years, late Sunday evening, using the visual aids to concisely communicate to him just how unhappy she had been during the last six months of their relationship.
"I needed to express my desire to see other people, but I didn't want it to turn into some huge argument about whose fault it was and whether my actions where fair," Duquette said. "I knew Chris was going to have a lot of questions, and that's when I got out this professionally bound report with the peek-through title '10 Reasons Why I Want Out.'"
Duquette also praised Copy Express for its ability to produce the needed visual aids to a challenging deadline.
Duquette's major complaints about Strange —including his failure to spend enough time with her, his frequent unemployment, and his steadily increasing weight—were presented to him on attractive, photo-quality colour 24"x36" posters printed on Copy Express' brand-new 600DPI HP DesignJet printer.
"I said, 'See this line graph, Chris?'" Duquette recalled. "'It clearly shows how my interest in you plummeted after I began taking night classes to learn French. These multi-coloured lines represent the appeal of some of the other guys in my class. As you can see, the green line representing Steve is a full two inches higher than the blue one representing you.'"
10:00 It's ten o'clock Wednesday morning and I'm sitting here in the kitchen, which, for Lois and me functions from time to time also as our dining-room, laundry room, office and printer room. And I'm reflecting on these recent stories about the highs and lows of owning a printer.
Sarah and husband Francis and their twin daughters moved back to the UK earlier this year after 7 years in Australia, and they are currently living temporarily in a rental home in Alcester.
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