Danskcolin: Sunday December 3rd 2023

08:00 Lois and I are still in bed, discussing the problems you can have when you're trying to increase world population by conceiving a baby, or two like we did, or more than two, like some people do.

Getting pregnant isn't always easy.

Did you see that story on the Onion News yesterday about that couple in North Piddle, Tim and Caroline, who have been considering IVF as an option?

NORTH PIDDLE, WORCESTERSHIRE —Visiting a fertility clinic in the hopes of finally having the family they always wanted, local couple Tim and Caroline Stonker told reporters Thursday they had turned to in-vitro fertilization after struggling to have octuplets.

“We’ve tried for years with no success, so at this point, our best chance of conceiving eight children at the same time is IVF,” said Caroline Stonker, adding that last year she thought her dream had at last come true, but during a visit to her ob-gyn [obstetrician-gynaecologist], an ultrasound showed she was only carrying triplets, a revelation that deeply upset the 39-year-old mother of 17.

“I know I could just adopt eight kids of the same age, but I’ve always wanted the experience of being pregnant with eight babies simultaneously and then delivering them, one after another, with the labour stretching on for days. The truth is, ever since I was a little girl, I’ve known I wanted to be an "octomum" someday.”

At press time, a distraught Stonker confirmed she was seeking an abortion after accidentally becoming pregnant with septuplets.

Isn't it amazing what science can do to help couples realise their dreams nowadays!

11:00 Yes, incredibly, people are still having babies. And baby talk is also very much in the air this morning after Lois and I take a nasty drive from our new-build Malvern home, through the sleet, or "wintry showers", as they call it now, to Tewkesbury this morning so that Lois can attend her church's Sunday Morning Meeting.

We arrive but we have to tiptoe inside at the back of the hall, because the Bible Hour is still in progress: James, this week's visiting preacher, is presenting his slides in English, but also simultaneously in Farsi, for the benefit of the large contingent of Iranian Christian refugees that the denomination has attracted.

As Lois and I arrive, we have to tiptoe into the hall from the

back, because the Bible Hour is still in progress: James, today's

visiting preacher (ringed) is showcasing his bilingual English/Farsi slides

Visiting preacher James (left) and this week's president,

Chief Elder Andy. On the big screen are visiting preacher

James's bilingual English and Farsi slides.

The atmosphere in the Village Hall where the church holds its services is distinctly icy - only from the temperature viewpoint, luckily! The hall's caretaker has obviously not put the radiators on early enough and they're only just beginning to warm up.

And I make a personal contribution to people's comfort today by reminding Chief Elder Andy (seen sitting to preacher's left in the above photo) that there are two portable electric plug-in fan-heaters in the cupboards at the back - and Andy acts on that information immediately - he gets the heaters out and deploys them, which is nice!

I sit next to Lois and try to keep warm. However,

I do remind Chief Elder Andy about the 2 plug-in

portable heaters in the cupboards - heaters which

he's obviously forgotten about.

What madness !!!!

After a few minutes the lunch break starts and Lois and I eat our packed lunches. Just in front of us is the visiting preacher's wife Molly, a tallish woman with a lovely cheeky face [not shown] - same height as me, so probably 5'10" or 5'll".

And during the lunch break chat sessions we soon find out that Molly is heavily pregnant. She's due to pop the baby next month, and we're not surprised, given her "shape" [not shown] !

the lunch break: back view of Molly (foreground, in the sleeveless puffer jacket

and mini-skirt), the wife of James, this week's visiting preacher.

Molly is heavily pregnant and due to "pop" next month.

Background: a muffled-up Lois talking to David (centre, by the platform)

It's very much a case of exciting times for James today's preacher and his pregnant wife Molly, and Lois and I can feel that there's a certain buzz in the hall today, no doubt about that!

We want to ask Molly how her pregnancy's been going so far, and whether she's heard of the so-called Dobson Plan, developed locally by local mum Hailey in the village of Bell End. Did you read about that one, I wonder?

BELL END, WORCESTERSHIRE —Noting that it was a critical time for development, local woman Hailey Dobson told reporters Monday she was playing lots of Mozart during her pregnancy in the hope of making her husband smarter.

“I know the science is iffy, but I want to make sure I’m doing everything I possibly can,” said Dobson, who held a pair of headphones to her spouse’s ears as she monitored him for any sign he felt or heard the music.

“Hmm, I can’t tell if he’s reacting to it. Even gaining a few IQ points would be major. Of course, that’s not hugely important, since I’ll love him no matter how he turns out. Still, though, wouldn’t it be exciting if he became a doctor or a lawyer one day?”

At press time, Dobson was seen wiping tears from her eyes in response to her husband twitching during Piano Concerto No. 9.

Fascinating stuff, though, isn't it!!!!!

So - maybe 7 or 8 babies due in North Piddle, and another one in Bell End. No wonder they're calling Worcestershire "The County of Love" at the moment!

It's not the first time that Worcestershire has been in the spotlight for this kind of malarkey either. Remember that Steve Miller hit song of a few years ago, "The Joker (The County of Love)" (1973) ?

The Steve Miller Band (parts of)

Yes, Worcestershire, the "County of Love" - they need to start putting that on the road-signs, instead of those awful, apologetic "Sorry about the Sauce" signs, which are just embarrassing in my view - why not be positive about your home county for heavens sake haha!

[That's enough whimsy! - Ed]

14:00 Lois and I drive home to Malvern just in time for our nap, which is nice.

And this afternoon we go to bed very excited, no doubt about that. Today is the last day of our back-garden being in its "semi-raw" state, because tomorrow, Adrian, our friendly local landscaper, and his brother, are coming to realise our vision of a "yin and yang" extravaganza, and all that kind of malarkey.

And Adrian starts early, so we'll both have to be up and dressed by 8 am tomorrow morning, that's for sure. My goodness, yes!

Our back-garden is small, admittedly - maybe 20 ft x 20ft -ish (?), not counting the patio, like all the back gardens in this new-build housing estate. But an imaginative landscaper can still work wonders, no doubt about that.

our frosty back garden as it looks today

the vision for our 'yin and yang' back garden - curvy and seductive

on the left (yin) and straight and business-y (yang) on the right

Do you remember the utter transformation - there's no other word for it - that local landscapers achieved in our neighbour Lawrence's back garden a couple of months ago?

BEFORE: our neighbour Lawrence's back garden

before local landscapers started work

AFTER: our neighbour Lawrence's back garden as it looks today:

also shown: local landscapers, working hard on one of the

newly forested areas in Lawrence's new back garden

You might be thinking that Lawrence has been a bit over-ambitious, judging by the above photos, but he's even had some additional new features created since then, would you believe - what he calls his "finishing touches". There's just no stopping that young guy, and Lois and I just love his youthful ambition.

Lawrence's "new old" faux Greek temple

The neighbours all said it couldn't be done, but look: Lawrence's

shiny-new herd of wildebeest, imported from Africa, pictured here

with the lovely 700-million-year-old Malvern Hills in the background

Well, we'll have to see. If Lois and I can just recreate half the grandeur of young Lawrence's back garden, we'll be more than satisfied - let's just leave it at that, shall we?

[Yes, please do! - Ed]

21:00 We go to bed on Episode 2 of the new sitcom "Such Brave Girls" on BBC3.

This new sitcom is all about chirpy divorced mum Deb and her laconic new lover Dev, whose attempts at building a new relationship are continually being interrupted by Deb's miserable two teenage daughters.