Monday January 1st 2024

13:30 Do you remember that Dorset hillside that has a tall chalk figure carved in it, the so-called "rude one"? You know which one I mean, don't you.

Well, according to a new bombshell study from Oxford University, back in the 8th century AD a big 200 ft tall rude man carved in chalk was a Dark Ages sign for an army "meeting point" or "muster station". 

the Cerne Abbas Giant, carved into a chalk hillside

in Dorset was an Army Meeting Point 1300 years ago

- what madness !!!!!

Who knew that? Well, it's true, as reported on the Guardian website, an article which Steve, my American brother-in-law, has just shared with me today.

Nowadays of course, a simple sign like this one at Aldershot, seems to suffice. But you see, people can read nowadays, can't they. Got that? So in those crazy times, the idea of having a drawing of a big 200 ft tall rude man, that you can see for miles around, is all starting to make a lot of sense now isn't it!

the modern equivalent of the Cerne Abbas Giant

- a nice welcome sign, telling soldiers where to go

The Oxford University study reports the latest dating for the site, based on the examination of sediment and snail-shells in the soil, placing it in the Dark Ages of Anglo-Saxon England.

And it's thought now that the chalk giant was probably a vital sign for welcoming Anglo-Saxon soldiers coming to join the English Army at a time when this whole area was being attacked by Viking warriors. Remember that the very earliest encounter that the English had with the Vikings was at nearby Portland, Dorset, when a bunch of Viking ships came into the harbour, in 789AD. 

The local reeve tried to persuade these Vikings to pay Portland's harbour tax, but the Vikings were notoriously tight with money, weren't they. And they decided to just kill the reeve, thereby saving a whole heap of cash, and then went off with a bunch of English maidens. 

That makes sense in a sort of way too doesn't it!

"What was a reeve?", I hear you cry. Well,  the "reeve" was just an early incarnation of a "sheriff". Sheriff = "shire reeve" i.e. "the county reeve". Geddit?

a typical Anglo-Saxon reeve, an early form of sheriff

So, those Vikings got away without paying the harbour tax. But did they also avoid paying the "maiden tax", I wonder? 

Well, the Anglo-Saxon Chronicle isn't specific on this point. My guess is that the Vikings said, "Look, lads, we're in a bunch of trouble already, having killed the reeve and defaulted on the harbour tax, why don't we just get out of here and when we get back to Denmark maybe put a cheque in the post for the harbour tax and the maiden tax." 

But who knows? These were the Dark Ages after all, weren't they.

flashback to 789AD: the English watch in alarm, as a bunch of Viking

ships arrive from Denmark, and proceed to murder the reeve

and carry off a few maidens: all without paying any tax,

which was a bit cheeky, wasn't it - be fair!

14:00 A text comes in from our daughter Alison who lives in Headley, Hampshire with husband Ed and their 3 teenage children. Lois and I often say that people know they're getting old when they see their grandchildren learning to drive, And so it proves!

Our first grandchild, Josie (17) has been taking driving lessons, and hopefully she'll be able to drive herself to school in a few weeks if she passes her test. My goodness !!!

our youngest grandchild Josie (17), is learning

to drive: she took a practice drive to her school

near Guildford, Surrey today with her

dad, our son-in-law Ed in the passenger-seat.

Later this year, this event will be a double blessing for our daughter Alison, who's Josie's mother. At the moment she spends a lot of time ferrying her 3 children to and from school and to and from other events at weekends or in the evenings. If Josie passes her test and drives herself to school, she can also take with her her sister Rosalind (15), who'll hopefully be starting at the same school in September.

Don't kids grow up fast these days. Look at our little Josie learning to drive already! It seems like only yesterday that she was born, in the Royal Surrey County Hospital in Guildford.

Do you remember that day?

Flashback to 2006: Alison with little Josie on the day she was born....

Awwwwww!!!!!

...and the day after - now 1 day old. Awwwwww (again) !!!!!

Yes, it's all good news for Josie's parents now isn't it, having a third person in the family able to drive a car! 

Or is it....!  

And I know what you're all thinking about - yes that article in The Onion by humorous columnist Roger Dudek, the article that "went viral" exactly 11 years ago this Wednesday!

How's that for a father's lament!!!! And before you read on, let me give you a bit of helpful background information here - in the US the driving age is ONLY SIXTEEN! I think you can see now why Dudek is so concerned about his twin daughters, can't you !!!!

And if you're not already a regular reader of Dudek's humorous column, here's a bit of background on the guy.

And if you're a publisher why not snap up his memoirs before somebody else does!

That poor guy !!!!!!

19:30 Lois and I wind down on the couch with a fascinating part 1 of a new documentary series "Wild Scandinavia".

A fascinating start to the series, with spectacular visual sequences. 

Lois and I didn't know that the shoals of Atlantic herring that seek shelter in Norwegian fjords are sometimes as large as 3 billion strong. Imagine that - seeing 3 billion herring all swimming together! You and I can imagine that and then go on to think about something else maybe, but I can see that to the local orca and humpback whales, it's their wildest fantasy come true - "food unlimited". My goodness!!!

Did you know, however, that orca and humpback whales have totally different ways of eating herring? The orca like to eat herring one at a time and really savour them, whereas humpback whales like to open their mouths wide and "hoover up" catering packs of the herring, hundreds maybe, all in one mouthful?

Yes, the orca are the gourmets of the Norwegian herring-eating scene. They like to "corral" a bunch of herring, drive them to the surface, stun them with their flippers, and then eat the unconscious fish one at a time. All the time the orca have to hope that they'll be lucky and not attract a bunch of soulless, boorish humpback whales in the process, because the humpbacks will just wolf down hundreds of the herring in a second.

a typical bunch of orca arrive, looking forward

to feasting on a shoal of Atlantic herring

And that's also why orca looking for a quiet, undisturbed "herring feast" will often target trawlers, catching the herring that fall out of the trawlermen's nets or off the deck of the trawler. Pickings are slim, but this puts off the boorish humpbacks, so the "gourmet" orca can feed in peace, really savour each herring, and maybe discuss each one with their fellow orcas in their strange sub-sonar voices - who knows?

See? It's beginning to make a lot of sense now, isn't it!

And don't you just love that Swedish-born actress Rebecca Ferguson's intonation, when she does the voice-overs? She speaks the commentary in ordinary English intonation generally, but as soon as she encounters a Scandinavian place-name, like for example Lo-fot-en (as in the Lofoten Islands) she pronounces it in a slow sing-song-y kind of a way, that's just darling! What a woman! 

Do you think Rebecca would agree to have regular phone-calls with me, just so I can hear her voice? No funny business!!!!

[You must be crazy if you think a lovely Swedish woman like Rebecca Ferguson would be interested in talking to an ageing stick-insect like you, Colin! - Ed]

And the controversy of the competing orca vs. humpback styles of eating herring raises a much wider question, doesn't it. 

What's the best way to eat peas? Is it better to squash a few on the back of your fork or to "scoop up" a big bunch of the bastards on the front of your fork?

I suspect that that guy who coined the bon mot "Peas is good food" would have something to say about that issue. But who was that guy? My dear sister Kathy told me about him years ago, but I can't remember - was he ex-US-military? I think I should be told, don't you? I'd like to submit his name to the people who publish "Bartletts Familiar Quotations", because so far the guy's bon mot has been a notable omission from their reference works, as I expect you've noticed!

Fascinating stuff !!!!!

21:00 Lois and I get ready for bed with an interesting fly-on-the-wall TV reality documentary about the everyday lives of ageing 1980's pop-singing brothers Gary and Martin Kemp, ex-members of the pop group Spandau Ballet.

It's totally absorbing to see this fly-on-the-wall documentary about the Kemp brothers, ex of Spandau Ballet, but at the same time also a bit sad in a way. 

It's sad to see Gary and Martin constantly bickering and trying to do each other down, for example in the murky business of "who's going to get the knighthood in King Charles's new year's honours list", a typically shabby and demeaning struggle between the two siblings.

Their manager has been working hard to improve the guys' waning profile in the pop business, engineering a merger with Francis Rossi of Status Quo, to form the "supergroup" Spandau Quo. And not only that, but this morning he's got some especially good news for the boys.

Yes, there's an email come in from Buckingham Palace, no less !!!!

And apparently King Charles wants one of the boys' names down on the list of prospective knighthoods on his first ever New Year's Honours lists, and he's sent the invitation letter to the boys' manager. 

Alan Cumming [the ageing Scottish actor - Ed] has sent his invitation back to the Palace, so now there's an empty slot, which the King wants to fill as a matter of urgency. 

But which of the two brothers is the King earmarking for the award - is it Gary or is it Martin? There's a bit of a cliff-hanger moment now, until John, the guys' manager, announces the King's choice.

Martin's brother Gary is understandably not happy about the King's' decision.

But are Lois and I alone in feeling that there's something a little unedifying about the brothers' squabbling here?

Later, however, it's heart-warming to see Gary apologising to his brother for making a fuss, saying that he's genuinely pleased that Martin has been offered the award. 

The two men's manager, John, sounds a note of caution, however. 

He says that some artists might feel it's not very cool to accept a knighthood. And he explains, "It's just that Knight of the British Empire (KBE) is a bit of a poisoned chalice these days, isn't it. I mean nobody wants to be seen as a white guy who loves Empire. That's why [ageing Madness lead singer] Suggs turned his down. You want to reach a new audience, don't you? And with one of you being part of the 'Establishment', it might make you seem a bit of out of touch. I mean the British Empire built this whole country on the back of slavery, pillage and child labour.

"But if you can live with the fallout, then crack on!"

Disappointed brother Gary reinforces their manager's verdict, that knighthoods just aren't "cool". And Martin is reluctantly forced to agree. He certainly doesn't want to end up being "cancelled" so, persuaded by the two men's grim verdict, Martin gives way and asks John their manager to write to the Palace, turning the award down.

End of story? Well, not quite. 

When the New Year's Honours List is eventually revealed, it turns out that, after Martin turned his knighthood down, his brother Gary accepted a knighthood in his place, as the two men find out when they turn on their TV.

Uh-oh! I sense there's going to be an argument now!

However, Lois and I find it simply riveting to watch these fly-on-the-wall documentaries. You certainly find out what REALLY goes on when celebrities get together with their friends and families, don't you, and it's "warts and all" time again, isn't it, to put it mildly!!!!

Fascinating stuff !!!!!

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzz!!!!!!!

Sunday December 31st 2023

08:00 Well, I expect you saw, it's been an interesting 24 hours on the quora forum website, which Lois and I monitor when we're in bed, and on which we give each other appropriate "heads ups", not to mention the breathless "Just in..." announcements for breaking news.

And look at what's just popped up this morning as we lie here - how's this for a real "doozy" !!!!

What a great question! And we're delighted to see that one of our favourite pundits on the quora website, ex-matinée idol Matt Riggsby, has stepped up to answer it.

Riggsby says, " If you go far enough back into history, you’ll see that people didn’t have a strong enough grasp of geography to be able to divide the world into the continents we know today. There was no sense that there were an Africa, a Europe, and an Asia which were demarcated territories requiring names.

"In the case of Africa, what happened is that various regions of Africa had or got their own local names, names in local languages as well as foreign versions corresponding to things like Egypt, Mauritania, Sudan, and so on. “Africa” was originally just a vague chunk of North Africa west of Egypt."

However, "Africa" was not a particularly well-defined region, Matt says, and so later on, when new areas were explored farther south Europeans found it natural to name each new region as being part of Africa as well. Eventually, the name was used to refer to the entire land mass south of the Mediterranean.

And the weird thing was that the exact same thing happened with "Asia", originally just a small part of what is now Turkey. The term "Asia" eventually evolved to describe the whole continent, as more and more of its exotic lands were discovered by Europeans.

Who knew!!!!!!!

the days when "Africa" and "Asia" were quite 

tiny places in the grand scheme of things,

not much bigger than Britain, when you think about it!

Fascinating stuff, isn't it! [If you say so! - Ed]

10:30 Fortified by this extra knowledge, I drive Lois to her church's Sunday Morning Meeting at Ashchurch, just outside Tewkesbury, picking up church-member Brother David on the way. We can't go the usual way because the road past Warner's Supermarket in Upton-upon-Severn is still closed because of flooding. What a crazy planet we live on !!!!

When we arrive at the Village Hall where Lois's church services are held, I can tell immediately that they've got some problem with the heating in the hall, because it feels absolutely freezing when we step inside. Fortunately Lois offers to make me a cup of coffee, to warm me up.

Brrrr!!!! It's freezing when we arrive extra early at the Village Hall,

but Lois kindly offers to warm me up with a hot coffee.

There are actually two meetings held here each and every Sunday: first the "Bible Hour", which is targeted at new or prospective church-members, followed by the communion service. Usually Lois just wants me to get her there for the second of these two meetings, but today, because we're giving a lift to David, she feels we have to attend both, for David's sake. Ah! So that's why it feels even colder than it usually does, because the so-called "heating" "hasn't got going yet".

What madness !!!!!

I keep my coat on for the duration, as a precaution. For some reason I've forgotten to wear a scarf today - damn! 

I don't know what the Iranian Christian refugee contingent here in the village hall today must feel like, coming, as they do, from an actual hot country - my goodness!!! You know about hot countries don't you - I expect you've been to one at some stage in your life - go on, admit it!!!!

Today's preacher, Brother Richard, is down to give both talks, both the "Bible Hour" lecture and the exhortation, with a lunch break in between. 

Lois has made us each a packed lunch for the interval, which is nice. I don't know what the matter is with my concentration, but after each of Richard's talks I couldn't really tell you much about what he has been saying, but that could be because of the cold temperature in the room. I think the second talk was, topically, about New Year's Resolutions that Richard thought church members could profitably make.  But don't quote me on that - oh dear!

During the lunch break, we discover that it's also Preacher Richard's 80th birthday today, and Chief Elder Andy presents him with a birthday cake.

Chief Elder Andy presents this week's preacher

Brother Richard with a birthday cake to mark his 80th birthday.

Later Andy offers pieces of cake to the congregation - there are actually about 3 cakes in all. This is one of them, with bite-size portions for each of the letters in the "Happy Birthday":

one of the 3 birthday cakes that members of the congregation

have made for Richard's 80th birthday.

When Andy offers me a piece, I raise a weak laugh by saying "Can I have a 'P' please, Andy?", a jokey reference to the catchphrase from the 1980's kids TV letters game, "Blockbusters". Luckily Andy is just about old enough to remember the 1980's - although they say that if you remember the 80's you probably weren't there, don't they.  [Isn't that the 60's shurely?! - Ed]

Being 80 sounds really old, though, doesn't it. And it's a shock for Lois and me to remember that we ourselves will be turning 80 in just 3 years' time, "if we're spared", as Lois's dad Dennis used to say.

Yikes !!!!

Do you remember Paul Simon's lyrics to his song "Old Friends", about two old men passing a cold winter's day by sitting together on a park bench?

Well, if it's "strange to be 70", it must be even stranger to be 80, that's for sure. But now, "being 70" sounds very young to Lois and me, and so the same process may happen to us all over again "if we're spared". What madness !!!! 

flashback to 2016 in warm Australia: Lois's 70th birthday

on the 33rd floor of the revolving 'C' Restaurant, Perth WA

flashback to 2016 in cold England: Lois and I celebrate

my 70th birthday at the Danish Invader pub with its

unusual Viking-shaped pub sign, in Stamford, Leicestershire: 

The town of Stamford, where I celebrated my 70th birthday, was one of the original "Five Boroughs" of the Danelaw jurisdiction, founded in the 9th century AD, each borough having been the headquarters of one of the five Danish armies that had invaded England.

flashback to the 9th century AD: a map showing the position 

of the Borough of Stamford in the Danelaw, a separate jurisdiction 

from the Anglo-Saxon kingdoms of Mercia, Wessex etc,

the borderline being the old Roman road, Watling Street

[That's enough about the Danelaw! - Ed]

14:00 We drive home and get back into bed for our afternoon nap. Don't worry, Brother David is no longer with us by this stage - we remembered to drop him off at Ryall on our way back. We're not that forgetful haha!

Nevertheless Lois and I can't disguise the fact that we are both 77 now [Couldn't you just try a bit harder to do that! - Ed] and we're only just about coping with a bare minimal proportion of our duties.

[I'll be the judge of that! - Ed] 

But is 83 too old to be a queen? Lois and I also monitor the Danish media, something we started to do when our daughter Alison and her family were living in Copenhagen from 2012 to 2018. And here's the bombshell report today on tabloid Danish news website Ekstra Bladet.

Queen Margrethe II of Denmark has abdicated

in favour of her son Crown Prince Frederik and

his Australian wife Mary, born in Hobart, Tasmania

Queen Margrethe simply cited age and health factors.

We notice that the "crisis expert" consulted by this Danish tabloid news website comments that it's always a good time to announce these things when things are generally quiet, and people can't start poking about for imagined "reasons and motives", and saying things like, "Oh dear, she's abdicating because of such-and-such crisis or such-and-such scandal or such-and-such fiasco" etc, which Lois and I agree is probably always for the best. It stops those busybody tongues wagging pretty effectively, doesn't it.

Continental monarchs tend to do abdications, but our British ones don't do it normally, and certainly not because of age. Our late Queen Elizabeth saw her job as a job for life, and was determined to stick with it for the duration, i.e. till she was 96, as it turned out. 

I think only the queen's uncle, the uncrowned Edward VIII, has ever done an abdication as such, but then he was forced into it really when Parliament wouldn't accept his marriage to a divorcee. 

What crazy times they were!!!!

Ah yes, our dear former Queen, gone but not forgotten. And her portrait still looks down on us every Sunday when we're in the Village Hall for one of Lois's church meetings.

the portrait of our dear former Queen still looks down on us

in the Village Hall, where Lois's church holds its services.

20:30 Lois and I wind down on the couch with "Men Up", Friday's dramatized story of the development of the drug Viagra in the 1990's. We didn't know, but apparently early trials of the drug took place in the UK, in Swansea in South Wales. 

Who knew that?  [I expect a lot of people knew that! - Ed]

An interesting drama, following the stories of 5 of the men who took part in these trials in 1994, 4 years before the drug was officially approved for use. 

To start with, Lois and I mix up the five men taking part and can't remember whose is which problem. [No surprise there! - Ed]. Eventually we manage to sort them out, however, and these are our "takeaways".

Left to right: (1) widower Colin who's met a woman online but is scared to meet her, because of fears of impotence and thinking he's not good-looking enough, (2) a gay man (name?) who gets chucked off the trials when researchers discover that he's gay [??? Surely this was the 1990's wasn't it???? - Ed], (3) Meurig (crazy name, crazy guy!) whose young wife has had a mastectomy, (4) a suicidal man (name?) and (5) an Asian man (name?) whose marriage is on the rocks anyway. I think that's it. Sue me if I've forgotten something haha!

And there's a nice comic touch to the way the five stories are told, which is heart-warming.

Widower Colin has so far only spoken to his online date-match, widow Teresa, by phone, and so far she's only been able to help him with his crossword puzzles - they've never actually met in person.

So far, this conversation is disappointing to Lois and me. After all, it's clearly not a cryptic crossword, so no kudos in us trying to beat Theresa to the punch with the answers, is there haha!

Uh-oh! And wouldn't you know it, Teresa tells Colin she has always liked the word "tumescent", the way it "turns and rolls in the mouth", she says. 

That's interesting that the programme's producers must have been keen enough on realism to produce an actual crossword with a lot of suggestive words in it, in the local paper, the "South Wales Post". That must have been fun in itself. What a pity the BBC didn't ask Lois and me to help out on that one - we'd have liked that:  damn!

Anyway, as you can see, Teresa is super-keen to meet up with Colin in person, but he's nervous because of fears of impotence, and the worry that he's "not good-looking enough".

He decides to sign up for the Viagra trials at Swansea's Morriston Hospital, however, and eventually the two ageing love-birds do meet up, which is nice. She agrees to go to his lonely Welsh cottage to have dinner with him.

A bit uncertain about what to say to each other, Colin and Tereasa have dinner exchanging awkward compliments, until Teresa makes some suggestions for the rest of the evening.

Yes, "dive straight in" is referring to doing the crossword in the South Wales Post, needless to say, what else haha! And yes, after they finish the crossword, and only after that, they do go to bed, in case you're wondering [not shown].

It's the most tremendous fun, and all done in the best possible taste !!!!!! [That's not what I heard! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzzzz!!!