Thursday August 20th 2026 "Been on 'the cruise' of a lifetime lately? And if yes, did anything go wrong?"

Yes, Friends, have YOU been on the cruise of a lifetime recently. Maybe you've been on more than one! They're certainly any "big cruise" is "big news" at the moment, what with it being August and peak holiday time - in my neck of the woods, anyway, dominating the headlines in today's Onion News, which is solid proof, if any proof were needed!!!!

At least, however, this morning's shock headlines are bringing the briefest hint of a smile to the faces of me and my wife Lois, here in leafy Liphook, Hampshire, which is a nice surprise!

my wife Lois and me - a recently discovered archive picture

And our somewhat unusual smiles today are occasioned today by the fortnightly, and always rowdy (!),  online meeting of the local U3A "Intermediate Danish for Old Codgers" group, which we lead "for our sins" (!!!). 

us trying to control another rowdy online meeting of the local U3A

online "Intermediate Danish for Old Codgers" group,

which we lead "for our sins" (!!!!!!)

During our online meeting today, Lois and I learn that one of our members, Jeanette, the only one of our number who is genuinely Danish, is going to be missing one of our September meetings because she'll be on a Saga cruise steaming up the Norwegian coast trapped in a boatload of other "old codgers", which sounds horrendous!!!!

(left) Jeanette, our group's only genuine Danish member, pictured on holiday

in Australia, and (right) publicity material for a typical "old codger" Saga cruise

And after the meeting is over, and Lois and I are clearing away our tea-cups (!), Jeanette's news brings a lively debate between us on whether we ourselves are now old enough to take a Saga cruise, maybe up a river somewhere, to avoid poor Lois's unfortunately legendary tendency to get sea-sick (!). Your views welcome!!!!

As you remember, mine and Lois's interest in the Intermediate Danish language stems from the 7 years (2012 to 2018) when our daughter Alison, plus husband Edward and their 3 kids Josie, Rosalind and Isaac were living in Copenhagen, during which time Lois and I visited the family multiple times.

flashback to June 2017, during one of mine and Lois's

many visits to see our daughter Alison and family in Copenhagen 

In that picture, our grandson Isaac was just 6 years old, but today that "little lad" is a young man of 16, and, as today dawns, he's been waiting anxiously for news of his GCSE results, like thousands of other youngsters nationwide, and I'm happy to report he got some excellent results (one '9', one '8' and five '7's - whatever that means but sounds good!), bless him! And when the new school year begins, next month, he'll be well on course to take his chosen A-Level subjects of Mandarin Chinese, Politics and Ancient Civilisations, no less, with visits to China galore, we suspect !!!!

(centre right) our grandson Isaac (ringed), now 16, at his mum Alison's 51st

birthday celebrations last week, and (below) Isaac, rightmost, with 

classmates, opening their GCSE results outside their local school, here in Liphook

Kudos, Isaac! All that hard work has definitely paid off, which is nice! You're on your way!!!!

So, all in all, a celebratory day for our family, and Lois and I, "Liphook's busiest-looking retired couple", as neighbours have dubbed us (!), are in celebratory mood as we take our morning walk over the "hallowed, but parched" turf of local soccer heroes Liphook United today. 

Having got seriously out of condition during the past month, due to the repeated heatwaves, Lois and I are "treading carefully" (no pun intended!!!) by taking a few preliminary straightforward 4000-step walks, with the object of gradually getting back a rudimentary level of fitness, so fingers crossed !!!!!

Lois and me this morning, making one of our few public appearances this week,

(left) inspecting the local "Old Codgers Bowling Club" and (right) 

the "hallowed but parched" turf of local soccer heroes Liphook United

The team's legendary Recreation Ground and its adjoining "old codgers" bowling green, both have a quiet, rather neglected, air this morning, with all the excitement generated by the team's "near-promising" start to the season, having calmed down to an extent which is nice! 

"The lads", as these local soccer heroes are known, now being occasionally semi-actively managed by former club legends Steve Harding and Ash Sharp, are currently said to be "languishing" at a comfortable 7th place in the prestigious Hampshire Premier League (Seniors) table, which is encouraging, to put it mildly!

A promising start to the season, with Liphook United "languishing" in the coveted no.7 spot, under

the management of club legends Steve Harding (above, right) and Ash Sharp [not shown]

Go Liphook! Go United !!!!! Ra, ra, ra haha!!!

"The lads" are also known as "the tigers of the Hampshire Premier League Senior Division", but truth be told they're not actual tigers - it's just a metaphor, so no need to get worried haha!!!!

(left) "the lads" of Liphook United, dubbed "the tigers of the Hampshire

Premier League Senior Division, and (right) some actual tigers

Yes, "tigers" here is just a metaphor, and, as luck would have it, Lois and I get a bit of a lecture on metaphors today from poet Jack Underwood, when we tune into BBC Radio 4, which is a bit of a coincidence, to put it mildly!

Underwood says that if you find yourself in need of a metaphor - maybe you're writing a speech or finishing off your latest blog-post (!) - he is willing to become a "metaphor consultant"|, and he will think of a fresh new metaphor for you, for a small fee, which sounds like good news!

One of our common metaphors is to talk of the future as being "ahead of us". And "going forward" is the annoying modern phrase for "in the future". By contrast, we refer to the past as being "behind us", which is kind of neat, expressing our idea of life as some kind of a journey.

However, Lois and I didn't know that this particular set of metaphors isn't universal. There are apparently some peoples in the world that express it the opposite way. The Aymara people of South America, for example, think of the past as being in front of them, because they've lived it and can "see it", whereas the future is being them, because they haven't lived it and so can't "see it". 

the Aymara people of South America, marching boldly, 

with all their past history "in front of them" (!)

Metaphors aren't just a poetic way of describing things, we hear this afternoon. They can also influence how we feel about things. Reading articles headlined "The Battle Against Climate Change" or "The War Against Climate apparently give us a greater sense of urgency than, say, "The Race Against Climate Change". 

"the race against climate change" vs. "the war against climate change"

- which one is the more serious crisis haha!!!!

In the early days of what we now call "artificial intelligence", the software was named various things before "AI" was settled on, as being the ideal way of suggesting that something similar to human ways of thinking was involved in it, and so be somehow more acceptable. And the more recent introduction of AI results beginning "I think...", "I believe..." etc makes these bits of software seem even more human than before. These little tentative, thoughtful interjections weren't there at the beginning of AI, we hear today, but introduced at a later point.

a typical AI "bot" preparing his response by automatically trawling the internet

Metaphors aren't neutral, either, and they can be 'weaponised'. It's possible to use metaphors in an insidious way, referencing unpleasant animals or even diseases maybe, to speak of developments that the speaker personally doesn't like - for example, if the arrival of migrants is insidiously made to seem like the introduction of parasites that are going to eat us so-called 'natives' alive, and from the inside, which is total madness!!!! 

Oh dear!!!! Something else to watch out for, and beware of - yikes !!!!

But fascinating stuff, isn't it !!!!

[If you say so! - Ed]

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzz!!!!!

Wednesday August 19th 2026 "Friends, have YOU got angry with YOUR computer today?!!!"

Yes, Friends, have YOU got angry with YOUR computer at any point so far today - maybe MORE than once, may I venture to suggest!!!!

Well, here's some words of comfort for you. Today is apparently just "one of those days" when all the world's computers seem to have got fed up with the way they are being treated, and have all been "acting up". And there's like a billion stories about it in today's Onion News, if you want chapter and verse: and those "sampled" below are from just one page - page 94, which is mad!!!

Yikes!! But these "scare stories" are just bringing more laughter to the faces of me and my wife Lois today, here in semi-idyllic Liphook, Hampshire - no question about that!

my wife Lois and me - a recent picture

We've been learning all about computers and their silly little ways, thanks to an article on The Guardian website, recommended to us by Steve, our American brother-in-law, which has taught us 18 newly-coined words, and made us sit up and think, "Why do we even bother with computers?!!!"

And if YOU don't know what a "dickover" is, or what "baggravation" or "botiquette" entail, perhaps YOU should take a look, and maybe "wise up" a little, along the way!!!!

It turns out that a "dickover", a word coined in May by tech writer John Gruber, denotes a "pop-up" screen presented by a website or app, which "deliberately obscures its own content to frustrate the user".

And "Baggravation", for example, may happen to you at the supermarket, when you're trying to self-checkout, and the machine won't recognise a light purchase, or gets annoyed with a slightly overweight bakery item, or makes you call an assistant over if you're buying some Calpol for your child's pain relief, to check that you're suitable ancient (!).  

(left) a supermarket shopper suffering from "baggravation" over a slightly overweight

bakery item, and (right) a computer-user suffering from acute "botiquette",

after being asked by his computer to buy something it's heard him talk about with friends

What a crazy world we live in !!!!

The plus side, however, that our English language is currently being enriched by a bunch of new expressive words, such as "dickover" and  "baggravation" (see above!), and also other "doozies" such as "loginsanity", where your phone suggests a "strong password" which your laptop doesn't know about, leaving you to recall a string of ampersands and semi-colons, which is mad! 

a typical sufferer from "loginsanity" (!)

All these new words are a kind of poetry in their own right, however, just waiting for a 21st century poet to bundle them up for us in a nice lyrical extravaganza, no doubt about that! And if you have time, why not write your own "ultra-modernist" poem and send it to me - postcards only!!!!

A hundred years ago, however, computers didn't really exist, and poets were forced to write about the beauty of nature and that kind of "malarkey", as Lois and I are reminded today when we make one of our rare public appearances this week, would you believe! And the occasions is that we're visiting the museum in nearby Petersfield, Hampshire, in the former old County Police Station and County Courthouse, to see a special exhibition of artworks by our soon-to-be-relative, local artist Flora Twirt, which is nice!

(left) we drive the 10 miles or so from Liphook to Petersfield, to drop in

at the local museum in the former County Police Station and County Courthouse,

which is nice!

Our visit to the museum today is occasioned by the fact that local artist Flora Twort (1893-1985), who's the subject of a special exhibition this summer at the Petersfield Museum. Flora is soon going to become a relative of ours by marriage, which is totally weird! 

Flora apparently had a first cousin who was the great-grandfather of the young Anglo-American woman, Rosanna, who next month is going to be marrying the daughter of my sister Gill in Ipswich, a wedding which Lois and I are hoping to attend, all being well, so watch this space!!!

Lois and me visiting the special Flora Twort exhibition: (bottom right) Flora's

painting of Petersfield's lively market day in the square by Flora's cottage 

two prints of Flora's work that we come away with, bought at the museum's souvenir-shop

Also, during our visit, we learn about Flora's friend and noted fellow-artist Stanley Spencer (1891-1959), who ("small world" time!) was invited to paint a bunch of murals on the walls of the little village hall in the village of Steep outside Petersfield, where Lois's church meets every Sunday, would you believe! Spencer drew some preliminary sketches for the job, apparently, and he may even have given them a "quote", but he never turned up to doing the actual paintings, which was a pity!

the village hall outside Petersfield, Hampshire, where 

Lois's church holds its meetings every Sunday morning:

noted artist Stanley Spencer was commissioned to

paint a set of murals, but never turned up to do the job (!)

That's artists for you, though, isn't it - a little bit "away with the fairies" (!), and difficult to "pin down" when you want them to come and do a particular job on a particular day - very much like handymen, roof-repairers, gutter-cleaners etc etc, you name it haha! 

Also at the museum today, Lois and I learn about the young poet Edward Thomas (1878-1917), who lived at Steep just outside Petersfield from 1906 to 1916, after which he decided to join the army in the midst of World War I, sadly dying the following year at the Battle of Arras in northern France. And Lois comes away with a book about Thomas, which she bought at the Edward Thomas centre adjoining Petersfield Museum.

Thomas famously became a great friend of American poet Robert Frost during his time in England before World War I, and each man was instrumental in the other man taking up poetry. 

Their long country walks together in England inspired Frost to write his work "The Road Not Taken", which was apparently the poem which made Thomas eventually decide to join the British Army, taking him to France, and leading to his death in France in 1917.

(bottom left) Lois showcasing the book about poet Edward Thomas, and (bottom right)

the poem "The Road Not Taken" by Thomas's friend, American poet Robert Frost,

the poem which inspired Thomas to join the Army, but leading to his death in France in 1917

When Thomas eventually joined the Army, in 1916, he was assigned to the unit known as the "Artists Rifles", which sounds like a Woody Allen joke about the Army's "least feared unit" (!), but it was apparently an actual "thing", as the curator of the Edward Thomas Centre (he in the dark-blue sweatshirt and glasses in the picture above) explains to Lois and me this morning.

members of the Army's World War One "Artists Rifles"

The Army, in its wisdom, apparently created a special unit for all the artists and writers who had joined up. Special use was made of these creative men, exploiting their ability to "think outside the box", and harnessing their writing and observational skills, involving them in strategy think-tanks, as well as the sending back of battle reports etc etc. Others assigned to the unit included poet Wilfrid Owen, and playwright Noel Coward.

Who knew!!!!!

[I expect a lot of people knew that, Colin! - Ed]

All in all, it's a fascinating visit for us this morning, and Lois and I even find time afterwards to grab a quick brunch at Josie's Restaurant across the street, grabbing an iced coffee and an American breakfast each - scrambled egg, bacon, little potatoes, and pancakes with maple syrup. Yum yum, what's not to like!!!!

After our busy morning, Lois and I somehow find time for a quick brunch

across the street, at Josie's: 2 iced coffees and 2 American breakfasts - yum yum! 

20:00 And there's more good news for Lois and me this evening, as we settle down on the couch to listen to an interesting BBC Radio 4 programme about crime stats. It's the first programme in a series of three, compiled and presented by BBC Home Affairs Editor Mark Easton. 

And the good news is that both (1) violent crime and (2) crime against property have decreased by 80% over the last 30 years, despite what you read in the papers, which is a comfort!

The data this encouraging conclusions come from are based on the Crime Survey for England and Wales (CSEW), which is similar to the National Crime Victimisation Survey in the US. It's a large-scale research study that asks large samples of the population directly about their experiences with crime, including unreported crime, in preference to using police statistics, which are notoriously unreliable.

The downward trend in these two major categories of crime - violence against the person, and thefts against property - is that both are down by around 80% over 30 years - the trend starting around 1995, and continuing ever since, although the reduction is now slowing.

You wouldn't know about this good news from the newspapers, however, or from social media websites, or from politicians interested in scaring us about "societal breakdown". Scary crime-stories and carefully selected "stats" sell newspapers, and get "clicks" on social media websites. Psychologists say that human beings have a "negativity bias", which may have worked in evolutionary terms in alerting our primitive ancestors to danger, improving survival rates.

However, many politicians play on our fears that "society is breaking down", when they must know that it actually isn't! In a recent survey, 56% of supporters of Nigel Farage's Reform Party "firmly believe" that crime figures are going up, compared to only 25% of Green Party supporters, for example.

What a crazy country we live in !!!!!

But exactly why has crime been going down? That'll be the subject of next week's programme in the series, although a "spoiler" at the end of tonight's edition suggests one factor to be, that we've been making it much much more difficult to steal things. So watch this space!

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzz!!!!!!!

Tuesday August 18th 2026 "Aren't 'couples' just SO annoying?! Always hogging the headlines these days!!!!"

Yes, Friends, do YOU find couples are getting more and more annoying these days - thinking they're so clever and glamorous, cleverer and more glamourous than everybody else - what madness!!!!

I counted, like, 300 headlines about couples today, in our copy of Onion News, and that was just on page 94, would you believe!!!!

Sickening, isn't it!!! But, weirdly, the stories bring an awkward smile to the faces of me and my wife Lois, "lapping them up" here in semi-edgy Liphook, Hampshire, no question about that!

my wife Lois and me - some recent pictures

Neighbours have warned us that, in our desire to justify our locally-famous "moniker" of "Liphook's busiest-looking retired couple", we've been neglecting to show proof of our other accolade - sometimes totally forgetting that we were several months ago dubbed "East Hampshire's Most Glamourous Retired Couple" by readers of "East Hampshire Glamour Magazine" - oops !!!!

Yes oops! Our bad!!!!

And today, Lois and I set about trying to restore our now rather faded-looking 'most glamourous' title by planning a few public appearances to scotch the rumours, and, hopefully, silence the doubters and the nay-sayers, and hopefully also some of the "moaning Minnies", who think we're so-called "past it", would you believe!!!!

Some of the pictures that earned us that coveted "most glamourous" title (!):

all dressed up, and "ready to party like it's 1999" - Lois and me,

getting ready for a night on the town on New Millennium Eve, 1999

And today, Lois and I decided to waste no more time before "upping our game", and doing it "in spades", that's for sure !!!

An appearance tomorrow at an exhibition of prints by local artist Flora Twort in nearby Petersfield is now firmly "on the calendar" for starters, and should start the ball rollling! Then, with hopefully local press interest duly awoken, we're planning to follow that up with an appearance next Tuesday at Beacon Hill's iconic Adriano's Italian Restaurant for our 54th wedding anniversary, which is mad (!). 

(above) Petersfield Museum's exhibition of works by local artist Flora Twort

 where we plan to "drop by" tomorrow, and (below) flashback to June 2025:

we dine at Beacon Hill's Adriano's Italian Restaurant for Lois's 79th birthday

And, after our anniversary is "done and dusted", the icing on the cake (no pun intended!!!) will be an appearance at Haslemere Hall for local community theatre workshop's staging of Andrew Lloyd Webber's sparkling 1968 musical "Joseph's Technicolour Dreamcoat". 

Better don your sun-glassses - our own "technicolour" glamour (no pun intended !!!) is starting to show its face again, no doubt about that!!!!!

I have to add, however, that, on top of earning us "brownie points" on the glamour pages of local paper The Liphook Herald, these appearances will also "tick numerous boxes" on mine and Lois's personal "walk down memory lane", which is nice!

The exhibition of artworks by local artist Flora Twort (1893-1985) is a reminder that, next month, Lois and I will officially become posthumous relatives of Flora, when my niece Lucy will be marrying Flora's cousin's great-granddaughter Rosanna (if I've got that right!!!) in a ceremony in Ipswich, Suffolk, which we will hopefully be attending.

flashback to May: Lois and me on a visit to see my sister Gill in Ipswich, (left)

dining with Gill's daughter Lucy and her fiancee Rosanna at a local Turkish restaurant

And our guest appearance next week at the local "Imagine That!" production of "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat" is a reminder that we first saw a performance of this musical back in the early 1980's, during our 3-year stay in the US, at a little community theatre in Ellicott City, Maryland. 

flashback to the early 1980's: (left) Lois and me with our daughters Alison and Sarah,

during our 3-year stay in the US, seen here touring Virginia's Blue Ridge Mountains,

and (right) the community theatre in Ellicott City, Maryland, where we first saw "Joseph"

Also, many years later, in 1991, I took our daughter Sarah to see a performance of the musical at the London Palladium, starring Aussie soap-star Jason Donovan, a role which he reprised for our late Queen Elizabeth's Platinum Jubilee, back in 2022. 

(above) flashback to 1991: the London Palladium production of "Joseph..."

starring Aussie soap-star Jason Donovan which I took our daughter Sara to see,

and (below) Donovan reprising the role for the Queen's Platinum Jubilee (2022)

Happy days!!!!

So, for Lois and me - the local press's latest "glamour couple" - is Liphook starting to look like too small a stage for us? Is it perhaps going to be a case of "Liphook today, Hollywood tomorrow!", maybe?

I wonder.....!

[Get real, Colin! - Ed]

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzz!!!!!

Monday August 17th 2026 "Friends, when did YOU last eat a piece of fruit? Well, why not eat one now!!!"

 Yes, Friends, when did YOU last eat a piece of fruit? If more than half an hour, better think about maybe "topping up" with another one, and do it quick!

Fruit is dominating the headlines today - take Onion News, which has 3 "fruity" headlines on page 94 alone, if I'm not very much mistaken!!!!

And today's increasingly dominant obsession with fruit brings a unhealthily sensuous smile to the lips of me and my wife Lois, here in semi-attractive Liphook, Hampshire - that's for sure!

my wife Lois and me - a recent picture

You see, today is yet another unusually busy day for us, would you believe! With temperatures slightly cooler, we shop for fruit and other essentials in Liphook's flagship Sainsbury's Supermarket, and later spend a "fruity" afternoon in bed with handfuls of blackberries each for use in "statutory nap-time", an experience which somehow suddenly feels way more comfortable today, after the recent succession of torrid heatwaves!

And on top of all that, we somehow find time to squeeze in a 4000-step walk over the "hallowed, but parched turf" of local soccer giants Liphook United, which is mad (!), even stopping to pick tubs of blackberries in the bushes along the way! 

Lois and I are both seriously out of shape, stuck in the house day after day recently, because of all this summer's heatwaves, so we're starting a programme of increasing our daily step-count "one step at a time", as people say. So it'll be a 4001-step walk tomorrow (!). And if you know a local walk that length, send us a postcard giving details, maps, places to stop for a coffee and doughnut: all the relevant "gen", if you please haha!!!

another busy day, with temperatures at last starting to cool: (above, centre) 

shopping for fruit in Liphook's flagship Sainsbury's Supermarket, 

and (below) doing a 4000-step walk over the "hallowed but parched turf"  

of local soccer giants Liphook United - what madness, isn't it!

No wonder neighbours have dubbed us "Liphook's busiest-looking retired couple", a title which we earn "in spades" today - no question about that!!!! And our "super-fruity" day is climaxed at 6pm, when those freshly-picked blackberries come in very handy at tea-time, with dessert a gorgeous mix of blackberry and apple with yoghurt - yum yum, what's not to like haha!

There's even a fruit question on tonight's Only Connect, our favourite TV quiz, which tests lateral thinking. Can you spot the connection between these 4 seemingly unrelated "things"?

I think you've guessed this one already, haven't you, with the benefit of my "heavy hint" above! Am I right? Or am I right!

Yes these are each an expression of a fruit with a letter "y" on the end: very satisfactory ("peachy"), American slang for British person ("limey"), upper-class accent ("plummy") and ostensible author" of "A Series of Unfortunate Events" ("Lemony Snicket"). Simples !!!!!

Here's a more difficult one for you, however - from the programme's "Sequences Round". Can YOU name the fourth element in this sequence?

Yes, of course! It's "most numbers of Nobel Prizes won by individual countries, in ascending order", with an example given for each.

The missing 4th element is the USA and the programme chooses Linus Pauling as the US example, given that he's one of the only two Nobel recipients to have won more than one prize: in both chemistry and peace. The only other double-recipient was Marie Curie, who got both the physics and the chemistry prize, which are "almost the same thing", as programme-presenter Victoria Coren-Mitchell points out (!).

 

Victoria Coren Mitchell goes on to tell us some of the numbers: France (79 prizes), Germany (116), UK (145), and then she asks the teams to guess the number for the US:

Poor Donald!!!

And, on the subject of politics, Victoria uses a question about wartime UK Prime Ministers to acquaint the programme's viewers with another "fun fact".

Poor Liz !!!!!!!

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzzz!!!!!!!