Friday December 27th 2024 "Boxing Day's over - has that 'reality' sunk in yet with YOU haha?!"

Dear friend, do you ever get one of those days when "reality sinks in", and all the fantasies start to crumble. There's a lot of it about today, the day after Boxing Day, and plenty in the pages of the Onion News West Worcestershire print edition, that "plopped" through our letterbox this morning, let me tell you!

There's even some reality "sinking in" in the local plumbing trade (no pun intended!). Did you see the "comment" pages, with this characteristically hard-hitting "slice of life" broadside from popular local plumber Lyle Chester from the picturesque Worcestershire village of Nob End.

[That's enough Onion News stories! - Ed]

It always somehow hurts when reality "strikes", though, doesn't it! Ouch!

And that sensation happens today to me and my medium-to-long-suffering wife Lois, quite suddenly, mid-morning today Friday. Yes, ouch (again) !!!!

me and my medium-to-long-suffering wife Lois: suddenly 

this morning - reality sinks in and "hits home", even!

Although we've had "January 2nd" ringed on our calendar as "moving day", it didn't seem real to us - after us, it's "not till next year" now, is it!

Wrong!!!! It's actually next week as well, which suddenly sounds a lot closer, doesn't it! Yikes !!!! 

Not only that, but mid-morning, our estate-agents ring us. The advert for our house on "went live" on the worldwide web on Boxing Day, the day which, surprisingly, estate-agency insiders say is actually the biggest day of the year in terms of house-hunting enquiries. Who knew? Not only that but they've got 2 customers wanting a viewing tomorrow (Saturday). 

local estate-agent Richard (right), who's going to try selling our house in Malvern,

seen here with his two willing helpers Kelly and young Tom

And, after lunch, this bombshell news finally "sinks in", and catapults Lois and me (not literally!) into an unplanned shower before our afternoon nap. Even our daughter Alison and husband Ed have seen the ad, and they're on a skiing holiday in Austria with their 3 teenage offspring. And it's all thanks to the wonders of the Worldwide Web. 

What a crazy world we live in !!!!!

even our daughter Alison, husband Ed, and three teenage offspring Josie (18), 

Rosalind (16) and Isaac (14), on a skiing holiday in Austria, have seen our  house-ad 

on "Rightmove" or some such nonsense (!) - all thanks to the magic of the internet.

What madness !!!!!!

Lois and I won't have time, now, to shower tomorrow morning, plus, we don't want the bathroom looking like a couple has just had a shower in it, if you know what I mean.

And when we're getting into bed this afternoon after our shower, I look out of the window casually, and I see what looks like a "drive-by viewing" - a big car cruising up and down on the street outside, faces turned our way, which I suspect is some prospective buyers "checking us out". 

Yikes (again) !!!!! It's house-move madness, I tell you !!!!!

Even our movers, GB Liners, send us some "Do not remove" stickers in the post today, so it's all true - their big van must be coming to get our stuff next Thursday!!!! 

We're planning to stick a "do not remove" label on our washing-machine, which we're leaving for the next owners. It's not much good, and it will cost us to have it "plumbed out", so why not? We're all heart haha!

But yes, the move - yes, it's really going to happen!!! What utter utter utter utter madness !!!!

[That's enough madness for one day! - Ed]

21:00 And "reality" strikes home and "sinks in" again this evening, would you believe! Not for Lois and me, though - we're excited, now, about tomorrow's house-viewings, and also excited about the pub lunch we've booked so that we can be safely "out of the way" when it all the viewing-madness happens (!).

No, tonight, it's reality striking home for one of our favourite sitcom characters, "Compo" Simmonite.

Reality strikes home tonight for sitcom character "Compo" Simmonite, 

seen here with his long-term 'love interest', next door neighbour Nora Batty

You see, Lois and I are winding down for bed tonight with another episode of the world's longest-running sitcom "Last of the Summer Wine". It's that series all about the adventures of three old codgers, "Compo", "Foggy" and "Cleggie" in a Yorkshire village, old codgers with nothing better to do than wander the village streets and cafés, and the surrounding dales. 

Sound familiar (?) haha!

Reality strikes for Compo tonight, because he's at last beginning to realise that his long-term love-interest, neighbour Nora Batty, seems immune to his once-legendary seductive powers, as we see him complaining to "Cleggie" and "Foggy" in this scene, deep in the Yorkshire dales:

Poor Compo !!!!!

At this moment, Compo's friend "Cleggie" attempts to cheer Compo up with some consoling thoughts.

Poor Cleggie !!!!!!

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzzz!!!!!

Thursday December 26th 2024 "Sign of the times: yet ANOTHER ghost train service cut!"

Oh dear, sign of the times (!): yet another "Ghost Train Service Cancelled" headline! 

Did you not see it? It was in the Daily Mail of course, but for more detail, check out this sensitive report from those hard-working local "journos" working on the Onion News's local West Worcestershire desk.

And it's a special pity today in these parts, because of the nasty foggy day we're having - with weathermen saying "There's more to come" tonight.

For those of you planning to take the service tonight, I would say "Don't bother!" And for your info, here are full details of the Hereafter Regional Line (HRL) service that's being axed:

And my medium-to-long-suffering wife Lois and I were busy re-thinking our day today, because of today's heavy fog. 

We had planned to do another of our "history walks" round the nearby parish of Hanley, while we're still living in the area: our projected date for leaving Malvern and moving into a house in Liphook, Hampshire, 130 or so miles away, is currently scheduled for January 2nd. Yikes !!!!

our planned move from Malvern, Worcestershire to this house

in Liphook, Hampshire to be nearer our daughter Alison and family

In the end, however, because of the fog and the poor visibility today, we decide to skip the "history walk" and do our of our favourite walks down by the playing fields of prestigious private boarding school Malvern College, where once CS Lewis, TV quiz "University Challenge" presenter Jeremy "Paxo" Paxman, TV's "Mr Gardening" Monty Don, ex-CIA chief James Angleton, and other luminaries would have played rugby in their schooldays - probably not at the same time, although that would have been a great "watch", wouldn't it, to put it mildly!

famous alumni of prestigious local private boarding school, Malvern College, 

seen here in their "youths" [Can I say 'in their youths'?- Colin;  No! -Ed] 

(left to right) writer CS Lewis: former CIA chief James Angleton; TV journalist 

and quiz presenter Jeremy "Paxo" Paxman; and TV's "Mr Gardening", Monty Don

And there's no rugby going on in those playing fields today, just a scrappy mixed hockey game - during the morning, the fog lifts enough to see the goals at each end. I don't know much about sport, or the rules of hockey or any other sport, but I'm guessing that being able to see the goals at each end of the field must give hockey players a massive advantage (????). If I'm wrong, do let me know (postcards only (!))

our walk today in foggy Malvern: (left to right) us at the gates of prestigious local private

school Malvern College; hockey match; and a quiet, deserted rugby field

It's the Boxing Day holiday today, and we're having a second day off from house-moving preparations, 

12:00 We have a rerun of yesterday's Christmas lunch, and then go upstairs, and, as a token contribution towards the preparations, however, we collect all our, like, billions of unused greetings cards together in one place. We can't decide which drawer or cupboard to put them in - we'll have to leave that "toughie" for tomorrow now - mustn't overtax ourselves, after all haha, and bed is calling us for "nap time", so time to "down tools", if that's the right expression (!).

a rerun of yesterday's Christmas lunch, and then, before getting into bed, 

we do a bit of minimal work to "finally sort out our unused greetings cards"

- we're such hard workers haha!!!

20:00 Evening falls and we wind down for bed by seeing a couple of films: Lois's choice tonight.

These aren't really my choice of viewing, but Lois likes this kind of thing. I think I do a lot of dozing during both films, but one thing strikes me as impressive about the private girls' boarding school that Matilda goes to, in this imaginative film adaptation of Roald Dahl's classic tale.

"What was it that struck you, Colin?", I hear you cry! [Not me, I've gone for a lie-down! - Ed]

Well, seeing as how you're "gagging" to know, I'll tell you! What strikes me immediately is Matilda's school's motto, which is "No Snivelling!"

"No Snivelling!" Isn't that just great? 

I went to two rather "poncey" schools in my childhood, both founded in the 16th century, and both of which had "poncey", allegedly humorous, puns in their mottos or school badges. 

Bristol Grammar School's motto was "Ex Spinis Uvas" (English: "Grapes out of thorns", a punning reference to the names of the school's two founders, wealthy 16th century Bristol merchants Robert and Nicholas Thorne. And Manchester Grammar School had owl-badges on the school blazers, a reference to that school's founder,  a bishop called Hugh Oldham (Oldham, or in 16th century pronunciation "Owldom": geddit????).

flashback to 1957: me (back row, 2nd from right) in my first year of grammar school,

at Manchester, with my class 1-gamma classmates and our teacher, Mr Snook,

all boys wearing their school blazers with owls emblazoned on the left-hand pocket

(left) a close-up of me in my school photo, and (right)

the owl badge that we all had to wear on our school caps

- what a madness it all was !!!!

And the whole issue has left me with a bit of a dilemma. Should I now write to the two schools' current headmasters and suggest "No Snivelling" as their future motto(s)?

I wonder.....!

Will this do?

[Oh, just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzz!!!!!

Wednesday December 25th 2024 "Gifts are getting 'smarter', aren't they! But can WE keep up with THEM - talking point (!)"

Here's a real "stinker" of a question for you today, Friends, and something of a memory test, now that Christmas Day is probably all over for most of you - world time zones notwithstanding (!). 

Did YOU give (or maybe get (!)) any so-called "smart" presents this year? This local man from the lovely Worcestershire village of Nob End certainly did!

Poor Len !!!!!

Yes, so-called "smart presents" - did YOU get any or give any? Most of us did, didn't we, with some honourable exceptions (!), like my medium-to-long-suffering wife Lois and me - we've got to hold our hands up and say a bit fat "No!" to that one, I'm almost ashamed to say it (!)... but we're very much the exception round here, at least, according to the Onion News (West Worcestershire) Christmas Day print edition.

Yes! Just turn to page 94 for a full list of Christmas gifts exchanged in the county this year.

And it begs an important question, doesn't it. Where do those hard-working local Onion journalists get their info? Yes, Lois and I know for sure that they've "bugged" our bed - we've got, like, a  billion pieces of evidence for that "shocker",  almost a legion! But have they also bugged everybody else's bed(s) round here? I think we should be told, don't you?

Our gifts to each other (fully documented on page 94 of the paper, incidentally!) start being exchanged early this Christmas morning, from "cup of tea in bed" time, going on, incredibly, till about 10 a.m., with gaps to get our breath back (!), as well as wash and dress when we've got a minute (!): books and clothes mostly - nothing "smarter" than either of us hopefully (!).

We've got it get it all "done and dusted", because at 10 a.m. we have a whatsapp video call coming up with our daughter Sarah in Perth, Australia, and her  twin daughters, so we can see all their presents, bikes etc, plus a lot of "modern" toys, that we don't know the names of, all gifts that they've already been enjoying for at least 8 hours already, thanks to the madness of so-called "time zones" (!).

What a crazy planet we live on !!!!

After that, we get on with preparing our Christmas lunch - unconventionally this year we've having lamb instead of the traditional turkey - call us "crazy rule-breakers" if you like haha!

books, chocolates....

...and things to wear - and nothing "smarter" than us, luckily!

talking to our daughter and twin-granddaughters in Perth, Australia

and watching them showcase their new bikes, plus some things we don't know the names for (!)

Christmas lunch - lamb, not turkey, and one of Lois's iconic home-made Christmas puddings

14:00 And now the best part of the day, the afternoon, when, with the washing up all done, we go to bed for a bit. 

We even put the King "on hold", so we don't have to "rush it" (!), and we eventually see his Christmas message to the nation when we get up, batteries recharged, around 4pm. Did the King mind about the hold-up? Well, we haven't heard anything back from him, so fingers crossed on that one (!).

we put the King on hold, so we can go back to bed for a bit

An honour, Sir!

21:00 We wind down for bed this evening on the couch with an old re-run of the world's longest-running sitcom, "Last of the Summer Wine", all about the adventures of three "old codgers" with nothing much to do all day, except roam around their village or over the surrounding Yorkshire dales.

"Us old codgers" [sic!] have to spend a lot of time going to their friends' funerals, sadly! And as this episode opens all the old men of the village have woken up with hangovers, after the previous evening's funeral celebrations for local man Ernie Moredew, when rather too much home-made wine was unfortunately drunk. Oh dear!

And on this particular "morning after", our regular trio - "Foggy" Dewhurst, "Compo" and Norman "Cleggie" Clegg find themselves just a duo as the episode begins. Yes, "Cleggie", a nervous, sociophobic man, whom I personally have a lot of time for, has gone missing.

So where is "Cleggie", the morning after the funeral? Well, Cleggie's next-door neighbour Howard has the answer. Yes, the poor, shy "Cleggie" has apparently fallen victim to a voracious local widow, Mrs Attercliffe, who's been "taking advantage of" the poor guy. Poor "Cleggie" !!!!

Yes, "Cleggie", like most of the old men in the village, has never been known to go shopping, so this is all a bit of a mystery, which the man's friends, "Foggy" and "Compo" try and analyse later that morning.

Poor Jack !!!!!!!!!!!!! [That's enough exclamation marks!!!!! - Ed]

"Couldn't die quick enough!" - is that a Yorkshire expression, I wonder? Answers on a postcard, as usual (!). Memo to self: check the Yorkshire phrase book in the attic haha!

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzzz!!!!!