Here's a real "stinker" of a question for you today, Friends, and something of a memory test, now that Christmas Day is probably all over for most of you - world time zones notwithstanding (!).
Did YOU give (or maybe get (!)) any so-called "smart" presents this year? This local man from the lovely Worcestershire village of Nob End certainly did!
Poor Len !!!!!
Yes, so-called "smart presents" - did YOU get any or give any? Most of us did, didn't we, with some honourable exceptions (!), like my medium-to-long-suffering wife Lois and me - we've got to hold our hands up and say a bit fat "No!" to that one, I'm almost ashamed to say it (!)... but we're very much the exception round here, at least, according to the Onion News (West Worcestershire) Christmas Day print edition.
Yes! Just turn to page 94 for a full list of Christmas gifts exchanged in the county this year.
And it begs an important question, doesn't it. Where do those hard-working local Onion journalists get their info? Yes, Lois and I know for sure that they've "bugged" our bed - we've got, like, a billion pieces of evidence for that "shocker", almost a legion! But have they also bugged everybody else's bed(s) round here? I think we should be told, don't you?
Our gifts to each other (fully documented on page 94 of the paper, incidentally!) start being exchanged early this Christmas morning, from "cup of tea in bed" time, going on, incredibly, till about 10 a.m., with gaps to get our breath back (!), as well as wash and dress when we've got a minute (!): books and clothes mostly - nothing "smarter" than either of us hopefully (!).
We've got it get it all "done and dusted", because at 10 a.m. we have a whatsapp video call coming up with our daughter Sarah in Perth, Australia, and her twin daughters, so we can see all their presents, bikes etc, plus a lot of "modern" toys, that we don't know the names of, all gifts that they've already been enjoying for at least 8 hours already, thanks to the madness of so-called "time zones" (!).
What a crazy planet we live on !!!!
After that, we get on with preparing our Christmas lunch - unconventionally this year we've having lamb instead of the traditional turkey - call us "crazy rule-breakers" if you like haha!
books, chocolates....
...and things to wear - and nothing "smarter" than us, luckily!
talking to our daughter and twin-granddaughters in Perth, Australia
and watching them showcase their new bikes, plus some things we don't know the names for (!)
Christmas lunch - lamb, not turkey, and one of Lois's iconic home-made Christmas puddings
14:00 And now the best part of the day, the afternoon, when, with the washing up all done, we go to bed for a bit.
We even put the King "on hold", so we don't have to "rush it" (!), and we eventually see his Christmas message to the nation when we get up, batteries recharged, around 4pm. Did the King mind about the hold-up? Well, we haven't heard anything back from him, so fingers crossed on that one (!).
we put the King on hold, so we can go back to bed for a bit
An honour, Sir!
21:00 We wind down for bed this evening on the couch with an old re-run of the world's longest-running sitcom, "Last of the Summer Wine", all about the adventures of three "old codgers" with nothing much to do all day, except roam around their village or over the surrounding Yorkshire dales.
"Us old codgers" [sic!] have to spend a lot of time going to their friends' funerals, sadly! And as this episode opens all the old men of the village have woken up with hangovers, after the previous evening's funeral celebrations for local man Ernie Moredew, when rather too much home-made wine was unfortunately drunk. Oh dear!
And on this particular "morning after", our regular trio - "Foggy" Dewhurst, "Compo" and Norman "Cleggie" Clegg find themselves just a duo as the episode begins. Yes, "Cleggie", a nervous, sociophobic man, whom I personally have a lot of time for, has gone missing.
So where is "Cleggie", the morning after the funeral? Well, Cleggie's next-door neighbour Howard has the answer. Yes, the poor, shy "Cleggie" has apparently fallen victim to a voracious local widow, Mrs Attercliffe, who's been "taking advantage of" the poor guy. Poor "Cleggie" !!!!
Yes, "Cleggie", like most of the old men in the village, has never been known to go shopping, so this is all a bit of a mystery, which the man's friends, "Foggy" and "Compo" try and analyse later that morning.
Poor Jack !!!!!!!!!!!!!
[That's enough exclamation marks!!!!! - Ed]
"Couldn't die quick enough!" - is that a Yorkshire expression, I wonder? Answers on a postcard, as usual (!). Memo to self: check the Yorkshire phrase book in the attic haha!
Will this do?
[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]
22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzzz!!!!!
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