Danskcolin: Friday February 2nd 2024

Identity theft - it's all around us these days, isn't it.

And I blame that local man right from around here, from the tiny village of Wyre Piddle, Worcestershire, who hit the world headlines almost 20 years ago now, with what must be one of most daring identity theft "heists" of all time. Do you remember the story, which hit the headlines in Onion News, not just here in Worcestershire, but around the world?

The FBI subsequently released this picture of the suspected imposter, but to my knowledge the guy has never been found, and he could still be active in this part of the county, that's for sure. And he does look kind of familiar, I have to admit.

I wonder.....!!!

I've just got a sort of feeling that we may have seen him in the local OneStop convenience store, here in bearby Poolbrook, which makes mine and Lois's blood run cold.

Yikes !!!!

Well, if identity theft could happen even to somebody like George Bush, it could certainly happen to Lois and me, we accept that. But sometimes I think our banks go too far in there efforts to "protect" us, or "mess us around" as I always say to Lois.

Till today, Lois and I didn't know that you can spend a whole morning trying to get a savings account statement out of your bank, and failing. Whose money is it anyway?!!!!!

our local branch of Nationwide Building Society (right),

next to the sumptuous offices of Whatley Solicitors (left)

Anti-theft measure number one, an admittedly very effective one on my opinion, is to drastically limit opening hours, so that they're likely to be closed when you just want to "drop by and steal somebody's identity", or even just to "drop by and get a statement of your savings".

There are separate queues for these two functions by the way. Just remember it's "identity fraud" to the left as you go in and face the counter - see page 5 of my vast collection of helpful "super-tips"!

"Why are you and Lois so keen to get a financial savings account statement out of your bank this morning?", I hear you ask.

I should explain that, at the end of April 2023, our daughter Sarah and her family moved back to the UK in April after 7 years in Australia. They want to buy a house in the UK, and they've got savings, but Lois and I are helping them out with part of the purchase price. And the house-owners, the vendors, want to be sure that the money is there to enable them to afford the house, before they sign the deal, which makes sense.

flashback to May 4th: our daughter Sarah, with husband

Francis and their 10-year-old twins Lily and Jessica,

arrive back in the UK after their 7 years in Australia

You'd think it would be pretty simple to get a print-out of a statement for what is, after all, your own money, but because of the world's scammers and fraudsters, honest people have to work their socks off getting documentary proof that their money hasn't come from drug-running or people-smuggling, or that kind of malarkey.

The result is that Lois and I spend an hour this morning driving in to central Malvern to ask for a savings account statement, which we get in the end, but when I check with Sarah after we get home, it turns out that the law firms handling Sarah's house purchase "want more detail" - what madness!!!

So now I have to get on the phone to the bank's Head Office - to no avail. They say I have to apply online. So then I spend another couple of hours, exchanging texts with the Bank's customer service department's chatbot.

This conversation is going nowhere, and not particularly fast, either. Eventually in desperation I try this gambit, something which I've never dared to try before online.

You see, here's the thing - I get this brilliant idea. Do you remember that scene in the Monty Python "Holy Grail" film, when King Arthur and the English knights turn up at this English castle mysteriously occupied by French soldiers, and they call up to the Frenchman who's standing guard on the battlements, to ask if he and his unit want to join them in their quest for the Holy Grail.

Surprisingly the Frenchman doesn't seem keen to look for the Grail, because, in the Frenchman's own words, "we've already got one". Remember that encounter?

the Frenchman on the battlements who, invited to join

the knights on their quest for the Holy Grail,

declines politely, on the grounds that they've "already got one"

Right there - that was the brilliant line: "Is there someone else up there we could talk to?" Since I saw the film back in the 1970's (?) I've used that line, with minor variations, multiple times in my life so "Why not now?", I ask myself.

And then suddenly - believe it or not - this daring move works, and almost at once I can tell that there's a person texting me at the other end, who perhaps has given Chatbot a few minutes to go to the loo or grab a coffee, which is nice.

Now I can ask an actual person for exactly what I need, and the person texts me to say she'll put in a request for me so that I get the statement I need, sent to me by post.

Result !!!!! Back of the net !!!!!!

Why don't YOU try this gambit, next time a Chatbot gives you an incomplete set of options to pick from! I can see that they don't want everybody doing this, because they'd have to employ more than one person on their worldwide customer service desk, so don't spread it around unnecessarily will you!

It'll be our secret haha !!!!!

This is the Nationwide Building Society Customer Service room - see photo below.

The Nationwide Building Society's worldwide "Customer

Service Room", with lone operative and dozens of fake computer screens

Yes, your eyes don't deceive you! It's just one person and, behind her, a bank of fake computer terminals with "painted on" displays. A bit like the so-called PCs that our granddaughters set up in our house recently for their stuffed toys, terminals which I later discovered, to my disappointment, were themselves just "toys".

You can press the keys on those so-called "keyboards" till you're blue in the face. Nothing happens!!!

Damn!!!!