Danskcolin: Thursday April 16th 2026 "Are YOU a bit of a language buff'? Modest local man dares to admit to it, so why don't you haha!!!"

Yes, Friends, are YOU a self-confessed 'bit of a language buff'? Most of us don't have the confidence to admit to making that heady claim, do we (!), but here's one local man who has put all modesty aside in today's Onion News for East Hampshire - just turn to page 94, if you want 'chapter and verse' !!!!

Kudos, that man!!! And at least he's making the effort, and I'm sure restaurant staff will show their appreciation of that, perhaps even giving Ayers a smile at the very least, or even knocking a bit off the bill at the end of the evening, dare I suggest?

I wonder....!

And reading Ayers' story this morning here in semi-leafy Liphook, Hampshire brings a bit of a semi-translucent, crooked smile to the faces of me and my wife Lois today, to put it mildly!

me and my wife Lois - a recent picture

We're smiling because we know how difficult it is to acquire even the most basic language skills - and we should know, because we've learnt to say 'Where are the gents?' or 'Where are the ladies?' etc (as the case may be!!) in, like, a billion languages, more probably (!), would you believe!

And in particular, after our daughter Alison and family moved to Denmark in 2012, Lois and I, during our many visits there, had to go to the toilet for example multiple times, and, what's more, to do it all over Denmark, one way or another. Hence our desire to pick up the basics of the necessary language skills (!).

flashback to 2017: us on our visit, with our daughter Alison,

to Hamlet's Castle at Elsinore, north of Copenhagen

And, on a practical note, if YOU ever find yourself in Hamlet's Castle, the toilets are just through that gateway on the right, if you're looking at the picture on the left, and, as an extra hint, they're not anywhere up that very tall tower, which I climbed, somewhat laboriously, and fruitlessly (!), in that picture on the right.

some typical Danish public toilets

Yes, over the years Lois and I learnt to get by in Intermediate Danish, during our several visits to Denmark, and now, 9 years on, it's one of the reasons why today, April 16th is such a busy day for us, which is weird!

You see, feeling a responsibility to give others the benefit of our experiences looking for toilets in Denmark, we've found ourselves winding up leading the local U3A online "Intermediate Danish for Old Codgers" group, 'for our sins' (!), and today is our little group's fortnightly meeting would you believe!

It certainly comes round quickly, doesn't it !!!!

[Well, it will do, Colin, if it's fortnightly, won't it - Ed]

One of our group's members, Jeanette, is actually Danish herself, but she left the country back in the 1980's and welcomes the chance to 'brush up' and learn all about the latest slang and buzz-words that those crazy Danish younger people are using these days, so that's all good!

Jeanette, our little group's only genuinely Danish member

This is a really great help to us, and to have one native speaker in our group is a definite advantage, we think. What you don't want is to have a whole class packed with native speakers, with no Brits at all, that's for sure!

Remember poor Terry Jones's Italian Language Evening Class at Gerrards Cross, Bucks, where every single student in the class was an Italian native, a bit of bad luck that put teacher Terry at an enormous disadvantage from the get-go? Do you remember?

flashback to poor Terry Jones' Italian Evening Class at Gerrards Cross, Bucks,

where every one of his students was already a fluent speaker - poor Terry !!!!

When it comes to our Danish group, Jeanette, by contrast, is so useful to us in explaining some of the Danish idioms. Who knew, for example that one way the Danes have or describing somebody who drinks himself stupid, is that he "drinks himself into the fence" (drikke sig i hegnet) ?

drinking yourself into the fence, Danish style - one Danish

cartoonist's somewhat cockeyed angle on the phenomenon!

And the writer of one short story we've read permits herself to make a little Danish joke at this point, and she says that, because a particular 'drinking orgy' is going on in a shrubby sort of garden, that somebody is "drinking himself into the fence, or, it might be, into the hedge for that matter".

Haha!!!! But to be perfectly frank, the writer's fence-hedge joke doesn't really work in English, does it!

[It's still funnier than a lot of your jokes, Colin! - Ed]

As far as today is concerned, it's another hectic day for Lois and me: in the morning, preparing for our online Danish meeting, and in the afternoon, logging in to our laptop, leading the meeting, and trying to bring some order to its somewhat anarchic proceedings, which isn't easy, to put it mildly!

(left) me, with my trusty Danish dictionary, looking a bit 'dog-eared' and 'well-thumbed'

(me, I mean, not the dictionary!!!!), and (right) me and Lois leading another rowdy

online meeting of our local "Intermediate Danish for Old Codgers" group

[Is that really all you two 'noggins' have done today, Colin? - Ed]

Absolutely not, seeing as how you're asking! Lois has also somehow found time to hang out a load of washing in the tiny back garden of our house on this 1970's style housing estate here in Liphook, where we moved to in January 2025.

And we've discovered also, after some light-to-moderate internet research, that our housing estate was built on top of an old farm called Collyer's Farm, that had been here for centuries. And the old farmhouse is still standing, round the corner on the main road, would you believe!!!

(left) Lois, hanging out the washing in our garden in this 1970's housing estate,

and (right) the farmhouse that still survives from at least the 1600's and 1700's

when this whole area was called Collyer's farm - what madness, wasn't it!!!!

So, quite a day, all in all!

[You lazy so-and-so's, Colin! - Ed]

20:00 Yes, Lois and I have really taken to Hampshire, having moved here 16 months ago, and so it's nice tonight to flop down on the sofa and enjoy a rerun of diminutive celebrity Scottish travelogue presenter Susan Calman's recent series, giving her "take" on the county, no doubt about that!

Tonight Susan ventures below decks on Admiral Nelson's flagship HMS Victory in Portsmouth Harbour, the ship Nelson took, with the British fleet, down to Spanish waters to defeat Napoleon's fleet at the battle of Trafalgar in 1805.

But who knew that Nelson's ship had space to carry 54 live bullocks! But it makes sense, doesn't it, in an age before refrigeration, to keep your supplies fresh until they were needed - it isn't exactly rocket science, is it!

Yes, it was madness, but there was method in that madness, that's for sure. And they also took a lot of beer, and I mean "a lot". It was low-alcohol beer, of course, but sailors were permitted to drink a gallon of it every day of the trip, which is mad! And if beer wasn't available, they were given a pint of wine, or a half-pint of rum. What madness!!!! [That's more than enough madness! - Ed]

The sun may have shone on the British Fleet down in Spanish waters, but the fleet's home port of Portsmouth gets a good share of Britain's annual rainfall, that's for sure!

Who knew, however, that it was Portsmouth native Jonas Hanway who was the person who introduced modern umbrellas to England?

Portsmouth-born Jonas Hanway, the man who first

promoted the idea of the modern umbrella in Britain.

It's thought that umbrellas started out as parasols in the Far East, as a defence against the noonday sun in those sunny, far-off places - but what madness!!

We Brits are notoriously conservative, however, and it took a while for the umbrella, initially thought to be a bit on the "poncey" side, to get general acceptance. And true to form, 'carrying an umbrella' suddenly became somehow more respectable after the Royal Family took it up - no surprise there!!!

Initially, however, Jonas was mocked on the streets of London, and even attacked, when he first ventured outside with his 'brolly' up - poor Jonas!!!!