Tuesday November 2nd 2021

Lois has to spend even more time today trying to get young-and-vague preachers to commit to coming and preaching at her sect's local meeting-hall. It takes so long, and when they don't respond to emails and texts it's very frustrating for her.

A few days ago we had the bright idea that these vague young men, seemingly always fascinated by their mobile phones, might respond more promptly to a text with an attached list of vacant Sundays, but we find her phone doesn't readily allow you to attach files to texts for some reason. On my phone you just press a big addition sign, but we can't find such a sign on her phone, but it's a Chinese phone: maybe that's why. But what a crazy world we live in!

a typical Chinese mobile phone (not Lois's!)

typical "plus" signs, of the sort that can be used to attach files to texts on my phone

17:00 At press time (5 pm) I've at last managed to get a "plus" sign added to Lois's texting display so she's going to try again later - fingers crossed!

So far today, after about 5 hours' work, she's only managed to get one preacher, a guy called David, to commit to a date next April, 

Poor Lois !!!!!!

And - wouldn't you know it - David isn't one of the young-but-vague crowd, he's almost as old as we are, which is saying something: my god!

David, an old-but-not-so-vague Cornishman

Lois has a personal connection with this guy, David. He used to be a student in Oxford, and both Lois and I lived in Oxford, still both living at home with our parents. In the late 1960's my mother had a habit of inviting students to our house in the Oxford suburbs to give them a bit of tea and some family-style company, although I don't think my father was that keen on the idea.

Lois and I were engaged at that time, so young David met both me and Lois. He also met my sister Gill, and we suspected he had a bit of a "thing" for her, which I don't think was reciprocated, although we were all very fond of him. David comes from Cornwall (Redruth), and he taught me several Cornish dialect words: the only one Lois and I still use is "boughten" as an adjective, e.g. "a boughten cake", so not a cake that was baked in the home, but one bought in a shop.

Fascinating stuff !!!!

But what a shock it is to see the face of somebody that you last saw as a young man but who is  now in his late 60's perhaps. 

17:30 I do a bit more work on my Middle English text. Lynda's U3A Middle English group is holding its monthly meeting on Friday on zoom, and the text we are reading is the 15th century "Book of Margery Kempe", the first ever autobiography by a woman in the English language.

Margery and her husband John had a very passionate sex-life when they were younger, and continuing into their 50's. 

However, now that John is in his 60's the couple have agreed to a temporary sex-ban, partly because Margery is feeling guilty about what the couple got up to in the past, and also because she's thinking she ought to spend a bit of time concentrating on her religious devotions, at least for a while. 

Margery and John Kempe  - a passionate marriage, 

but did they go too far? Margery is beginning to feel guilty: oh dear!

To keep the sex-ban John and Margery decide to live apart and eat apart for a while, to avoid temptation, and unfortunately John falls downstairs while Margery is elsewhere. The neighbours hear the commotion, burst into the house, put John to bed,  and try to fix his head and mop up the blood etc. My god!!!!

a typical scene that can ensue if somebody barelegged falls downstairs

It's interesting that the Kempe's neighbours are now saying that if John dies, then Margery ought to be hanged, for not looking after her husband. What madness!   But it shows what a tough time wives had in those far-off days, that's for sure!

Yes, poor John, "coming down from his chamber bare-foot and bare-legged, slithered and lost his footing, falling down the stairs....and it became known to some of his neighbours that he had fallen downstairs, peradventure because of the din he had made [poor John !!!!]. 

"So [the neighbours] came in to him and found him... half dead and covered in blood.... they sent for his wife, and so she came to him. Then John was picked up off the floor, and his head was stitched up.... and then people said that if he died, his wife [i.e. Margery] deserved to be hanged, because she should have been looking after him and wasn't. [The couple] were not dwelling together, nor lying together, because they  .... had vowed to live chastely".

Poor Margery! Luckily John recovers although he soon becomes incontinent, but that's a story for another day haha!

But what a crazy world they lived in, in those far-off times!!! What madness !!!!

18:00 We look at a video of Chet Atkins singing with the Everly Brothers, while the dinner is being finalised. I wonder if anybody has noticed how like George W Bush guitarist Chet Atkins looks! 

I wonder if perhaps they are related? We don't know, but we think we should be told !!!!!

guitarist Chet Atkins

George W Bush

19:00 Lois disappears into the dining-room to take part in her great-niece Molly's yoga class on zoom, followed by her sect's weekly Bible Seminar, also on zoom. 

I settle down on the couch and watch another old episode of the 1990's sitcom "The Brittas Empire", which revolved round Whitbury New Town Sports and Leisure Centre, and its well-meaning and idealistic, but unpopular manager, Gordon Brittas.

Synopsis of episode: It is Life Cycle Week at the centre, and Sebastian Coe has come to help promote the event. Unfortunately, confusion involving a troublesome child leads to Colin mistakenly chaining Coe to a railing and the centre being attacked by a Roman recreational society. Carole’s son Ben escapes from his cupboard.

Chaos and mayhem again at the Leisure Centre - no surprise there, but there are some little gems. Like, for instance, when an 8-year-old boy is arrested by manager Gordon Brittas for trying to get into the swimming pool without buying a 20p ticket.

The boy's father, a member of the town's historical society, which is staging a mock-battle with the Carthaginians outside the centre today, comes bursting into Brittas's office, dressed as a Roman centurion, to protest against the detention of his son. 

Brittas responds by giving the boy's father a textbook definition of the centuries-old "right of citizen arrest", which is nice.

"When an arrestable offence has been committed, any person may arrest, without warrant, anyone who is guilty of an offence, or, anyone he has reasonable grounds to suspect of a criminal offence".

The boy's father is not impressed however. And later the rest of his "Roman cohort", plus a bunch of "Carthaginians", arrive at the centre with authentic Roman scaling ladders and a ballista, in an attempt to force Brittas to release the man's son.

I don't know who the series's historical adviser was, but the attack looks thoroughly authentic from this reviewer's perspective, no doubt about that!

Soon the attackers are marshalling their scaling ladders, but this attack is thwarted by gung-ho staff member Linda who boldly seizes a long pole and pushes the ladder, plus centurions, to the ground from the second floor.

Finally the attackers deploy their ballista, and this wins the day for them.

Centre manager Brittas rings the local police to report

that the "Romans" are firing engine-blocks from Morris Marinas.

Brittas and unflappable deputy-manager Laura inspect the damage

in the centre's lobby area

Tremendous fun !!!!!!

21:00 Lois emerges from her two zoom sessions and we settle down to watch an interesting documentary on the life and career of Frank Sinatra.

Who knew that Frank Sinatra got his plum role in "From Here To Eternity" (1953)  thanks to the Mafia? At the time, people were puzzled how he landed the role, and it was only when the book and film "The Godfather" (1972) came out that people realised the truth about it.

The famous sequence in "The Godfather", where a young singer begs for help from the Mafia to secure a film role, was actually a thinly disguised account of Sinatra getting the role he badly wanted in From Here to Eternity, thanks to pressure from "The Mob".

Fascinating stuff!!!

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzzz!!!!

Monday November 1st 2021

08:00 I roll out of bed. I go downstairs and get 2 cups of tea for Lois and me, and some cereal for Lois, and then I get back into bed. It's too early to get up - that's for sure!

I look at my smartphone. Lynda's U3A Middle English group is holding its monthly meeting on Friday on zoom. 

At the moment we're reading Margery Kempe's autobiography, written in the 1430's. It's a real landmark in the history of our language - it's the first ever female autobiography. 

Margery Kempe, seen here breastfeeding one of the 14 or more

children she bore her husband John - my god !!!!!

On Friday we're going to be reading another few hundred lines from the book, and last night Lynda emailed all the group members parcelling out the text so we all get a few dozen lines to read out, and translated into modern English.

Just my luck - once again I've been given some of the more embarrassing passages to do. The couple are now getting on in years a bit: especially John who's now "over three score years", ie over 60. 

Poor John !!!!!

If there's any content that's sexual or - what's the word? oh yes - scatological, I can guarantee that Lynda will allot that passage to me - damn !!!!

Poor John is now over 60, and oh dear he's lost control over some of his bodily functions, and it's Margery that has to clean up.

Yes, unfortunately for Margery, John in his last days (line 4282) "turned childish again and lacked reason [so] that he could not do his own easement [i.e. toiletting] to go to a "see" [toilet] or else he wouldn't go [i.e. he refused to go], but, like a child, he voided his natural digestions in his linen clothes where he sat by the fire or at the table, whichever it was, he wouldn't spare any place. And because of that, she [i.e. Margery] had that much more labour in washing and wringing... etc"

Oh dear, poor Margery!

Margery Kempe's husband John: in his latter years (his 60's)

he is said to have "lost control of his bodily functions"

It's nice to read, however, that, while toiling over the soiled linen in the washtub, Margery comforted herself by remembering all the sex that the couple had had when they were younger, and then all this extra laundry work didn't seem so bad, she said. In former years, she and John had earned a bit of a bad reputation in the neighbourhood over this excessive sex that they were known to have gone in for.

Yes, she wrote that this extra laundry work would have irked her, but for the fact that she "bethought herself how she in her young age had had very many delectable thoughts, fleshly lusts and excessive loving of [John's] person."

Naughty Margery!  But aww, that's so touching !!!!!

It's interesting that the word we would use today for John's problem with his toileting is "incontinence", but in those far-off days of the 15th century, "incontinence" referred mainly to sexual excess: something Margery's neighbours had often accused her of.

The couple's reputation had been so notorious, that whenever they were seen leaving town, the local gossipmongers more or less assumed that she and John were going out to "indulge their bodily lusts in the woods, groves and valleys", so that "people wouldn't be able to spy on it". 

My god !!!!

What crazy times they lived in, in those days!!!!

10:00 Lois meanwhile is doing some of the preacher-booking work she does for her sect. She's trying to get a bunch of young-and-vague preachers to commit to preaching at some of her sect's Sunday services in 2022 and 2023, but it's hard to get them to focus and commit to a date.

a typical young-and-vague preacher, in a world of his own,

seen here interacting with his mobile phone

This week she's trying a new approach. These preachers are all young and vague, but they are constantly on their mobile phones, so, rather than writing to them, or emailing them with requests to preach, she's going to be texting them and attaching a list of Sunday dates which are still vacant. I help her text a couple of preachers with the vacant dates as an attachment, and now we're going to just sit back and see whether they respond or not. If they do, we'll try the same trick on a couple more of them. Simples!

A fascinating experiment, no doubt about that! [If you say so! - Ed]

11:00 We go out for our usual walk: there's a lot of blue sky around today but it's perishing cold, and there's a chilly wind. We stop at the Whiskers Coffee Stand - the blonde Polish girl is serving today and we order 2 hot chocolates: yum yum!

19:30 Lois disappears into the dining-room to take part in her sect's weekly Bible Seminar on zoom. I settle down on the couch and watch an old episode from the 1990's sitcom "The Brittas Empire", centred around Whitbury New Town Sports and Leisure Centre, and its well-meaning, idealistic, but unpopular manager, Gordon Brittas.

Synopsis of episode: Gordon's brother--Reverend Horatio Brittas--visits for the centre's anniversary celebrations, and 36 staff from a Guildford leisure centre visit for their annual staff outing. As usual, things go badly wrong: the centre's oil tank begins to leak and the leaked oil is brought inside and stored in the weights room to keep it from being struck by lightning…

This is the episode where a leak is discovered in the centre's heating oil tank, and initially staff member Linda is detailed to stick her finger in the leak, and later, as the hole widens, her thumb. Then Linda and accident-prone deputy manager Colin Weatherby, try to collect as many containers as they can find, to store the leaking oil in.

centre manager Gordon (centre) and accident-prone Deputy Manager

Colin arrive to inspect Linda's efforts to stop up the leak with her thumb

Unfortunately, while Linda and Colin are out of sight, an oil-tanker arrives to fill up the tank again - with 350 further gallons of heating oil, and so Linda and Colin have to find even more containers in which to store the oil, which is continuing to leak, in bigger and faster quantities.

unfortunately, while Linda and Colin are out of sight, a tanker arrives 

and fills the tank up with another 350 gallons of heating oil - oh dear!

now even more containers have to be found to store the leaking oil in 

Against the odds they manage to find enough saucepans, milk bottles, plastic margarine tubs etc to take all the 350 gallons of oil that eventually leak out. They store all the containers in the old weights room.

Unfortunately again, just down the corridor, a lot of highly combustible materials are being temporarily stored in manager Gordon Brittas's office, to be used later in the day to celebrate the anniversary of the centre's opening: these combustible materials include a big box of fireworks.

By a piece of bad luck, a firework is ignited in Brittas's office and shoots along the corridor to the old weights room, causing a massive explosion, a big fire, and considerable carnage in and around the centre. Oh dear!

However, against all odds, the episode ends happily, as Gordon's twin brother, Rev. Horatio Brittas, who's staying with his brother Gordon and his wife, experiences a boost to his flagging faith, resulting in a renewed commitment to fly to Beirut, become the Anglican dean in the city, and solve the Middle East crisis, which would be nice, to put it mildly! 

Let's hope you can do it, Horatio, the whole world is behind you haha!

the episode's unexpectedly upbeat ending: Gordon's brother,

Rev Horatio Brittas, has his faltering faith renewed by the incident,

and with renewed determination vows to fly to Beirut

and solve the Middle East crisis. More power to your elbow, Horatio,

we're all behind you haha!!!!!

21:00 Lois emerges from her zoom session and we watch this week's edition of one of our favourite TV quiz shows, Only Connect, which tests lateral thinking.

Unexpectedly Lois and I do quite well tonight in our unending battle to find answers that the teams fail to get.

In this question, for example, Lois correctly works out what the sequence is, and comes up with a fourth element to complete it.

Lois spots that this question is all about the Swedish furniture giant IKEA, spelling out the letters of its name, and associating facts about the chain's founder, Ingvar Kamprad, the farm he grew up on, Elmtarad, and his home town, Agunnaryd. 

Well done, Lois!

And we're a bit surprised when the teams don't get the fourth element in this second sequence:

Surely this one's obvious isn't it? The fourth element in the sequence should be zero (e.g.) Greenwich (London), or some other city with zero longitude, shouldn't it? Numbers decreasing by ten, give the longitude of some city or other. Don't you see??!!!!!

Simples!

Yes, we've still got it haha!

22:00 We go smugly to bed - zzzzzzzzz!!!!!