Danskcolin: Friday March 22nd 2024

You wouldn't believe it looking at me now, but in my youth I was regarded as "something of a beauty", and with my "film-star good looks" and easy charm, the local press dubbed me "the new Cary Grant".

I've still got some of the old cuttings in my scrapbook, like this "doozy"....

BRISTOL, ENGLAND—Calling the transformation both delightful and stunning, friends and family members confirmed Tuesday that 17-year-old Colin [last name redacted] was blossoming into an absolutely gorgeous object.

According to many of his relatives, in the span of 14 months, the sixth-former from the local 16th century Grammar School, founded by Henry VIII, had undergone a staggering metamorphosis from a young boy with thoughts, feelings, and aspirations into a truly stunning "commodity".

transition - from "boy with feelings" to stunning "commodity"

“Colin has really developed into quite a striking assemblage of physical attributes that are found to be sexually attractive in our culture,” said headmaster’s wife Cecilia Powell, expressing astonishment at how Colin had steadily matured from a precocious youth into a shapely, ravishing ‘hunk’ devoid of intellect and personality.

“It’s hard to believe that he used to be that little boy [capable of subjective experiences] that I remember. Now look at him—he’s such a lovely vessel for displaced sexual frustration and voyeuristic lust, just like his father.”

Marvelling at the rite of passage that all males make from boyhood into entirely disempowered objecthood, Powell expressed confidence that the 17-year-old would one day become a highly prized physical possession for “one supremely lucky girl”.

Colin’s casual acquaintances at the nearby local 17th century Red Maids High School for Girls were also reportedly captivated by the adolescent’s transition from a young boy into an eye-catching machine for female gratification.

the local 16th century Boys' Grammar School, founded by Henry VIII,

and the brashly more modern Redmaids, England's oldest girls' school,

founded in the 17th century from money bequeathed by Bristol MP John Whitson

Red Maids headmistress Amanda Turner (55) commented that Colin had become a particularly alluring instrument of purely physical pleasure for her school’s “most likely to succeed" sixth-formers in the months since he ceased to be just a young, unselfconscious, preteen boy.

Redmaids High School students parading through Bristol

in their traditional 17th century school uniforms

Added Grammar School matron, Veronica Staines (42), “I've stuck the occasional band-aid on Colin but I never thought anything of him before, but over the last year or so, I really started to see him for the beautiful little piece of equipment he is,” said Staines, expressing enthusiasm for how the teen had evolved into a dazzling sexual apparatus. “I’m thinking of asking that mere machine to the Bristol Interschool Teachers and Students Dance.”

“Take a look at it,” added Staines. “I can think of a lot of things I’d like to do with that.”

Staines, herself a former Red Maids pupil, claimed that she was impressed by the junior’s transformation from A-student and sentient human being into a lovely piece of meat.

That was then, though, wasn't it, and this is now! And now that I'm almost 78, I'm starting to wonder, "Have I lost some of my old charm?" and "Am I becoming just a younger version of my dear late father?"

I'm certainly growing to like my "Poppa's chair", as I'm starting to call it [The IKEA "Bingsta" inspired by 1930's hip-hop artist Bing Crosby, the so-called "Crooning Rapper" - Ed], which was delivered by the Worcester branch of IKEA on Thursday this week. Lois likes it as well, but I think I've "seen off" her challenge, after a bit of friendly "rough-housing", although in an unexpected, hard-won concession, I've agreed to give it up to her "on demand", as a kind of a compromise.

flashback to Thursday: Lois makes an early

bid for "ownership" of "The Bingsta"

I quite like to sit in the chair whenever Lois lets me, (a) because it's so comfy, with easy access to remotes for both the TV and other devices, a stash of ball-point pens, letter-opener, scissors, the current Kleenex box, and other essentials for a restful hour or two, and (b) because, from it, positioned in the window, I can keep an eye both on possible delivery vans coming our way, and also on our neighbours whenever they emerge onto the street.

me in typical "TV viewing" mode, with my

stack of remotes and pens etc within easy access

... and here's me in "nosy neighbour" mode,

generally keeping an eye on nearby activities in our street

By the way, I've sent a courtesy copy of the above photo to ageing, retired film-star Sir Michael Caine, as a "nod" to his now-mostly-purely-ceremonial position as spiritual head of Britain's thousands of nosy neighbours. He's retired from all his former nosy duties now, but I know he likes to think he's "gone but not forgotten", and I respect that.

Caine's notorious "retirement" denial on the Danish

version of social media giant "Twitter" in 2021

16:00 For Lois and me, there's an air of expectancy in the house today, because our daughter Sarah, recently returned from 7 years in Australia with husband Francis and their 10-year-old twins Lily and Jessica, will be bringing the twins here to stay the weekend.

We've spent most of the day, dusting and vacuuming, tidying up etc - here's how Bedroom 3 looks this afternoon, with the twins' favourite stuffed toys all tucked up and having an afternoon nap in the double bed that the twins share when they're staying here.

Awwwwwwww!!!!!

Bedroom 3, with the twins' favourite stuffed toys

tucked up in bed, watched over by their genial

part-time supervisor, Black-and-White-Cat (bottom right)

- awwwww !!!!!

Lois "gets our own laundry out of the way", in preparation

for possible daughter and granddaughter-sourced "loads"

that may be scheduled for our washing-machine over the coming weekend

With the bulk of the work over, Lois and I decide to wind down on the couch with the puzzles from the coming week's Radio Times.

We score really well this week: 8.5 out of 10 on the Popmaster, and an astonishing, and probably unprecedented, 9 out of 10 on the intellectually more prestigious "Egghead" section.

See how many of these "doozies" YOU know!

18:30 Sarah and the twins arrive, and in a flash, our quiet little home-for-two-old-codgers is transformed into a house-for-five with joyous chat and laughter echoing to the rafters, which is nice. Our visitors are all exhausted, however, by the past week - Sarah by the stresses of her accountancy job in nearby Evesham, and the twins by the stresses of getting used to a new school in England after the family's 7-year residence in Australia.

flashback to 2 weeks ago: the last time our daughter

Sarah and the twins stayed the weekend with us

20:30 Our visitors disappear upstairs to bed, and Lois and I are left to relax on the couch with the latest episode in ex-cabinet minister Michael Portillo's new series of "Great British Railway Journeys". In tonight's programme Michael is travelling from Wokingham in Berkshire to London's busy Heathrow Airport.

Travelling on the train from Wokingham to Heathrow, Michael pontificates about Britain's massive and long-standing failures of planning, going back 200 years or more.