Dear reader, are you an "older person", if you don't mind my asking? And are you fed up with being referred to in local Onion newspaper headlines and websites as "local old codger" or even "area mum" or "area dad", which is almost as bad? It's tiresome, isn't it, and even a bit "ageist" into the bargain, if you ask me.
These are just two of the many recent stories on the website that were actually written about me. Again, remember, ignore the two allegedly "sexier" models that appear in my place in the website's pictures.
And I've found you can complain about this sort of ageism to the local Onion News till you're literally blue in the face - they don't take a blind bit of notice. [Literally??? Really???!!! - Ed]
And "The Onion" as Lois and I call them, are still using the above two above-pictured, allegedly more-photogenic "stand-in" 'older dads' to illustrate stories about me, to add insult to injury, ignoring my own locally-famed "film star good looks", which is absolutely crazy if you ask me.
And I've asked them time-and-time again to locate and remove all the "bugs" they've installed to record my conversations with Lois verbatim, even in bed, - it was funny at first, guys, but it's just got tiresome now. So time to cut all that out, local news-hounds, and make it snappy too, if you wouldn't mind.
flashback to March 11th: Lois finds another two
listening-devices or "bugs", as they're
known professionally, in our bedroom
I mustn't be too hard on Onion News, however, because they redeem themselves in this evening's headlines. But more about that later !!!!
You may have guessed it already, but yes, our long-awaited shiny-new high-backed armchair, a.k.a "The Bingsta", has arrived today from the quasi-local IKEA store, and it gets self-assembled in just a matter of eight hours or so, which is nice. There are only a very small number of "mystery components", not apparently needed, which are still left in the packaging, which is reassuring.
And now there's even a bit of "rough-housing" here in the house as Lois and I fight to be the first to sit in the new chair, and to try it out for TV-viewing angles and 101 other uses.
Lois "road-tests" our shiny-new "Bingsta" armchair
from IKEA - we've decided to leave the handy
IKEA instruction leaflet and Allen-key (ringed) within easy
reach on what we're calling our "Bingsta-side table" (right)
in case we want to adjust the chair in the middle of a TV show, say
14:00 After lunch, more than satisfied with this morning's purchase, Lois and I get into bed for what-we-call "nap time".
And today, we're tempted to indulge in another bit of "hurkle-durkling" while we're in there.
I know! That sounds incredibly filthy, doesn't it, but it isn't actually - it's just the latest expression to cross the Atlantic and come bouncing back again.
Steve, our American brother-in-law, tells us that this verb - "to hurkle-durkle", which has recently "gone viral" on social media, originated in Scotland at least 200 years ago, and it means, according to dictionaries of Scottish-English, "to lie in bed or lounge about when one should be up and about".
The New York Post says, "We’ve all been there: the alarm is going off and you know it’s time to start the day — but you, cradled in cosy bedding, choose to linger."
And hurkle-durkling is even good for your health, according to the new studies.
Explains the "Post" article, "a December 2023 study published in the journal Sleep Health suggests that sleeping in on the weekends could actually save your life in the long run. Researchers found that an extra two hours of sleep on the weekend can reduce the chances of a heart attack or stroke by 63% — especially for people who get less than six hours of sleep during the week.
“We found that WCS [weekend catch-up sleep] in adults is associated with a low risk of angina, stroke and coronary heart disease,” the researchers wrote. The sleep-deprived who allowed themselves to hit snooze on their days off were two-thirds less likely to experience life-threatening medical emergencies.
Did you know that "snoozing your alarm" could be good for you?
"Additionally, research from October 2023 found that getting a few more minutes of sleep after snoozing your alarm could actually help avid snoozers wake up. The study, published in the Journal of Sleep Research, found that people who snoozed regularly got additional sleep and were more cognitively alert upon waking, despite the disturbed sleep.
"So hurkle-durkle to your heart’s desire", is the Post's message — "it’s self-care, after all!"
Preaching to the converted, Post ! Just saying haha!!!
21:00 And to end the day, I decide to browse the local evening news and I find what Lois and I think are the perfect way for Onion News to refer to us in their future headlines about us - why not "man in chair" or "woman in chair", both of which leave our alleged 'age' out of it?
Like in this story, the "lead" in this evening's offerings from the website:
I wonder.... !!!!!
[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]
22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzz!!!!!
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