Thursday January 29th 2026 "So, local man Josh is finally wed! But strange reception, to put it mildly!!!!"

So! Local man, Josh, the so-called "eternal bachelor", has finally got married, breaking a few hearts locally, I'm sure! But what a reception after the ceremony! Did YOU read about it?

Onion News has more!!!!

Poor bride !!!!!!

Reading Josh's story this morning, however, here in semi-bucolic Liphook, Hampshire, brings a kind of an ironically distorted face to the smiles of both me and my wife Lois, to put it mildly!!!!

my wife Lois and me - a recent picture

Brides can be seductive, there's no doubt, but, then, so can cake, that's for sure!

However, today, I didn't expect to be "breaking my diet" quite so early in the diet - Day One in fact, would you believe!!! - when Lois and I meet up with our 50-year-old daughter Alison for a "catch-up", in nearby Haslemere, just over the county line in Surrey. Unfortunately, within minutes of walking into Hemingway's with Alison for a coffee, the waitress presses me to a whopping slice of her coffee and walnut cake (not literally!!!), after she sees me eyeing it lasciviously under the counter, would you believe, and the rest is history, sob sob!!! 

The new diet starts tomorrow haha !!!!

(left) us in  Hemingway's, Haslemere this morning, for a "catch-up" with our 

50-year-old daughter Alison, and (right) the scene at the counter, 

after Ali offers to treat her "old codger" parents, and pay the bill, which is nice!

All in all, not a good day for mine and Lois's 2026 "diet plan", when you factor in, also, an afternoon in bed. 

And after all today's indulgence, there's no doubt that Lois and I are looking a bit shamefaced, when Ali calls round to our house at tea-time to pick up her son Isaac (15), who goes to school near us in Liphook. Isaac occasionally does  some of his homework on our kitchen table after school, while waiting for his mum to pick him up and take him home.

And today it's also a good opportunity for Ali to see, finally completed, the thousand-piece Jane Austen-themed jigsaw that she gave us for Christmas. 

flashback to Christmas: we open Ali's Christmas present to Lois, and see

the jigsaw's thousand pieces for the first time, making a promising start on it

 - happy days!!!!

It's taken us a month to finish the jigsaw, admittedly, but, as we explain, that's partly because of some unexpected "anomalies", as we call them, in the puzzle: some of the Austen characters featured in the instruction leaflet don't actually appear in the puzzle, and some additional "mystery" ones are unexpectedly included.

I have hypothesised that some of Austen's characters were off sick on the day of the original painting, and that perhaps, also, some "prankster" 21st century bystanders "photobombed" the scene, adding to the confusion, maybe?

Your comments welcome, especially if you were one of the guilty parties, the so-called "pranksters" - postcards only, don't forget !!!!!

But what madness, isn't it !!!!!

(left) our grandson Isaac (15) stuffs his laptop into his schoolbag, while (right)

Lois, and Isaac's mum, our daughter Alison, try to match the Jane Austen 

characters to the scenes in the now-finished jigsaw puzzle - what madness!!!!

What a crazy day!!!!

But at least there's a bit of sanity brought back into our lives this evening, with Scottish daytime talk-show presenter Lorraine Kelly's current, fascinating celebrity-travelogue series as she travels up the Norwegian coast to the Arctic Circle, which is a relief, to put it mildly!!!!

What wonderful English those Norwegians speak - all of them, no matter how "humble" their professions! And while responding warmly to diminutive presenter Lorraine Kelly's infectious humour and enthusiasm, the local farmers and fishermen of the Lofoten Islands can't help noticing Lorraine's strong Scottish accent, which they dub "exotic". And to this, our Lorraine reacts with pride, saying that that particular accolade is a "first" for her, as far as she can remember, so it's nice for her too!

Lois and I didn't know that they make whisky in the Lofoten Islands, in Norway's arctic north, and tonight Lorraine talks to a guy called Tor, who's the manager of the world's northernmost distillery.

 

The distillery has some great advantages: water from the glacier in the mountains behind the building, plus some wonderful barley, some of it from Scotland and Norway, but also some sourced locally on the Lofoten Islands. Apparently it's physically impossible to grow barley any further north than here.

Also, as distillery manager Tor explains, you have to factor in the evaporation that occurs during the distilling process. In Scotland, they call it "the angels' share", because the angels fly over the Scottish distilleries taking a good old sniff, while in the Lofoten Islands they call it "Odin's share", because Odin, the father of the gods, is their "angel", so it's Odin what gets the benefit [sic!].

However, it turns out that there's a difference between what the angels get when they're flying over Scotland, and what Odin gets when he's flying over the Lofotens....

Poor Odin!!!! But for us viewers, it's nice to get the "science" of it all explained so clearly, isn't it!

Lois and I, however, get a bit concerned watching the programme tonight, because at times Lorraine seems to lose her focus and get a bit carried away, which is a bit of a worry.

And especially when she's fondling the local huskies, and she says she's falling totally in love, as she explains to her companion when we see her driving a husky-pulled sledge.

And then, from out of the blue, Lorraine makes this frank confession: 

Oh dear, poor Mr Kelly !!!! Let's hope he isn't watching the programme tonight !!!!

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzz!!!!!

Wednesday January 28th 2026 "Have YOU got curtains in YOUR house? They're a worry as well as a comfort, aren't they !!!!"

Yes, Friends, have YOU got curtains in YOUR house? Check before you send me your postcard answer this time - and do it now! And check every single room in your house, not just the shower. Go on, do it now, you'll be glad you did haha!

US authorities are, according to today's Onion News, at last warning the American public about some of the dangers inherent in curtains, so maybe it's time we Brits ought to start being a bit less "cavalier" about them too. What do you think?

Yikes! And how many creeps did YOU find on your "fact-finding" expedition? The average is three per household, I understand, so you're not alone (in more ways that one!!!!).

And I have to say, reading the Onion story today here in semi-idyllic Liphook, Hampshire, brings a bit of an uneasy smile to the faces of me and my wife Lois, because we're playing with fire ourselves, by ordering yet another curtain from Hillary's, this time for our, otherwise ideal, kitchen-diner.

me and my wife Lois - a recent picture

 

Oops!!!!! The last thing we want to do is to increase our "creep ratio", the technical term for creeps per square foot !!!! 

flashback to October 2025: (left) the social media post from curtain-industry-giants

Hillarys, the post that started the mayhem (!), and (right) me showcasing the last

curtain we bought: we're now ordering a second one for the patio doors in the background

It's going to worry us now, what with the US Curtainmaster-General's statement yesterday, that's for sure! However we forget all our worries, the way we always do - by leaving the house and going for a nice local walk this morning, leaving all of our own personal domestic creeps (!) to their own devices for an hour or so! 

And where nicer to walk than over the "hallowed but muddy turf" of local relegation-candidates, East Hampshire Premier League's favourite "whipping boys", Liphook United! 

[You're not going there again, are you, Colin? - Ed]. 

The team's ashen-faced manager Ron Knee (59) has vowed to take the squad, after relegation, "all the way", down to the lowly East Hampshire Championship League, "and beyond", if necessary, which must have cheered "the lads" no end, no question!

we take a walk over the "muddy but hallowed turf" of local soccer anti-heroes, Liphook United

(manager: ashen-faced Ron Knee (59), who's vowed to take them "all the way",

down to the lowly East Hampshire Champions' League, "and beyond", Ron says!)

And the birds are singing, as you can see - it's in anticipation of the mating season, Lois says. 

And "did you know that's why Valentine's Day is fixed for February?", Lois adds. Humans don't strictly have a mating season, but many couples get more "in the mood", she explains, when spring starts to spring, so fair enough! We've got two lunch venues in mind for our own celebration of Valentines Day: the Deer's Hut maybe, or the Links Tavern, where we went for Robert Burns Night last weekend, but the jury's still out on that one at the moment.

Your suggestions welcome of course, but keep them clean!!! And postcards only needless to say !!!!

flashback to the weekend: Lois and I celebrate Burns Night at the local Links Tavern.

Should we go there again for Valentine's? I think we should be told !!!!!

However, I'm grateful for the US Curtainmaster-General's timely warning for another reason.

It's a bit of a mouthful, isn't it - "Curtainmaster-General" - but, ironically, it could help me with the talk I've been scheduled to do for our local U3A "Intermediate History of English for Old Codgers" group, which I allegedly lead, "for my sins" !!!!

some typical online meetings of the local U3A "Intermediate History of 

English for Old Codgers" group, which I allegedly "lead", for my sins (!)

My subject will be, in broad terms, "What sort of English would we be speaking today, if our last Anglo-Saxon king, Harold Godwinson, had defeated the Norman invasion led by William the Conqueror, at the Battle of Hastings back in 1066?". If Harold had defeated William, our language would have avoided centuries of French influence, that's for sure, and our language today would be sounding much more like Dutch, or Danish etc maybe. 

The French famously put their adjectives after the noun, not before it: so, for example, camp comedian Larry Grayson's famous "What a gay day!" catchphrase becomes, in French style, "What a day gay!". 

the late camp comedian Larry Grayson, with his most famous 

catchphrases, "Shut that door!" and "What a gay day!"

"What a day gay!" certainly doesn't sound as funny, somehow, you have to admit. But also, this is probably why all the great offices of state that our Norman conquerors established, are labelled, e.g. "Attorney-General", and not "General Attorney". And hence, also, "Curtainmaster-General". It's all beginning to make a horrible kind of sense now, isn't it! 

I wonder.....!

Certainly today is a historic day in our house, with Lois's annual 2026 batch of home-made marmalade beginning to "fly off the shelves" (of our larder!!!!), and on to my tea-time toast!

It's "history on a plate", as far as I'm concerned !!!! 

(left) a look-back at some of Lois's classic batches from past Januaries, as well as the present,

and (right) me looking forward to my first tasting today - yum yum!

21:00 And there's more history tonight, because we go to bed on this week's programme in Alice Roberts' new "Digging for Britain" series, the series which highlights the leading archaeological discoveries made in the UK over the last 12 months. Tonight Alice, with co-presenter Tori Herridge, is in the north-east of the UK.

And what do you know? Our last Anglo-Saxon king, Harold Godwinson pops up again, although not in person (!), which is nice! One of his grand estates up in the north was identified for the first time last year.

And at nearby Lindores Abbey the earliest known evidence of whisky-making was also found last year, highlighted here by the discovery of a metal barrel-band. 

Whisky became big business for the abbey's monks in medieval times. It seems an odd thing for monks to be spending time on, but, as Lois comments, they would have had to have made a living.  

Poor monks !!!!

Cheers, brethren!!! Or should I say, "Slainte mhath" however you pronounce it !!!!

What a crazy language they speak up there, or used to speak!! And their spelling's even crazier than English, if that's possible!!!!

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzz!!!!!!

Tuesday January 27th 2026 "Do you hate a cheerful voice first thing in the morning? Well, join the club!!!"

Yes, Friends, it's something almost all of us can admit to! There's nothing worse, early in the morning, than somebody who's determined to be cheerful, that's for sure !!!!

It's the big story in today's Onion News for East Hampshire - a sign that the phenomenon is being recognised at last. And maybe the bigwigs in the NHS will eventually decide to do something about it, although I'm not holding my breath!!!!

Poor Wilson !!!!!

And, reading the Onion story this morning here in semi-picturesque Liphook, Hampshire brings an oddly warped smile to the lips of me and my wife Lois - no question!

my wife Lois and me - a recent picture

We both tend to agree with Wilson (see Onion story above!), that the colour orange on a cereal box is the most annoying colour early in the morning. But spare a thought for Lois and me, because today, we've got orange all day, and not just "in our face" (metaphorically!) but also "up our nostrils", to put it mildly!

Yes, today is the day that Lois will be putting the finishing touches to her first batch of 2026 marmalade, which is a big deal for me, going as it does on my morning toast every single day of the year, and sometimes even on my afternoon toast if I'm feeling in the mood !!!!

Lois's day finishing off her first batch of her 2026 vintage marmalade,

seven 1 lb jars of it, resulting in (bottom right) my afternoon toast for today: yum yum!

How does she do it? 

I have no idea how she does it, despite watching her every January with growing desire (for the end result haha!), but today she's finishes up with seven 1 lb jars of the stuff, which is the main thing. And there are still Seville oranges in the larder, so weathermen say there'll be more to come at some point, fingers crossed!!!!

It's a good end to a day, which, I have to say, started badly! No time to linger in bed because Lois had booked a 9:30 am hair appointment with her local stylist Anna, and because of all the rain we've been having, Lois and I have to "squelch" through the mud in the carpark of local East Hampshire Premier League relegation-hopefuls Liphook United, to get to Anna's salon, which is a challenge and a half, believe you me!!!

we park our car in the Liphook United carpark, before having 

a 5 minute "squelch" through the mud to get to the Hair Craft salon,

where Lois has a 9:30 appointment with stylist Anna this morning

"United", as the team is known locally, in their desperate desire to avoid relegation to the lowly East Hampshire Champions League, have started trying to recruit new players as young as 15 months, mainly, perhaps to give the squad "a kick in the backside" (no pun intended!!!!), leading to the inevitable accusations of "cradle-robbing". 

Admittedly, the squad, together with club manager, ashen-faced Ron Knee (59), are always looking over their collective shoulders for fear of deadly local rivals 'Whitehill & Bordon' scooping up the raw young local "toddlers" from under their noses, so we'll see. Watch this space!

after a five-minute "squelch" in the car-park next to local soccer heroes

Liphook United's "hallowed turf", we finally make it to Anna's hair salon for Lois's "trim"

What madness !!!!

But there's even more craziness going on in Hungary today, according to an email from Steve, our American brother-in-law. 

Lois and I take a special interest in Hungarian news, having visited the country several times in the 1990's and 2000's when I was trying (fairly unsuccessfully, I might add!) to learn the language.

flashback to 1994: me (centre), aged 48, on my first ever trip to Hungary, seen here

in the southern town of Pecs, with local friend Istvan and Istvan's son Marty

Steve says that a local political "prank" party in Hungary has been sticking toilet brushes on monuments dedicated to Hungary's most famous gypsy musicians. It was all done to protest against what's been widely dubbed "a racist speech", made recently by the country's Transport Minister Janos Lazar. It's reported that, in his speech, Lazar dubbed the country's Roma minority a "labour reserve", who could be called on to do the jobs that the average Hungarian doesn't like to do, such as cleaning train lavatories.

Kudos, those pranksters! 

A bit unconventional, perhaps, but it's driven the point home, as well as giving it a good old scrub around the sides, that's for sure! And the best part is that no statues (and no toilet brushes!) were harmed in the staging of the protest, which was a nice touch!

20:00 Searching for an "island of sanity" in this crazy world (see stories above!), Lois and I settle down on the couch to watch this week's programme in the Channel 4 series "What Not To Eat".

And as lovers of bread and toast (with or without marmalade!!!!) Lois and I were astonished to hear that 25 million slices of bread are thrown away daily in the UK. Fortunately, tonight, grim-faced presenter Tim Spector shows us how to help cut down on that waste, while at the same time making those carbs healthier for us, which can't be bad!

So what to do about it? 

This question is especially of interest to Lois, who for a few months last year was diagnosed as pre-Type 2 diabetes, before she scrambled out of the danger zone by a combination of determined exercise and sensible eating.

There's one little trick you can do with bread, Spector says. Stick a few slices into a little plastic bag, and pop the bag in the freezer. And magically, next day, when you take the bread out to maybe toast it, it's going to give you a 40% less of a sugar spike than it would have done the day before. 

Why? Because it's not the same bread any more!

Who knew!!!!!

And you can also do things to improve the healthiness of other starchy carbs such as pasta and potatoes, and even white rice. All you do is to take these and cook them, and then simply store them, just in the fridge, overnight. 

So it turns out it's really easy to both reduce food waste and improve the healthiness of our food at the same time.

See? Simples!!!!!

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzzz!!!!!