Yes, Friends, have YOU got curtains in YOUR house? Check before you send me your postcard answer this time - and do it now! And check every single room in your house, not just the shower. Go on, do it now, you'll be glad you did haha!
US authorities are, according to today's Onion News, at last warning the American public about some of the dangers inherent in curtains, so maybe it's time we Brits ought to start being a bit less "cavalier" about them too. What do you think?
And I have to say, reading the Onion story today here in semi-idyllic Liphook, Hampshire, brings a bit of an uneasy smile to the faces of me and my wife Lois, because we're playing with fire ourselves, by ordering yet another curtain from Hillary's, this time for our, otherwise ideal, kitchen-diner.
me and my wife Lois - a recent picture
Oops!!!!! The last thing we want to do is to increase our "creep ratio", the technical term for creeps per square foot !!!!
flashback to October 2025: (left) the social media post from curtain-industry-giants
Hillarys, the post that started the mayhem (!), and (right) me showcasing the last
curtain we bought: we're now ordering a second one for the patio doors in the background
It's going to worry us now, what with the US Curtainmaster-General's statement yesterday, that's for sure! However we forget all our worries, the way we always do - by leaving the house and going for a nice local walk this morning, leaving all of our own personal domestic creeps (!) to their own devices for an hour or so!
And where nicer to walk than over the "hallowed but muddy turf" of local relegation-candidates, East Hampshire Premier League's favourite "whipping boys", Liphook United!
[You're not going there again, are you, Colin? - Ed].
The team's ashen-faced manager Ron Knee (59) has vowed to take the squad, after relegation, "all the way", down to the lowly East Hampshire Championship League, "and beyond", if necessary, which must have cheered "the lads" no end, no question!
we take a walk over the "muddy but hallowed turf" of local soccer anti-heroes, Liphook United
(manager: ashen-faced Ron Knee (59), who's vowed to take them "all the way",
down to the lowly East Hampshire Champions' League, "and beyond", Ron says!)
And the birds are singing, as you can see - it's in anticipation of the mating season, Lois says.
And "did you know that's why Valentine's Day is fixed for February?", Lois adds. Humans don't strictly have a mating season, but many couples get more "in the mood", she explains, when spring starts to spring, so fair enough! We've got two lunch venues in mind for our own celebration of Valentines Day: the Deer's Hut maybe, or the Links Tavern, where we went for Robert Burns Night last weekend, but the jury's still out on that one at the moment.
Your suggestions welcome of course, but keep them clean!!! And postcards only needless to say !!!!
flashback to the weekend: Lois and I celebrate Burns Night at the local Links Tavern.
Should we go there again for Valentine's? I think we should be told !!!!!
It's a bit of a mouthful, isn't it - "Curtainmaster-General" - but, ironically, it could help me with the talk I've been scheduled to do for our local U3A "Intermediate History of English for Old Codgers" group, which I allegedly lead, "for my sins" !!!!
some typical online meetings of the local U3A "Intermediate History of
English for Old Codgers" group, which I allegedly "lead", for my sins (!)
My subject will be, in broad terms, "What sort of English would we be speaking today, if our last Anglo-Saxon king, Harold Godwinson, had defeated the Norman invasion led by William the Conqueror, at the Battle of Hastings back in 1066?". If Harold had defeated William, our language would have avoided centuries of French influence, that's for sure, and our language today would be sounding much more like Dutch, or Danish etc maybe.
The French famously put their adjectives after the noun, not before it: so, for example, camp comedian Larry Grayson's famous "What a gay day!" catchphrase becomes, in French style, "What a day gay!".
the late camp comedian Larry Grayson, with his most famous
catchphrases, "Shut that door!" and "What a gay day!"
"What a day gay!" certainly doesn't sound as funny, somehow, you have to admit. But also, this is probably why all the great offices of state that our Norman conquerors established, are labelled, e.g. "Attorney-General", and not "General Attorney". And hence, also, "Curtainmaster-General". It's all beginning to make a horrible kind of sense now, isn't it!
I wonder.....!
Certainly today is a historic day in our house, with Lois's annual 2026 batch of home-made marmalade beginning to "fly off the shelves" (of our larder!!!!), and on to my tea-time toast!
It's "history on a plate", as far as I'm concerned !!!!
(left) a look-back at some of Lois's classic batches from past Januaries, as well as the present,
and (right) me looking forward to my first tasting today - yum yum!
21:00 And there's more history tonight, because we go to bed on this week's programme in Alice Roberts' new "Digging for Britain" series, the series which highlights the leading archaeological discoveries made in the UK over the last 12 months. Tonight Alice, with co-presenter Tori Herridge, is in the north-east of the UK.
And what do you know? Our last Anglo-Saxon king, Harold Godwinson pops up again, although not in person (!), which is nice! One of his grand estates up in the north was identified for the first time last year.
And at nearby Lindores Abbey the earliest known evidence of whisky-making was also found last year, highlighted here by the discovery of a metal barrel-band.
Poor monks !!!!
Cheers, brethren!!! Or should I say, "Slainte mhath" however you pronounce it !!!!
What a crazy language they speak up there, or used to speak!! And their spelling's even crazier than English, if that's possible!!!!
Will this do?
[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]
22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzz!!!!!!
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