Friday August 30th 2024 "The 'chat' at the next table - more interesting than yours?"

Conversations, eh (!) - most of us have at least one every day, don't we, even if it's just with ourselves (!). And yet no matter how experienced a conversationalist we are, it's so tricky to get the quantity right, isn't it, to put it mildly! Are we saying too much, I wonder, or too little? 

Some people we meet in the daily round overdo it a bit, and others "underdo" it. Is that a word? [Not really! - Ed]. Look at this worrying story from a recent print-edition of Onion News's West Worcestershire Desk's weekly "round-up".

The "diagonally" opposite problem - not having enough to say - is the more common one in my humble opinion (!) - same "source" by the way (!).

[That's enough exclamation marks in brackets (!) - Ed]

Yes, getting it right, that's to say, neither too much nor too little - that's the key, as my medium-to-long-suffering wife Lois and I often say to each other.

Another point - often overlooked - is: not to make your conversation so overly interesting, so that bystanders stop their chatting and start listening to yours: not an experience that Lois and I have to suffer very much - we're both dyed-in-the-wool introverts, so our "chat" is a bit on the dull side, to put it mildly! And I'm a few degrees "dyed-er" than Lois is - is that a word? [Definitely not! - Ed]

Today's an exception, however. My conversation with Lois in the Poolbrook Kitchen and Coffee Shop this morning is so electrifying, so absolutely riveting, that I witness the pleasantly chubby girl with the tattooed legs sitting at the next table to us actually making a signal to her companions to stop talking for a minute, so she can pick up on what we're saying.

us at the Poolbrook Kitchen & Coffee Shop this morning, shortly

before Lois and I begin having "that conversation" - you know

"that one" (!) - note shop owner Andrew hovering casually but 

strategically in the background, also well within "earwigging distance" (!)

the scene at the coffee shop minutes before the pleasantly

chubby  girl with the tattooed legs at the table next to ours

makes a signal to her companions to be quiet a moment

so she can "earwig" on what Lois and I are saying - yikes!

And Lois and I keep returning to the subject, even when we're in bed this afternoon - the only difference being that there's nobody "in the next bed" (!) to "earwig" on us, although we've often suspected our bed is "bugged", although we're not sure who's doing it. Back in March, we saw our afternoon "nap-time" conversation about our newly-installed shed - the one with the faulty bolt on the door - being quoted verbatim in the local Onion News, although with a different couple, arguably more photogenic, being substituted in the picture.

Yes, it was a "doozy" of a blog post, wasn't it, and it quickly went viral at the time. 

the actual scene [redacted] on which the Onion story was based,

featuring Lois and me - the real-life but allegedly 'less glamorous' 

couple than the pair in the Onion print-edition above (!), with,

in an inset, the faulty bolt that had wrecked our 

dreams of owning an "ideal shed"

But let's, for a moment, get back to mine and Lois's chat this morning at the coffee shop (!).

flashback to this morning at the local coffee-shop, minutes

before we begin "that conversation" that everybody's talking about

 "Well, Colin, and what was your riveting conversation with Lois all about today?", I hear you cry! [Not me, I lost interest several - like a billion - column inches ago! - Ed]

Well, seeing as how you're asking (!) we were merely reviewing some of the most interesting stories in Lois's copy of "The Week" magazine, that "plopped" through our letterbox this morning, the weekly periodical that gives a digest of all the big news of the week from home and abroad. Did you get yours today?

As always there's a whole bunch of "doozies" in the mag this week, but if you've got your copy handy, make sure you don't miss the review of their "Book of the Week" on page 23, an assessment of Sarah Rainsford's "Goodbye to Russia". Sarah is now the BBC's East Europe correspondent, based in Warsaw.

Lois and I have often discussed why Russia is still such an awful country. After centuries of having the chance to become civilised, they still can't manage to get it right, can they. They've never really sustained an existence as a decent society like most other countries in Europe have managed to do since medieval times. They're less civilised now than England was 1000 years ago. 

What's wrong with them? In the 1980's and 1990's, Lois and I definitely got the impression that things were moving in the right direction, under Gorbachev and then under Yeltsin - both fundamentally decent men, we thought.

Rainsford, the book of the week's author, was 18 when she first visited Russia, in 1992, where she encountered what she called "a warm, chaotic country" with "unlimited possibility", writes reviewer Charlotte Hobson, writing in The Spectator. 

flashback to 1992: the young Sarah Rainsford's Russian ID card

Rainsford, impressed by what she saw in 1992,  stayed on in the country, studying and working in an Irish bar in St Petersburg. She eventually joined the BBC in 2000, and in 2014 she returned to Moscow as the BBC's Russian correspondent. However she was expelled with a bunch of other foreign journalists, in 2021, with no right to return.

flashback to 2021: the BBC's Sarah Rainsford

is expelled from Russia with no right to return

And The Guardian's Luke Harding, who was expelled at the same time, in his review of Rainsford's book recalls how both their expulsions were preceded by visits from "FSB goons", who left "f*** you" calling cards in both their apartments: a sex manual in Harding's and a large unflushed deposit in each toilet in Rainsford's. 

"What Rainsford's book captures so well", writes Harding, is Russia's "dysfunctional slide into mass murder". Mid-1990's Russia may have been a "gangster's paradise", but for Rainsford and others it seemed to have a bright future, but no longer, however. 

"There is little left now", notes Rainsford, that does not seem tainted.

"Looming over the book is the personality of Vladimir Putin"

In The Times, reviewer Edward Lucas writes, "Looming over [Rainsford's] book is the personality of Vladimir Putin, whose career stretches from the rackety St Petersburg of the 1990's to imperial Moscow and its devastating war machine. Rainsford tells us how Putin wanted to "remake the Russian state as a fearsome instrument of power". But for a long time, there was still enough normality [in Russia] for Putin's objective to remain obscure [my italics].

And Lucas' conclusion? [Rainsford's book] is an important account of Russia's transformation, from a place that "bewitched outsiders" into the "nightmare" of today.

Fascinating stuff isn't it!

21:00 We go to bed on tonight's re-run of "'Allo 'Allo", the 1980's sitcom about René, a French café-owner in World War II, who tries to keep on good terms simultaneously both with the local German army officers and the local French resistance, both of whom drink coffee in his café. 

Yes, it's that sitcom series that ran for longer than the war itself, to put it mildly, i.e. from 1984 to 1992: what madness!!!!!

In this episode from the first series in 1984, René is down in the café cellar with his waitresses, trying to cement a valuable old painting, Van Klomp's "The Madonna With The Big Boobies" into a fireplace, so that the local Gestapo doesn't come to "liberate it".

Get the brick and the cement in, he means, obviously (!).

Ah yes! They don't write dialogue like that any more, do they (!).

[That's one thing to be grateful for (!) - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzz!!!!!

Thursday August 29th 2024 "Seen any hideous man-beasts recently haha?"

Well, things are happening in the normally quiet world of Worcestershire wildlife this morning, that's for sure! Did you get your print copy of the West Worcestershire Desk's Onion News today, and did you see this "doozy" of a "breaking scoop" from the kingdom of the birds ?

And did you see this no less fascinating "doozy" of a scoop from the animal (?) kingdom(!)?

What IS going on in the world of nature locally? I think we should be told. And should we email David "Whispering Dave" Attenborough, to keep him "up to speed"? 

It's a potentially dangerous time for the whole world with the balance of the human-animal relationship seemingly on a knife-edge and veering perilously "out of kilter", yet these stories are still a bit "under the radar", aren't they, which is an alarmingly risky position to be in, to put it mildly.

And it's all "food for thought", not to say a bit of a worry, for my medium-to-long-suffering wife Lois and me, as we embark on what suddenly seems like a potentially perilous morning walk over Poolbrook Common, where we know we will have to pass by the spooky, the mysterious, and the normally deserted, Poolbrook Pond. 

Let's just hope there isn't a hideous man-beast lurking there today in the darkened pond somewhere between its creepy rushes and its hideous willows and other trees.

I send Lois to "check out" the spooky waters of Poolbrook Pond, 

for possible hideous man-beasts, while I stand at a safe distance 

consulting our "guide to hideous man-beasts" and taking 

pictures for our friend David "Whispering Dave" Attenborough

Luckily Onion News supplied a handy "Your Guide to Hideous Man-Beasts" in its print edition this morning. I took the precaution of cutting it out, and I've got it now in the pocket of my stylish Australian hoodie, for reference, as we approach the pond, which is, potentially, a useful "must have".

In the event, the Poolbrook Pond turns out to be empty of hideous man-beasts today, so humanity can breathe again - for now. But it's a bit of a ticking time-bomb, isn't it. Do me a favour, will you, and check YOUR local "spooky pond" for me, and send me a "sitrep" if you can - postcards only, as usual. 

And if there's nothing to report, then a simple "NTR" will suffice. Go and do it now, will you! [Oh just go away, Colin! - Ed]

Lois says it's safe, so I risk checking out the pond myself,

and Phew! Yes it is "NTR" for now, which is a relief!

14:00 And when Lois and I get into bed this afternoon for "nap-time", it's not long before Lois's Huawei starts beeping under the bedclothes, demanding our attention, and then my Samsung starts diddling. And suddenly, it's all about another mythical monster, and an unashamed smoker of a monster, at that - one that hasn't been seen for a while, too: see below! 

And later, when we go downstairs for a cup of tea and some bread and jam on the couch, we read the full story, covering several "column inches" (!), in the latest copy of political magazine Private Eye, which "plopped" through our letter-box yesterday afternoon.

Yes, a Nigel Farage has been seen in Clacton, the Essex seaside resort that's been Nigel's Parliamentary constituency since July's UK General Election. 

Do you think Nigel realised when he stood for Parliament that he might have to serve his local constituents in Clacton, and not just use his position as a convenient "platform" from which to publicise his views on national politics, laudable or not, as the case may be? Again, I think we should be told, don't you?

21:00 We go to bed on the start of a welcome re-run of the old 1980's World War II-based sitcom "Allo Allo", featuring the mild-mannered, and medium-to-long-suffering café-owner kRené (played by Gorden Kaye), who finds that the local French Resistance groups want to use his premises as their clandestine HQ, with their mission to help lost British airmen and secret agents in the run-up to the D-Day landings. Poor René !!!!

One of Jeremy Lloyd and David Croft's many sitcoms, this one was the most ground-breaking in its way, for the first time basing a comedy on a wartime scenario, with its comic but sympathetic portrayals, both of German army officers and bumbling British downed pilots and secret agents, and also of desperately-serious-looking French resistance fighters, all amounting to a bit of a surprising premise for a comedy series.

Another ingenious invention of the writers was to avoid conventional language issues: spoken French was portrayed as English with a French accent, spoken German was represented by English with a German accent, while English was turned into an unbelievably posh British accent of the "Hello Chaps!" variety.

In this scene, café-owner René exploits his "chummy" relationship with the local German officers to help him out get hold of 5 litres of paraffin for a paraffin stove. And he hints to Colonel von Strohm (played by Richard Marner) that Room 6 is available tonight, and that, if he stepped inside the room, the German might find one of the café's waitresses already in it.

When René explains to the waitress, Yvette Carte-Blanche (played by Vicki Michelle), what Colonel von Strohm wants, she's initially dubious about the officer's special requirements, and whether they're worth the paraffin on offer.

Feather dusters are "standard" accessories, aren't they, but I ask Lois, who understands these things, how exactly the egg whisk, not to mention the wet celery and the flying helmet would come into it, but we're both puzzled.

So it's "answers on a postcard please!" time once again, I'm afraid! By tonight if possible haha!

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzz!!!!!

Wednesday August 28th 2024 "Have YOU had a 'quick one' in Clarkson's new pub yet?"

Dear Reader, have you ever been "networked"? What I mean is - have you ever been approached by somebody who thinks you're somebody who can help them further their careers, introduce them to other influential people in their chosen profession, and generally have a more rewarding work life?

Yes, I know it's rather a personal question, and I don't want to 'stir' memories of what can, for many, be a deeply unpleasant experience. But sometimes it's best to get these traumas "out in the open", I feel.

Did you see see that study that came out recently from local academic powerhouse, the University of Worcester [source: Onion News Worcestershire Desk] ?

That game-changing study by local 'boffins' at the University of Worcester is a bit of a "wake-up call" for most of us, isn't it, but I've got some good news for networking's many local victims: the frequency of networking 'assaults' falls sharply when you retire. My medium-to-long suffering wife Lois and I noticed this immediately we retired, back in 2006 - or at least we noticed it within about the first 14 years of retirement - well, we're not "the sharpest tools in the toolbox (!)" - let's just put it that way! 

me (right) and my medium-to-long-suffering wife Lois -

"not the sharpest tools in the toolbox", people have said (!)

Still, when it came to networking, "the penny dropped" eventually, even with us, which is the important thing! 

And another thing Lois and I have noticed is that a lot of some of the nastiest "networking" incidents happen either in pubs or in pub car-parks, maybe during, or after, work 'do's' or outings etc. Am I right, or am I right? (!) 

a superficially charming networker (right), with elderly victim, in a pub...

... or this other networker (right) see here with his victim in a pub car-park,

a reminder that networkers can be either (or "any" (!)) gender !!!

Right now, however, there's good news for all networking victims. And as far as the most persistent networking 'assailants', are concerned, their days may be numbered. Did you see this article last year in the Guardian?

And that's probably why Jeremy Clarkson's bid to "buck the trend" by opening his own shiny-new Cotswold pub with its amusing name of "The Farmer's Dog", has made such a big splash around "these here parts", as people say in "these here parts" (!).

The other day, there was practically no other news, here in the normally quiet counties of Worcestershire and Gloucestershire, apart from Clarkson-related trivia. You must have noticed that! Of the six so-called "headlines" on one of our local news websites a few days ago, no fewer than 3 were Clarkson stories. What madness!!!!

And the Malvern Gazette's (in my view) most promising young "cub" reporter, Charlotte Albutt contributed an important insight into the Clarkson phenomenon, by interviewing the young couple from Gloucester who were first inside the pub's shiny-new doors.

In her informative write-up of the event, ace-reporter Albutt noted the following interesting background details, including a bit of back-story on the pub's first-ever customers, Gloucester couple Lauren Hanly and Blake Jones:

And readers, isn't it so nice to see that picture of Clarkson himself behind the bar, with his current "squeeze" at his side, regaling customers with his entertaining views on the economy, including the price of pig-meat and other "chewy issues" (!).

The last word on the subject, however, must surely go to my fortnightly copy of political magazine "Private Eye", which "plopped" through our letter-box this morning:

Enough said, I think. The future of the traditional country pub is now safe, at least in "these here parts" - that's for certain, to put it mildly!

flashback to August 2022: us lunching in the garden of the Daylesford

Organic Food Shop near Chipping Norton - known as "the UK's 

poshest farm-shop", the business whose "wicked prices" 

originally inspired Clarkson to go into the organic food business...

...and us today, bypassing the "farm shop racket" completely,

becoming hunter-gatherers in the local blackberry bushes: 

as usual Lois comes away with twice my meagre "haul" 

[You lazy bastard Colin! Lois busy in the bushes, while you "ponce around" in your Australian "hoodie", taking selfies and eating most of your 'haul' as you go along - I know how you operate, I've got your number! - Ed]

Meanwhile, a visit by us to "The Farmer's Dog" is definitely "on the cards", so watch this space for one of our trademark hard-hitting reviews!

[Clarkson must be quaking in his boots (!) - Ed]

21:00 We go to bed on the second episode of sitcom "Nighty Night" from the early 2000's, written by, and starring Julia Davis. Oh dear - yes it's that excruciating sitcom all about Bristol beauty-salon owner, Jill, the epitome of "self-fulness" - is that a word? [No! - Ed]. You know, the woman who discovers that her husband is suffering from a terminal illness. She's a forward-looking woman, and so starts 'looking ahead' to find a replacement for him, before he's even dead yet. Yikes!

In the previous episode, we saw Jill at a dating agency, trying to find her future Husband Number Two, with the help of the agency's friendly IT-literate rep, Glen Furze, played by Marc Wootton. First Jill gives her ideal age-range for her new man: somewhere between 18 and 71, she thinks.

During her interview the 'ideal height' issue reared its head: do you remember?

In this episode, we discover that Jill later went on a date with dating site rep Glen himself, but the date must have gone badly, it seems.

In this scene, Jill is looking for some sexy underwear in a sex-shop when, by chance, she bumps into Glen, barely recognisable in his shiny-new "sex wig", coming out of the fitting room:

Poor Julia !!! But it's always embarrassing isn't it, diarrhoea, especially on a first date!

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzz!!!!