Danskcolin: Tuesday August 27th 2024 "The 'inside-legs' of Welsh shepherdesses

Dear Reader, may I ask you a rather personal question?

Are you an avid TV viewer? A lot of us are, aren't we. And if YOU are, like me and my medium-to-long-suffering wife Lois, you've got to expect disasters in your dramas, haven't you - I think it was a truth first realised by a local guy from "around these here parts", as they say "around these here parts" (!) - yes, little Lawrence Berry from the lovely Worcestershire village of East Leake was the first to stumble on this one, wasn't he.

Do you remember the report, all those years ago? That bombshell Onion News front-page report that kickstarted all those academic studies, that concluded (eventually!) with this "truism"?

And the thing about these "truisms" is that, once somebody points them out, they seem obvious - have you noticed? A good thing in a way because it means ordinary viewers like Lois and me aren't too shellshocked when the inevitable "plot twist shockers" unfold, before our very eyes, which is probably a good thing at our "advanced age" (!), isn't it!

"The shocks we have!", was the frequent cry of my dear late mother in her declining years, and finally we're beginning to see what she meant.

If you're an avid sitcom viewer, for instance, you won't be surprised when one half of a couple, usually the man (!), appears to have forgotten a wedding anniversary. While the other partner storms off to get drunk in a local bar or go home to mum, we get the pleasure of seeing the supposedly "forgetful" partner putting the finishing touches to their "surprise party", assembling all their friends and family and putting the lights out when they hear the angry partner returning home, drunk as a skunk or dissolving into tears. It's a real "doozy" of a trope, isn't it!

Yes, it's all the most tremendous fun, but it isn't real life, Lois and I have found - at our 'advanced age' it's usually both partners who forget, like in this real-life tragedy reported in the local Onion just the other week:

You won't catch Lois and me making this mistake - we've both signed up to an email service that reminds us of all these "red-letter days" in the calendar, birthdays and anniversaries included. So when, in the far future, TV drama-writers get around to dramatising our lives for TV, that's one "trope" that will seem totally out of character to viewers in this area, at least - that's our proud boast anyway!

[Get on with it! - Ed]

Well, seeing as how you're obviously short of time today, I'll get to the point. [Finally! - Ed]

Lois and I have booked a table at local watering-hole The Plough and Harrow today for our 52nd wedding anniversary, an anniversary which actually fell 2 days ago on Sunday, but we put back everything till today - the exchange of cards, the nice meal out, and the 52nd anniversary afternoon-in-bed: the whole "kit'n'caboodle" postponed till today, just to avoid the "crowds".

look at us today - all dressed up for our 52nd anniversary.
Awwwww !!!!!

Weekend crowds? Well, admittedly, there weren't any crowds in our bed over the weekend - we hit lucky there (just joking!!!), but there would have been crowds at the pub on Sunday or even Monday, given that it was a 3-day weekend, with Monday being a bank holiday.

Even today, a Tuesday lunchtime, it isn't as quiet in the Plough and Harrow as we would have liked ideally, but we put on a brave face and "soldier on", in no small part thanks to today's featured gin, the Antwerp-inspired Buss No. 509 - "if you missed it, don't worry, there'll be another one along in a minute!", as I say jokingly to our charming waitress!

we join the other local "old codgers" in the Plough and Harrow

this lunchtime, enjoying the pub's pre-lunch special today, their

Buss No. 509 gin - slogan "There'll be another one along in a minute!"

My goodness - 52 years, eh? Where did they all go?

flashback to 1972: our honeymoon in Norway -

happy days !!!!!

So, all in all a busy Tuesday today for us, in our terms. And when evening falls we both feel the need to "unwind" on the couch, with our standard TV fare these days: old sitcoms.

Dear reader, if you're "somebody without a uterus" (!), here's another even more personal question for you: can you remember what your "inside leg measurement" is? I think mine is (still, even after 52 years (!!!!) ) 32 inches ideally, but I sometimes settle for a 31, depending on the make of the trousers. Some manufacturers seem to prefer "odd" lengths and others, "even" ones, and I've never been sure why. It's just one of life's many mysteries.

Is it tied to the CEO's religion or political affiliation, perhaps? I think we should definitely be told, don't you (!).

[That's enough exclamation marks in brackets (!) - Ed]

"Why are you interested in my inside-leg measurement, Colin?", I hear you cry. [Not me - I've given up and gone away (!) - Ed]

Well, seeing as how you're interested (!), it's because there's an interesting discovery made tonight in the old 1970's/1980's sitcom "Are You Being Served?", which was based around the adventures of staff in the menswear and womenswear departments of an old-fashioned London department store, Grace Bros, on the U&Drama TV channel tonight - did you see it? [No, I've got better things to do with my time! - Ed] [Oh so we're back now are we? - Colin] [Turns out I haven't got anything better to do, sadly (!), so try and keep it short, Colin, won't you, I'm hoping to get to bed some time before 2 am (!) - Ed]

tonight's listings in Radio Times for the U&Drama

channel, including an old episode of "Are You Being Served?",

the long-running 1970's/1980's TV sitcom

If you were watching, I'm sure you'll have seen a surprising discovery made in the menswear department - a mystery pair of trousers discovered in the stock room by camp menswear head-salesman, Mr Humphries: a pair of trousers ordered by a customer, but never collected.

Makes sense, doesn't it, if you're spending your days on a steep Welsh hillside, as many of us are (!).

And we all had a jolly good laugh over that scene, didn't we [Speak for yourself! - Ed]

But there's a serious point here also.

Recently I was told, on a routine visit to one of the county's local NHS hospitals, that one of my legs was "5mm" shorter than the other one, which I calculate to be about one fifth of an inch. And the hospital's "orthotics department" kindly fitted me with a couple of free NHS "partial insoles", completely undetectable to casual observers: one for my slippers and one for my outdoor shoes.

flashback to June: I showcase my 100% undetectable

shiny-new blue NHS insole - the one for my slippers.

Stylish or what haha!

Could I perhaps, for maximum comfort and style, have my trousers specially "tailor-made" in future, specifying one inside leg of 32 inches and the other of 31 and four-fifths?

It's a luxury some would say is a bit over-the-top, but I always say, "Never be afraid to dream that dream", however impossible it seems, and then, to top it all by "living that dream".

I wonder.... !!!!

As a footnote, here are some typical steep Welsh hillsides, one very steep and one not-so-steep. What inside leg(s) would you advise for this typical Welsh shepherdess, I wonder?