Monday September 28th 2026 "Clothes - always a worry! Are YOU certain you're dressed appropriately for the day's duties?"

Yes Friends, just take a look in the mirror! Are you dressed in the right 'togs' for what you've got to do today? Clothes are a real nuisance, aren't they - they cause us trouble when they need a wash, or have had a wash, and they even cause us trouble when they're nice, even, which is mad!!!!

One thing's for certain - you can't keep CLOTHES - whether nasty or nice, out of the headlines, as you'll see from today's Onion News. Just turn to page 94  for Colin's pick of today's "doozies" on the clothing front !!!!

It's all madness when it comes down to it, isn't it! However, the stories bring an eery wink to the eye of me and my wife Lois today, here in semi-attractive Liphook, Hampshire, as we take our near-daily walk over the 'hallowed turf' of local Hampshire Premier League soccer heroes Liphook United - no question about that!

my wife Lois and me today, taking our near daily walk over the

'hallowed turf' of Hampshire Premier League giants, Liphook United

Certainly, much of the clothing that Lois and I have selected to wear for our walk today, has already been dubbed by our neighbours as "nothing to write home about", but there are few local residents to silently mock us as we proceed on our way this morning, so that's a comfort!

Lois always looks presentable, and she's got two separate sections in her wardrobe, one clearly labelled 'nice clothes' and the other 'casual clothes'. However, as for Yours Truly, well, I've got the self-same 2 sections in my wardrobe, but my labelling is poor, and in any case, all my clothes look decidedly 'casual', sadly, and even to call them 'casual' is actually a massive compliment! My mistake is that, on the rare occasions when I buy a new clothing item, I tend to 'wear it to death', so that it quickly looks just like all the clothes in my so-called 'casual' section, which is annoying!

examples of typical wardrobes - (left) organised, and (right) "messy" (!)

The worst thing, is that I feel I'm letting my family down, being distantly related to two of Hollywood's sharpest dressers, Richard Harris (Harry Potter's Dumbledore), and Rex Harrison (Professor Higgins in "My Fair Lady"), no less!!!

And if you're reading this blog, please please don't tell either Richard or Rex about my sloppy appearance - it will mortify them !!!

[I think you'll find they've both been 'pushing up the daisies' for several decades now, Colin. Just saying! - Ed]

Help is at hand, however, after Steve, my American brother-in-law, a couple of days ago sent me details of an article in the Guardian about the 1000-year-old Bayeux Tapestry, currently on display in the British Museum, on temporary loan from the French Government. 

Lois and I fondly remember seeing the tapestry ourselves, in France, during our 1996 holiday over there.

flashback to 1996: us in Normandy, on our first holiday without our increasingly

independent two teenage daughters, both now for the first time 'doing their own thing' (!)

The 230-feet long tapestry famously depicts the conquest of England by William the Conqueror, Duke of Normandy, but also has some helpful hints, along the way, about how to dress (and perhaps more importantly) how not to dress (!).

The above pictures show the English royalty at the time of the 11th century Norman invasion, with (left) Anglo-Saxon king, Edward the Confessor, and (right) Edward's chosen successor, Harold Godwinson. 

Note Edward's impressive crown, and what the article calls "the nifty stitching on his shins", and his fashionable bench, which was looking stylishly lion-headed and lion-footed. Harold (above, right), not to be outdone, is carrying a hawk - 'the medieval equivalent of a Birkin or a Rolex', as the article says, and he's also mounted on a real stallion, the equivalent of a Tesla or a Range Rover today, with a 'swanky saddle' that has the air of 'today's leather, heated seats' (!). 

Nice!

In this second pair of figures from the tapestry, both French this time, we have (left) Count Guy of Ponthieu, who was responsible for arresting Harold during an earlier visit to Normandy, and (right) Duke William of Normandy, who led the successful invasion of England in 1066, winning the Battle of Hastings, and becoming King of England after Harold's death at the battle.

Note not just Count Guy's impressive-looking axe, but also his 'pretty tunic and stripy tights' and his 'two-tone garters' - nice (again)! Could that be my own new look, perhaps? I wonder if they've got something like those tights and garters in British Home Stores (BHS), maybe?

[BHS went out of business years ago, several yeats after you last graced their menswear department, Colin! - Ed]

The Guardian article, however, suggests that the depiction of Guy in the tapestry was probably designed to make him look overly 'fancy' and perhaps even 'effeminate' - and I couldn't help noticing the somewhat camp-ish, limp hand placed on his hip. So perhaps not!

By contrast, Duke William of Normandy (above, right) is obviously meant by the tapestry-designers to be super-impressive. Note the unusual ribbons on his gold-bordered cloak, his double gold belt and spurs: all a sign that this was one continental Duke who was clearly going places, to put it mildly!!!

But wait, there's more - just look at these additional pictures from the tapestry: (1) Bishop Odo, Duke William's half-brother, who sponsored the tapestry in the first place, and (2) a surprise late entry in the tapestry, mysterious Englishwoman Aelfgyva [Who she? - Ed].

Bishop Odo on the black horse in the picture on the left (above) is pictured as particularly heroic, the article says, 'galloping onto the battlefield to rally the troops', accoutred in 'really fancy armour', looking strikingly different from all the other Normans.

Also he has the horse with the biggest genitals (ringed) - this is 'manspreading the medieval way', according to the article - but what madness !!! No wonder the Normans won the battle !!!!!

Also, above right, we see the depiction of mysterious Englishwoman Aelfgyva, who must presumably have been some sort of 'player' in the Norman invasion, although nobody knows for sure who she was. It's interesting that, in the tapestry, her cheek is being patted or pinched by a priest. And, in a couple of insets along the bottom hem of the tapestry, we see a naked man, possibly the priest, so perhaps Aelfgyva, figured in some long-forgotten sex scandal, experts believe.

But what a crazy world they live in, back in those far-off times!!!!

20:00 Well, Lois and I may not be as well-dressed as those Normans and Anglo-Saxons of old, but at least tonight we can show that at least we've got the odd nugget of knowledge in our 'noddles', which is some mild compensation!!!

Yes, you've guessed it! It's Monday night, and it's quiz night on BBC2, including our favourite TV quiz, Only Connect, which tests lateral thinking, which is nice!

 

(left) presenter Victoria Coren-Mitchell, and (right) tonight's two teams

Lois and I always like to pit our own wits against the teams, and we've particularly on form tonight, getting several answers to question that stump all 6 contestants, which is nice!

Here are a few examples - see how many of these 'doozies' YOU can answer!!!

First what would be a fourth element in this puzzling 'sequence'?

This stumped both teams, but Lois and I realised that there's potentially a sequence of missing pairs of vowels here: 'AE-rate', 'EI-derdown', 'IO-dine' - so, for the fourth element in the sequence we want something that you can stick the vowels 'OU' in front of, to form a proper word - try it and see!!!

Simples!!!!

How about this one?

Simples (again) because these are obviously cryptic crossword clues for "No", "Pain", "No", so what we need for the fourth element in the sequence is a cryptic crossword clue for "Gain". Make up your own one here haha! But once again, both teams are stumped by this one, while Lois and I keep yelling at them through the screen, to absolutely no avail !!!!

Finally, can YOU spot the connection between these 4 apparently unrelated clues?

Of course, these are the first part of the names of 4 top UK and/or Australian TV soap operas: Brookside, Eastenders, Coronation Street and Neighbours. "Too easy!" you'd think, but it stumps the team, while Lois and I can show we're still "at the top of our game", that's for sure!!!

Here's a final one:

Shame on you, teams, not knowing your way around Australian Prime Ministers - what madness, isn't it!!!! Once more, Lois and I know better, to put it mildly!!!!

But what a crazy world we live in !!!!!

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed, 'clever clogs' (!) - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzz!!!!!