Tuesday April 1st 2025 "Have YOU ever tried to get into Guildford in an alien spacecraft?"

Yes, how on earth (no pun intended!!!) did the alien known as Ford Prefect, the mystery guy from the star Betelgeuse in "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe", exactly how did he find his way into central Guildford, Surrey, that day so long ago now, back in 1976 or whenever?

It's a question that's often been asked, isn't it!

He didn't come along the A3, I'm guessing - recall that he was coming from "a small planet in the vicinity of [the star] Betelgeuse in Orion's Belt, so over 600 light years from central Surrey. Somehow or other, anyway, he did manage to get into Guildford and, later that day, he had this iconic conversation in a local pub with the humourless Earthling Arthur Dent - remember?

Yes, it was later that very day that Ford Prefect famously "came out as an alien" in a public bar, with these exact words to Dent: "How would you react if I told you I'm not from Guildford after all, but from a small planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse?"

To which earthling Arthur Dent replies, "I don't know [how I'd react]. [Do you] think it's the sort of thing you're likely to say???? "

This is when Prefect comes up with his world-record conversation-stopper..."Drink up, the world's about to end!"

My medium-to-long-suffering wife Lois and I have speculated that Prefect may have "dropped in" on Earth at Guildford's iconic Surrey Satellite Technology Centre in the Surrey Research Park, in which case he could have taken a route such as the following (just speculating!):

I wonder....! Other routes are available, however, so the jury's still out on that one.

Poor Lois and me weren't so lucky this morning, however, when we tried to get from leafy, semi-rural Liphook into that same Surrey Research Park, and into the futuristic Optegra Laser Eye Centre, actually quite close to the where Ford Prefect may have landed all those years ago. You see,  "for our sins (!)", we had to approach the area along the A3 Guildford and Godalming By-pass, because Lois has an appointment to have her eyes "looked at". 

Oh dear!

And despite getting up "bright and bushy-tailed" at the "unearthly" [Sorry aliens - no pun intended!!!!], at the unearthly hour of 6:30 am, it took us a full hour to traverse the 16 mile journey along the dreadfully gridlocked A3 public highway. It's normally just a 19-minute "hop-and-a-skip", but not this morning, apparently.

What madness !!!!!

(left) me, "bright and bushy-tailed", and "ready to drive" at 7:25 am this morning,

and (centre) the gridlocked A3 along the Guildford and Godalming Bypass, and (right)

an exhausted Lois and me, an hour later, in the waiting-area of the Optegra Eye Hospital.

What madness!!!!

When we eventually (!) get through the gridlocked A3 and into the Optegra Eye Hospital, we do get seen very promptly, I have to admit. 

And, even before we get home to Liphook later in the morning, we get a text from the hospital, saying Lois can have her actual surgery in only a week's time - even though it's going to be fully NHS-funded - so even the price is right, which is nice! So no complaints there.

the futuristic Optegra Eye Hospital in the Surrey Research Park,

Guildford, where Lois will have her cataract surgery on the NHS next week

The morning is all a bit traumatic, however, and Lois and when I get home to Liphook again about 11:30am, we're feeling totally shattered, what with the early start and the gridlocked traffic etc. We spend the afternoon in bed in an effort to "catch up", but before that we go for a 4000-step walk on Old Man Lowsely's Farm, looking for signs of spring and doing a bit of "rough-housing" in the gorse (!). 

Well, it might be our last chance to "rough-house" for a while, literally! There'll be no rough-housing in the month after Lois's surgery, that's for sure, as we discover when we read Optegra's scary "Health and Safety" booklet when we eventually come downstairs about 4 pm. 

Feeling totally shattered, Lois and I go for a walk over Old Man Lowsely's Farm, 

looking for signs of spring (left) and taking the chance to do a bit of "rough-housing"

ahead of Lois's eye cataract surgery which is only a week away now - yikes!

Lois reading Optegra's Pre-Surgery booklet this afternoon, with its

short list of "Do's" and its much longer list of "Don'ts" - yikes!!!

"Rough-housing" and similar "larking about" activities of a physical nature aren't mentioned specifically, we notice, but maybe we should try to stay off them, just to be on the safe side. It says no sports apart from walking, and those things are kind of like sports aren't they.

Thoughts, Friends????  Postcards only, remember!!!! And if you've got any helpful photos, please email them to the usual address: no more that 100 per person, remember - and all the usual terms and conditions apply, needless to say (!).

16:00 Other than that, I spend the day working on my contribution to next week's online Zoom meeting of the U3A old codgers "History of English" group, which I lead, "for my sins" (!!!). 

Our group will be discussing instances of where languages do 'weird' things compared to their "sister-languages". 

For my contribution, I'll be comparing English to German (German being the 'weird' one of the two, needless to say!!!), and on the way back from Lowsely's Farm this afternoon, I pick up an exciting-looking "History of German" book, which I ordered from Amazon and which I collect today at the local Coop and Post Office on Headley Road. 

And later, I start to compare the book's findings with a thought-provoking article by the University of Nevada's Thomas Werner, on why the German language is so weird compared to the "much more reasonable" sister-languages English and Swedish, for example.

(left) the exciting-looking History of German book that I collect today from

the Coop/Post Office on Headley Road - no  more waiting in for deliveries for me.

Oh no! And (right) a thoughtful article from University of Nevada's Thomas Werner's

about why German is so much weirder than English and Swedish, say

My premise for next week's meeting - and this is Medium-to-Top-Secret information until next Friday's meeting, by the way, so no blabbing to group members haha !!!!! - is that it's all because England became a proper country much earlier than Germany, perhaps a bit too early in some ways.

England realised that she was a separate country quite early on in history - we had lots of sea coasts, which clearly differentiated us from our neighbours, who were so obviously "foreign" and so obviously totally un-English. 

medieval Europe: England was mostly surrounded

by water, and quickly realised that it was a proper country,

and that therefore "everybody else must be foreigners"

And also, as a result, England quickly developed a "standard national language", quite early on - a bit too early, in many respects, because pronunciation still had some changes to make later, which is why today, the whole world's Anglosphere is stuck with our language's "rubbish" spelling.

World English - stuck with "rubbish" spelling  

By contrast Germany, in medieval times, was a patchwork quilt of different little states, and so, unlike the English, they didn't develop a standard language. When the country eventually united, in the late 19th century, therefore, they had to quickly "invent" a standard German language. 

Germany's linguistic pundits of the time were anxious that their new standard language should look "respectably complicated", and that's why they based the grammar of the new "standard German" on a mixture of Latin grammar and the grammar of Martin Luther's 16th century German-language Bible.

What madness !!!!

flashback to 1534: Martin Luther working on the

first ever translation of the Bible into his local form of German,

using an antiquated grammar that was to become the new "standard" German

What madness, wasn't it !!!!!

But there you are, and it's all starting to make sense now, I think you'll realise!

In sum, this is why the English-speaking world today has to cope with "rubbish spelling", reflecting outdated pronunciation, while the German-speaking world has to cope with "rubbish grammar" - a grammar in which nouns and verbs can take on, like a billion - more probably! - different "endings", depending on their function in the sentence.

Poor German-speakers !!!!!!

part of just one typical page in a typically "hefty" (!) 

German grammar primer - what madness !!!! 

Yes, what madness!!! But my talk at next Friday's group meeting is sure to bring me possibly my warmest plaudits ever from my fellow group members, that's for sure. I'll print a selection of members' reviews in my blog for Saturday week, so watch this space!

[Thanks for the "heads-up", Colin. I'll be sure not to bother reading that one! - Ed]

Luckily, I'm a "natural" public speaker, so my remarks at next week's meeting are sure to astound my little audience, there's no doubt about that!

Unlike poor "Sunshine Deserts Ltd" middle-manager Reggie Perrin, whose mid-life crisis was chronicled so perfectly in the 1970's TV series "The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin", an episode of which Lois and I go to bed on, tonight, by coincidence! 

It's the episode where poor Reggie makes his disastrous speech to the British Fruit Association - remember that one? 

forty-something Reggie Perrin, middle-manager at

Sunshine Desserts Ltd, who's in the middle of a mid-life crisis

Poor Reggie !!!!

We know Reggie is nervous about giving his speech to the British Fruit Association, because even before he leaves home in the morning, 

 he's using "inappropriate" words in his conversation with his wife Elizabeth over breakfast. Then, when he gets to the Conference Centre, he has too much to drink over lunch before he gets up on stage. 

It was all a bit of a recipe for disaster (no pun intended!!!!), wasn't it, and quite hard to watch in many ways! Remember? (!!!). 

[I don't think anybody remembers these old programmes apart from you two 'numpties', Colin! - Ed]

even over breakfast with wife Elizabeth, Lois and I can tell

that Reggie is feeling nervous, because he's already

using the wrong words in his replies to her questions.

What madness !!!!!

Oh dear - already slightly ominous, isn't it! And did YOU notice that "the 'earwig word', or the 'e-word' as Lois and I call it (!)" cropped up again almost immediately, more or less as soon as Reggie started making his speech to the Conference?

And even when Reggie really gets going with his speech, and gets really "warmed up", even then his use of the appropriate words doesn't improve, Lois and I notice with no little alarm and foreboding, I have to admit (!).

Oh dear! And Reggie's big speech only gets worse after that point, proceeding apace but going rapidly downhill at the same time, which isn't good, to put it mildly. Even the chairman notices something's going awry, suspecting that Reggie may have had too much to drink at lunch !!!!

Eventually, and somewhat inevitably perhaps, Reggie is bundled unceremoniously off stage by officials.

Well, I suppose Reggie "got his just desserts" after all (no pun intended !!!!), and his speech, when reviewed later by attendees at the Conference, only just scraped a "one star" rating, which was probably more than he deserved anyway.

[That's enough rubbish unintentional puns! - Ed]

However, Reggie's anguished query, all those years ago, to his audience, "[Is there] anybody here from Tarporley?", an obscure little quiet, semi-rural town in Cheshire - that anguished query was destined to become, in our family, a joke remark that we made whenever we couldn't think of something to say.

So something good came from all that madness, which is a nice thought!

What numpties we are, and no mistake !!!!!

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzz!!!!!

Monday March 31st 2025 "Do you like to buy cheap, flashy clothes and throw them away a couple of days later?"

Yes, do you believe in so-called "fast fashion", Friends? "Fast fashion" in the sense of "inexpensive clothing produced rapidly by mass-market retailers in response to the latest trends"? 

[What other sense has it got, Colin?! - Ed]

"Inexpensive? What's not to like, Colin!", I hear you cry. [Not me, I've already given up on this post and I'm propping up the bar at my nearest 'local' ! - Ed] 

Well, fast fashion has its downsides too, as this story in this morning's Onion reveals, and none too gently, might I add! [Get on with it! - Ed]

Oops, "don't have the body for it" - that's me and my medium-to-long-suffering wife Lois "to a T" ! And to be honest, there aren't many things that we HAVE got the body for, that's for sure, and "fast fashion" is probably at the top of the list!

And it gives us a giggle when, later, an email comes in from Steve, our American brother-in-law, with this week's pick of the Venn diagrams that he monitors for us on the web:

Luckily we can hold our hands up and plead "not guilty" to any claim that we're addicted to fast fashion, although we must admit to grating more than a few ounces of cheese on a lot of our low-sugar, low-salt staples, to put it mildly! 

"Slow fashion" is what we can be accused of, and there isn't a jury in the land that would acquit us on that particular charge! Lois recalls, when she used to work as a cleaner at a local care-home for retired vicars, she complained to her boss that there were fewer and fewer clothes shops in town that catered for "the older woman", her boss Julie asked her, "How often do YOU buy a new outfit, then, Lois?", and  that's when the penny dropped. Any shop would be out of business within months if it relied on the town's older women to stop by and "splash out" on something, and Lois had to admit this.

But what a crazy world we live in !!!!

flashback to circa 1995: Lois (right) and her fellow cleaners, dressing

up as schoolgirls for "Red Nose Day", wearing my old Grammar School tie

the Gloucestershire County Air Ambulance, rumoured to be

put on stand-by whenever the care home's vicars were due to be

getting another "eyeful" of their cleaners in something "ungodly".

Oh dear !!!!

What crazy days those were!

And it's a bit of a crazy day for Lois and me today, if we're honest. Still getting used to the clocks going forward an hour yesterday, we get up late and stumble out for a walk over the "rec" (recreation ground) looking for signs of spring, before signing up for a "Latin class" with the local U3A. The leader, Joe, has invited us for an interview over coffee and cake at his house next week - what madness !!!!

After years of being members of U3A groups that, since COVID, have only met online, it'll be a nice change to be in a group that meets "in the flesh", and a bit scary at the same time.

a typical U3A group meeting "in the flesh"

We also have an eventful chat over the phone with Jill, my sister, and we talk of yet another cousins' get-together planned for next June, either in Oxford or in Beaconsfield, Bucks. Jill and I used to have a ton-load of cousins - like a billion of them, probably more! [It's only about 30, Colin, get real! - Ed] 

However at our advanced aged, sadly, the number is more likely to go down with each passing year, rather than to go up, to put it mildly! 

Where are all those aunts and uncles now, the ones who we might encourage to "get busy" and produce another cousin for us, as we sadly remark!

flashback to September 2023: a cousins' get-together

at my cousin Jeannette's house in Beaconsfield, Bucks,

including Susan (5th from left) who flew in from Colorado USA, 

also Lois (2nd from right).

our cousins' get-together in 2007

Yikes! The drop-off rate is not quite as bad as it seems, however, because the 2007 photo includes some of those aunts and uncles, and also cousins' children etc, so three generations. Also, some of our cousins are in the US or in Australia, so they're not like to come at their advanced age. Nevertheless Hilary, our youngest cousin, at around only 67 years of age - what a young "whippersnapper" (!),  has promised she'll be trying to get here from her home near Sydney, New South Wales, which will be nice.

Hopefully some of the next generation will be joining us "old codgers" at the cousins' get-together this year, including our own daughter Alison, who's 49 but will be approaching the big "Five-Oh" in August herself - yikes (again) !!!!!

Lois and me, on our walk over the local "rec" today,

rejoicing at the signs of the arrival of spring - see bottom right

21:00 We go to bed on ex-cabinet minister Michael Portillo's latest "Great Continental Train Adventure" - after Scandinavia, he's now moved over to Brittany, France.

Lois and I didn't know that during World War II the Nazis had a massive submarine base at Lorient, from which they used to raid allied shipping - including the food supplies from North America that kept the UK going for 6 years. The Allies tried repeatedly to bomb the facility, which enabled submarines to leave and return entirely under water. 

The facility with its concrete shell proved to be impregnable and unbombable, as you might expect. The Allies, however, responded by bombing the town itself, although most of the residents managed to get away before the bombing campaign started. 

By May 1943, we hear, nothing remained - the town was in ruins, but the submarine base remained standing. After the war the residents just calmly returned and started to rebuild their town.

Incredibly, however, it seems that the local residents have borne no lasting grudge against the Allies for this policy, such was the disdain they felt for the occupying Germans, according to this local historian.

Blimey! Desperate times.

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzzz!!!!!