Dear reader, may I ask you yet another (sorreeeee!!!!) personal question-and-seven-eighths (!)?
Here's the thing.... on a scale of nought to ten, how spontaneous are you? And, if you've got a partner, how spontaneous are they? Bet that made you stop and think for a moment didn't it!!!!
If you're scoring a flat zero on this one, both for yourself and your partner, don't be too concerned, because that's the score that my medium-to-long-suffering wife Lois and I come in at, to put it mildly! Local critics on our estate have dubbed us "as spontaneous as a pair of Ming vases" (!).
my medium-to-long-suffering wife Lois and me: local critics on
our housing estate have dubbed us "as spontaneous as a
pair of Ming vases": here we're seen celebrating with a hot chocolate
the predictability of our statins prescription-re-orders: need I say more haha!
And Lois and I are quite willing to join in the laughter with our critical neighbours on this one: yes, we're always happy to laugh at ourselves. Privately, however, we tend to think that "being spontaneous" can be over-rated as a talent, as countless local news stories will vouch for.
It's a topical theme at the moment in the local press. And Onion News (West Worcestershire Desk) has more.....and the stories are coming in thick and fast!
I've got - like - a billion of them in my blog office's special "spontaneity" folder alone - they're almost getting to be "legion", to put it mildly!
Here's just a couple of recent "doozies", to put you in the picture:
And in any case, the joys of spontaneity never last long, do they, as a recent study by local sexologist Lorna Sullivan, from the nearby University of Worcester just up the road from here - would you believe - has more than amply demonstrated. Again, Onion News has more....
Well, if that's the best that spontaneity can do for you, Lois and I are more than happy to be "as spontaneous as a pair of Ming vases", as our neighbours claim!
Of the two pairs, Lois's are arguably the better fit, although it takes both of us to get them off her, which is a bit crazy.
The sun even makes an appearance this morning too, which is nice, although we know it's only a temporary respite from all the rain we're getting at the moment. And our neighbours a bit nearer to the mighty River Severn - including our favourite supermarket, Warner's - are already starting to take flooding precautions - yikes!
And later today, around 7pm, when I look at my phone, I see that Worcester News's ace cub reporter Daniel "Scoop" Kelly has one hour ago confirmed the supermarket's worst fears:
Yikes! Here we go again - and maybe the predicted flooding at Upton this weekend will stop me driving Lois to her church's two Sunday Morning meetings just outside Tewkesbury - but we'll see. Watch this space for further developments! [I don't think I'll bother! - Ed]
Enough said. Presentation "sorted", I think it's safe to say!
And we're delighted tonight to see that our favourite guest presenter, Prof. Hannah Fry - the professor with the quirky sense of humour - is in charge of proceedings, and here we see her cracking jokes and making the two teams and the audience fall about, even before the programme starts, which is a good omen.
Poor Greggs !!!!
Oh dearie me, poor Liz !!!!!
Every so often, however, we like to surprise both ourselves and also our neighbours (if they're looking through our windows!) by behaving outrageously, if only for half an hour or so, usually between 2pm and 3pm, although the times of our "spontaneity" can vary - we don't want to get too predictable in our unpredictability haha!
11:30 And this morning, when we're driving home from our daily walk on the common, Lois happens to mention she hasn't planned anything for either lunch or dinner today, and quick as a flash, I suggest we have lunch at our neighbourhood's prime "eating-hole" - and no criticism intended there, by the use of that expression, Andrew! [the proprietor - Ed], Just saying !!!!
Call me a crazy impetuous fool if you like haha, but, despite my "dull" appearance and bland "get-up", I can also deliver a bit of "romance" when it's needed, no doubt about that!
I up my "romance score" with Lois by suggesting
a spontaneous lunch at our local "eating-hole",
the Poolbrook Kitchen and Coffee Shop.
Madness, yes, but a romantic gesture too, isn't it
And the tenor of our conversation during lunch - sausage and mash for me, lentil-and-vegetable-cottage-pie for Lois, in case you're interested (!) - [No I'm not! - Ed], yes, the tenor of our conversation, as I was saying before being so rudely interrupted (!), was decidedly triumphant, and with good reason.
We've got a right to feel triumphant over lunch today, because we've just successfully "bog-tested" our shiny new rubber boots through the squelchy long grass of Poolbrook Common, and we can exclusively reveal that they keep the water out, which is just what you want from a rubber boot - and preferably both boots, when you come to think about it.
our shiny-new rubber boots - Lois's sparkly pair that she got
from Shoezone this week, and my stylish navy blue ones with the yellow
trim that I ordered online from 'Jileon Wellies', delivered just yesterday
]
What madness !!!! [That's enough madness! - Ed]
flashback to earlier this morning: sporting our shiny-new
"wellies" we 'squelch' with confidence through
the boggy long grass on Poolbrook Common
Both sporting our shiny new "wellies" we had both "squelched" with confidence amongst the drenching long grass of Poolbrook Common, earlier this morning.
Do you remember how, back in the crazy 1970's, vocalist Johnny Rotten of the punk band The Sex Pistols described sex as QUOTE "two minutes and 50 seconds of squelching" UNQUOTE? Well during our "perambulation" this morning Lois and I find ourselves squelching for a bit longer than that - and we've lived to tell the tale haha!
Johnny Rotten of 1970's punk band The Sex Pistols:
Rotten described sex as "2 minutes 50 seconds of squelching"
flashback to January, when the River Sever burst its banks
making Warner's Supermarket into a crazy kind of "island".
What a crazy planet we live on !!!!!
Yes, what a crazy planet we live on !!!!!
19:40 And laterk over our tea, and (my) sparsely-buttered jam-spread piece of bread and (Lois's) houmous-spread piece of bread (well, we're both on the most almighty "dieting" "jag" at the moment - just saying!), I take the chance to pour my heart out to Lois about what's worrying me at the moment.
Yes, you've guessed it! What's worrying me is my so-called "presentation" that I'm due to give, in only 7 days' time, to the local U3A "History of English" group, the group which, "for my sins (!) ", I was persuaded, some would say "tricked", into leading.
flashback to October 2023: our local U3A 'History of English'
group, seen here in happier times, before our then leader
Lynda (bottom right) resigned under never-fully-explained
circumstances, and Yours Truly got "tricked" into
assuming her mantle - what a madness THAT was !!!!
My presentation, scheduled for a week today, is supposed to be a talk about "Scots - the version of English spoken by many in Scotland", and I haven't written a line of it yet - yikes!
At the moment I'm concentrating on coming up with an opening joke. The pundits always say you should start off any presentation with a joke and I've been wondering if I remember anything funny about our neighbours to the north or not.
proof, if proof were needed, that the old ones
are always the best ones, to put it mildly!!!
Luckily help comes in this evening from Steve, our American brother-in-law, who has emailed me with some suitable "ice-breaking" Scottish opening jokes for my presentation. Lois and I have had trouble communicating with Steve recently due to some technical ISP problems, but it looks like, fingers crossed, that those problems may have gone away, and in the nick of time, as regards my upcoming talk.
Steve has sent me a bunch of Scottish jokes, all "doozies", which hopefully should fill up two-to-three-eighths of my allotted "talk-time", which means less for me to write on my so-called "topic", which is nice! To whet your appetite, here's "Colin's pick" of just some of them:
21:00 We go to bed on this week's edition of Have I Got News For You, the comedy news quiz.
Presenter Prof. Hannah Fry, already getting everybody laughing
even before the show starts, which is a good omen
The show starts with news of the new Labour Government's efforts to woo investors at a big investment summit at the Guildhall, and they got lots of investors in, including P&O Cruises, the firm that Labour were so critical of when they were in opposition, calling them "a disgrace", a "cowboy operator" and a "rogue outfit" because of the company's "terrible employment record".
And Professor asks tonight's two teams if they know how the Government was trying to woo those investors at the Guildhall.
Oh dearie me [nb that's Scots for English 'Oh dear!', by the way - just saying!] - poor Greggs, that much maligned chain of small high-street cafés, serving a mix of typically British baked goods, sausage rolls, sandwiches and doughnuts to "eat in" or "take away" - that kind of "malarkey". Lois and I quite like them, actually - call us "provincial" if you like haha!
the Worcester branch of the Greggs Bakery Chain
And happy ending - Labour's "banquet for investors" at London's Guildhall, with its alleged "amazing English food", was nonetheless saved, apparently, thanks to an appearance by ageing pop-star Elton John, which must have raised spirits.
Still, it's the most tremendous fun, isn't it!!!!
[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]
22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzz!!!!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment