Friends, have you ever bought a house, or even merely tried to buy a house? A lot of us have, haven't we. And stories about "house-hunting" couples are legion - there's one today in the local Onion News. And if you live in West Worcestershire, like me and my medium-to-long-suffering wife Lois do, just, if you will, turn to page 95 in the paper's print edition and get familiar with all the "gory" details!
I can (exclusively (!)) reveal to you now that Lois and I are both 78, but, even at our advanced age, the autumn chill and the excitement of maybe "upsizing" (!) is causing the sap to rise in both of our blood-streams, if you get my meaning, to put it mildly!
And here's a little "wrinkle" if you're thinking of finding somewhere new. Yes, it's local knowledge, such as you get from a really good estate agent, which is "key" to making the right choice, Lois and I have firmly believed it, and believed it for years now (!) - well, we are 78 you know! [Yes, you've told us that already! - Ed]
After all, the principle IS just the same, surely, isn't it, and quite literally this time (!).
[Get on with it! - Ed]
[That's enough haha's! - Ed]
"And just why are you too 'noggins' so interested in house-hunting stories in the local press just at the moment?", I hear you cry. [Not me - I've "shut up my editing shop" already and gone home for the day (!) - Ed].
Well, seeing as how you're obviously interested (!), Lois and I were recently left "high and dry" by our daughter Sarah leaving the area with husband Francis and their 11-year-old twins and starting a new life in Perth, Western Australia.
flashback to early September: our daughter Sarah and
husband Francis and the twins spending their last full day
in Alcester before driving to London's Heathrow Airport to board
their flight to a new life in Perth, Western Australia
And seeing as how the two of us, Lois and I, are barely competent at changing the battery in our smoke alarms without the aid of our trusty 'volume', "Changing the Battery in your Smoke Alarm for Dummies" (!), we want to move to be nearer our other daughter Alison and her family, over in Hampshire. We started house-hunting online today, so watch this space. Just a "heads up" for you there.
More on that later. [I can hardly wait! - Ed]
Thinks: "Now where did we put our trusty volume
'Changing the Battery in your Smoke Alarm for Dummies'?"
But, as I say, more on that later. [Are you going to keep saying that, Colin? Just saying (") - Ed]
Seriously though, today is a rather quietish day for Lois and me - our morning walk in brilliant autumn sunshine over Poolbrook Common, followed by a stormy post-lunch online meeting of the local U3A Intermediate Danish group that Lois and I lead, "for our sins" (!).
Lois and me on our morning walk in lovely autumn sunshine
over Poolbrook Common in the lee of the 700-million-year-old
Malvern Hills, followed by a lunch, and.....
...and followed then by a stormy online meeting of the local
U3A "Intermediate Danish" group, that Lois and I lead
"for our sins" (!!!!!)
Yes, it's threatening to be another stormy meeting of our group, that's for sure! And the picture above shows me and the group's only genuine Danish member Jeanette, chatting away while we wait for the other members - including Lois, who's in the loo (!) - to join us for this afternoon's session.
And no, in case you're wondering, no, Jeanette is not "showing me her falsies" in the above picture - I know that's sadly become all too common a feature of many U3A meetings these days, but it's become far too competitive recently, and Lois and I have banned this particular practice - most of our members are female over-60's and a parade of "falsies" would just take up way too much time.
As it is, just talking about members' holidays takes up far too much time already, Lois and I believe, "in our humble opinion (!). Just today Jeanette later regales us with her "traveller's tales" - she and Mike have just returned from a cruise to Spain and Portugal, stopping in at Santander and Lisbon and other places "Iberian" - not that we're jealous, needless to say (!).
typical U3A members talking
"breasts" and "falsies"
And I'm just saying, in case you're thinking of joining our group: but by the way, a good reading ability when it comes to Danish crime fiction is a "must", if you want to join us. A little warning, there!
No, Jeanette's "falsies" are in fact "jugs" of a sort, so you weren't too wide of the mark, actually (!). Jeanette is Danish, although she's married to a Brit and has lived here in the UK since the 1980's. And what's she demonstrating is her handsome pair of Danish "Margrethe Bowls",
And Google's English-language description reads as follows:
It's a simple way to "get rich quick" isn't it, but I must stress to you here and now that it's strictly illegal in most countries, certainly throughout the EU, and I understand it's still illegal here in the UK - "Brexit" notwithstanding, despite the efforts of a certain Nigel Farage (!) haha!
Remember Nigel???? He hasn't gone away yet - possibly "snowed under" by his annoying constituents' "petty local issues" in his new Parliamentary constituency of Clacton, Essex perhaps?
Here he was making his BBC interviewer laugh on a recent BBC News investigation, before July's General Election:
Back to our Danish murder story, however. [Finally! - Ed]
The current menopausal victim that our Daish scammer Jay is "working on" at the moment is a woman called Birgitte, who's also got a handsome pair of Margrethe "jugs", handy utensils that she uses for keeping her snacks in. You know, the snacks she prepares for her weekly "girls' night in", which she hosts for all the single women and widows in her street, Liselotte and the rest, who all drop by to "pig out" and then watch a couple of romcoms together. Here's chapter and verse:
How's your intermediate Danish? For many people our age I guess it's all got a bit rusty, hasn't it! So I won't irk you with more extracts you probably won't really understand anyway - am I right?
Suffice to say, Jay keeps his menopausal victims "hooked" by laying on a diet of sex and flattery (not necessarily in that order!), and as far as our local U3A Danish group's membership is concerned, with its predominantly female over-60's "demographic" they are saying to us, "Colin and Lois, more of this please!", in no uncertain terms.
Yes, young Jay (29) is playing to all their wildest menopausal fantasies, Lois and I can tell. It's not exactly rocket science!
However, Jay's in a quandary over Birgitte, his latest victim, she of the "Margrethe jugs".
Jay's problem is that Birgitte isn't really that interested in sex. Her big hobby is her cats, and as long as Jay is with her stroking and petting them alongside her, she's more than happy to share her life with him, and she looks set to open up her bank account to him as well, any day now. So watch this space - I'll update you next time.
[Don't bother! - Ed]
In the meantime, Jay keeps up the sex part of the scam, because he knows that Birgitte will suspect something otherwise.
As you'll no doubt gather from the above extract (!), Jay is not finding Birgitte as sexually stimulating as he had initially expected. She's "looked after herself" - in the charming Danish expression she's "well-preserved" (Danish: velkonserveret) - but Jay wasn't finding her "inspiring" (Danish: inspirerende), which has made it difficult for him to perform (Danish: præstere det) without a dose of Viagra ordered on the internet and delivered to his hotel room.
What a crazy world we all live in, these days, don't we.
[That's enough for today, Colin. Just go away somewhere quiet, have a nice lie-down, and take YOUR "medication" or I'll have to speak to your GP again (!) - Ed]
Oops - so anyway, byeeeeeeee!!!!!
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