Friends, may I ask you a rather personal question ?
Yes, I realise it may be Monday when you read these words, and you may be gearing yourself up for the next working or non-working week, as the case may be, but....notwithstanding all that.... I need to know your answer to my question ASAP please, so be sure please to put a first-class stamp on your postcard - and I realise that that costs an arm and a leg nowadays, and you may need to take out a second mortgage haha!!!!
Here's the thing...Have YOU ever been featured on the cover of a "romance novel"? A lot of us have, haven't we, at one time or another - not always with our permission (!), as a hard-working part-time blacksmith-cum-journalist discovered recently - to his cost !!!
Did you see the headlines?
It's an awful warning, perhaps, not to take holidays in Scotland, particularly if you're unfortunate enough to be the sort of rugged, flat-stomached man like Duncan, the sort of part-time blacksmith and journalist that many news websites seem to employ on their Scottish "desks".
Remember, there may be a Mills-and-Boon-salaried "artist" hiding in every other bush.
Just saying!
Unfortunately Scottish holidays have been popularised, probably for all time, by the pen of our greatest dead playwright. Step forward, Mr William Shakespeare (gent!), if you can do so in your now sadly depleted state (!). Yes, it's all to do with your "Scottish play", Mister! - or should I say "your play 'Macbeth' ", to give it its proper name (!).
And it's been made even worse since Dove Soap have been using "Macbeth" in their advertising. Have you noticed? Not only that, but their version of the play loses much of the force of the original, my medium-to-long-suffering wife Lois and I think, anyway. And the critics seem to agree with us, for once (!).
Step forward, Mr Redland Doyle of Onion Radio News this time (!):
[That's enough exclamation markes in brackets (!) - Ed]
It's a double warning not to visit Scotland, really, and it's a warning Lois and I were sadly unaware of, when we visited Scotland back in 2005, just before we both retired. Too late to turn back the clock now - just saying (!).
flashback to 2005: Lois and I visit Scotland just before
retirement - here Lois showcases Birnam, of "Birnam Wood"
fame, well known to all fans of "The Scottish Play", ie Macbeth
Both Lois and I have a "soft spot" for the scene in "Macbeth" where the English army cut down trees in Birnam Wood, and use the branches to disguise themselves as trees, in preparation for the attack on Macbeth's Scottish castle.
And the Dove Soap people must like it too, because they're retained the scene in their version of the play - of course the English army turns out to be using Dove too, needless to say (!) And we even see the English soldiers showering with Dove on the morning of the battle, but no surprise there - the company is "sponsoring" both armies, so fair enough!
That holiday of ours was a long time ago - yes, Lois and I have now been retired for 18 years.
Flashback to 2006: Retired at last! Me and my medium-to-long
-suffering wife Lois (us on the far right), pictured here in the front
garden of our former house in Cheltenham, with my dear late mother
and my late cousin Peter (left)
Retired for 18 years we may be, but Scotland keeps coming back to haunt me, even now.
You probably remember that, for my sins (!), I lead the local U3A 'History of English' group and that, currently hanging over my head, is the realisation that I've got to give a presentation to the group later this month on "Scots English - The English Spoken By Many In Scotland".
Irish Gaelic was being spoken in much of the South West - the so-called Kingdom of Dublin (!) - Pictish was being spoken in the north, a form of Welsh was being spoken in the central Strathclyde region, Norwegian in many of the northern and western isles and on the adjoining coasts, the list goes on.
However, a form of English - Northumbrian - was being spoken in the south east (see map above), and it was English that was starting to "win the battle of the languages", more or less about the time that Macbeth was killing the Scottish king, Malcolm III, while Macbeth's wife, Lady Macbeth was washing all the blood off her hands, and, at the same time discovering the power of New Dove with its haunting 'grapefruit scent' (as per the Dove version of the play)....
Lady Macbeth in the new Dove Soap version of the play,
discovering with delight the power of New Dove Grapefruit
Appropriately perhaps, in the Scottish form of Malcolm's name - Mael Coluim - the "Coluim" bit actually means Dove - from the Latin word 'columba'. I suspect, however, that the Dove people may not be aware of that, and I'm right now sketching out a letter to them to "put them wise" - well, maybe there'll soon be a "Dove money off" voucher speeding on the way to me (?).
I wonder.... .!!!!
And interestingly enough, we can actually tell that English was taking over in Scotland as the country's preferred language, because people like Malcolm, including other royals and general noble "bigwigs", were starting to use the English form of their names at this sort of time.
Today, in its new form, the name Malcolm is world famous. If you're talking "famous Malcolms" who would YOU choose? I discuss this thorny point today with Lois in case it comes up when I'm giving my presentation to our U3A History of English group in a couple of weeks' time.
We come up with a few names on our morning walk through Polly's Orchard, Malvern, along the side of the GWR railway line: the commentator Malcolm Muggeridge, the conductor Malcolm Sargent, Malcolm McLaren the fashion designer, and of course, in the US, the one time Black Power leader Malcolm X.
Commentator Malcolm Muggeridge - a world-famous Malcolm (?)
with two of his many memorable 'quotes'
Who would YOU vote for as most famous Malcolm? And again, I'm afraid, I'm asking for YOUR input - yes, friends it's another postcard vote I'm asking for, I'm afraid! I know you don't like these! SORRY !!!!!
US Black Power leader Malcolm X: is he the world's
most famous Malcolm? YOU decide !!!!
Lois and I discuss our favourite Malcolms on our
walk this morning through Polly's Orchard, Malvern,
by the GWR Worcester to Hereford line
11:30 am, and Lois and I are just in time to see
GWR's mighty "Hereford Flyer" speed past us
on its way from Hereford to Worcester.
20:00 And it's a relaxing evening for Lois and me on the couch tonight watching one of our favourite TV quizzes, "Only Connect", which tests "lateral" thinking, appropriately enough for us at this time of day haha.
What a crazy language we speak!
Yes, right again! They're all foreign words meaning "team" in all these other languages - simples!!!
But there's a further point lurking here too, isn't there? Yes, I'm sure you've heard the English catchphrase "There's no 'i' in team", meaning that the individual has to forget about himself if he wants to become a real "team-player". Well, it's not true in these other countries: there's an "i" in all the 4 foreign words. And what does that say about their "team-playing" skills? Absolutely nothing haha!
[Get a grip, Colin! - Ed]
And, also tonight, there's the usual obligatory "Liz Truss" question, this time a 'sequence' question. What's the 4th element in this sequence, do you suppose?
So it was Stanley Baldwin at the time of the successions of Edward VIII and George VI, both in 1936, Winston Churchill in 1952, for the succession of Elizabeth II. So the fourth element in the sequence is obviously Liz (22), who was Prime Minister when Charles III became King in 2022. Simples!!!
In this scene, Herr Flick of the Gestapo rewards his secretary Helga for helping him escape from jail by giving her something she clearly wasn't expecting....
Ah yes, that "Polish corridor" - always a tricky spot to get stuck in, whether it's "up it" or "down it", it makes but little difference - that's for sure!
And unfortunately, however, as Only Connector presenter Victoria Coren-Mitchell points out, Liz is sadly destined to be the butt of many a quiz question for all time, which is a bit sad.
Poor Liz !!!!!
flashback to 2022: Liz Truss and Charles III on his succession
21:00 We get ready for bed on something lighter, an old episode of sitcom Allo Allo, all about the problems of French café owner René Artois during the German occupation of France during World War II, trying to keep the peace between his main customers - the local German army - and the French Resistance, not to mention the Communist Resistance, while at the same time carrying on behind his wife's back with waitresses Yvette and Maria.
However, that "free cinema entry" only applies before 5 pm, as we find out later in the show. Let's hope my own anticipated "money off voucher" from Dove Soap doesn't have any annoying "small print" 'exceptions' like that. Just saying !
In this scene, the village undertaker, Alfonse, pursues his interest in René's wife Edith
And tonight's is a fascinating episode of this long-running show, because we're at a critical point in the war: Hitler is planning his invasion of England and the local German officers and men are anticipating a big breakthrough, evidenced by this charming song, penned by talented musician and singer, Lt. Gruber.
Do you know the charming Irish song, "Galway Bay", made famous by Bing Crosby? It's a real "doozy", isn't it.
[Barefoot? Otters, seals, surely not! Don't they always wear little shoes? (!) - Ed]
Anyway..... maybe we're wrong about that, all right, but be that as it may, we're both looking forward to hearing this new version of the song, specially written for this show and receiving its world premiere right here, as far as we know:
[If you say so! - Ed]
22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzz!!!!!
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