Thursday February 27th 2025 "Have YOU used the 'h-word' recently? Well, I h*cking did, and I didn't even realise!!!"

Yes, friends, have YOU had cause to use the 'h-word' recently? And don't rush to tell me, "No, Colin, I h*cking haven't" (!). Because you may have "used it" just in an e-mail, without even knowing, like Yours Truly did - "muggins here" - earlier this month - to my cost!!!! 

Let me explain! [Must you? - Ed]

"For my sins", I lead a local U3A 'History of English' group, founded in Cheltenham, Gloucestershire a few years ago. And I still lead it, even though I don't live in Cheltenham any more, so I'm not 'local' at all any more. I've twice moved house since 2022 and I now actually live 100 miles away from Cheltenham, in Liphook, Hampshire. Somehow, however, my "leadership" role has stuck to me - and I've failed to "shake it off".

Yes, leadership of a U3A group feels a bit like when you going through bush, and coming out with a bunch of "burrs" all over your 'onesie', and finding that you just can't shake them off - oh dear!! Don't quote me on that, though, or I'll never persuade anybody else to take on my 'job' !!!!

being leader of a U3A group: "a bit like having sticky burrs

all over your 'onesie'" - but don't quote me on that !!!!

"But why DID you use the h-word this month, Colin?", I hear you cry. [Not me, I've already given up on this post and gone to bed! - Ed]

Well, seeing as how you're obviously "gagging" to know the answer to that question (!), here's how it came about. 

I've been getting really fed up with the U3A, because none of my group members has replied to any of the emails I've sent them this month, and I was just thinking of quitting as leader in disgust. Then today, one of my members discovered what had been going on, and sent me this email.

Yes, one of my History of English group members used the "h-word" to me in a recent email, and his email has become attached to all the emails I've sent out to our group in the last 4 weeks. And this seems to have sent all my emails "plopping" into my members' spam directories. So beware - it could happen to you, even if you're NOT leading a U3A "History of English" group, may I add!

And my thanks (!) to member Darryl for discovering the "snafu" (!), although as a downside, I find I'm still group leader - damn !!!!

[Is that all you've done today, Colin? - Ed]

Well, I've been having a quiet day, it's true - my medium-to-long-suffering wife Lois isn't her usual boisterous self, and there's been none of our usual "rough-housing" (!). And the reason for this is that she managed to put her back out yesterday, putting herself "hors de combat" for any 'horseplay' (!), so we just nip out to the local Liphook Co-op for a bunch of 'Cookshop' ready-meals, and leave it at that for today.

Poor Lois has put her back out, so we just nip out to the local

Liphook Co-op for a bunch of Cookshop ready meals and leave it at that

February 27th is always a day for quiet reflection for us anyway, because it's the day Lois and I like to think back to all the fun times we had with my dear late sister Kathy, so long ago it seems now.

What a vibrant presence Kathy was in our lives, to put it mildly. Back in 1982, Lois and I moved with our 2 young daughters - Alison (7) and Sarah (5) - from Cheltenham, England, to Maryland USA for 3 years, so I could complete some projects for a US Government agency. And just a few months later Kathy also moved to the States from Bristol, England, getting a job at the British Embassy in Washington DC, initially living with us in our house in Columbia, Maryland. 

flashback to our Thanksgiving dinner, November 1984 with the very vibrant

 presence of my sister Kathy (rightmost, then aged 37): me and Lois (both 38),

plus a turkey (unknown age!), and our 2 daughters Sarah (7) on the left and Alison (9)

Within a few weeks or so of moving to the States, Kathy had got herself a second-hand Ford Mustang - I went with her to the local Columbia garage she got it from; within a few months she had moved out from our house and got herself her own flat in Washington nearer to her work, and within a year she had met her future (American) husband, Steve. The rest is history, until Kathy sadly died on this day in 2013, far too young at only 65.

Kathy was born in November 1947, when I was just 20 months old myself, and so, until her sad death, I literally can't remember a time when she wasn't around, somewhere, and being her wonderful and unforgettable vibrant self from an early age, bless her!

flashback to March 1948: my second birthday, me seen here with

our mother in her stylish, late 1940's hair-do, and my sister Kathy (3 months)

I've been thinking today back to the 1950's and the seaside holidays we had as kids, as a family, with our parents and our little brother Steve. 

[Don't tell us all about your childhood holidays again, Colin! - Ed]

Well, I've got to (!), because, you see, everybody, but everybody in Britain had seaside holidays in Britain in August in the 1950's. Nobody went abroad for their holidays, unless you were "Mr and Mrs Moneybags" (!), and so all the beaches along Britain's long coastlines were just "rammed" with people. And we all had to make the best of the unreliable British weather. You'd paid your money for the train and the boarding-house, you'd booked your 2 weeks off work, and so, if it was raining, as it usually was, you just sat on a deckchair with the kids, on the beach or on the "prom" (promenade), with a raincoat over your head - oh dear! 

Happy days !!!

For me growing up, every year was defined by the seaside holiday we went on. And for us as a family living in North West London in those days, summer 1955 was Broadstairs, Kent, summer 1956 was Sandown, Isle of Wight, and summer 1957 was Burnham-on-Sea, Somerset. 

And when on holiday, it tended to be our father, not our mother, who "did things" with us, while our mother "had a bit of peace and quiet for once" (!).

our 3 best seaside holidays as kids in the 1950's: Broadstairs, Kent (1955), 

Sandown Isle of Wight (1956) and Burnham-on-Sea, Somerset (1957)

Not everybody had cameras back then, but there was always a good chance of bumping into a street photographer on the beach or on the "prom", who took a picture of you, which you later bought a copy of from his "shop", like these photos from Broadstairs, still with the photographer's numbers on them. 

August 1955: Broadstairs, Kent, (left) me with Kathy and our father Ken 

in the audience at an evening children's talent show, and (right) with 

our little brother Steve, "basking" in the North Sea - brrrr!!!

August 1956: Sandown, Isle of Wight: (left) in some medieval stocks, 

and right on the beach with our cousin Margaret (second from left)

August 1957: Burnham-on-Sea, Somerset, (left) me reading a book

on the beach with our father, and (centre and right) me with Kathy and Steve, 

going for a ride up and down the "prom" on the Giant Mechanical Swan (as you do!)

It's a pity, also, that these pictures are just black-and-white photos, because our father, Kathy and Steve all had the most eye-catching red hair, now lost to posterity. People used to look at us in the street, and I myself always felt a bit the odd man out, as the only "blondie". 

Friends, did you ever ride the Giant Mechanical Swan at Burnham? Most of use did, if we were around at the time, didn't we. [Not me! - Ed] Just today I googled it and found out that the swan was called Priscilla, which I had forgotten. See this website for details, and also some of the recent history of the resort with pictures. 

[Thanks I don't think I'll bother! - Ed]

somebody's internet memories of the 1950's at Burnham-on-Sea, Somerset: the children's 

corner by the pier, and Priscilla the Giant Mechanical Swan giving rides along the "prom"

The website-writer comments that Priscilla had now disappeared, having "wandered off" somewhere, and nobody seems to know her current whereabouts. Has she been "sold for scrap" maybe? Drop me a postcard if you know!

Poor Priscilla!!!!

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzzz!!!!

Wednesday February 26th 2025 "Are YOU seeing a lot of bathmat ads all of a sudden? Weird isn't it!"

Friends, here's a tricky one for you (!) - but it's Wednesday now, and I think most have "got our eye in", at last, when it comes to this week's more challenging issues, haven't we!  

And here's the thing - are YOU suddenly seeing a lot of adverts for bathmats when you browse your social media 'feed'? I thought it must be something general, because the Independent Newspaper's so-called "Bathmat Queen", their bathroom accessory reviewer Kayleigh Rattle (crazy name, crazy gal!) has had to "get her toes out" and "flash" them, again and again, just trying to make sense of it all. It's just crazy at the moment!

Let me tell you, my medium-to-long-suffering wife Lois and I have seen so many bathmat ads recently when we go online, that it's making us dizzy! And yet when we asked our new neighbours here in our (as of January) new hometown of Liphook, Hampshire, just why they think this is happening, they say, and I quote, "What ARE you talking about, Colin?!"

And here's what Lois and I have learned today: who knew that if you start looking into "best bathmats" on-line, that somebody, perhaps some eagle-eyed young trainee in your Internet Service Provider's office, say, will actually notice that you're interested in bathmats, and will suddenly start sending you more and more bathmat ads till they're coming out of your ears? [I think most people knew that, apart from you two "noggins" ! - Ed]

Lois and I are generally positive minded people, and we try to learn from our mistakes, so our "takeaway" from this latest "bathmat debacle" is that it's telling us something: that our lives are overly bathmat-centric, and this "light bulb moment" can only do good - it's a "wake up call" we can't avoid acting on, which is the right kind of wake-up call. It's no good if we can just hit the snooze button - it's not much of a wake-up call then, is it to put it mildly!!!!

Did you see that rather sad story this morning in Onion News Local about area man Walter Daley? 

Poor Daley !!!!!

And Lois and I have resolved today to talk a bit less, and even perhaps to think a bit less, about bathmats from now on, and more about the world's other pressing issues, which can only be good. It's a learning thing, isn't it.

Before I leave the subject though, here's Kayleigh's "bottom line" on the bathmats on sale at the moment, as of February 4th, just for comparison's sake, in case you're thinking of buying one!

Fascinating topic isn't it! And Lois and I can't help wondering whether we should have gone for the Piglet in Bed "budget" option with the attractive Pembroke Strip, sorry but I can't help saying that, because we're feeling a bit annoyed at the moment about not choosing one of Piglet in Bed's competitors before "splashing out" (no pun intended!) on our latest new bathmat purchase! About which, more later !!!!

[That's enough bathmats! - Ed]

Apart from the bathmat issue (sorry sorry!) Lois and I are having another good day today, I can exclusively reveal, which is nice. 

The only downsides to the day are (1) the awful weather in the morning, so not being able to go for our daily walk, and (2) having a couple of deliveries expected in the afternoon, so not being able to go to bed "in tandem" in the afternoon. 

Yes, unfortunately, we have to do afternoon nap-time in shifts today, with me staying downstairs to take delivery of our shiny new twin-telephone-system from the Argos delivery guy, and then Lois getting up and waiting for the Royal Mail postman to deliver our shiny new bathmat. 

Oops, sorry, I wasn't going to mention bathmats again, was I!!!!  But it's a real "doozy", as you can see!

our mad day - non-stop rain keeping us indoors in the morning,

and then waiting around for the postman and Argos delivery guy in the afternoon.

What a crazy world we live in !!!!!

And by the way, check out our shiny new bathmat, while you're about it, why don't you! It's draped over the back of the sofa behind Lois in the picture. 

What a doozy, eh?! And the bathmat's not bad either haha!

Lois and I have been talking more today too, which is good.

We've both been diagnosed as "clinically old" and tending to get a bit hard of hearing, but Lois is now getting used to her new "private", non-NHS, hearing-aids, fitted last week, so she can hear me even if I'm talking to her left ear (the "duff" one), which gives us more options about positions on the couch. That won't work in bed, however, because when we get into bed Lois "takes her ears out", as I jokingly call it (!), so she can put them in her charger, to charge them up a bit.

our bedside table - me showcasing the little green flashing "eyes" on what

I call "Lois's ear-charger", indicating that "charging is in progress", which is good!

All over our house, "devices" are being plugged into sockets for recharging. It's a big part of the modern world, isn't it. 

It's a pity, but well, Lois and I can't "plug ourselves in", not electronically, anyway - they haven't developed that kind of a charger for "old codgers" yet. Is there at least a 'feasibility study' going on anywhere? I wonder.....! I think we should be told, and quickly, don't you?

As far as Lois and I are concerned, our nearest equivalent to an "old codger charger" is our afternoon nap-time which refreshes us no end, even though there are no "green lights" flashing, as such (!) - only figuratively (!). Today, however, we have to do without our version of "plugging in" today, which is a shame. But there's always tomorrow, which is a comfort.

21:00 We go to bed on this week's edition of QI-XL the comedy quiz, presented by the UK's favourite Dane Sandi Toksvig, tonight's show being on the general theme of "victory".

As always with this show, Lois and I learn some fascinating facts. Who knew, for instance, the part played by split peas in saving Britain from Nazi Germany in the summer of 1940?

Yes, who knew that our great fighter aircraft the Spitfire, that saved us from the Nazi bombers, was made even faster, by experiments with split peas?

As presenter Sandi explains, World War II aircraft were all held together by rivets, and when engineers were developing the Spitfire, the standard rivet for building an aircraft had a little domed head or "button head", which stuck out. And it occurred to engineers that this little head might be adversely affecting a plane's aerodynamics.

When constructing their test Spitfire fighter, therefore, rather than building 2 prototypes each with a different sort of rivet, which would have been expensive, they just built one test aircraft, putting in some of the newly-developed flat head rivets. They then glued half a split pea to each rivet to replicate the little dome-shape of the conventional button-rivet, before then removing the peas, section by section, and analysing the differences in speed. 

That way they were able to work out that the new flat-headed rivets increased the aircraft's top speed by an incredible 22 mph.

Guest panellist Zambian-born, Canadian-educated comedian Daliso Chaponda (crazy name, crazy guy!), however, has another use for split peas.

Will this do?

So, let us not despise the split pea, it's been "on our side", as well as being "under us", in good times and bad, through thick and thin (mattresses haha!)....so generally good news if you're British or if you're Daliso or his latest "squeeze", whether "princess" or "no princess" (!), or ....

[Oh "button it, Colin" (no pun intended!), just go to bed! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzz!!!!!

Tuesday February 25th 2025 "Newsflash: there's a new Bottom on the block!"

If there's one thing that readers of this column will have "picked up", since my medium-to-long-suffering wife Lois and I moved to Liphook, Hampshire two months ago, it's the number of local news stories that come out of Betty Mundy's Bottom - at least one a week, by my reckoning! 

And her Bottom is also one of Hampshire's favourite "glamping" sites, I can this morning exclusively reveal (!).

Betty Mundy's Bottom - now one of Hampshire's favourite

spots to go "glamping" in, would you believe!

A lot of people from outside the county often express curiosity about the name, however. 

Who was Betty Mundy, and what was so special about her Bottom? 

Well, seeing as you're obviously "gagging" to know (!), it seems that the key factor here was that, being in the environs of the village of Exton, it was all due to her Bottom's closeness to the Navy's headquarters in Portsmouth, so super convenient for sailors coming off on leave. 

Local "mag" , Hampshire Life, available in all good local dentists' waiting rooms (!), reports the following (courtesy of "Facebook" and local history buff "Rod of Andover"):

Fascinating stuff, isn't it!

But here's my point - I've looked at this morning's local Onion News, and I can see that there's "a new Bottom on the block": Bedlam Bottom, just outside Farleigh Wallop, so not too far from here. But is it really a new Bottom, or is it just another old Bottom", of which there are many around in these here parts, to put it mildly (!).

Lois and had never heard of it, to be honest, but it turns out that it hat been around for quite a while now, as this old Ordnance Survey map from the 1890's attests:

Bedlam Bottom, near the village of Farleigh Wallop,

seen here in this 1894 Ordnance Survey Map of Hampshire

And if you're visiting this Bottom, here's my super-tip: don't fall down any of the numerous "old chalk pits" in the vicinity: there's, like, a billion of them - more probably! They're almost "legion" !

[Where's this going, Colin?! - Ed]

Here's the story!

[Finally! - Ed]

You may not have seen it - it was "buried" a bit, down in the Sports section at the bottom (no pun intended!) of page 94(!), would you believe!

A heart-warming story - or should I say "inspiring" (!). And while we're about it, Go, Bedlam Bottom Jets!!!!

But, to be serious for a moment, the story is also a reminder of the complex relationship between parents and children - and it's very much a two-way street, isn't it.

Lois and I have 2 daughters, Alison and Sarah, both born in the 1970's, so they are themselves both approaching middle age, or, arguably have already got there (!). And you certainly know you're old, when your "children" are middle aged, don't you, that's for sure.

(left) flashback to 1977, us in our little back yard in Cheltenham, me holding

the new-born Sarah, and Lois holding Alison, then just 22 months,

and (right) fast forward to 1990: us having a day out in the Forest of Dean, 

Gloucestershire, when we four were still "the centre of the universe" 

- happy days!

Yes, first 1977 (left) and then "fast forward to 1990" (right), and "fast forward" is the right expression, because time really does "fly". Where did those years go?

And now, fast forward again to 2025, and Lois and I are certifiably old - even "clinically diagnosed as old (!)", and the boot's on the other foot, to put it mildly. We moved to Liphook, Hampshire on January 3rd this year, precisely so that we could be "looked after" by our daughter Alison (49) and family, who live in nearby Headley, just 5 miles away. Yikes!

fast forward (again!) to Jan 3rd 2025: we move into

our current home in Liphook, Hampshire, aided 

by our daughter Alison and family who help us unpack 

our "stuff" on moving day.

It's nearly two months later now, since we moved in, and Lois and I are feeling more settled here. And today, Lois and I can take some comfort from the fact that we're still not totally useless to our "kids" (!), so something to celebrate, no doubt about that! 

At 12:30 pm today we get a call on whatsapp, out of the blue, from our younger daughter Sarah, who's now 9000 miles away with husband Francis and their 11-year-old twins, over in Perth, Australia. And it's a little bit of a "cry for help". 

The family moved out to Australia, nearly 6 months ago, in September 2024, and they are currently trying to buy their first house out there. It's in the North Perth suburb of Eglinton, and just a short walk to the Indian Ocean, which is nice, and so great for our twin granddaughters Lily and Jessica.

flashback to September 1st 2024: (left) we say farewell to our daughter

Sarah and family with a lunch at the Royal Oak, Alcester, and (right)

us after they go off, flying next day from London. Heathrow to Perth, Australia

Sarah apparently had a sleepless night last night, however. Completion date for the sale of the house is in about 4 weeks' time, but some of the money is in Francis's policy with Aviva Insurance in Bristol, England.  "Aviva is playing silly buggers again!", Sarah tells us, because they're refusing to confirm absolutely that the money will be available by completion date. 

What madness! Whose money is it, anyway?! 

People sometimes talk dismissively of the famous "Bank of Mum and Dad" - I believe it's now one of the UK's "Big Five Banks" (!), but, when you think about it, what could be nicer than to be able to help your kids in this way, even when they're 47 (!). 

In this case it's only a loan that will be paid back next month, or whenever Aviva can be persuaded to take their hot little hands off Francis' money. But it gives Lois and me such a lift today to know that we can tell Sarah "Sleep soundly tonight, you don't need to worry, we'll get the money to you tomorrow. Rest easy and catch up on your 'shut-eye'!"

It's priceless isn't it.

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!

Monday February 24th 2025 "Do you know any delivery guys? Do you know of their joys, or their heartaches?"

Delivery guys - they're the heroes of our time, aren't they. Are you one of the privileged ones, that actually knows a delivery guy in person, and even got to know a bit about their families, their lives, their heartaches, their moments of joy, their ups and their downs?

Most of us haven't bothered to ask them, have we - let's be honest! And so many don't really care either, which is a pity, I think.

At least, however, we can all show delivery guys the respect they're due when we see them on the road, and on their way to a job, and I'm proud to report that this hallowed old tradition is still alive and well in the neighbourhood where my medium-to-long-suffering wife Lois and I moved to a couple of months ago, i.e. Liphook, East Hampshire. 

And we got confirmation of that fine old tradition just this morning in a front-page story from nearby beauty spot Gobley Hole, when the print edition of Onion News Local "plopped" through our letterbox. I can tell you, it  started our day off with a real "feel good" moment, which was nice!

[Get on with it! - Ed]

And Lois and I had another giggle later today about delivery guys, when Steve, our American brother-in-law, sent us his pick of this week's most amusing Venn diagrams that he's seen so far - and I realise it's only Monday!

Lois and I have done our share of "waiting at home all day to receive our package", to put it mildly. 

Luckily, however, we've both been retired since 2006 would you believe (!), so waiting at home all day to receive our package" is only a slight difference from the majority of our days here in Liphook, during which we're just "waiting at home all day even though we're not expecting a package", so that's all right! And that's the way we like it, may I add, because, whenever there are no deliveries in prospect, we can sit on the couch, reading and chatting, and spend the whole afternoon in bed with our shiny new electric doorbell on "mute" (!). 

Plus, we've got a saucy TV programme to look forward to tonight, i.e. a catch-up viewing of last night's "Wheeltappers and Shunters Social Club", the 1970's series that recreated the sometimes rowdy atmosphere of a typical working-men's club in the north of England. 

And it's a gala occasion this week - "none of the turns have turned up", reports the usually grim-faced club-chairman and turn-manager Colin Crompton, and we actually see Colin smile, for once, and what a treat: he's actually got a lovely smile, we discover.

The perhaps overly bureaucratic and po-faced Colin has often been criticised for his excessively strict attitude toward both the turns and the audience. Here's a typical "Colin outburst", seen recently:

Today, however, we see Colin's lighter side for once, which is nice.

Colin in relaxed mood tonight enjoying a pint of Worthington's

and just enjoying himself for once, which is nice!

Lois speculates that Colin is just enjoying the suggestive gestures of the four "leggy" dancers making up tonight's stand-in turn, Gardenia, and maybe she's right. 

I hadn't noticed these gestures, but Lois is very good at detecting this kind of thing, and on reflection I can see that she's right - they do seem to be inviting both the vocalist and male members of the audience to "come up and see them" after the show, with some only thinly-coded ideas about some possible 'things to do', and 'ways to do them' - oh dear! 

But maybe we're reading too much into it (?). Tell us what you think - on postcards only of course!

I think Lois and I are both probably feeling a bit tired and emotional this evening, which could explain our suspicions about the subtext of Gardenia's 'turn'(!). 

We're quite tired tonight, because we did have to actually go out of the house this morning, to the doctor's surgery for Lois's routine blood test, and to pick up a few things at the Coop, and then we had to go back to the Coop later because we'd forgotten the main things we went there for in the first place, would you believe (!) - what madness! Oh dearie me - what idiots haha!!! Then we went for a 3,500 step walk on Ludshott Common, only to find we were dodging all the puddles left after the weekend storms. Oh dear!

flashback to this morning: Lois and I visit our doctor's surgery

for Lois's blood test with the nurse, before spending 40 minutes "squelching" 

through the long grass and dodging the puddles on Ludshott Common

What clowns we are, aren't we haha!

21:00 Luckily our brains are still intact (!), and we decide to go to bed on tonight's edition of our favourite TV quiz, Only Connect, which tests lateral thinking.

Can you see the connection between these 4 things?

I think you've "got it in one", haven't you!

Yes, of course, they're all "false friends" for students of Italian, or "falsi amici" as the Italians say (!). 

"To say" in Italian is "dire", which means 'terrible' in English; "fare" is "to make" in Italian and means 'money paid for a journey' in English: likewise with "mare" and "pane".

See? Simples!

22:00 That's enough 'lateral thinking' for one day, and now we're doing some 'horizontal thinking' (!).

Will this do?

[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]

We go to bed - zzzzzz!!!!!