Yes, friends, are YOU up-to-speed with the latest local sex-education guidelines? If not take a "thumb's journey" (!) through your copy of the local Onion News for East Hampshire, and keep going till you get to page 94 - it's well worth the 'journey' (!).
Or for quickness just read my extract here, lightly edited by Yours Truly for content - my version is strictly PG, so to spare your blushes, have no fear - Colin's here!!!
And check out the picture while you're reading - you can just tell by their faces that these students really know their onions when it comes to sex (no pun intended!!!!).
The story, however, brings a bit of a two-sided grin to the faces or me and my medium-to-long-suffering wife Lois this morning, to put it mildly!!!
my medium-to-long-suffering wife Lois and me - a recent picture
Well, seeing as how you're obviously 'gagging' to know (!), it's all because of our weekend house-guest, Jen from Oxford, whom we've both known for donkey's years, particularly Lois, who has known her since young childhood days.
Well... long ago, Jen went to school with TV's Miriam Margoyles, who plays Prof. Sprout in the Harry Potter films, and this weekend Jen is regaling us with more purple prose from Miriam's autobiography "Oh Miriam!!!". Jen has been reading mine and Lois's copy of "Oh Miriam!!!", and she's got to the part where Miriam talks about her schooldays and how she learnt about sex.
(left) TV's Miriam Margoyles (84), as she is today, and (right)
as the eccentric Professor Sprout in the Harry Potter films
In our day, it was just a quick, and embarrassing, and totally unscheduled scramble-through in a single school biology lesson, which was over almost before it had begun (remind you of anything? haha!!!).
Miriam says she learned about sex from whispered conversations in the school bike-sheds. There were two sorts of girls at the school: (1) the posh ones, dubbed the City Girls, whose parents had enough money to pay the fees, and (2) the 'unposh' girls, including our friend Jen, who were dubbed the County Girls, because they were bright girls whose fees were paid by the County - what madness, wasn't it !!!!
the Oxfordshire County Education Department at County Hall, Oxford
- the department that paid the school fees of bright but 'unposh' girls
like Lois's childhood friend, Jen, who's our house-guest this weekend
Reading Miriam's book this morning, Jen is already feeling a bit aggrieved, we can sense, because Miriam says that the City Girls mostly learned about sex from the County Girls, who were more streetwise and "savvy", Miriam says. Lois and I suspect, however, that Jen remembers it as being the other way round, i.e. the County Girls learnt about it from the City Girls, and that was how Jen herself got "genned up" (no pun intended!!!!!).
Either way, I think we should be told, don't you !!!
Alison's husband Edward and their couple's son Isaac (15) put in an appearance later [not shown]. Talented singer Isaac has his own pop-group New Horizon, and Edward has been out this afternoon taking Isaac to his band's rehearsals at nearby Guildford in preparation for an upcoming talent-contest,m the so-called Battle of the Bands, featuring a number of local groups.
Grandchildren eh!! They're so high-achieving, and it's so hard for a quiet couple like Lois and me to keep up with them, and keep up with their star-studded activities, to be honest.
(left) our weekend guest Jen, in the background, trying to come to terms
with the latest shocking revelations (right) in Jen's former classmate
and TV star, Miriam Margolyes' recent "tell all" autobiography, "Oh Miriam!"
What a crazy world we live in !!!!!!
Lois and I need to get Jen's mind off Miriam's shock revelations, so we decide to drive her 10 miles down the Portsmouth road, to attend Lois's church's Sunday Morning Meeting in a village hall just outside Petersfield, Hampshire. And then, after I bring them home for a hasty lunch and a nap, we take Jen out again, this time to see our daughter Alison and family's temporary rental home in Churt, just over the county line in Surrey.
Alison and co are staying there in their current rental home in Churt, while their own house, in Headley, is being extensively 'renovated', or as Lois and I call it, 'extensively pulled down and replaced with a house more to the family's liking' (!). What madness!!!!!
(top) I drive Lois and Jen to their church's Sunday Morning Meeting in a village hall
just outside Petersfield, Hampshire, where (top right), Lois can be seen on the right-hand side,
in the middle of the hall, introducing Jen to local church member Bob, and (below) Jen and us
having a cup of tea with our daughter Alison and 2 of her daughters at their temporary home
in Churt, Surrey: seated today (left to right) are Alison, Josie (19), Rosalind (17), Lois and Jen
Josie's on a 'flying' visit from Durham - no pun intended !!!, but it's no dearer than the train, apparently, if you fly from Newcastle Airport - what madness!!! Durham University is where Josie started her maths degree course in September.
flashback to October: (left) our daughter Alison with our grandson Isaac (15) in his
school uniform, and (right) a social media post from May advertising Isaac's boy-girl band
and an upcoming 'gig' at a local village fete near Farnham, Surrey
More pictures come in today from our other daughter, Sarah (48), who lives 9000 miles away from us in Perth, Australia, with husband Francis and their 12-year-old twins Lily and Jessica, today revelling in lovely Aussie summer weather at a place called "Gingin Aquatic Centre" or some-such nonsense, obviously a made-up name !!!!
Lily and Jessica are really starting to look sophisticated and just like real teenagers, bless them - what madness, isn't it!!!!
And what a crazy world we live in !!!!
(top) flashback to our zoom call yesterday with our daughter Sarah and twins Lily and Jessica,
the twins showcasing their new summer shorts, and (below) the twins at so-called
"Gingin Aquatic Centre", obviously a made-up name - what madness !!!!!
[That's enough madness! - Ed]
Jessica is on the students' council now, planning events such as the school's celebration of the next ANZAC Day. Lily is captain of one of her school's 'houses' - houses are called 'factions' in Australia - and she recently won the school's Sports Day 200m race, and also the 100m race into the bargain.
Lois and I never did anything remotely like what our grandchildren do, when we were at school, so we don't know what happened to our DNA in any of our 5 grandchildren: a once-in-a-million instance of 5 hilarious maternity hospital baby-swap 'snafus' or mix-ups perhaps? Shome mishtake, shurely haha!!!!
And Lily's triumphant sports achievements recall memories of her famous cross-country run a couple of years ago, in which, halfway through, she had to go back to the beginning of the race because she'd forgotten to put her hat on (essential in the hot Aussie summer weather). She nevertheless fought her way back through "the pack", to finish third. What madness, wasn't it !!!!
Lily's epic achievement also invited comparisons with the 1956 film High Society starring Bing Crosby and Frank Sinatra, and the Cole Porter song "Did You Evah", celebrating the achievements of their friend Blanche.
21:00 All three of us, Jen and Lois and me, feeling totally exhausted by all of today's non-stop "chat", decide to go to bed on something a bit more peaceful, the latest programme in BBC2's "Gone Fishing" series, featuring the adventures of ageing comedians Bob Mortimer and Paul Whitehouse and their attempts to catch a fish in various British rivers - attempts that are mostly unsuccessful, I have to say.
There's a bit of a spoiler there in the blurb (above, right) but yes, "bottom inspections" do come into one of their usual typical rambling conversations, would you believe!
And is it even possible to look at your own bottom with any degree of scientific accuracy? Paul is doubtful to put it mildly!
Who should you ask, however, to look at your bottom for you?
Yes, being cancelled and/or arrested - it's a constant worry isn't it, in these crazy "woke" times of ours!
Will this do?
[I'll cancel you in a minute, Colin! Just go to bed! - Ed]
22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzz!!!!!
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