Danskcolin: Tuesday November 18th 2025 "Is YOUR biological 'clock of life' beginning to tick ominously?"

Yes, Friends, is YOUR biological clock beginning to tick ominously? If so, and particularly if you've got an on-the-wall-biological-clock, it may be time to get it replaced before all that ticking begins to get on everybody's nerves - just saying!!!!

It happened to an area woman this week, according to this morning's local Onion News for East Hampshire. Don't worry if you missed the story, because I've taken the unusual step of reprinting it here - lightly edited by Yours Truly for language, content etc haha (!):

Kudos, Roderick!!! And nice to see our near-neighbour Michelle finally "getting serious" about having a second husband - a sign that she's maturing before our very eyes, and at the same time the story gives me and my medium-to-long-suffering wife Lois a bit of a lightly lop-sided, guffaw-shaped smile to our faces this morning, to put it mildly!

my medium-to-long-suffering wife Lois and me - a recent picture

It's not that our biological clocks are ticking - that ship sailed, like, a billion years ago: more probably!

However, like Michelle in that Onion story (see above), who's suddenly got, like a billion things to plan, now that she's definitely trying for that all-important (for a while!!!) second husband, life is suddenly going to get serious for Lois and me too, and we've got to do a lot of serious planning, and not much time to do it in, which is a pity!

Since January, Lois and I have been basking in the kudos of being "fat cats" - owners of two houses, our old home in Malvern, Worcestershire and our new one in Liphook, Hampshire. And I've had to put up with the annoyance of neighbours referring to me by the somewhat "back-handed" moniker of "Two Houses" Colin, which is a pity!

(left, centre) our old home in Malvern, Worcestershire, and (right)

our new home in Liphook, Hampshire, which we moved into last January

Suddenly that's all going to come to an end, because we've had word in the last few days that young couple Sophie and George are wanting to "complete" on their purchase of our old Malvern house, with our two sets of solicitors set to exchange contracts perhaps today, for completion of the deal on Friday.

Yikes! And I've got to make sure that Lois and I aren't paying for the water, gas and electricity that Sophie and George will be using as of Friday - otherwise I bet the couple would be leaving all the lights on day and night, and running all the taps, just for fun, and generally "having a jolly good time at our expense" - the young "scallies" (!). Only joking, by the way, Sophie and George, if you're reading this - we love you dearly really!!!!

Sophie and George, switching on all the lights and running all the taps, and generally

"having a jolly good time at our expense" (!) - this is how we imagine them!!!

But can you imagine how horrendously busy it's all going to make Yours Truly this week, ringing the gas and electric and water companies etc, what with all my other duties, conjugal or otherwise (!) - that's for sure!!!!

[You don't know what the word 'busy' really means, do you, Colin! - Ed]

And if you think all that sounds horrendous, then think again - because next week for us is going to be even "horrendouser" [sic], with three things to do on Wednesday 26th alone, for example, which is total madness !!!!!

our calendar for next week (Nov 24th to 30th) is already looking

horrendous enough, especially for Wednesday, so don't ask us

to do anything else now, will you!!!!!

What a crazy world we live in !!!!!

Lois and I are lucky actually, however, that we're not living in the 17th century (!), as we find out from tonight's Channel 5 series, "Secrets of the Royal Palaces", to put it mildly!!!

Lois and I didn't realise that nobody did washing in the 17th century - nobody washed their clothes, and nobody, but nobody - not even the King and Queen - washed themselves, because it was thought to be bad for the body.

And worst of all, there were no official loos, even at the Palaces, and even during official balls and other ceremonies, where there might be as many as 600 guests in attendance, drinking and dancing the night away - what utter utter utter madness, wasn't it !!!!

"But, Colin, what if there's no bucket?", I hear you cry!

Well, if there was no bucket, you'd just "go" anywhere, at your own "convenience" - no pun intended!!!!!

And the general rule for the royals was: when your Palace starts to smell completely disgusting, just board it up and move to a new one, like joint-monarchs William and Mary did. Simples!!!!

Eventually somebody had the bright idea of putting some signs up, which was a step forward. Apparently, it was all part of a campaign to 'Purify the Royal Residences with a capital P' - no pun intended!!!!

[That's enough unfunny puns! - Ed]