Saturday, January 19 2019

09:00 We drive to the local Tesco supermarket in the small town of Bishops Cleeve to do the food shopping. Afterwards we swing by the nearby hardware store and afterwards TOFS (the Original Factory Shop: a general discount store chain), to look for a high-quality kitchen scissors, but without success. Lois says that ordinary kitchen scissors with plastic handles do not last very long. We decide to find one online. We drive home and relax with a cup of coffee on the sofa.

11:00 Lois finds scissors on Lakeland's website. The handle is plastic, but the manufacturing company guarantees it for 25 years, which is reassuring, and it even comes with a sharpener. Lois also orders a kitchen knife that’s self-sharpening.

The whole thing is a little annoying, because in the past we had a decent pair of scissors that sat in the kitchen drawer for years, but we do not know where it went to. Why is it always the “good“ kitchen utensils that disappear, leaving us with just the rubbish ones?

But I do not think that Lois and I are the only ones who have noticed this phenomenon, to say the least. Nora Jay, a local woman, recently hit the headlines after she reported a similar problem to local journalists (source: Onion News), and the whole story went viral.

According to the article a local woman, Norah Jay, told reporters that her “good” scissors were not in the f****** drawer where they belonged, even though there was no conceivable reason they should be anywhere else.

"God damn it where the hell are they? I don't know how I’m supposed to finish wrapping this birthday present without one decent pair of scissors," Jay said, 30, as she tore through her home in search of the Fiskar's premier craft scissors, she had paid over $ 15 for in Michael's Stores.

"I don't know what asshole moved them from the one f****** place they were supposed to be, but now I suppose I'm going to be make do with the kitchen scissors or those shitty little blue ones I got from IKEA.

"Jesus Christ, these things can barely cut! "

At press time, Jay told reporters that she had located the good scissors in the other drawer.

A bit of a warning there in that news story, no doubt about that! Lois and I have been forced to spend £ 4.99 on a new pair of scissors today - let's hope the old "good" scissors don't show up in another drawer in the next 24 hours. My goodness, that same old evil spirit or devil is out there after us, and it’s punishing us once more, that’s for sure !!!!

a typical pair of Fiskar premier craft scissors (8 inch model)

11:45 I jump up on my fitness bike and ride 9 miles. Afterwards I do a bit of light weight-training.

12:30 We have lunch and afterwards I go to bed to take a gigantic afternoon nap.

15:00 Lois hops into bed with me. We stay in bed for a couple of hours, and she reads 10 pages of her current bedtime book. We get up at 5 pm and relax with a cup of tea and a biscuit on the sofa.

18:00 We have dinner, and then we spend the rest of the evening listening to the radio and watching a bit of television.

First, we hear a fun radio program: Tim Vine’s Chat Show, broadcast live from the town of Wakefield's "Theatre Royal and Opera House". We hear Tim describing Wakefield as the "home of opera" - a bit of an exaggeration perhaps, but the audience apparently seems to be happy about the accolade, to put it mildly. My god, what a crazy world we live in !!!

Wakefield’s Theatre Royal and Opera House

Tim Vine is our favorite standup comedian, no doubt about that, and we love his strictly verbal humour. Lois and I suspect that most of his humour in fact comes from his living such an interesting life. It must make it relatively easy to get inspiration for his various standup routines, I have to say. I quote the show's opening lines, as good examples:

An extraordinary thing happened to me today. I was parked on the side of a hill and I was suddenly overtaken by 3 trees, a bollard, and a woman screaming, “Put your handbrake on.”

My girlfriend said to me, ‘Tim, how come you always walk in front of me?” I said, “I’m sorry, I  don’t follow you.”

And then a bloke came up to me. He said, “How would you like to own Wembley Stadium, Wembley Arena, and all their facilities?”. I said “Are you trying to give me a complex?”

Then I saw this genie. He was going “I’m so frightened, I’m so frightened!”. I thought, “He’s lost his bottle”. I said “Can I have a go on your sword?”. He said, “All right, I’ll give you 3 swishes.”

So I went down the local hospital, and I saw a pixie. He was elated. Well, he was pixilated – I couldn’t see his face. I said, “Are you here to give blood?” He said, “I’m not allowed to give blood”. I said “Why not?”. He said “I’ve got too much hæmogoblin [sic].”

But I’ve got a friend, who shall remain nameless, who never got christened. Last time I went to a christening the vicar was facing the wrong way. He was back to font. I saw a vicar at a cathedral, his left arm dropped off, I thought, “He was a loose canon”. He said, “Do you deny getting married to two women?”. I said, “I do, I do.”

So I went to a karaoke night at the Vatican:  London, New York, Paris, Munic, everybody talking ‘bout pope music. I said to this German, I said, “Can you tell me where the pope lives?”. He said, “Vat I can.” I said, “How come you’ve got a piece of meat in the boot of your car?” He said, “That is my spare veal”.

Lois and I think it's a bit of a shame that Tim does not write a regular blog so we can keep up with his extraordinary experiences on a daily basis, but I’m going to let that one slide!

Tim Vine's Chat Show

20:00 We turn off the radio and watch a  bit of television. An  interesting documentary film is on, about "Wild Arabia", third part of 3.

This programme is Lois' choice - this kind of documentary film is not really my bag, but with our brand new (used) "massive" 32 inch TV, the whole ting is all very much more graphic to say the least, than when we just had a little 20 inch screen.

For my part, the bad sight of the week is a slow motion closeup of a camel's head, with the animal foaming at the mouth during a camel race in Dubai.

 for me the bad sight of the week: a camel foaming at the mouth in slow motion

during film of a camel race in Dubai.

I didn't know that nowadays the little boys who used to ride the camels have been replaced by tiny robots with programmeable whips. The owners follow the race from their cars as they drive alongside the track, talking to their camels via a link and controlling the programmeable whips.

Good grief, what madness!

But I'm not particularly surprised when Lois says she already knows all about the sport, the robots and all that stuff. For years, she has had a regular subscription to the "The Week" magazine, which gives her a good overview of the most important news worldwide, including numerous background articles.

What a woman !!!!

21:00 We continue to watch a bit of television. Another interesting documentary is on, all about Francis Drake and his tiny ship "Golden Hinde", on which between 1577 and 1580 he became the first Englishman to sail around the world (by mistake) – good grief, what madness! !!

His original plan was to sail around today's Argentina into the Pacific Ocean to attack Spanish treasure ships along the western coast of South America. But he did not tell his crew about the plan for fear that they would refuse to come.

After plundering a few Spanish ships, he planned to sail back to England by discovering the mysterious Northwest Passage to the north of today's Alaska, but he failed to find the route. That’s why he decided to sail west from today's California via present-day Indonesia, back to England.

His stay in today's California was officially the first time the English language was spoken in the area, and he predated, by 400 years or so, the famous "Valley Girls".

Typical California “Valley Girl” Speak.

As far as we know, Drake hardly ever used these types of expressions, but this is pure speculation, I have to admit, but who knows? Didn't he once say, ”It’s just not true that life ashore sucks. But life at sea is omg just totally awesome!”

When Drake arrived home to England, he brought a Spanish fortune equivalent to billions of pounds in today’s money, and Queen Elizabeth I was able to pay off the nation's national debt, which was rathernice to put it mildly. But where is Drake today when we need him?

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzzzzzzz !!!!

Danish translation

09:00 Vi kører over til det lokale Tesco-supermarked i den lille by Bishops Cleeve for at købe ind. Bagefter smutter vi ind i den nærliggende isenkræmmerforretning og bagefter i TOFS- (the Original Factory Shop: en almindelig discountbutikskæde), for at lede efter en køkkensaks i høj kvalitet, men uden succes. Lois siger, at de almindelige køkkensakser med plastikhåntag varer ikke ret længe. Vi beslutter at finde en på nettet. Vi kører hjem og slapper af med en kop kaffe i sofaen.

11:00 Lois finder en saks på Lakelands websted. Håndtaget er af plastik, men fremstillingsvirksomheden  garanterer den i 25 år, hvilket er beroligende, og oven i købet kommer den med en skærper. Lois bestiller også en køkkenkniv, der er selvskærpende.

Det hele er lidt irriterende, fordi vi før i tidne havde en hæderlig god saks, der sad i køkkenskuffen i årevis, men vi ved ikke hvor den er blevet af. Hvorfor er det altid de gode køkkenredskaber, der forsvinder, forladende os med bare de elendige?

Men jeg synes, ikke at Lois og jeg er de eneste, der har bemærket dette fænomen, for at sige mildt. Nora Jay, en lokal kvinde, ramte overskrifterne for nylig, efter hun rapporterede et lignende problem til lokale journalister (kilde: Onion News), og hele historien gik viralt.

En lokal kvinde, Norah Jay, fortalte journalister, at den gode saks ikke var i den fucking skuffe, hvor de tilhørte, selvom der ikke var nogen grund til at de skulle være andetsteds.

"Gud forband det, hvor i helvede er den? Jeg ved ikke, hvordan jeg skal færdiggøre indpakning af denne fødselsdagsgave uden mit ene hæderlige saks, "sagde Jay, 30, da hun drønede igennem hendes hjem på jagt efter den Fiskars premier håndværkssaks, hun havde betalt over 15$ for hos Michaels Stores.

"Jeg ved ikke, hvilket røvhul flyttede dem fra det eneste sted, de skulle være, men nu antager jeg, at jeg bliver tvunget til at nøjes med køkkensaksen eller de skide småblå, jeg fik fra IKEA .

”Jesus Kristus, disse ting kan knapt skære! "

På pressetid fortalte Jay reportere, at hun havde fundet den gode saks i den anden skuffe.

Lidt af en advarsel der i den der nyhedshistorie, ingen tvivl om det! Lois og jeg er blevet tvunget i dag til at bruge 4.99£ på en ny saks – lad os håbe, at den gamle, ”gode” saks ikke dukker op i en anden skuffe om de næste 24 timer. Du godeste, en eller anden ond ånd eller djævel er ude efter os, en eller anden ond ånd eller djævel straffer os igen, det ved vi med sikkerhed !!!!

en typisk Fiskar premier håndværksaks (8 inch modellen)

11:45 Jeg hopper op på min kondicykel og cykler 9 miles. Bagefter laver jeg ldit led vægttræning.

12:30 Vi spiser frokost og bagefter går jeg i seng for at tage en gigantisk eftermiddagslur.

15:00 Lois hopper op i sengen til mig. Vi bliver liggende ind i sengen i et par timer, og hun læser 10 sider af sin nuværende sengetidbog. Vi står op kl 17 og slapper af med en kop te og en kiks i sofaen.

18:00 Vi spiser aftensmad, og derefter bruger vi resten af aftenen på at lytte til radio og se lidt fjernsyn. For det første hører vi et morsomt radioprogram:  Tim Vines Chat Show, direkte live fra byen Wakefields ”Theatre Royal and Opera House”. Vi hører Tim beskrive Wakefield som ”hjemstedet for opera” – lidt af en overdrivelse måske, men publikummet synes åbenbart at være gladt for hyldesten, for at sige mildt.

Byen Wakefields Theatre Royal and Opera House

Tim Vine er vores yndlings-standupkomiker, ingen tvivl om det, og vi kan vældig godt lide hans verbale humor. Lois og jeg mistænker, at størstedelen af hans humor stammer fra, at han lever et så interessant liv. Det må gøre de forholdsvis let at få inspiration til sine forskellige standup rutiner – det må jeg nok  sige. Jeg citerer showets åbnende linjer, som et godt eksempel:

An extraordinary thing happened to me today. I was parked on the side of a hill and I was suddenly overtaken by 3 trees, a bollard, and a woman screaming, “Put your handbrake on.”

My girlfriend said to me, ‘Tim, how come you always walk in front of me?” I said, “I’m sorry, I  don’t follow you.”

And then a bloke came up to me. He said, “How would you like to own Wembley Stadium, Wembley Arena, and all their facilities?”. I said “Are you trying to give me a complex?”

Then I saw this genie. He was going “I’m so frightened, I’m so frightened!”. I thought, “He’s lost his bottle”. I said “Can I have a go on your sword?”. He said, “All right, I’ll give you 3 swishes.”

So I went down the local hospital, and I saw a pixie. He was elated. Well, he was pixilated – I couldn’t see his face. I said, “Are you here to give blood?” He said, “I’m not allowed to give blood”. I said “Why not?”. He said “I’ve got too much hæmogoblin [sic].”

But I’ve got a friend, who shall remain nameless, who never got christened. Last time I went to a christening the vicar was facing the wrong way. He was back to font. I saw a vicar at a cathedral, his left arm dropped off, I thought, “He was a loose canon”. He said, “Do you deny getting married to two women?”. I said, “I do, I do.”

So I went to a karaoke night at the Vatican:  London, New York, Paris, Munic, everybody talking ‘bout pope music. I said to this German, I said, “Can you tell me where the pope lives?”. He said, “Vat I can.” I said, “How come you’ve got a piece of meat in the boot of your car?” He said, “That is my spare veal”.

Lois og jeg synes, det er lidt af en skam, at Tim ikke skriver en regelmæssig blog, så vi kan følge med i sine ekstrordinære oplevelser på daglig basis, men det springer jeg over!

Tim Vine's Chatshow

20:00  Vi slukker for radioen og ser lidt fjernsyn. De viser en interessant dokumentarfilm, der handler om ”Vildt Arabien”, tredje del af 3.

Dette program er Lois’ valg – denne slags naturdokumentarfilm er ikke egentlig min ting, men med vores spritnye (brugte) ”massive” 32 inch tv, er det hele langt mere grafisk, for at sige mildt, end dengang vi bare havde en lille 20 inch skærm.

For mit vedkommende er ugens dårlige syn et slow motion closeup af en kamels hoved, hvor dyret skummer ved munden under et kamelvæddeløb i Dubai.

for mig ugens dårlige syn: en kamel skummer ved munden i slowmotion

under en film af et kamelvæddeløb i Dubai.

Jeg vidste ikke, at nu til dags er de små drengene, der før i tiden plejede at ride kamellerne, blevet udskiftet af småbitte robotter med programmerbare piske. Ejerne følger med i løbet fra deres bil,  som de kører langs løbesporet, talende med deres kameller via en link og kontrollerende de programmerbare pisker.

Du godeste, sikke et vanvid!

Men jeg er ikke helt overrasket, da Lois siger, hun allerede ved alt om sporten, robotterne og alt det der. Hun har i årevis haft en fast abonnement på ”The Week”-tidsskriftet, der giver en oversigt af de vigtigste nyheder verden over, inklusive talrige baggrundsartikler.

Sikke en kvinde!!!!

21:00 Vi fortsætter med at se lidt fjernsyn. De viser endnu en interessant dokumentarfilm, der handler om Francis Drake og hans lillebitte skib ”Golden Hinde”, hvormed han mellem 1577 og 1580 blev den første englænder til at sejle rundt om jorden (ved en fejltagelse)– du godeste, sikke et vanvid!!!

Hans oprindelige plan var at sejle rundt om nutidens Argentina ind i Stillehavet for at angribe spanske skatskiber langs det vestlige kyst af Syd-Amerika. Men han fortalte ikke sin besætning om planen af frygt for, at de ville nægte at komme med.

Efter at plyndre et par spanske skibe, planlagde han at sejle tilbage til England ved at opdage den mystiske Nordvestpassage nord for nutidens Alaska, men det mislykkedes ham at finde ruten. Derfor besluttede han at sejle vestpå fra nutidens Californien via nutidens Indonesien tilbage til England. 

Hans ophold i nutidens Californien var officielt den første gang, det engelske sprog lød i området, og predaterede de berømte ”Valley Girls” med 400 år, eller deromkring.

Typiske Valley Girl-speak.

Så vidt vi ved, brugte Drake næsten aldrig disse typer af udtryk, men dette er rent spekulation – det må jeg indrømme, men hvem ved? Sagde ham ikke, at ”It isn't true life ashore sucks. But life at sea is omg just totally awesome!”

Da Drake ankom til England, medbragte han en spansk formuer, der tilsvarer til millionvis af £ i nutidens pene, og dronning Elizabeth kunne afbetale landets nationale gæld, hvilket var rart, for at sige mildt. Men hvor er Drake i dag, når vi har brug for ham?

22:00 Vi går i seng – zzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!