Danskcolin: Sunday, December 16 2018

08:30 Lois and I get up and after breakfast we talk a little on whatsapp with Sarah, our daughter in Perth, Australia, and with her 5-year-old twins, Lily and Jessie. The family wants to skype with us again, also with our other daughter, Alison and her family, on December 25, when Lois and I will be having Christmas dinner with Alison & Co in Haslemere, Surrey.

Francis, Sarah's husband, wants to skype during the actual Christmas meal so that we will be 13 when we sit down to table (Copyright Agatha Christie’s "Thirteen for Dinner"; lucky for some ha ha!).

An original idea, no doubt about it. And I do not want to dampen Francis's enthusiasm, but I suspect it would be a bit distracting to skype and eat at the same time. Let's keep it simple this year, shall we!

Lily (leftmost) and Jessie (rightmost) with some of their

young Australian friends from the kindergarten, just before a performance

of their class’s annual Christmas nativity play. How cute they are!

10:50 Lois and I have to go out. She wants to attend her sect’s two worship services taking place today in the town of Tewkesbury. She has asked me to drive her over there because of her continued back problems.

I drop her off in front of the town library, which the sect rents on Sundays, and then I drive home. On the way, I swing by the local Morrisons supermarket to buy some things: fresh fruit and dried fruit, bread, a lettuce, a pack of brown rice, two bottles of tonic water, a bottle of gin, and a bottle of Morrison's Ruby port which Steve, my American brother in law recommended the other day. Yum yum!

12:30 I come home and sort out our waste, recycling waste and compost. Afterwards I have lunch: cheese sandwiches and 2 mini tomatoes.

It's a bit of a shame, but when Lois has back problems, my usual alone time disappears on Sundays, totally or almost totally. When she drives herself to the worship services, I have 5 hours alone time to complete tasks on my to-do list, but when I have to drive her over there, especially if I also have to do a bit of food shopping, I don’t really have any chances to cross tasks off the list. Nevertheless, I'm very happy to help her - it's no fun having back pain, I know. And I myself have been having some from time to time recently - yikes! We are both getting old - no doubt about that !!

I intend to contact Janet Hartley, a local back problems expert, about what could be the source of my recent back problems. She has no formal qualifications, but she has researched medical problems extensively on the web, according to Onion News.

Throughout her life, Janet Hartley has suffered from a number of poorly defined viruses and inexplicable aches and pains, and has diagnosed herself with everything from diabetes to cancer. But ever since she discovered such online medical resources as WebMD, drkoop.com and Yahoo! Health, the 41-year-old hypochondriac has found a whole new world of imaginary diseases opening up for her.

"The internet has really revolutionised my ability to keep track of my medical problems," said Hartley, speaking to journalists from her bed. "For example, I used to think mistakenly that my headaches were just really bad migraines. But last week, while searching for Mt. Sinai Hospital's online medical database, I learned about something more serious called cranial AVM or arteriovascular malformation, which along with headache pain, can also result in dizziness, concentration disturbances and impaired vision. I immediately thought to myself: "Hey, that's exactly what happens to me." "

With a wide range of medical resources available to her at the click of a mouse, Hartley has been able to investigate workplace maladies that vary from office chair-induced lumbar vertebral shift, through the carcinogenic properties of coffee pot residue, to the possibility of spinal fluid poisoning due to carpet-fabric outgassing. But perhaps Hartley's favourite thing about the internet is its ability to connect her with other hypochondriacs.

An interesting article and I must definitely contact Janet next year - no doubt about that! I have just about had it up to here with doctors at the moment. But Janet has her finger on the pulse - literally too, ha ha!

14:30 I drive over to Tewkesbury to pick Lois up. I usually sit and wait in the nearby car park on Sun Street, but today I spot a female traffic warden ready to pounce - damn! I do not want to pay the parking charge for only 5 minutes of parking, so I cruise slowly around the streets instead, on the lookout for Lois coming out of the library. I pick her up and we come home. We relax with a cup of tea on the sofa.

Lois hurries into the kitchen and starts cooking because we have to have dinner a little earlier than usual tonight. We have tickets for a Christmas concert, organised by Cheltenham Bach Choir, starting at 6:30 pm. One of my former work colleagues is a member of the choir, and it will be fun to see her again and talk about the old days.

Our tickets for tonight's concert

Sarah and me in happier times: Ottawa 1998,

on a business trip to Canada and the United States.

17:00 Lois and I have dinner – roast duck, roast potatoes, carrots and home-grown green beans yum yum - a little earlier than normal and a little faster than usual too - yikes!

We arrive at Pittville Pump Room at 5:50 pm, but there are already almost no parking spaces left, and the concert hall is already “rammed”, 40 minutes before the start of the concert – good grief, what madness!

Pittville Pump Room's concert hall

Exiled to the back of the hall, we wait for the performance to start

Lois coming back from the bathroom

The show is about to start

It's a bit of a shame that there is so little space in the rows. My former work colleague Sarah, a member of the Bach Choir, tells me during the break that the town hall staff screwed up the ticket sales and sold too many tickets - and Pump Room staff had to install more seats and move the rows closer together than usual. What madness – it’s like sitting on a Ryan Airways plane and flying super-economy.

The concert was a lot of fun, with not only the Cheltenham Bach choir performing, but also a charming choir of young teenage girls, the Beauregard Youth Choir, and also one of the world's Top 20 Brass Bands, the local (Gloucester-based) Flowers Band. Sheer delight.

The Beauregard Youth Choir

And the leader of Flowers Band demonstrates a good line in Brexit and Trump jokes, which is nice, for example, "What are we going to do about Hurricane Florence, Mr. President? "" Pay her the same as we paid Stormy Daniels" and the like. Are these new jokes or old? That’s something Lois and I are not completely sure about. We are just a couple of old crows and not up to date with the latest styles of humour - we have no doubts about that !!!!

He asks the audience whether Brexit has happened yet or not, but nobody present is quite sure: many in the audience are as old and as behind the times as we are. My god, what madness - this is only our country going down the tubes !!!!

What a crazy world we live in !!!!

20:30 The concert is over and we come home. We relax with a cup of cocoa and watch a bit of television. An amusing documentary is on, all about Mel Smith, the English comedian, who sadly died a few years ago, at only 60 years of age.

Mel was known for his very serious and "flat" style of acting in comic sketches. His comic philosophy was that if the viewers turned down the volume they should be unable able to tell whether the actors are being funny or not.

Mel became famous in the early 1980s, during the Thatcher era, along with Rowan Atkinson, the subsequent Mr Bean, and others, in their comedy series, "Not The Nine o’ Clock News."

It is very amusing to see again some of Mel’s beloved sketches, such as the "Swedish Pharmacy" sketch with Rowan Atkinson.

Happy days !!!!!

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzzz !!!!!

Danish translation

08:30 Lois og jeg går i bad og efter morgenmad taler vi lidt med Sarah, vores datter i Perth, Australien og med hendes 5-årige tvillinger, Lily og Jessie. De vil skype med os og med vores anden datter, Alisons familie, den 25. december, når Lois og jeg spiser julefrokost hos dem, i Haslemere, Surrey.

Francis, Sarahs mand, har lyst til at skype under selve julefrokost, så vi bliver 13 når vi sætter os til bords (Copyright Agatha Christie og ”Thirteen at Dinner”; heldigt for nogle og uheldigt for andre ha ha).

En oprindelig idé, ingen tvivl om det. Og jeg ønsker ikke at dæmpe Francis’ entusiasme, men jeg mistænker, det ville være lidt distraherende at skype og spise samtidigt. Lad os holde det simpelt!

Lily (til venstre) og Jessie (til højre) med nogle af deres

unge australske venner fra børnehaven, lige før en forestilling af

deres klasses årlige juleteaterstykke

10:50 Lois og jeg skal ud. Hun ønsker at deltage i sin sekts to gudstjenester, der finder sted i dag i byen Tewkesbury. Hun har bedt mig om at køre hende derover på grund af sine fortsatte rygproblemer.

Jeg sætter hende af foran byens bibliotek, som sekten lejer om søndagen, og kører hjem. På vej smutter jeg ind i det lokale Morrisons-supermarked for at købe nogle ting: frisk frugt og tørret frugt, brød, en salat, en pakke brun ris, to flasker tonicvand, en flaske gin, og en flaske Morrisons Ruby-portvin, som Steve, min amerikanske svigerbror forleden anbefalede. Yum yum!

12:30 Jeg kommer hjem og sorterer vores affald, genbrugsaffald og kompost. Bagefter spiser jeg frokost: ostemad og 2 mini-tomater.

Det er lidt af en skam, men når Lois har rygproblemer, forsvinder min sædvanlige alenetid om søndagen totalt eller næsten totalt. Når hun kører selv til gudstjenesterne, har jeg 5 timer alenetid for at klare opgaver på min gøremålsliste, men når jeg er nødt til at køre hende derover, specielt hvis jeg også er nødt til at gå lidt madindkøb, får jeg faktisk ingen muligheder for at strege opgaver fra listen. Jeg er ikke desto mindre meget glad for at kunne hjælpe hende – det er ikke sjovt at have rygsmerter. Og jeg selv har lidt af dem fra tid til anden for nylig – yikes! Vi bliver gamle – ingen tvivl om det!!

Jeg har til hensigt at kontakte Janet Hartley, en lokal rygproblemer-ekspert, om hvad kunne være kilden på mit nylige rygproblem. Hun har ingen formelle kvalifikationer, men har forsket medicinske problemer omfattende på nettet, ifølge Onion News.

Hele livet har Janet Hartley lidt af en række dårligt definerede vira og uforklarlige smerter, og har diagnosticeret sig med alting fra diabetes til kræft. Men lige siden hun opdagede sådanne online medicinske ressourcer som WebMD, drkoop.com og Yahoo! Sundhed, har den 41-årige hypokondriac har fået en helt ny verden af imaginære sygdomme åbnet for hende.

"Internettet har virkelig revolutioneret min evne til at holde styr på mine medicinske problemer," sagde Hartley, der talte fra hendes seng. "For eksempel plejede jeg at tro fejlagtigt, at mine hovedpiner var bare rigtig dårlige migræne. Men i sidste uge, mens jeg søgte på Mt. Sinai Hospitals online medicinske database, lærte jeg om noget meget mere alvorligt kaldet kranial AVM eller arteriovaskulær misdannelse, som sammen med hovedpinesmerter, også kan resultere i svimmelhed, koncentrationsforstyrrelser og nedsat syn. Jeg tænkte straks til mig selv: "Hey, det sker præcis, hvad der sker med mig." "

Med et bredt udvalg af medicinske ressourcer til rådighed for hende ved et klik af en mus har Hartley været i stand til at undersøge maladier på arbejdspladsen, der varierer fra kontorstoleinduceret lændehvirvlernes forskydning til de kræftfremkaldende egenskaber af kaffepotrester til muligheden for spinalvæskesforgiftning som følge af udvaskning af gulvtæppet. Men måske er Hartleys foretrukne ting om internettet dens evne til at forbinde hende med andre hypokondrierer.

En interessant artikel og jeg må absolut kontakte Janet til næste år – ingen tvivl om det! Hun har fingeren på pulsen – bogstaveligt talt også ha ha!

14:30 Jeg kører over til Tewkesbury for at hente Lois. Jeg venter sædvanligt i den nærliggende parkeringsplads på Solgade, men i dag spotter jeg en kvindelig parkeringskontrollør – pokkers! Jeg har ikke lyst til at betale parkeringsafgiften for kun 5 minutters parkering, så kører jeg langsomt omkring i gaderne i stedet for, på udkig efter, at Lois kommer ud af biblioteket. Jeg henter hende, og vi kommer hjem. Vi slapper af med en kop te i sofaen.

Lois skynder sig ind i køkkenet og går i gang med at lave mad, fordi vi må spiser aftensmad lidt tidligere, end normalt, i aften. Vi har billetter til en julekorkoncert, arrangeret af Cheltenham Bach Choir, der starter kl 18:30. En af mine tidligere arbejdskollegaer er medlem af koret, og det vil være også sjovt at se hende og snakke lidt om de gamle dage.

Aftenens koncert

Vores billetter

Sarah og mig i lykkeligere tider: Ottawa 1998,

på forretningsrejse til Canada og USA.

17:00 Vi spiser aftensmad – stegte and, stegte kartofler, gulerøder og hjemmedyrkede grønne bønner yum yum - lidt tildigere, end normalt,og lidt hurtigere, end normalt – yikes!

Vi ankommer til Pittville Pump Room kl 17:50, men der er allerede næsten ingen parkeringspladser tilbage, og koncertsalen er stuvende fuld, 40 minutter før begyndelsen af koncertet – du godeste, sikke et vanvid!

Pittville Pump Rooms koncertsal

Vi sidder og venter på forestillingen

Lois kommer tilbage fra toilettet

Forestillingen er ved at starte

Det er lidt af en skam, at dere er så lidt plads i rækkerne. Min tidligere arbejdskollega Sarah, et medlem af Bach-koret, fortæller mig i pausen, at rådhusets personale fuckede billetsalget op og solgte for mange billetter – og Pump Rooms personale blev nødt til at installere flere sæder, og rykke rækkerne tættere sammen, end normalt. Sikke et vanvid!!!!

Koncerten var meget sjovt, med ikke bare Cheltenham Bach-koret, men også et charmende kor af unge teenagepiger, Beauregard Youth Choir, og også en af verdens Top 20 hornorkestrer, det lokale (Gloucester-baserede) Flowers Band. Ren fornøjelse.

Beauregard Youth Choir

Og Flowers Bands leder demonsterer en god linje i Brexit- og Trump-jokes, hvilket er rart, for eksempel, ”What are we going to do about Hurricane Florence, Mr. President?” ”Pay her the same you paid Stormy Daniels” og lignende. Er disse nye jokes eller gamle? Det er Lois og jeg er ikke helt sikre på. Vi er bare et par gamle krager og er ikke ajour længere med den seneste humor – det har vi ikke nogen tvivl om!!!! Han spørger publikummet, om Brexit har sket endnu, eller ej, men ingen til stede er helt sikker: mange i publikummet er så gamle og så bagud for vores tid, som os. Du godeste, sikke et vanvid!!!!

20:30 Koncertet er slut og vi kommer hjem. Vi slapper af med en kop kakao, og ser lidt fjernsyn. De viser en morsom dokumentarfilm, der handler om Mel Smith, den engelske komiker, der for nogle år siden desværre døde, på kun 60 år.

Mel var kendt for sin meget alvorlige og ”flade” stil af at optræde i komiske sketcher. Hans komiske filosofi var, at hvis men skruer ned for volumen kan man ikke vide, om skuespillere gør noget morsomt eller ej.

Han blev berømt først i 1980’erne, under Thatcher-æraen, sammen med Rowan Atkinson, den senere Mr Bean, og andre, i deres komedie-serie, ”Not The Nine o’ Clock News”.