Monday, December 10 2018

Lois and I drive over to the M & S chain's large "home store", located in Kingsditch retail park a little outside the town centre, so she can buy Christmas presents for her niece and nephew's children and grandchildren in Oxford. They are Lois's closest relatives outside our own family, a total of 13 children (yikes! Lois' niece and nephew have been running one huge baby factory, that’s for sure!). All 13 of them are descendants of Lois' brother Andrew and of Jenny, Andrews wife, now both sadly deceased.

The home store has a small Christmas gift section at the front of the store, where small gifts, so-called stocking-fillers are sold, which is useful. I stand around holding the shopping basket while Lois browses. After a while, Lois begins to feel sorry for me and gives me permission to pop into the store’s café to have a cup of coffee and a cake, or something similar.

Lois starts to select Christmas presents

for her niece and nephew’s 13 children and grandchildren in Oxford

After a while, she gives me permission to pop into the store’s café on the 2nd floor

and have a cup of coffee and a piece of cake....

... and while I'm in the cafe, I take the above aerial photo of Lois on the ground floor

(she is to the right, halfway down the aisle)

Lois has a secret plan, I think, to keep the retail sector alive, at least until both of us are dead, or that’s what I suspect at least.

I do not have a lot to do on these kinds of shopping trips (apart from sitting in the cafe) because I have already bought the majority of my Christmas presents on Amazon.

And considering the latest developments in Amazon technology, it is possible that the gifts are already in the recipients’ hands, I have to say.

I recently read about Amazons plans to expand their suspension tanks, which are full of the clairvoyants who predict what we, their typical consumers, are going to order later (source: Onion News).

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, after last year explaining that a larger containment centre was needed to keep an eye on the increased demand, announced to journalists the completion of a new suspension tank which allows the online retailer to accommodate even more of the psychic beings who predict each customer’s future orders.

The glass-walled tank allegedly covers five floors of a building in Amazon's central Seattle campus and contains 750,000 gallons of the psychoactive nutrient fluid needed to keep alive the 256 pale humanoids who predict the online purchases of millions of consumers every day worldwide.

"This facility will enable us to double our population of humanoid clairvoyants, which means we will receive more prophecies of orders that we can send to people who do not even know yet that they want them," said Bezos, noting that the completely silent temperature-controlled tank will keep the creatures comfortable and focused while they predict 10,000 individualised orders per second for (e.g.) razor blade cartridges.

"One of our prophets will send you the right product days before you'd think of buying it," he said, "for example, either by divining the exact hiking boots that your father wants for his birthday or by imagining which one of the 20,000 different ear buds is right for you. "

"This expanded capacity means that every single person with an Amazon account will now begin to receive orders that they are not yet aware of wishing to place," added Bezos.

My god, what a crazy world we live in !!!!

Some of the schools of clairvoyants 

in Amazon's new suspension tank in Seattle

I am not quite sure that this development is 100% good news. I wonder if Amazon has simply become too greedy - or have I just become a bit paranoid? In addition, I'm a little concerned that more clairvoyants in the same suspension tank will have more opportunities to breed, outside of "busy" periods.

You can blame me for being alarmist if you want to, but Amazon itself has reported serious teething problems with the scheme.

According to business sources, work on the new upgraded suspension tank had to be accelerated to ensure completion well before last year's gift-buying season, because the number of last-minute orders placed was overloading the temporal lobes of the psychic beings and injuring their precognitive functions. 

The problem is said to have gone unnoticed until employees discovered an unusual number of gift-wrapped lawn chairs being sent to addresses around the world, each containing a gift message that was printed with random words from a dozen or more languages.

Amazon laboratory engineers told reporters that on December 23, they discovered the clairvoyants thrashing about in their tank and screaming sequences of order confirmation numbers that did not even exist. The fluid in their neural baths had become dangerously thin, almost completely exhausted by nutrients, and it took a few weeks to bring them back online.

My god, what madness! 

Perhaps after all Lois has the right idea just to go shopping in the local stores! On the other hand, progress is progress. We have no other choice, I think than to accept the changes and try to work with them, not against them, I believe.

11:30 Lois and I come home and we have lunch. Afterwards I go to bed and take a huge afternoon nap. I get up at 3 pm and we relax with a cup of tea and a danish - yum yum!

16:15 Alison, our daughter in Haslemere, Surrey, calls us and we talk a little about our plans to spend Christmas time with her and her family:  Ed, her husband and their 3 children - Josie (12), Rosalind (10) ) and Isaac (8).

We do not talk to her about Ed's job situation - he was made redundant by his company in Denmark at the end of March, and as far as we know, he is still unemployed after almost 9 months. Although he did receive a generous amount of compensation, we believe - it could be as much as a year's salary. But Alison has said in the past that he really wants to get a solid job offer before Christmas.

18:00 We have dinner and spend the rest of the evening listening to the radio and watching some television. . Monday evening is TV quiz evening at our house. "Only Connect" and "University Challenge are on.

Lois and I are always happy about those questions that we can answer, but which all the fresh young minds are striking out on, because we think it proves we are not yet suffering from dementia.

This evening a team of men with Welsh ancestors "The Dragons" are taking on a team of theatre-goers, "The Westenders".

In the so-called "Picture Round", Victoria shows the  participants 4 apparently unconnected images to find the connection between: Orchids, Plums, Mustard, and a Peacock. Mysterious! The Dragons team mistakenly guess that all 4 are slang words for testicles; This suggestion was mostly based on the first 2 things: the orchids and the plums.

The "Westenders" team guesses correctly that all 4 things refer to characters in the English version of the board game Clue / Cluedo: "Dr Orchid, Prof. Plum, Col. Mustard, and Mrs Peacock ".

Lois and I are a bit surprised because when, centuries ago, we used to play Cluedo with our two daughters, Alison and Sarah, there was no character called "Dr Orchid", but Victoria, the quiz's charming host, explains that Dr Orchid is a new character, a sexy scientist, introduced 2 years ago to replace the former Mrs White.

Out: Mrs White

In: Dr Orchid

My god, what madness !! Why was it necessary to replace Mrs White, we ask ourselves. I do a little research online. Apparently, the company that markets the board game, Hasbro, decided that Mrs White, the mansion’s housekeeper, was "too old-fashioned" and they replaced her with another female character, the sexy Dr. Orchid.

Dr Orchid is desccribed as a "biologist with a PhD in plant toxicology who was educated in a boarding school in Switzerland, until her expulsion after an incident involving daffodils that resulted in a poisoning. "

A powerful and at the same time impressive "cv" / resumé - no doubt about that, but would it worry potential new employers? The jury is still out on that one.

Our son-in-law in Perth, Australia, Francis, is currently in the process of perfecting his cv, because Sarah and Francis’s 5-year-old twins, Lily and Jessie start full-time school in February, and Francis, who has looked after them for 5 years as a "papa latte" (“stay-at-home dad”) , has already received a contact from a local employer in the Perth area. Good luck with that, Francis!

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzzz !!!!

Danish translation

Lois og jeg kører over til M&S-kædens store møbelhus, der ligger i Kingsditch-detailpark lidt udenfor bymidten, så hun kan købe julegaver til sin niece og nevøs børne og børnebørn i Oxford. De er Lois’ tætteste slægtninge, sammenlagt 13 børn (yikes! Lois’ niece og nevø driver en kæmpe babyfabrik – ingen tvivl om det!). Alle 13 af dem er derfor efterkommere af Lois’ bror Andrew og Jenny, Andrews kone, nu begge to desværre afdøde.

Møbelhuset har en lille julegave-afdeling i forsiden af stormagasinet, hvor der sælges små gaver, såkaldte strømpefyldstoffer, hvilket er nyttigt. Efter et stykke tid, begynder Lois at have ondt af mig, og giver mig love til at smutte ind i magasinets café, drikker en kop kaffe og spise en kage eller lignende.

Lois går i gang med at vælge julegaver

til hendes niece og nevers 13 børn og børnebørn i Oxford

Efter et stykke tid giver hum mig lov til at smutte ind i magasinets café på 2. etage

og drikke en kop kaffe og spiser et stykke kage.

Mens jeg sidder i caféen, tager jeg dette foto af Lois på stueetagen

(hun er til højre af billedet)

Lois har en hemmelig plan, tror jeg, om at holde liv i detailsektoren, mindst indtil vi begge to er døde, eller det mistænker jeg i det mindste.

Jeg  har selv ikke ret meget at lave under de slags indkøbsture (bortset fra at sidde i caféen), fordi jeg i morges allerede har købt hovedparten af mine julegaver på amazon.

Og i betragtning af de seneste udviklinger i Amazons teknologi, er det muligt, at gaverne allerede er i  modtagerne hænder.

Jeg læste for tiden om Amazons planer om at udvide deres tanker fulde af clairvoyanter, der forudser, hvad vi, deres typiske forbrugere, senere skal komme til at bestille (kilde: Onion News).

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, efter han sidste år forklarede, at det større indeslutningscenter var nødvendigt for at holde øje med den øgede efterspørgsel, annoncerede forleden til journalister færdiggørelsen af en ny suspensionstank, der gør det muligt for onlineforhandleren at rumme endnu flere af de psykiske væsener, der forudser hver forbrugers fremtidige ordrer .

Det glasvæggede tank indeholder angiveligt fem etager af en bygning i Amazons centrale Seattle campus og indeholder 750.000 gallons af det psykoaktive næringsvæske, der er nødvendigt for at holde liv i de 256 blegne, hårløse humanoider, som hver dag forudsiger online-købene af millioner af forbrugere verden over.

"Dette anlæg vil gøre det muligt for os at fordoble vores befolkning af clairvoyanter, hvilket betyder, at vi vil modtage flere profetier af ordrer, vi kan så sende til folk, som endnu ikke engang ved, at de gerne vil have dem ", sagde Bezos og bemærkede, at den helt lydløse temperatur- kontrolleret tank vil holde væsenene komfortable og fokuserede, da de forudsiger 10.000 individualiserede ordrer til (eksempelvis) barberknivpatroner pr. sekund.

"En af vores seere vil sende dig de rigtige produkt dage før du selv ville have købt den," siger han, "for eksempel enten ved at spå om de nøjagtige vandrestøvler, som din far ønsker til sin fødselsdag eller ved at forestille sig, hvilken af de 20.000 forskellige ørepropper passer til dig."

"Denne udvidede kapacitet betyder, at hver enkelt person med en Amazon-konto nu begynder at modtage ordrer, som de endnu ikke er bevidste om at ønske at placere," tilføjede Bezos.

Du godeste, sikke en skør verden vi lever i !!!!

Nogle af de flokke af clairvoyanter 

i Amazons nye suspensionstank i Seattle

Jeg er selv ikke ret sikker på, at denne udvikling er 100% god nyhed. Jeg spekulerer på, om Amazon simpelthen er blevet for begærlig – eller er jeg bare blevet lidt paranoid? Derudover jeg bekymrer mig lidt over, at flere clairvoyanter i samme suspensionstanken vil have flere muligheder for at formere sig.

Du kan beskylde mig for at være alarmist, hvis det har du lyst til, men selve Amazon har rapporterede alvorlige begyndervanskeligheder.

Ifølge virksomhedskilder blev arbejdet på den nye opgraderede suspensionstank fremskyndet for at sikre færdiggørelsen godt inden sidste års indkøbssæsonen, da antallet af sidsteøjeblikkelige gaveordrer placeret overbelastede de psykiske væseneres temporallapper og skadede deres precognitive funktioner . Problemet siges at være blevet ubemærket, indtil medarbejderne opdagede et usædvanligt antal gaveindpakkede græsplænestole, der sendes til adresser hele verden over, der hver indeholdt en gavebesked, der blev udprintet med tilfældige ord fra et dusin eller flere sprog.

Amazon laboratorieteknikere fortalte journalister, at den 23. december opdagede de clairvoyanter i gang med at slå om sig i deres tank og skrige sekvenser af ordrebekræftelsenumre, der ikke engang eksisterede. Væsken i deres neurale bad var blevet farligt tynd, næsten fuldstændig udtømt af næringsstoffer, og det tog angiveligt nogle uger at bringe dem tilbage online.

Du godeste, sikke et vanvid!  Måske har Lois den rigtige idé i bare at gå på indkøb i de lokale butikker! På den anden side, er fremskridt fremskridt. Vi har ikke andet valg, synes jeg, end at acceptere forandringer og prøve at arbejde med dem, ikke mod dem.

11:30 Lois og jeg kommer hjem og spiser frokost. Bagefter går jeg i seng og tager en gigantisk eftermiddagslur. Jeg står op kl 15 og vi slapper af med en kop te og et stykke wienerbrød – yum yum!

16:15 Alison, vores datter i Haslemere, Surrey, ringer til os og vi snakker lidt om vores planer om at tilbringe juletiden hos hendes og hende familie: Ed, hendes mand, og deres 3 børn – Josie (12), Rosalind (10) og Isaac (8). Vi taler ikke med hende om Eds jobsituation – han blev afskediget af sit firma i Danmark ved slutningen af marts, og så vidt vi ved, er han stadig arbejdsløs efter snart 9 måneder.  Selvom han fik en generøs erstatningsbeløb, tror vi, måske så meget som et års løn. Man Alison har sagt før i tiden, at han virkelig har lyst til at få et solidt jobtilbud inden jul.

18:00 Vi spiser aftensmad og bruger resten af aftenen på at lytte til radio og se lidt fjernsyn. . Mandag aften er tv-quiz-aften hos os. De viser ”Only Connect” og ”University Challenge.

Lois og jeg er altid glad for de spørgsmål, som vi kan besvare, men som alle de friske unge hjerne har problemer med, fordi vi tror det beviser, at vi ikke endnu lider af demens.

I aften dyster et hold af mænd med walesiske forfædre ”The Dragons”, mod et hold af teatergængere ”The Westenders”.

I den såkaldte ”billede-omgang”, Victoria viste deltagere 4 tilsyneladende uforbundede billeder, som de skal finde forbindelsen imellem: orkideer, blommer, sennep, og en påfugl.  Mystisk! ”Dragons”-holdet gætter fejlagtigt, at alle 4 ting var slangord for testikler; dette forslag var for de meste baseret på de første 2 ting: orkidderne og blommerne.

”Westenders”- holdet gætter korrekt, at alle 4 ting refererer til karakterer i den engelske version of brætspillet Clue/Cluedo:  ”Dr Orchid, Prof. Plum, Col. Mustard, og Mrs Peacock”.

Lois og jeg er lidt overraskede, fordi når vi for århundreder siden plejede at spille Cluedo med vores to døtre, Alison og Sarah, var der ikke en karakter, der hed ”Dr Orchid”, men Victoria, quizzens charmerende vært, forklarer, at Dr Orchid var en ny karakter, en sexet forsker, der blev introduceret for 2 år siden for at udskifte den tidligere Mrs White.

Ude: Mrs White

Inde: Dr Orchid

Du godeste, sikke et vanvid!!  Hvorfor var det nødvendigt at udskifte Mrs White, spørger vi os selv. Jeg gør lidt forskning på nettet. Tilsyneladende besluttede selskabet, der sælger brætspillet, Hasbro, at Mrs White, paladsets husholderske var ”for gammeldags” og de har udskiftet hende med en anden kvindelige karakter, den sexede Dr. Orchid.

Dr Orchid er ”biolog med ph.d. i plantetoksikologi og var uddannet i en kostskole i Schweiz, indtil hendes udvisning efter en hændelse involverende påskeliljer, der resulterede i en  forgiftning”.

En magtfuld og samtidigt imponerende ”cv” – ingen tvivl om det, men ville det bekymre potentielle nye arbejdsgivere? Det er juryen stadig ude om.

Vores svigersøn i Perth, Australien, Francis, er for tiden i gang med at perfektionere sin cv – familiens 5-årige tvillinger, Lily og Jessie starter i fuldtidsskole i februar, og Francis, der har passet på dem i 5 år som ”papalatte”, er allerede fået en kontakt fra en lokal arbejdsgiver i Perth-området. Tillykke med det, Francis!

22:00 Vi går i seng – zzzzzzzz!!!!