Danskcolin: Saturday, March 9 2019

09:00 My left shoulder blade is not painful any more, so we drive over to Bishops Cleeve to do the food shopping - the chore we postponed from yesterday. Lois is behind the wheel for the first time in a few weeks: she has had new glasses prescribed, and it has taken her some time to feel comfortable with them.

I sit in the passenger seat during the trip, and feel a little tense, to put it mildly, while trying desperately to look calm. I am only worried about possible eye-sight problems - Lois is actually a better driver than me.

But anyway Lois drives without a problem, thank goodness, and we don't kill anyone, which is the main thing. So Lois, like me, remains a member of that exclusive group of locals who have never caused a fatality on the roads, which is nice.

My go-to local news site, Onion News, occasionally showcases one or other member of the so-called “Lois group”, such as Gary Widmers, for example.

Local man Gary Widmers turns 44 later this year, and local journalists have many times celebrated Gary's greatest contribution to humanity: that he has not caused any fatalities while behind the wheel, and how many of us can say the same?

"All in all, I have a lot to be proud of: I worked my way through college, I'm a good friend, I have a solid job," said Widmer, whose most enduring achievement is that he has never sent a pedestrian rolling over his car’s bonnet or even collided with a bus full of school children. “And I always try to give something back to society", he told journalists.

It’s true that Widmer is currently awaiting trial for a killing, but one which is completely unconnected with his driving skills, thank goodness.

09:15 We finally arrive at the Tesco car park after a 15-minute drive, which seemed much longer, for some reason.

First we pop into the Longfield charity shop. We have 6 bags of stuff to donate, things that our daughter Sarah left under her old bed and in her old wardrobe when she moved to Australia with her husband and children in December 2015.

Afterwards we go food shopping at the local Tesco supermarket, and finally we pop into Lowry’s café to recharge our batteries with a cup of coffee and a piece of cake. We drive home.

Our morning in pictures

12:00 We have lunch and afterwards I go to bed and take a gigantic afternoon nap. I get up at 3 pm and go downstairs - Lois is sitting on the sofa watching a Fred Astaire movie - she says she is feeling a little rough. She's got nausea from something or other. When the movie ends, I put her "Author! Author!” dvd into the dvd player so that she can continue with her" duvet afternoon ".

I think Lois has had an eventful and, to a certain extent, upsetting week: 3 nights when she was out of the house - a Bible seminar, her sect's business meeting, and a get-together with some of the sect's other female members. In addition, her girlfriend Mari-Ann's brother-in-law Billy was diagnosed with a tumour sitting in the wall of his trachea, and the doctors performed a tracheotomy on Friday at Gloucester Royal Hospital - at one point the doctors gave Billy only 24 hours to live, but he’s still holding out. And her friend Ursula's husband, Michael, died also - yikes, what a week! And probably that’s partly why Lois is feeling rough - and it's not too surprising.

16:00 I sit down with the computer and take a little look online, and I get a bit of a shock, to put it mildly, when I see Morten Ingemann's latest cartoon strip.

The Dane, Morten Ingemann, my favourite cartoonist

The Dane Ingemann is my favourite cartoonist - no doubt about that! He is particularly interested in ugly, overweight, middle-aged or elderly people, the kind of people that most cartoonists rarely pay attention to.

In this morning's cartoon strip, we see an ugly middle-aged couple who are driving a car along the Istarød Road, when they spot a very long cow, which is at least 4 times longer than their car. The couple stare at the cow, which is standing and grazing in a field next to the road. The man says to his wife, "They did say on the radio that there were long cows on the Isterød Road”.

This word-play – the Danish words for “cows” and for “queues” sound the same in Danish - does not work in English. It's true that the word "queues" is pronounced "coos" in the county of Norfolk, and the word "cows" is pronounced "coos" in Scotland, but the Venn diagram of the intersection of Norfolk and Scotland is fairly empty, which is a bit of a shame, to put it mildly.

A wasted opportunity there, no doubt about that!

Fortunately, Ingemann's headline title for the comic strip, ie "muuhtorvejen" (English: “the moo-terway”) works in both languages, which is nice.

16:30 I continue working on a Danish vocabulary list, which I want our U3A Danish group members to memorise before the group's next meeting in 7 days time, when I will test them. I am so demanding – ha ha ha!

The right answers to the test spell out another of stand-up comedian Tim Vine's famous one-liners, "I'm so lazy, I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button".

Incidentally, the right answers to our Danish group's new vocabulary test are top secret until Thursday at 3 pm, needless to say ha ha ha.

Another typical Tim Vine one-liner

17:30 Lois still feels a little out of sorts, so I hurry into the kitchen and make one of my signature dishes: corn-beef out of a can, boiled potatoes and peas. "Peas is [sic] good food," is one of our family's favourite mottoes.

Lois gets her appetite back when she sees (and hears!) my plate groaning with delicious food: fortunately there are a few potatoes left in the pot, and she cuts a few slices of corn-beef, and voilà, an attractive little snack. But she passes on the peas, which is a shame.

20:00 We spend the evening watching a bit of television. An interesting documentary is on, in the series "Secret Scotland". Tonight’s episode is all about the Orkney Islands. The programme's host is the amusingly down-to-earth, stocky Scottish stand-up comedian, Susan Calman.

An interesting and amusing programme. Lois and I are very pleased that we have our new, second-hand giant (32 inch) TV screen - we see amazing pictures of the 5000 year old neolithic village of Skara Brae, each house with its perfectly preserved interior, including beds, fireplaces, shelves, etc., all made out of stone.

the 5000-year-old village of Skara Brae.

We also see the 5000-year-old burial mound Maeshowe, and meet the mound's charming Norwegian curator, Dr Ragnhild Ljosland.

The burial mound’s charming Norwegian curator, Dr Ragnhild Ljosland (left),

talking with the programme's stocky host, the amusing comedian Susan Calman

It is well known that the islands were ruled by the Vikings for almost 800 years, starting from the 8th century. [No it isn’t – Ed]

And in the year 1100 or so, a bunch of Vikings, men and women, broke into the ancient Maeshowe Neolithic burial mound in search of treasure, but they found nothing, which was a little disappointing from their point of view, to put it mildly.

They then proceeded to cover the walls with graffiti (using runes, the old Viking alphabet, leaving behind the largest collection of runes now known outside Scandinavia).

Then they held a party in there. One of the women is named on the walls – so we know someone called Thorni was either screwing someone inside the burial mound, or was being screwed by someone, or both - the text is ambiguous, say experts. My goodness, what a crazy world we live in !!!

Finally, we visit Orkney's famous microbrewery.

Now the programme has started to make me thirsty, so I decide to give in and have a bottle of Hobgoblin beer before bed - yum yum!

22:00 Now we can go to bed - zzzzzzzzzz !!!!!

Danish translation

09:00 Mit venstre skulderblad er ikke pinagtigt længere, så vi kører over til Bishops Cleeve for at gå madindkøb - opgaven vi udsatte fra i går. Lois er bag rettet for første gang i nogle uger: hun har nye briller, og har behøvet at bruge tid på at vænne sig til dem.

Jeg sidder i passagersædet under turen, og føler mig lidt anspændt, for at sige mildt, mens jeg prøver desperat til at se rolig ud. Men Lois kører bil uden problem, gudskelov, og vi dræber ikke nogen. Så forbliver Lois medlem af den der eksklusive gruppe af lokale indbyggere, der aldrig har foranlediget en dødsulykke, hvilket er rart.

Mit go-to lokale nyhedswebsted, Onion News, fremviser fra tid til anden medlem af Lois’ gruppe, som for eksempel Gary Widmers.

Lokale mand Gary Widmers fylder 44 år senere på året, og lokale journalister har mange gange fejret Garys største bidrag til menneskeheden: dét, at han ikke har forårsaget nogen dødsulykke, mens han har været bag rettet, og hvor mange af os kan sige det samme?

"Alt i alt har jeg meget at være stolt af: jeg arbejdede mig gennem college, jeg er en god ven, jeg har et solidt arbejde," sagde Widmer, hvis mest vedvarende bedrift er, at han aldrig har gjort en fodgænger rulle over hans kølerhjelm eller kollideret med en bus fuld af skolebørn. "Og jeg forsøger også at give tilbage til samfundet." Widmer venter i øjeblikket på retsag for et drab, der har ingen forbindelse med hans bilkørefærdigheder, gudskelov.

09:15 Vi ankommer omsider til Tesco-parkeringspladsen efter en 15-minutters kørsel, der virkede meget længere, af en eller anden grund.

Først smutter vi ind i Longfield- velgørenhedsbutik. Vi har 6 poser ting, som vores datter Sarah efterlod under sin gamle seng og i sin gamle garderobe, da hun i december 2015 sammen med sin mand og børn flyttede til Australien. Bagefter går vi madindkøb i det lokale Tesco-supermarked, og til sidst smutter vi ind i Lowrys-caféen for at genoplade vores batterier med en kop kaffe og et stykke kage. Vi kører hjem.

Vores formiddag i billeder

12:00 Vi spiser frokost og bagefter går jeg i seng for at tage en gigantisk eftermiddagslur. Jeg står op kl 15 og går nedenunder – Lois sidder i sofaen og ser på en Fred Astaire-film – hun siger, hun føler sig lidt dårligt tilpas. Hun har fået kvalme af et eller andet. Da filmen slutter, sætter jeg hendes ”Author! Author!” dvd ind i dvd-spilleren, så hun kan fortsætte med sin ”dyneeftermiddag”.

Jeg synes, Lois har haft en begivenhedsrig og i vis grad oprivende uge: 3 aftener, da hun var ude af huset – en bibelseminar, sin sekts forretningsmøde, og en sammenkomst med nogle af sektens andre kvindelige medlemmer. Derudover blev sin veninde Mari-Anns svigerbror Billy diagnosticeret med en en svulst, der sidder i væggen af hans luftrør, og lægerne gennemførte en trakeotomi i fredags på Gloucester Royal Hospital – på ét tidspunkt gav lægerne Billy kun 24 timer tilbage til at leve i. Og hendes veninde Ursulas mand, Michael, døde også – yikes, sikke en uge! Og sandsynligvis derfor føler Lois sig dårligt tilpas – og der er ikke særlig overraskende.

16:00 Jeg sætter mig med computeren og kigger lidt på nettet, og jeg får lidt af et chok, for at sige mildt, da jeg ser Morten Ingemanns seneste tegnestribe.

Danske Morten Ingemann, min yndlingstegner

Danske Ingemann er min yndlingstegner – ingen tvivl om det! Han interesserer sig især for grimme, overvægtige, midaldrende eller ældre folk, de slags mennesker, som de fleste tegnere sjældent giver opmærksomhed til.

I formiddagens tegnestribe, ser vi et grimt midaldrende par, der er i gang med at køre bil ad Istarødvejen, da de får øje på en meget lang ko, som i det mindste er 4 gange længere, end deres bil. Parret stirrer på koen, der står og græsser på en mark ved siden af vejen. Manden bag rettet siger til sin kone, ”De sagde godt nok i radioen, at der var lange køer på Isterødvejen.

Denne ordspil – køer (cows) og køer (queues) lyder det samme på dansk – virker ikke på engelsk. Ordet ”queues” er udtalt ”coos” i grevskabet Norfolk, og ordet ”cows” er udtalt ”coos” i Skotland, men Venn-diagrammet af Norfolk og Skotland er ganske tømt, hvilket er lidt af en skam, for at sige mildt.

En spildt lejlighed der, uden tvivl !

Heldigvis Ingemanns titel til tegnesriben, dvs ”muuhtorrvejen” (mooterway) virker på begge sprog, hvilket er rart.

16:30 Jeg fortsætter med at udfærdige en dansk ordforrådlist, som jeg vil have vores U3A danske gruppes medlemmer til at lære udenad før gruppens næste møde om 7 dages tid.

De rigtige svar til testen staver en af standup komikeren Tim Vines berømte én-linje vittigheder, ”I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button”. I øvrigt er de rigtige svar på vores danske gruppes nye ordforrådtest tophemmelige indtil torsdag kl 15, unødvendigt at sige ha ha ha!!!

endnu én Tim Vine én-linje vittighed

17:30 Lois føler sig stadig lidt dårligt tilpas, så skynder jeg mig ind i køkkenet og laver en af mine signaturretter: cornbeef ud af en dåse, kogte kartofler og ærter. ”Peas is [sic] good food”, er en af vores families yndlingsmottoer.

Lois får sin appetit tilbage, da hun ser min tallerken, der bugner af lækker mad: heldigvis er der et par kartofler tilbage i gryden, og hun skærer sig et par skiver cornbeef, og voilà, en attraktiv lille snack. Hun går glip af ærterne.

20:00 Vi bruger aftenen på at se lidt fjernsyn. De viser en interessant dokumentarfilm i serien ”Secret Scotland”. Aftenens afsnit handler om Orkneyøerne. Programmets vært er den morsomme skotske jordnære, lavstammede stand-up komiker, Susan Calman.

Secret Scotland Listing

Secret Scotland Blurb

Et interessant og samtidig morsomt programme. Lois og jeg er meget glad for, at vi har vores nye, brugte kæmpe (32 inch) tv-skærm – vi ser fantastiske billeder af den 5000 år gamle neolitiske landsby Skara Brae, hvert hus med dens perfekte bevarede hus-indre, herunder senge, ildsteder, hylder osv, alle lavede af sten.

den 5000-årige landsby Skara Brae.

Vi ser også den 5000-årige gravhøjen Maeshowe, og møder gravhøjens charmerende norske konservator, dr Ragnhild Ljosland.

Gravhøjens charmerende norske konservator, dr Ragnhild Ljosland (til venstre)

med programmets lavstammede vært, den morsomme komiker Susan Calman

Det er velkendt, at øerne blev regeret af vikingerne i næsten 800 år, startende fra den 8. århundrede.

Og i år 1100 eller deromkring brødt en flok vikinger, mænd og kvinder, ind i Maeshowe-gravhøjen på jagt efter skat, men de fandt ikke noget, hvilket var lidt skuffende for deres vedkommende, for at sige mildt.

De dækkede væggene med graffiti ( brugende runer, det gamle vikingalfabet: og efterlod den største samling af runer eksisterende udenfor Skandinavien) og holdt en fest derinde. Thorni, en kvinde, for eksempel, enten kneppede nogen inde i gravhøjen, eller hun blev kneppet af nogen, eller begge to – teksten er tvetydig, lader det til. Du godeste, sikke en skør verden vi lever i !!!