Sunday September 29th 2024 "Is it noisy where YOU live? Bad luck then haha!"

Constant noise - oh dear, it's the curse of the modern age, isn't it. 

Did you see those hard-hitting comments from local man Bob Dunham in Onion News (Worcestershire) the other day? I bet it struck a few chords! It certainly did with my medium-to-long-suffering wife Lois and me, that's for sure!

Poor Bob!!!!

But at least Bob knows where the noise is coming from (!).

Unlike Lois and me, the night before last, in bed in our shiny-new new-build home here in Malvern, Worcestershire - a mysterious "beeping" was coming from somewhere: that's a handy thing to happen after midnight isn't it! 

And the beeping continued, every 30 seconds, for the rest of the night, until it, just as mysteriously, stopped about 8 am.

It reminded us of Larry David on "Curb Your Enthusiasm" - remember that episode?

At least Larry and Cherry were in bed, when the "house sound" erupted (!). 

Unlike poor Lee and Lucy, when their romantic "date night" got 'hijacked' by a house sound (!). 

You know the incident, it was in that re-run of their sitcom "Not Going Out" that was being shown this week on the Drama Channel, the one where Lucy asks Lee if they can try a "date night", and she cooks Lee a special fomantic meal by candlelight?

Lee assumes that Lucy wants to "put the passion back into their marriage", with a romantic dinner followed by sex on the dining-table? It's a bit of a cliché, I know, but bear with me!

They have the meal on the table, but they don't have the sex there afterwards, because, "mid-date", Lee hears a mysterious noise and he just has to track it down before they do anything else, and so spends the evening scouring the house, "killing the mood", to put it mildly (!).

Oh dear!

[That's enough exclamation marks in brackets (!) - Ed]

Lee and Lucy's romantic evening is interrupted by a mysterious

noise that Lee just "has" to get to the bottom of - what madness!

[That's enough old sitcoms! - Ed]

Of course in our case, as Lois and I discovered, it was the smoke alarm in our living room that was making the noise, presumably because it needed a new battery. And, handily, it seems to have been designed so that it only beeps at night. Also, it's been designed so that the little 0.25 inch "flap" - the one you have to push on to open the little bugger up to get the battery out - is almost totally invisible - unhelpful or what?

What is this modern obsession with making devices look "sleek" and "beautiful" although totally lacking in helpful markings, at the expense of usefulness, useful information, and user-friendliness? It's total madness !!!!

And Lois and I are in a total panic this morning, because the noise in our living-room is absolutely deafening. If it were just us we could just hide somewhere - in the kitchen or in bed - to escape the noise, but (a) we've got a whatsapp video call with Sarah this morning, followed by (b) a visit by one of Lois's former co-workers at the Cheltenham care home for old vicars that she used to work at before she retired in 2006.

While I fiddle about watching YouTube videos about "how to change the battery on your smoke alarm" and start fiddling about with a set of screwdrivers, Lois consults neighbours etc, and eventually we find out how you do it with the specially unhelpful smoke alarms installed in this new-build estate.

after consulting two neighbours, we find out

where the totally unmarked "flap" is, the one you

have to push on to open the smoke alarm and 

remove the battery - what madness !!!!

[No wonder neighbours call you "that pair of 'noggins' ! - Ed]

What a crazy world we live in !!!!

11:00  The deafening beeping now silenced, Lois and I are now able to enjoy a nice whatsapp video call with our daughter Sarah, husband Francis and their 11-year-old twins Lily and Jessica.

A couple of weeks ago the family arrived in Australia to start a new life over there. Just 2 days ago, they moved into a rental home in the Perth suburb of Eglinton, within a stone's throw of the Indian Ocean. They've only got limited furniture as yet - a table and chairs and a set of blow-up beds, but at least they're in, bless 'em!

Awwwwww !!!!

our daughter Sarah with our granddaughter Jessica...

...and granddaughter Lily

the view from their rental home - the sun

setting behind some local hills or

sand-dunes or something of the sort (?)

The setting sun - awww !!!! Yes, over here it's 11 o'clock in the morning, but over there it's 6 o'clock in the evening, which seems weird.

What a crazy planet we live on !!!!!

But awwwwwww (again) !!!!!

14:00 After a "scratch" lunch, Sheila, Lois's former co-worker from the vicar's care-home, arrives brought from her home in Churchdown, Gloucestershire, by her son Matthew. 

Lois (right) with her former co-worker Sheila:

the pair used to work together at a Cheltenham

care-home for retired Anglican vicars

An enjoyable visit but it's pretty much all 'talk' and nothing much else. Lois and I had anticipated that Sheila would be wanting "the tour" of our house and garden, small though they seem to us, so we spent a lot of time yesterday and this morning, cleaning, tidying, hoovering etc. However, Sheila just sat on our couch the whole time, and she's quite the talker, to put it mildly - my goodness !!!

Also we bought a load of biscuits to offer them, and Lois made some rock cakes. Sheila just had one rock-cake and no biscuits, and her son Matthew said he "never eats cake or biscuits". 

Just our luck!!! Now Lois and I will have to eat them up, which would be nice if we weren't on a diet. Damn !!!!!

It was nice for Lois and Sheila to get together to talk about the old times at the care-home, because, sadly, apart from Iris who lives 100 miles away, over in Bedford, all their other co-workers have "passed on", which is a pity.

the dining room and...

.....the gardens of the care home for retired vicars and their wives

where Lois and Sheila both worked till the early 2000s

flashback to circa 1995: the local retirement home for Anglican vicars,

when female staffers dressed up as schoolgirls for the charity 

"Red Nose Day": Lois is on the far right, wearing one of 

my old Bristol Grammar School ties round her neck: Lois is

the only one left now, of those 6 "schoolgirls", which is sad

flashback to the 1990's: 7:30 am on another charity Red Nose Day 

- Lois dresses up as a footballer for her working day at the care home

Happy days !!!!!

22:00 And how nice it is to go to bed tonight without being annoyed by any unexplained beeps, apart from the beeping under the bedclothes coming from Lois's Huawei, needless to say, but we've got used to that, to put it mildly! 

Lois's Huawei, beeping again the bedclothes

- at least we know what's causing that particular noise haha!

And before we turn over and go to sleep, there's just time to send our twin granddaughters an update on some of the stuffed toys they left behind in England, "to keep Lois and me company", and partly due to lack of space in their shipment crates and hand-luggage.

Rover, seen here with Black-and-White Cat

Buckles the Unicorn with Black-and-White Cat,

on the bed the twins used to sleep in 

when they stayed the weekend with us

Poor Buckles !!!!!!

Awwww !!!!!

[Oh just go to sleep !!!! - Ed]

Zzzzzz!!!!

Saturday September 28th 2024 "Smoke alarms - a handy place to store spare batteries, aren't they!"

Smoke alarms, smoke detectors - they're a bit of a mystery, aren't they, and my medium-to-long-suffering wife Lois and I have never really paid much attention to the shiny new ones we've got, which proudly (and on a daily basis) showcase their "elevated" position on our ceilings. And they've been doing it ever since we moved into this new-build home in Malvern, Worcestershire almost 2 years ago now. But we've never paid the slightest attention to them.

Who knows what's inside those "little buggers", though !!!!

And news stories, too, about smoke alarms and smoke detectors are coming thick and fast these days, aren't they, and it's heart-warming to see all the improvements that those clever "boffins" are making to them on an almost hourly basis, which is nice!

Onion News's local West Worcestershire Desk despite is often criticised locally for "spoofing", or being "frivolous" or "trivial", but give them their due: they're fully "on the ball" when it comes to smoke alarm stories, which is reassuring. 

There were three smoke alarm stories on one day yesterday (!) - did you catch them? 

The biggest local story I can remember that featured smoke detectors, however, was back in the final days of lockdown. Did you happen to see this "doozy", featuring employees in the lovely village of East Leake, from way back in 2021?

But "Why are you telling us all this, Colin?", I hear you cry! [Not me, I'm grabbing a quick "fag" in the break-room, smoke alarms permitting (!) - Ed] 

Well, seeing as how, apart from my so-called "Editor" (!), you're all obviously interested (!) to know the answer, the truth is that one of our smoke detectors downstairs started beeping every 30 seconds in the night last night, which was a bit annoying, but we managed to sleep through it on the whole, I'm proud to say. 

The detector is obviously pleading for a new battery, so it's very much a "cry for help" by one of the little buggers. But the almost-constant beeping is annoying, especially as we're expecting visitors on Sunday, and we don't want to have to chat over the sound of beeping - call us obsessionally-overconsiderate if you like!

We're not too concerned about the fire risk, because this is a shiny new, fully modern house, and there's a smoke alarm on average about every 6 feet, so I don't think we'll be burnt alive in our beds while we try to find out how to change the battery (!).

And changing the battery's not going to be 'rocket science' anyway, we feel sure.

changing the battery in a smoke alarm - not exactly 

rocket science is it (!). And here's a scientist explaining why (!)

Luckily the beeping stops anyway, by the time we go out for our morning walk by the Hereford to Worcester railway line and past the prestigious Malvern College Boarding School, so that's all right (only joking (!)). 

we see the West Midlands Railway Co.'s "Hereford Flyer"

on its way to Hereford from Worcester, signalling that the line

is back in action again after work on the points and signals

me showcasing my jeans-clad legs - it's a bit of a

"brrr!!" day today, and we're both sporting our 

winter coats for the first time this year - brrrrr (again) !!!!!

we pass the entrance to the prestigious coed boarding school,

Malvern College, founded in 1865, and its massive 250-acre campus

in the lee of the wonderful 700-million-year-old Malvern Hills

Yes, the prestigious Malvern College - Lois, who's an expert on almost everything (!), tells me on our walk this morning that it's the school where little C.S. Lewis, author of the Chronicles of Narnia went (he was little as a schoolboy, she adds, but normal size later [You don't say! - Ed].

During World War II, the school was taken over by the Navy and the kids had to "slum it" in Blenheim Palace, Oxfordshire. 

Poor kids !!!!!

Blenheim Palace, Oxfordshire, built between 1705 and 1722 for the 

Duke of Marlborough, the palace where Malvern College pupils

had to "slum it" when their school was taken over by the Navy in 1939

The school has hosted lots of distinguished visitors since its foundation, adds Lois, including the American poet Longfellow in 1868, and in 1870 Prince William of Schleswig-Holstein and his "squeeze", one of Queen Victoria's daughters, Princess Helena, came for the school's annual Speech Day.

Fascinating stuff, isn't it! [If you say so! - Ed]

Well, it's a bit of light relief for Lois and me, because we're spending most of today making our house look "respectable" for the visit tomorrow of one of Lois's old co-workers, Sheila. Both Lois and Sheila  worked at a care home for ex-vicars in Cheltenham, but both women retired in the early 2000s.

Almost all their other co-workers have now "passed on", which is sad, but it'll be nice for Lois and Sheila to get together tomorrow for a chat about "the good old days", that's for sure. 

flashback to circa 1995: the local retirement home for Anglican vicars,

when female staffers dressed up as schoolgirls for the charity 

"Red Nose Day": Lois is on the far right, wearing one of 

my old Bristol Grammar School ties round her neck

flashback to the 1990's: 7:30 am on another charity Red Nose Day 

- Lois dresses up as a footballer for her working day at the care home

It was rumoured, but never documented, that the County Air Ambulance was always "put on standby" during these charity days, in the event of medical emergencies amongst the care-home's dozens of retired vicars.

flashback to February 2022: the Gloucestershire County

Air Ambulance lands in Cheltenham carrying a doctor a

and paramedic to treat an injured footballer and

before ferrying him to Frenchay Hospital, Bristol

The home's retired vicars always looked doddery, but Lois was more than once "grabbed in the laundry room" or "pinned up against a Welsh dresser" by some of the home's more "athletic" churchmen.

What crazy days those were !!!!

Fortunately Lois was always able to defuse these potentially embarrassing "#metoo moments" with a combination of her detailed knowledge of scriptural chapter-and-verse Bible teaching, and her sheer proto-feminist, honest-go-goodness Baby Boomer muscle power.

"You could knock most of 'em down with a feather!", she always used to say.

What a woman I married !!!!

22:00 Tired out by all our cleaning, dusting, hoovering, moving stuff from room to room etc, we go to bed - zzzzzzzz !!!!

Friday September 27th 2024 "Seen any good ghosts lately (?) haha"

Haunted houses are very much the talking-point at the UK's workplace water-heaters at the moment aren't they. Is it the same at YOUR office?

Here in West Worcestershire, it's Spook Manor that's been making the headlines, according to Onion News, as my medium-to-long-suffering wife Lois and I discover this morning when the print edition "plops" through our letterbox, here in Malvern.

"Wow! Scare-EEEEEE !!!!!" is how Lois and I reacted on seeing the paper's front page shocker. And it's obviously not sensible or "adult" to dismiss ghost stories out of hand as "a load of hooey", as we're sometimes tempted to do, that's for sure (!).

[That's enough exclamation marks in brackets (!) - Ed]

And there was a similar story in the Hungarian press this week, specifically the influential Hungarian tabloid Blikk, as Tünde, my Hungarian penfriend, has told me in an email. 

The story reported that, among the standard exhibits at TV presenter Jimmy Fallon's New York "Tonightmares" haunted house attraction - zombies, murderers and wolfmen, viewers caught sight of a creepy man sporting authentic-looking medals, at first thought not to be part of the exhibition, but later identified as the "ghost" of a long-forgotten Prince - Harry, Duke of Sussex. 

Prince Harry, part of the Halloween exhibits at TV Presenter

Jimmy Fallon's New York haunted house,"Tonightmares"

Spooky or what haha!!!!

And surprisingly, our local East Leake story from deepest Worcestershire, also made it into the same influential Hungarian tabloid, although admittedly only on page 95, so not one of today's real "biggies" (!):

Still, with Halloween only about a month away, I guess we're only going to get more and more of these stories, as 'the big day' approaches (!). So keep reading this column for the latest "bombshells" (!).

Back to reality now (!) [Finally! - Ed]

11:00 And when Lois and I drop in at our old "haunt" (no pun intended (!)), the local Poolbrook Kitchen and Coffee Shop, this morning after our walk over Poolbrook Common, ironically it's another of my Hungarian penfriend Tünde's email reports that comes to mind. It starts us laughing all over our toasted tea-cakes, to the great surprise of proprietor Andrew and his other customers (!).

Remember Tünde's "shocker" from earlier this week, all about UK Prime Minister Keir Starmer's classic gaffe about calling for the release of the 'sausages' from Gaza", when he obviously meant to say 'hostages' ?

flashback to yesterday, when news of Starmer's gaffe

hits the headlines in Hungary

Well, here in Malvern this morning, a guy sitting at our table got up, paid his bill and walked out the door without finishing his breakfast, leaving behind, amongst other items, a half-eaten but tempting sausage on his plate. 

This was the moment I shouted out one of my classic "bon mots" to Andrew: "[Once again I call for the] release [of] the sausage!".

the scene at the local Poolbrook Kitchen and Coffee Shop

this morning: a fellow-customer has got up and departed,

leaving 2 grilled tomatoes on his plate, plus a tempting

half-eaten sausage

this was the moment I came out with 

one of my classic "bon mots" (!)

How Lois and I laughed, although generally among the coffee shop customers, my humour fell a bit flat, I have to say (!!!!!). Let's just say reaction was a bit muted haha (!).

My medium-to-long-suffering wife Lois and me, laughing 

over my "bon mot" at the coffee shop this morning, 

although me more than Lois, arguably

Memo to self: I must get myself some new writers!!!!

And talking of 'new writers', there could be one in the family soon, which is exciting, to put it mildly.

In a phone call this afternoon with my younger sister in Ipswich, Jill, she tells me that she's been accepted to take part in a University of Suffolk 'new writers' workshop, concentrating on possible scripts for the short plays to be performed at next April's Ink Festival at Halesworth, Suffolk.

(left to right) my wife Lois, my sister Jill and myself,

walking on Poolbrook Common, Malvern last October

Ten local budding writers from the area have been chosen on the basis of their sample submissions to take part in the get-together. Can Jill make it into the big time, at long last?

Lois and I hadn't heard about this annual Ink Festival before, but I found this old bit of publicity on the web for the 2023 event, which gives some idea of what's involved.

And also today, in another shock phone-call from our daughter Alison in Hampshire, comes the news that Alison's son Isaac (14) gave a speech at the Chinese Embassy, London this week. The speech Isaac gave was in English, although he's currently studying Mandarin at his school in Liphook. 

Young Isaac was chosen from among his 30 Mandarin Course classmates to talk about their recent study trip to Tianjin, which is about 85 miles north-east of  Beijing.

flashback to June 30th, Isaac (front, right, half out of shot)

on the bus to London's Heathrow Airport with classmates

to catch a flight to Beijing, China

the group from Liphook, Hampshire, photographed 

here during their 2 week study trip to China

So with my sister Jill possibly making the break into short play-writing, and our 14-year-old grandson Isaac making speeches at the Chinese Embassy in London, there's no doubt about it, and the message is a clear one. Stick with us because we're the family that's going places  haha!!!

[Not you, though, Colin, haha (!) - Ed]

21:00 We settle down on the couch and go to bed on today's rerun of the 1980's sitcom 'Allo 'Allo, all about the trials and tribulations of French café-owner René in wartime France, as he tries to keep the peace between his main customers, officers from the occupying German Army, and the local French Resistance; while at the same time carrying on with his waitresses Yvette and Maria behind the back of his long-suffering wife Edith.

Tonight's plot seems bizarre even by the crazy standards of this long-running old sitcom, to put it mildly (!). In this scene Michelle of the local French Resistance has some bad news for René and the gang, because Maria, one of the café's two waitresses, has disappeared.

Poor Maria!!!!

Or should I say "Poor Francesca Gonshaw", who played the part of Maria, and who, obviously wanted out of this long-running saga, and who can blame her (!).

But there's an issue here too, isn't there - because when beloved characters leave sitcoms in a hurry, some plausible reason for their disappearance is usually cooked up by the writers. But this is the most bizarre "reason" that, arguably, Lois and I have come across in our outstanding record of 70-plus years of TV watching in the UK and the US.

Are we right? Or are we right?

[Oh just go to bed, you pair of "noggins"! - Ed]

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzz!!!!