Dear Friends-of-this-Column, at least those of you who also identify either as straight men or gay women or bi or identify as anything at all really, come to that haha!
May I ask you a rather personal question? I know it's a bit early in the morning (!), but here's the thing..... have YOU ever met a so-called "loose woman" in "these here parts", as people say in "these here parts". i.e. in West Worcestershire ???? (!)
It's not that easy to meet one round here, as notorious young local Bell End scallywag Jon Brigstock has already found out, at the tender age of 16, is it?
Yes, those "loose women leaning lasciviously over the bonnet of a sports car" - you see them everywhere in hot-rod magazines, don't you, but not so much on Bell End High Street. that's for sure!
It's one of the many fantasies that my medium-to-long-suffering wife Lois and I often talk about, but never carry out, as as we're both 78, it's getting harder and harder just to mount a sports-car bonnet, let alone drape ourselves over it - yes, we're both lamentably unfit, as I expect you've guessed.
We simply must start those exercises again, you know, those "mounting" and "draping" ones, that, in particular, threaten to become so problematic at our advanced age!
flashback to January 2011: Lois "shows a bit of leg" but
thinks twice about draping herself over the bonnet of
our son-in-law Francis's yellow Porsche
flashback to July 2023, and it's already
painfully clear that our days of mounting
car-bonnets and draping ourselves over them,
and goodness knows what else (!)
are long gone - let's face facts!
we drop by the Morgan Car Company showroom
and museum today on our daily walk, and reluctantly
decide not to drape ourselves over the shiny bonnets
- call us wimps if you like haha!
we gaze nostalgically at the playground where we
used to take our 11-year-old twin granddaughters
Lily and Jessica, before they flew off to Australia
to start a new life with our daughter Sarah
and Sarah's husband, Francis.
flashback to May 2023: Lois and I visit the playground
in the lee of the 700-million-year-old Malvern Hills,
with our daughter Sarah and our twin granddaughters
- happy days !!!!!
At least we've started on our diet now, which could mean it'll be easier to "mount bonnets" or "mount anything else (!), in future, come to that (!). And after yesterday's walk on Poolbrook Common we dropped by the Poolbrook Kitchen and Coffee Shop, and shared a toasted tea cake (with jam but no butter) instead of our normal big slice (each!!!!!) of coffee cake or similar.
flashback to yesterday at the Poolbrook Kitchen and Coffee Shop:
first outing for our new "austerity" diet: no cake, just sharing
a toasted tea-cake with jam but with no butter - yikes!
later Lois makes some rock-cakes, but they're her special
"scones for swinging slimmers", with only
a third of an ounce in butter in each one (9.5g)
[I'm not going to hold my breath! - Ed]
11:00 We men, we're altogether pretty useless as specimens aren't we. And we're always saying the wrong thing, to put it mildly!
And news of Prime Minister Keir Starmer's latest verbal gaffe about "calling for the return of the sausages from Gaza" when he meant "return of the hostages", has even hit the headlines in faraway Hungary, would you believe (!) - as Tünde, my Hungarian pen-friend has pointed out to me, according to this newsflash from the influential Hungarian news website 444. hu .
21:00 Nora Batty, the aggressive-old-widow character in the world's longest-running sitcom, "Last of the Summer Wine" knows what men are good for, as Lois and I find out in tonight's re-run of an old episode from he 1980's.
In this scene, Nora's would-be suitor and next-door neighbour, Alvin, finds out what she thinks about the less-gentle sex: apparently she has never found any man attractive...
But tremendous fun, isn't it!!!
[Oh, just go to bed! - Ed]
22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzz!!!!!
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