Dear reader, if you're in a relationship, did you know that the people around you may be "judging" whether your relationship is "sailing through stormy waters" just at the moment, even if it's only a temporary 'upset'?
It was all over the Onion News print edition this morning, wasn't it - if you live in West Worcestershire, that is, which a lot of us do (!) [What's your evidence for that, Colin? - Ed]
And it's something you could never say about me and my medium-to-long-suffering wife Lois and me, simply because we never prepare food together. I'm a bit of a "no-hoper" in the kitchen, and mainly just do the washing-up. If forced, I can produce one of my handful of "signature dishes" - my "poached egg surprise" has been hugely praised: mainly by myself (!), but who knows? It may eventually get the fuller recognition it perhaps deserves. We live in hope (!).
flashback to April 2022 - I delight Lois with one of
my 5 "signature dishes" - and this one's a real doozy:
my 'Poached Egg Surprise', hugely praised (by me (!))
One thing people DO call us, however, is QUOTE "you two noggins" UNQUOTE, and I sometimes wonder whether it's always meant in a kindly way (!). People "in these here parts" tend to do this, don't they. And you've probably already guessed that I'm referring to that comic local couple, the Holts from nearby East Leake. Am I right? Or am I right?
But it's comedy gold, isn't it, and living proof that you don't have to have a team of scriptwriters and fancy so-called "production staff " to bring the house down, in East Leake, at any rate. Some would say that it doesn't take much to cause a stir in East Leake, but I'm got to let that one slide for now (!).
typical East Leake local headlines (acknowledgements
to the East Leake Mercury, the East Leake Telegraph
and the East Leake Evening Post)
I'm not sure that Lois and I have the Holts' talent, but we do our best, honest!
At the moment we're on this most almighty "sudden diet" jag, where we're suddenly, out-of-nowhere, competing with each other to lose weight. The jag's been going for approximately one day, but when we drop in at the local Poolbrook Kitchen and Coffee Shop this afternoon, I can see that we're already competing with each other to have slightly less jam on our scones than the other one - which could turn into a hilarious sketch if we can work on it a bit! [Don't bother! - Ed]
Earlier this morning we found out on our shiny new bathroom scales from Argos, that, at the start of Day Two of our "jag", I have lost 4 ounces (113g) since yesterday, while Lois has lost a whopping 1 lb 8 oz (680g), although later I re-read the instructions, and I don't think we're using the scales properly as per the instructions, so watch this space for more accurate numbers tomorrow [I don't think I'll hold my breath! - Ed].
Only Day Two of our "Sudden Diet Jag", and already we're
competing to have less jam on our scones than our 'rival' (!)
As part of our new policy we've given up 4 o'clock slice of cake in favour of bread and honey (no butter or marge), which looks like a good bet, especially in view of the report we read a couple of days ago, saying that there was "no such thing as safe cake", which is worrying.
So far, my BMI (body mass index) looks promising, but the killer will come when I get Lois to help me measure my waistline, which is probably where the problem is going to lie, maybe for both of us, but we'll see.
flashback to yesterday: I showcase our new
"healthy living style" honey-on-bread policy
[That's enough dieting! - Ed]
21:00 We go to bed on yesterday's episode of the Australian sitcom "Colin From Accounts".
You know, it's the one where Gordon is at home, cooking a special slow-cooking brisket meal, and waiting for his partner Ashley to come home from the Sydney hospital where she works. She rings and says she'll be home in about 20 minutes, but after a couple of hours Gordon is still waiting.
Where has Ashley got to? And she's not answering her phone. One of Gordon's pals says he thinks Ashely's at a party being thrown tonight by James, Ashley's ex, so Gordon goes along there to see if he can find her.
It turns out to be a sex party, which is a bit worrying, to put it mildly. Gordon decides to confront Ashley's ex, the party's host, who's sitting on a couch with his new "squeeze".
Could the explanation be that, like me, Gordon doesn't do much of the cooking and leaves it to Ashley - maybe brisket is the only meal "Gordo" can do (?). Is it maybe Gordo's version of my critically-acclaimed (by me) signature dish, my "Poached Egg Surprise"? I think I should be told!
However, there's a more fundamental issue here, isn't there. Is James's party a sex-party?
Lois and I aren't sure - a lot of people are wandering about with not many clothes on, it's true, but on the other hand, the 'porn' being shown on the big screen in the party room is only featuring - like - monkeys elephants and rhinos etc, so maybe it's just a David Attenborough documentary (?). Let me have your "take" on this, won't you, if you've got the time (!).
Lois and I aren't sure. We've never been to a sex-party, and at 78, our chances of being invited to one now are probably reducing, and fast (!). I famously first "caught Lois's eye" at a party, but I'm pretty sure there was no sex going on at the time. In fact I was playing an 18th century sea-shanty on my autoharp when she first "noticed" me - and I'm pretty sure it's against sex-party etiquette to suddenly bring out an autoharp, isn't it? Am I right? Or am I right?
Again, your views welcome!
"Gordo" and Ashley were first brought together not by a sea-shanty but by a handicapped dog, Colin, and it's always heart-warming to see Colin on his wheels in this sitcom, although these days Colin's appearances have been reduced to little more than the occasional "cameo".
Here in this scene, "Gordo" nips home to comfort little Colin, who's obviously missing Ashley too.
As it happens, Lois and I are looking after a handicapped dog too, called "Rover" - not a real dog, he's just a stuffed toy, but very lifelike. And he sleeps in one of our two guest-bedrooms with his bosom-pal Buckles the Unicorn.
We're just "looking after" Rover and Buckles on behalf of our 11-year-old twin granddaughters Lily and Jessica in faraway Australia - the girls tried to get them into their hand-luggage when they last boarded their Perth-bound flight at Heathrow Airport, but they proved to be "too bulky" in the words of Customs Officers. Oh dear!
Handicapped "rascal" Rover (right) pictured here
in conversation with bosom pal Buckles
the Unicorn, in one of our guest bedrooms.
On the plus side, however, mine and Lois's 'stewardship' of Rover and Buckles has provided us with a brand new hobby - designing "tableaux" to photograph and send to our granddaughters to reassure them that they're being well looked-after.
flashback to a week ago: Rover (left) and Buckles,
watching an episode of "Colin From Accounts", their favourite show
I showcase this realistic picture of Rover
waiting to be taken out for his morning "walkies"
I don't want to take unfair advantage of your generosity, dear Readers, but would it be too much for you to suggest other 'tableau' ideas? Postcards only!
[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]
22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzz!!!!
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