Can I ask you, dear Reader, another rather personal question? Do you ever 'throw' dinner parties at your home, maybe inviting friends who don't live a million miles away from you, literally (!) ?
If so, and if you live in our area, West Worcestershire - or even if you don't (!) - you'll have been riveted by local dinner-party king Brian Aldrich and his helpful hints for throwing dinner parties, all laid out in black and white in this morning's print-edition from the Onion News West Worcestershire Desk. Am I right? Or am I right (!).
Brian's never one to say in 10 words what he can say in 100 or even 200 words, is he (!). And I say that as one of his closest friends (but don't tell Brian I said that!). So I don't think I'm doing him any disfavours by "boiling down" his remarks to his 3 key points, just for my medium-to-long-suffering blog-readers!
And it's worth always keeping "Brian's Rulebook" to hand, when planning your next little "soirée", because so much can go wrong at these affairs, can't it, and some of the resultant little "dinner party disasters" can come back to haunt you in later years - take it from Yours Truly (!). See this recent story from the lovely Worcestershire village of LickeyEnd:
Oops! Not a great idea for a dinner party conversation topic, was it! And I'm almost tempted to add "Don't talk about your couples therapy" to good old local expert Brian Aldrich's "Rulebook", almost as a "Rule 4", just to be on the safe side. Incidentally Brian's "magnum opus", elucidated in his trademark manner, and expanded to a handy 500 pages in tiny font, is due out this autumn, self-published by Lickey End Books. So watch this space!
At least, however, Brian's Rules give me and my medium-to-long-suffering wife Lois something to laugh about on our daily walk this morning, this time along the Worcester to Hereford (and vice versa!) railway line, the section next to Polly's Orchard.
flashback to this morning: my medium-to-long-suffering wife
Lois and I walk through Polly's Orchard and keep our
occasional daily rendezvous with the passing 10:40am
Great Western Railway (GWR) 'Hereford to Worcester Flyer'
And by way of coincidence, our walk inspires us to add yet another dinner-party rule to the "pot", and one that I'm tempted to call "Colin's Rule" because it's another thing my old Lickey End pal Brian has unaccountably left out of his "oeuvre" (!).
Colin's Rule 5 is this: don't invite guests who are likely to have dog-poo on the bottom of their shoes (!!!!). It's a real buzzkill, isn't it, because it kind of "hangs around" not just ruining the evening but probably most of the following week (!).
I'm inspired to add this new rule because, on our walk this morning, we happen to bump into the local character knowns as "Dog-poo Guy" or "Dog-poo Vigilante", from his purposeful "neutralising" of any dog-poo in the orchard: his method being to cover up any unwelcome "deposits" with little heaps of grass-cuttings. Today, for the first time, we have an actual conversation with him, and he shows us also one of his key-accessories: his little stick for "batting" unwanted dog-poo into the bushes.
"Yes Dog-poo Guy, we get the picture!", we think to ourselves, and, in fact, Lois and I can smell the guy's poo-affected trainers more than we really want to this morning, which is a bit of a buzzkill in itself, to put it mildly!
a typical "dog-poo vigilante", here staking out a
popular walk through a wooded area of the local countryside
Be sure to remind Lois and me not to invite "Dog-poo Guy", next time we plan our neighbourhood dinner-party, won't you!
19:30 And dinner-party "issues" rear their ugly heads again this evening, would you believe, as Lois and I settle down on the couch to watch the third and final programme in the new celebrity weekend city travelogue series, presented by one of Margaret Thatcher's former Cabinet Ministers, Michael Portillo.
In this programme Michael is spending the weekend in the Swedish capital, Stockholm.
It's one of the world's largest tables, nearly 150ft long (45m), and in tonight's programme we see it all nicely set out for the imminent arrival of French President Macron the following evening. A record 170 places have been set, and guests will be served by 42 footmen and also Kort, the Royal Steward, who'll be armed with a ceremonial sword, in case of emergency.
Yes, for Macron's visit, a record 170 place-settings have been laid on this enormous table. However, not all the place-settings are alike, we are told. Apparently, the Swedish royals all have their napkins folded in a different way from all the other guests, for example.
However, do these napkins look nice? Because that, surely, must be part of the idea of them.
Well, Lois has got news for YOU, Swedish Royals! "What's that news, Lois?", I hear you cry! [Not me, I lost interest several 'column inches' ago! - Ed]
What do you think of THAT, Swedish Royals (!). I think we should be told, don't you? British Ambassador in Stockholm please note haha!
What madness!
the table in the Palace Banqueting Hall, with Kort,
the sword-wielding Royal Steward, standing on the right
However, do these napkins look nice? Because that, surely, must be part of the idea of them.
Our verdict? "A bit messy!" - they look to us as if someone has just scrunched them up and dumped them, any old how, by the royal plates.
What madness (again) !!!
Apparently all the royal place-settings also include a ceremonial egg-cup. This is because, traditionally, if royal guests thought that their food might have been poisoned, they asked for a boiled egg, thought to be "unpoisonable".
Well, Lois has got news for YOU, Swedish Royals! "What's that news, Lois?", I hear you cry! [Not me, I lost interest several 'column inches' ago! - Ed]
If you care to browse British crime-writer Dorothy L Sayer's first 'Lord Peter Wimsey novel', title "Strong Poison" - (the clue's in the title (!)) - the murderer carefully etched a tiny tiny scratch into an eggshell and, in stages, loaded the egg concerned with arsenic, till it became a lethal murder weapon, completely undetectable to the casual observer.
Dorothy L Sayer's first "Lord Peter Wimsey" novel, where
the victim is killed by a boiled egg laced with arsenic.
Yikes !!!!
By the way, if we've invited YOU to one of our neighbourhood dinner parties, don't be concerned. Indeed, we guarantee, here and now, with ourselves as witnesses, not to poison you. In fact this "no poison" advisory could make a useful Rule 6 addition to the Colin's Rules for Throwing Dinner Parties book-idea, an oeuvre that's already beginning to form, at least in summary form, in my head.
Watch this space!
[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]
22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzz!!!!!
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