Danskcolin: Monday November 10th 2024 " 'Tidy locker, tidy mind' as my old schoolteacher Mr Stanley 'Stan' Martin used to say!"

If you like embarrassing questions, here's a real "doozy" for you, friends. And here's the thing - is YOUR house what people nowadays call "cluttered"? Saying "Yes", are we? Well, I think most of us would say that, at this time of year especially (!).

And some of that "clutter" is even affecting our government's efficiency, would you believe, as this story this morning in Onion News National proves more than 10 time over, to put it mildly! [How did you arrive at that figure or precisely '10', Colin? Just asking! - Ed]

It's a timely story for me and my medium-to-long-suffering wife Lois this morning, because we're trying desperately again today to remove every single ounce of clutter in our house - it's worse than that notorious clutter in the Home Office, we believe, "weighing in" at approximately 20 st 9 lbs (289 lbs or 131 kg) according to our latest "scientific" (!) estimates !!!!

Just look at our bedrooms in these pictures below, in their weirdly "decluttered" state today, after a load of work by the both of us.

And these are just the "after" pictures, I'm too embarrassed to show you most of the "before pictures", especially of our master bedroom with all the weird things that often hang over our headboard, to put it mildly (!). If you've ever been in our bedroom, as most of you have at one time or another, I'll just say, that in its shiny new state you're not even going to recognise it!"

our 3 bedrooms as they look today, in their weirdly "decluttered" state (!)

And our feverish "decluttering" activity this morning is all because we're planning to move from our new-build home here in Malvern, Worcestershire, to a house nearer our daughter Alison and her family in Hampshire. As part of that "process", today we're getting the first of 3 property appraisal visits from representatives of local estate-agents. who will be coming to value our house, before we choose one of them to put it on the market. Yikes !!!!

'Jess' comes to see us today, 'Dawn' is coming up tomorrow (no pun intended!!!!), and 'Richard' will be visiting us on Friday. So watch this space!

my medium-to-long-suffering wife Lois (left) showcasing the

brochure that local estate agent appraiser Jess (right)

leaves with us after her visit this afternoon.

And needless to say, in our newly "decluttered" house, with all our most useful possessions hidden randomly away in drawers, cupboards, wardrobes, the garden shed and the boot of our car, we can't now find any of thes most vital possessions when we need them. What madness!!!!

Here's another story, from today's Onion News (local) edition this time, from the lovely village of Upton Snodsbury, right here in rural West Worcestershire...see page 94 of the print edition, if your thumb is strong enough to reach it (!)....

Fascinating stuff! And luckily, thanks to Onion News' hard-working local journalists, all recorded for posterity, and - dare I say it - wouldn't it make a riveting Channel 4 documentary, narrated by McCormick himself maybe (?), a programme sure to warm the cockles of viewers' hearts on one of the coming winter's dark, cold evenings?

Channel 4 bosses, please note haha !!!!!

16:00 Lois and I get pretty tired today, however, exhausted by all our decluttering activities, so it gives us a welcome lift when an email comes bouncing in from Steve, our American brother-in-law, with a set of those amusing Venn diagrams that he monitors on our behalf on the internet.

"Watching a sex scene with your parents" - well, that's not one to trouble Lois and me, at our advanced age, to put it mildly! However, watching with your children can be just as embarrassing and never-ending also, that's for sure. It doesn't do to mix generations with this kind of film, does it.

And talking point - could a new warning message "Not to be watched except in groups of a similar age" be added to the numerous scary "health warnings" that disfigure the TV listings of "saucy films"?

I wonder....!

TV bosses, please note!!!!

Saucy films, not to mention "off-colour" conversations in general, they just don't cross generational boundaries well, do they. See this other big story from today's Onion News local:

[That's enough Onion News stories! - Ed]

21:00 We go to bed on tonight's edition of the TV quiz show, Only Connect, which tests lateral thinking.

And it's a shame to have to say this, but Lois and I, at our advanced age, are now beginning to struggle with the questions on this show - which for decades has traditionally been one of our favourite TV quizzes of the week.

"What's the cause of your discomfort during this show, Colin and Lois?" I hear you cry. [Not me! - Ed]

Well seeing as how you're obviously curious to know (!), it's simply because we're no longer "up to speed" on today's popular culture: books, films, celebrities etc. We always say, for example, that "celebrity" editions of game shows etc are just the same as the ordinary editions to us, because we have no idea who the so-called celebrities are. We've recently become "the wrong demographic" for watching the show, it seems.

What a madness it all is, isn't it !!!!

Occasionally there's a question on the show that we can do, like this "doozy". Can YOU see the link between these 4 "things", I wonder?

It's sheer luck, though, that Lois and I are old enough to remember about Soviet President Nikita Khruschev and his pronouncements, plus those of acclaimed scientist Albert Einstein, and the King Kong film, even. However, we've never heard of André the Giant.

Have you worked out the answer yet? Yes, of course! These things were all described as "Eighth Wonders of the World" - remember it now, do we? And André the Giant turns out to have been a very large wrestler, 7' 4" tall and weighing 37 stone, as presenter Victoria Coren-Mitchell explains:

André the Giant (centre) with some of his adoring fan base

Lois and I are even getting too old for some of the "banter" on the show, these days. Here's some of the chat surrounding the third row of the connecting wall: