Danskcolin: Saturday November 16th 2024 "Did you read about old Bob in the paper this morning (!) ???"

Did you see that fascinating story about old Bob in today's Onion News (West Worcestershire)? And I don't mean "Bob-Next-Door", or even "Bob-down-the-road, by the way (!).

This is a "Bob" who really was "Old Bob", or even "Old-to-Very-Old Bob", because he lived literally yonks ago, to put it mildly!!!

The story excites me and I start giving the details to my medium-to-long-suffering wife Lois when we climb into bed for "nap-time" this afternoon. But then she cautions me to check first whether the story comes from the newspaper's "Leave Time For A Smile" column, which is dedicated to light-hearted "spoofs" of actual real news stories.

I look later and I find she's right.

Damn - those guys have "spoofed" me again!!!! Why am I so gullible???? [It's just your generous nature, Colin. You're perhaps sometimes too ready to believe the best of people - it's time to 'wise up' and 'get real' now, at your age before it's too late (!), that's for sure! - Ed]

Luckily there are plenty of real news stories to keep us laughing this afternoon. And we're not in bed for 5 minutes before Lois's Huawei starts "beeping" like nobody's business, and soon my "Samsung" is joining in the fun, let me tell YOU!

we're not in bed for 5 minutes this afternoon before Lois's Huawei

starts beeping, and minutes later my Samsung is joining in the fun.

Early humans and chimpanzees may never have had a friend called Bob, but is it true that monkeys would eventually type out at random all the works of Shakespeare if given enough time, as people often say?

It doesn't sound very likely, does it (!). And now scientists have proved that it's in fact never going to happen.

the full story on monkeys and Shakespeare in this week's The Week magazine

Maybe, however, somebody should look at what these monkeys are typing - some of their playwriting activity, even if not actual Shakespeare, could be West End standard none the less, and maybe some impresario would be willing to take a chance on one of these budding writers, or even make a musical out of their 'efforts' ? At least let, say, Andrew Lloyd-Webber give the a quick "once-over" - don't just put them in the bin without a glance, that's what we say!

Critically acclaimed impresario Andrew Lloyd-Webber

- could he make a musical out of a monkey's random typing?

Also, in today's "real" news, it's nice to hear that we "boomers" have got an advantage of all those younger guys and gals when it comes to dieting, particularly when it comes to avoiding sugary food. This resonates with Lois and me at the moment because we're both trying to keep our weight down.

We were both born in 1946, when food rationing was still in place in the UK. It in fact lasted for a full 8 years after the end of World War II, and we both have memories of seeing Ration Books lying around in our respective houses when we were toddlers.

flashback to the late 1940's: us in the "Ration Book Years" -

(left) me with my little sister Kathy, and (right) Lois in the garden

of her parents' "prefab" - the prefabricated housing extensively

used as a quick solution to the housing shortage after World War II

So the mood is generally celebratory in bed for us this afternoon - we've had a nice walk over Poolbrook Common this morning, in the lee of the lovely 700-million-year-old Malvern Hills. It's a pity in some ways that we're going to be leaving this area in the next few months, but at least we'll be moving to an area just as lovely, although in different ways.

We've decided to move nearer our daughter Alison and her family in Hampshire, and we've made an offer on a house in the area. There's been a slight hiccup with the surveyor's report on the house - the roof of the car-port will need replacing, and there is probably asbestos around, as it was built late 1960's early 1970's. At the moment, however, we're not seeing that as a deal-breaker, so fingers crossed.

the house we're planning to buy in Hampshire

the one with the dodgy roof over the car-port (ringed)

16:00 We struggle out of bed and relax on the couch with the puzzles in the coming week's Radio Times, and for the second week running we score the maximum 10 out of 10 on the prestigious Egghead section.

See how many of these "doozies" YOU know haha!

20:00 We go to bed on the first of a new series on Channel 4 all about comedian Lenny Henry's "comedy legends", this first programme being about fellow-comedian Paul Whitehouse.

Lois and I have been looking forward to this programme all week, but I think it's fair to say that we've both a bit disappointed, as we often are with these "comedy nostalgia" shows. There's far too much mutual back-slapping ("You were marvellous in that, darling!", or "You were so funny in that, darling!", you know the kind of thing). And there's always too much analysis - after all, if it's funny, it's funny, if it isn't it isn't, and that's all there is to say about it, we think!

Above all there aren't nearly enough whole comedy scenes - it tends to be just "sound bites". We're guessing that it's cheaper for the networks that way - less to pay in copyright fees, and all that malarkey perhaps?

It's nice, however, to see Paul Whitehouse reminiscing to his pal Lenny Henry about the creation of "Michael Payne", spiritual leader of Britain's thousands of "nosey neighbours", and one of mine and Lois's big heroes too, no doubt about that.

flashback to a few years ago: Lois "doing a Michael Paine"

one early morning at the bedroom window of our former house

in Cheltenham, as, still in our nightwear, we monitor the suspicious delivery of

building materials to one of our near-neighbours across the road

The Michael Paine character on the show was, of course, based on Cockney film-star Michael Caine. And although Paul had always done impressions of Michael Caine's voice, here Paul gives credit to his pal Harry Enfield, for thinking of the "nosey neighbour" idea for his programme "Harry Enfield and Chums".