Danskcolin: Friday November 15th 2024 "Do YOU want to lose weight but don't know where to start???!!!"

Friends, have YOU ever had a deep desire to lose weight or become fit, but not known exactly where to start with your "journey", as people say nowadays? Most of us have, haven't we. And today, that ideal "starting-point" has suddenly become obvious, if you "thumb through" to p.94 in your Onion News West Worcestershire (print edition). And if you don't live in West Worcestershire, just "drop me a line" and I'll see what I can do - no promises naturally (!).

[Don't believe him, readers - Colin won't react: he's just another lazy 'sod', at best ! - Ed]

Yes, modern technology has the answer, people! And I'm talking about the latest piece of kit fromm Fitbit in San Francisco - the whizzy new 'exercise monitor' that Fitbit has unveiled today. 'Onion News WW' has more....

And remember - the rest of your life starts today. And it's very timely news for my medium-to-long-suffering wife Lois, who's trying to lose weight and get fit herself - how lucky is that !!!!!

So friends, order YOUR "Fitbit Alta" today, and remember, I'm not even getting paid for telling you that (!). - my "influencer" days are over now - I just don't have the time for all that malarkey now!!!

Yes, it's been another typically busy morning for Lois and me where we live, here in Malvern, Worcestershire. So busy, you would not believe!!!!

us on our morning walk today, past the heavily-guarded premises

of the hush-hush Malvern Science Park, where the UK's defences

against cyber attack are being strengthened, all in the lee

of the lovely 700-million-year-old Malvern Hills

Busy, busy, busy !!!!

Lois has her first video chat on her phone with her new health-and-fitness coach Caroline for starters. And also this morning, as we're currently planning to move house from Malvern to Liphook, Hampshire in the next couple of months, we get (1) a visit from the third and last of the local estate agents we've picked to come and appraise the value of our property here in Malvern, PLUS... (2) the first verbal report, by phone, from the property surveyor who's been looking this morning at the property we're hoping to buy in Liphook.

Busy busy busy!!!!! [You've done that one already, Colin. Just saying (!) - Ed]

On this morning's video chat, Lois's fitness coach Caroline, from the NHS sub-contractor, the Anglo-Danish "Liva Healthcare" company, says she's very impressed with the progress Lois has made so far: especially the weight she's lost already - losing half a stone (7 lbs) in the last 6 weeks, compared to my "paltry" 4 lbs. And she cheers Lois by admiring the diet changes that Lois has already introduced on our behalf (!) - cutting out sugary, salty, fatty food - and reassuring her that she doesn't have to completely give up her beloved potatoes, which I can tell has given Lois a real 'lift'.

the Anglo-Danish health and fitness coach-providers Liva Healthcare,

which employs Lois's new fitness counsellor Caroline

"But can you and Lois afford the new "Fitbit Alta" (see Onion News headline above) ?", I hear you cry. [Not me, I'm not "bothered"! Do I look like I'm "bothered" - hahaha !!!!!! - Ed]

Well, seeing as how you're so curious to know (!), the answer is that we're not sure yet. So we opt instead for the "cheapo" alternative on Ebay, which will hopefully arrive all the way from China (!), and "plop" through our letter-box some time next week, if there's a following wind (!!!!).

And Lois already has her target number of steps walked per day noted down - I can't quite remember what it is: it might be 4000 steps a day or some such nonsense (!). And with our shiny new Chinese pedometer due to arrive next week, just watch this space! [I can't wait (!) - Ed]

14:00 So all in all we feel very pleased with ourselves, and the mood is celebratory as we climb the stairs to spend our usual 'Saturday afternoon in bed'. Well, we've earned it!! [You lazy sods, Colin (!) - Ed]

20:00 All in all it's been a good day, and later, relaxing on the couch after an "easy dinner" - tinned minced beef and baked potato, we decide to go to bed on this 5-star, would you believe (!) sex-and-drugs "shocker" from Scandinavia: "The Worst Person in the World", starring the charismatic Norwegian actress, Renate Reinsve.

And guess what - the film resonates strongly with Lois and me, as you''ll see later (!).

The focus of the film, young Julia from Oslo, played by Renate Reinsve, is the sort of woman who never finishes anything, and when the going gets tough, she "moves on" to something else. I think we're all a bit like that anyway, aren't we, but Julia is like that in spades. At college she switched degree courses three times: medicine, then psychology, and finally photography.

Julia, the focus of the film, a young woman who "never finishes anything",

played by charismatic Norwegian actress Renate Reinsve

Now, in her adult life, Julia keeps two men on the go at the same time, going back to other one when one she's with does something she doesn't like, the two men being (1) the cartoonist Aksel, an older man, and (2) Eivind, a man more Julia's own age, who's a shop assistant, I think - something of the sort. Both men have wives or had them, but the wives seem to be out of the picture now mainly.

Julia, "getting busy" with married cartoonist, Aksel - yikes!

The men's wives are still hovering in the background, however. And of the two men, it's Eivind who has the weirder wife, Sunniva.

Sunniva used to like camping holidays with Eivind in the frozen north, where, in a flashback, we see her leaving poor Eivind on his own in their tent in their double sleeping-bag, while she pops out to stroke a passing reindeer, as you do (!):

What madness !!!!!

And we learn also, that the crazy Sunniva did some family history research and - guess what - she found out that she was 3% Sami.

This discovery led Sunniva to adopt an "indigenous" outlook on life, which wasn't much fun for her poor husband, Eivind, to put it mildly.

I think all this kind of took all the fun out of the marriage from her husband Eivind's point of view. Less sex, and more exercise, and more 'sustainable' food-shopping, you know the kind of thing (!).

Poor Eivind !!!! And the fun suddenly vanished from the couple's days together, both on the couch and in bed.

Eventually Einar left Sunniva and took up with Julia. But Julia finds, to her annoyance, that Eivind still "follows" Sunniva on social media.

What a crazy world they live in, up in Norway, don't they.

But there are lessons a-plenty in the film for Lois and me, that's for sure.

Lesson no. 1 is forget about all that so-called "Western guilt", and above all don't let the keeping fit and the healthy food shopping take the fun out of life.

"But what's Lesson no. 2, Colin?", I hear you cry. [Again, not me! - Ed]

Well, it resonates with me that Eivind's wife Sunniva sends off a DNA sample and finds out that she's 3% Sami. My sister Jill sent a DNA sample away to a family history website and found out that she, and by implication also I, are 2% Norwegian.

And the lesson from all this? Well, it's obviously, don't try and take a Norwegian stance on the world. So the following meal choices, for example, will definitely be "off the menu" - that's for sure!