Friends, I want you to "come clean" with me today. And here's the thing I want to know - are YOU a lawyer?
Most of us are, aren't we - although my medium-to-long-suffering wife Lois and I are, happily, exceptions to that rule (!). Lois is a retired county librarian. And I'm just a simple retired medium-to-top-secret agent (DS grade: deskwork specialist), just waiting for the UK Government to call me back into the office to save the country - it hasn't happened yet after 18 years of retirement, but watch this space(!), it's probably only a matter of time (!).
us - two 'old codgers' - on our daily walk this morning, in the lee
of the lovely 700-million-year-old Malvern Hills, Worcestershire:
my medium-to-long-suffering wife Lois, a retired county librarian,
and me, a retired medium-to-top secret agent, just waiting
for our country's call to "save the realm from a very present,
if not totally, like, mortal danger" (!), as my contract stipulates (!)
Why hasn't the Government called me back in, not even once, in 18 years? Well, they're simply waiting for when "the realm" is, like, not just in danger, but, like, in really bad peril. They don't want to exhaust me before the real "balloon goes up" - that's what I believe, at any rate! But my time will come around eventually, if only by the law of averages (!!!) - and if you're a lawyer you'll know that that's a law that was passed a very long time ago (!!!!).
[That's enough exclamation marks in brackets (!) - Ed]
If, however, you ARE one of the UK's many top lawyers, I have to salute you. It's a dangerous job these days isn't it, to put it mildly! Only this morning I read this horrifying story in the local Onion News (West Worcestershire) print edition. Did YOU catch this "doozy" of a scare-story from the lovely local village of Nob End?
Poor Gillian !!!! And even more so "Poor Pete" the divorce lawyer !!!! And it gives my wife Lois and me pause for thought this morning as we wade through some of the long-winded reports that our own lawyer has drawn up for us.
We're planning to move in the next couple of months from our lovely new-build home in Malvern to a newish old-build home in Liphook, Hampshire, to be near our daughter Alison and family, and our lawyer has been giving the house a thorough, if long-winded, legal check.
flashback to October 30th: we view the house we want in Liphook, Hampshire,
in the company of our elder daughter Alison, who lives with her family in nearby Headley
It's a bit mad, but these days you actually need a lawyer to tell you whether the house you want is "okay to buy", and today Lois and I are wading through, not just a 75-page report from a property surveyor, but also a report from our solicitors, and masses of other "bumph" (!).
What madness !!!!!
the 75-page report from the surveyor plus about 100 other
pages of solicitor "bumph" about the house we want to buy
- what madness !!!
Does the house actually exist? Well, yes, Lois and I have walked round it, so "check" "yes" to that one.
But does the road that the house "fronts on to" actually exist? Well, surprisingly, on that one, the jury's still out. Because the road, astonishingly isn't on any map of the town that Lois and I have been given, even though the houses were built more than 50 years ago.
our town map of Liphook doesn't show the street our
house fronts on to - what madness!
And if the road doesn't officially "exist", who will mend it if it needs mending? Let's hope it's not the residents, to put it mildly! My skills as a road-mender are pretty poor-to-basic, although I can vaguely remember putting Lego road-plates together as a boy. Will that be enough?
(left) the visibly bad repairs that the road has obviously been subjected to already,
and (centre, right) the limits of my own woefully inadequate road-repairing skills.
Our solicitor is trying to get an answer on whether the local town council has "adopted" the road, also referred to as "the cul-de-sac", and on whether the town has taken on responsibility for repairing it. However no answer has yet been forthcoming, as of today.
What a crazy world we live in !!!!!
Does the road exist? Or doesn't it exist? Does it exist even when Lois and I are not actually standing on it, or when we can't see it due to fog for example? I think we should be told, don't you. If YOU know, then drop me a line (postcards only!).
Let's hope the road is not a so-called "phantom" road, like those "phantom trains" that people keep talking about, and see in nightmares and horror films and suchlike.
typical "phantom trains" that many people see
in nightmares or horror films
Lois and I often take our daily "old codger" walks up by the Worcester-to-Hereford railway line and we sometimes see the legendary "Worcester-to-Hereford Flyer" - it seems to be a proper train, but who knows: it's hard to tell whether there are any real passengers on it, because of the darkened windows.
I wonder.....!
"Phantom trains" are certainly becoming a bit of a "thing" these days, particularly "in these here parts", as people say "in these here parts" (!).
And typical for Worcestershire, local people have even began complaining whenever some of these "phantom trains" don't appear on schedule. There was one such story just the other day - did you catch it?
But who cares, when it comes to it. Phantom passengers don't really need to "get there on time", do they. The world's not going to come to an end is it, surely !!!! Be fair !!!!!
Local train companies have apologised for the delays, but they seem to be running out of excuses. After all they can't blame it on staff shortages, can they. Phantom trains famously don't require drivers or other staff.
What a crazy county we live in!!!!
Will this do?
[Oh just go to bed! - Ed]
22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzz!!!!!
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