Monday October 28 2019

10:00 Lois and I rush out into the garden. The weather girl has said we have 3 more days before the rain starts again, and we are both very eager to carry on putting the garden to bed for the winter. And within a minute we are both down and dirty in the vegetable garden.

within minutes we are getting "down and dirty" in the vegetable garden

11:30 We come back into the house and relax with a cup of coffee on the sofa. And after the postman has delivered today's mail, we head into a neighbouring house, Stephen and Francis's, to pick up their mail - they are spending the week with their daughter in Eastbourne and her family, and they have asked us to look after their house in their absence. We find that the flat pack bookcase that the couple ordered from IKEA has been delivered, so we drag it into the house and put it down in the hall.

This is a bit sad, we think. Stephen and Francis's (as far as we know) first ever delivery of IKEA furniture, and another sign that the IKEA epidemic is now widespread in the UK, something we first read about some 16 years ago, on our go-to local news site, the influential Onion News Local .

IKEA, the fast-growing Swedish retailer of cheap home furnishings, claimed an additional 10,000 UK lifestyles in 2003, according to a report released Tuesday by the Centre for Interior Design Control.

"This epidemic of self-assembled, modernist furniture is still largely contained in densely populated urban areas, but the danger is that it will spread to other regions across the UK", CIDC spokesman Chris Greeves said on Tuesday. "As it moves, our nation will suffer almost continental levels of Scandinavian design perhaps within as little as a decade."

Greeves said IKEA is not easily controlled as it largely spreads by word of mouth.

"It passes between rooms until it has not only attacked your living room, but also your 1.5 bathrooms, your cleanly appointed kitchen and then your entire sun-drenched, open-plan loft apartment. In the most extreme cases, it will even spread to the string-light decorated roof terrace overlooking your recently gentrified neighbourhood. "

The IKEA epidemic began to attract attention in 1985, when the first UK IKEA store was diagnosed in Harwich, and almost overnight infected an estimated 2,500 homes in the Gerards Cross area with Stenkulla tables, Blankhult chairs and Ingebo sofas.

The port city of Harwich, where the epidemic was first diagnosed

from a flatpack coffee table, discovered on a Swedish ferry,

hidden in a container concealed under tons of loose meatballs.

The virus soon spread quickly to Gerards Cross (not shown).

My god, what a crazy world we live in !!! But how incredibly prophetic Greeves' words turned out to be - I know that for sure!!! Now that Stephen and Francis's house has become the latest victim of the epidemic, it's only a matter of time before mine and Lois's turn comes, and we become just another statistic - yikes!

12:00 We have lunch and afterwards I go to bed and take a gigantic afternoon nap. I get up at 3 pm and we relax with a cup of tea on the couch.

I sit down with the computer and hack through the next few pages of our Danish crime novel - Anna Grue's "The Further You Fall", which is our U3A Danish group's current project.

And as I flip through the pages, I compile a vocabulary list for each page to save our group members from having to look up the difficult words in a dictionary. I am so warm-hearted ha ha ha !!!!

Anna Grue's crime novel, "The Further You Fall,"

our U3A Danish group's current project

Anna Grue, the author of the novel

Police Detective Flemming Torp is currently investigating the killing of Lilliana, a mysterious cleaning lady, who gets mysteriously garotted whilst working late at night in the kitchens of a large Danish advertising agency, Kurt & Ko.

Police suspect the killer also works for the same agency as Lilliana, so Flemming has asked his best friend, advertising man Dan Sommerdahl, to help him with the investigation, because Dan, of course, knows the agency staff well, and has his finger on "who’s screwing who" and the like.

Police Detective Flemming Torp (left) along with

his best friend, Dan Sommerdahl and Dan's wife, Marianne

The mysterious Lilliana - no one even knows her last name - shared a dingy apartment with another mysterious woman of the same age: Sally, an African woman who unfortunately disappeared without a trace at the same time as her roomie, Lilliana, was garotted, which is strange.

Flemming and Dan have searched the two women's apartment, their wardrobes and underwear drawers, etc., to try and discover traces of the two women's identities.

Flemming is the professional when it comes to detective work, and Dan is just an advertising consultant who has fantasies about becoming a famous amateur detective.

But it's actually Dan, the amateur, who notices the biggest clue to the killer's identity so far: Lilliana, a poor young woman in a poorly paid job, has stored a bottle of expensive French champagne in her fridge - and in the gold paper around the cap is embossed the agency's logo K&K. Such bottles were custom-made for the agency's ten-year anniversary the previous year, with a distribution strictly limited to the firm’s directors and top customers. Lilliana also had a new pack of condoms on her bedside table - yikes !!!!!

The company logo, found on Lillian's bottle of expensive champagne

Another clue: just before Lilliana got killed (garotted), we read in the first chapter of the novel that at first she reacted with delight when she saw the perpetrator's face - until she suddenly realised that he was going to murder her. Could it be that the killer is actually one of the agency's top executives? That is, someone who has also been her lover, and who gave her that bottle of custom-made expensive French champagne - ha! Maybe the killer is the big chief himself, Sebastian Kurt - yikes !!!!

And today I read one more clue pointing to Sebastian Kurt. When Dan asks Sebastian, his boss, if he actually knew Lilliana, Sebastian replies that yes, he met her a few times. Dan then asks him if he ever talked to her. And Sebastian smiles and answers, "No, my Estonian is a little rusty!"

My god, what a revelation - Sebastian, the big chief, is aware that Lilliana is an Estonian, something which no one else in the company appears to know !!!!

Sebastian, however, suddenly becomes very embarrassed, after his apparent "slip of the tongue", and he abruptly cuts short his chat with Dan, with a quick "Sorry, I have a meeting in Copenhagen in an hour's time".

Can it be true that Sebastian Kurt, the filthy-rich big chief, who is married to the sexy Henriette who "looks like a photo model", has really been in the habit of visiting Lilliana, the poor Estonian, drably dressed cleaning lady, in her badly lit, musty two-bedroom apartment, to have condom-protected sex with her, on her 2 foot 6 inch wide sofa bed? It seems unlikely, to put it mildly. But we'll see - aha! The plot thickens !!!!

18:00 We have dinner. We settle down on the couch with the idea of spending the rest of the evening watching some television. But suddenly, Lois recalls that she never rang back her cousin Iris in Southport. Iris actually called us last Friday, but we pretended we weren't home and let the answering machine take the call. Unfortunately, Iris likes to talk and talk, and tonight Lois’s call to her lasts 1-2 hours - damn!

21:00 The call ends and we turn on the television. We've become a little sleepy to put it mildly, but the BBC-2 channel is showing  our favourite TV quizzes, Only Connect and University Challenge, and we get our weekly chance to try and prove that we are not yet suffering from dementia.

As usual, in University Challenge, we note down every time we come up with the correct answer, when the 8 young fresh minds of the program's student participants strike out.

Tonight our score is 6, which is not too bad, considering we are tired and the competition is between an Oxford college  team and a Cambridge college team, and the rivalry between the two teams is fierce, to put it mildly: the final score is LMH Oxford 150 Downing College Cambridge 145.

Although our "two-person team" - Lois and me - come up with 6 correct answers that the students cannot find, it is mostly thanks to Lois, I have to say.  I come up with 2 answers, while she comes with 5. 

There is one answer, we both come up with: we can both recognise the famous “Harry Lime” theme tune to the classic "Third Man" movie. But strictly speaking this is a question tailored to old crows ha ha!

Suddenly, it occurs to me that 2 out of 6 of our "triumphs" tonight in fact result from questions custom-made for old crows.

This includes another question to which I come up with the correct answer to:

I know the correct answer is "Attica State", but only because of John & Yoko's 1971 song "Attica State, Attica State, we’re all mates with Attica State".

There must be an old crow mole that has somehow infiltrated the programme's question-setters, no doubt about that !!!

Damn! Could it be that Lois and I are not as smart as we thought? But we’re not completely sure – the jury’s still out on that one.

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzzzzzz !!!!!

Danish translation

10:00 Vi skynder os ud i haven. Vejrpigen har sagt, vi har endnu 3 dage, før regnvejret starter igen, og vi er begge to meget ivrige efter at fortsætte med at putte haven i seng til vinteren. Og indenfor et minut er vi kommet ned og beskidt i grøntsagshaven.

vi kommer ned og beskidt i grøntsagshaven igen

11:30 Vi kommer tilbage ind i huset og slapper af med en kop kaffe i sofaen. Og efter postbudet har leveret dagens post, smutter vi ind i nabohuset, Stephen og Francis', for at afhente deres post – de tilbringer ugen med deres datter i Eastbourne og hendes familie, og de har bedt os om, at passe på deres hus i deres fravær. Vi opdager, at den fladpakbogreol, som parret bestilte fra IKEA, også er blevet leveret, så vi slæber den ind i huset og lægge den ned i entréen.

Dette er lidt trist, synes vi. Stephen og Francis’ først levering at IKEA-møbler nogensinde, og  endnu et tegn på, at IKEA-epidemiet har bredt sig til Storbrittanien, som vi først for 16 år siden læste om på vores go-to lokale nyhedswebsted, det indflydelsesrige Onion News Local.

IKEA, den hurtigt voksende svenske forhandler af billig boligindretning, hævdede yderligere 10.000 britiske livsstiler i 2003, ifølge en rapport, der blev offentliggjort tirsdag af Center for Interior Design Control.

"Denne epidemi af selvmonterede, modernistiske møbler er stadig stort set indeholdt i tætbefolkede byområder, men faren er, at den vil sprede sig til andre regioner i hele Storbritannien," sagde CIDC-talsmand Chris Greeves tirsdag. "I takt med at det bevæger sig, kan vores nation lide kontinentale niveauer af skandinavisk design inden for et årti."

Greeves sagde, at IKEA ikke let kontrolleres, da den stort set spreder sig fra mund til mund.

"Det passerer mellem værelser, indtil det ikke kun har angrebet din stue, men også dine 1,5 badeværelser, dit rent indrettede køkken og derefter hele din solbeskinnede, åbenlandskabede loft-lejlighed. I de mest ekstreme tilfælde vil den endda sprede sig til den streng-lysindrettede tagterrasse med udsigt over dit for nylig gentrificerede kvarter. "

IKEA-epidemien begyndte at tiltrække opmærksomhed i 1985, da den første britiske IKEA-butik blev diagnosticeret i Harwich og inficerede næsten natten over anslået 2.500 hjem med Stenkulla-borde, Blankhult-stole og Ingebo-sofaer.

Havnebyen Harwich, hvor epidemien først blev diagsnosticeret

fra en flatpak sofabord, opdaget på en svensk færge,

skjult under tonsvis af løse frikadeller

Du godeste, sikke en skør verden vi lever i !!!  Men hvor viste Greeves’ ord sig at være utrolig profetisk – det ved jeg med sikkerhed!!! Nu, hvor Stephen og Francis’ hus er blevet til epidemiens seneste offer, er det kun et spørgsmål om tid, før min og Lois’ tur kommer op, og vi bliver til intet andet, end endnu én statistik – yikes!

12:00 Vi spiser frokost og bagefter går jeg i seng for at tage en gigantisk eftermiddagslur. Jeg står op kl 15 og vi slapper af med en kop te i sofaen.

Jeg sætter mig med computeren og jaske de næste få sider af vores danske krimiroman igennem – Anna Grues ”Dybt at falde”, som er vores U3A danske gruppes nuværende projekt.

Og idet jeg blader siderne igennem, udarbejder jeg en ordforrådliste til hver side, for at spare vores gruppemedlemmer for at slå de svære ord op i en ordbog. Jeg er så varmhjertet ha ha ha!!!!

Anna Grues krimiroman, ”Dybt at falde”,

vores U3A danske gruppes nuværende projekt

Anna Grue, romanens forfatterinde

Politidetektiven Flemming Torp er for tiden i gang med at undersøge drabet af Lilliana, en mystisk rengøringsassistent, der bev garrotteret mens hun arbejdede sent på aftenen i køkkener af et stort dansk reklamebureau, ved navnet Kurt & Ko.

Politiet mistænker, at morderen også arbejder for samme bureauet som Lilliana, så har Flemming bedt sin bedste ven Dan Sommerdahl om at hjælpe ham med undersøgelsen, fordi Dan selfølgelig kender godt bureauets personale, ”hvem sover med hvem” og den slags.

Politidetektiven Flemming Torp (til venstre) sammen med

sin bedste ven, Dan Sommerdahl og Dans kone, Marianne

Den mystiske Lilliana – ingen ved hendes efternavn – delte en snusket lejlighed med en anden mystisk kvinde i samme alderen:  Sally, en afrikansk kvinde, der desværre forsvandt sporløs i grov træk samtidig  med, at hendes roomie, Lilliana, blev garrotteret, hvilket er mærkeligt.

Flemming og Dan har ransaget de to kvinders lejlighed, deres garderober og undertøjskuffer osv, for at prøve at opdage spor efter de to kvinders identiteter.

Flemming er den professionelle, når det kommer til detektivarbejde, og Dan er bare en reklamekonsulent, der har fantasier om at blive til en berømt amatørdetektiv.

Men det er faktisk Dan, amatøren, der lægger mærke til det hidtil største spor efter morderens identitet: Lilliana, en fattig ung kvinde i et dårligt betalt job, har gemt en flaske dyr fransk champagne i sit køleskab – og i guldpapiret rundt om proppen er der præget bureauets logo K&K. Sådanne flasker blev specialfremstillet til bureauets tiårs jubilæm det foregående år. Hun havde også en frisk pakke kondomer på sit natbord – yikes!!!!!

reklamebureauets logo

Og lige før Lilliana blev dræbt (garrotteret), læste vi i romanens første kapitel, at hun til at begynde med reagerede med glæde, da hun så gerningsmandens ansigt – indtil hun pludselig blev klar over, at han havde til hensigt at myrde hende. Kan det være, at morderen faktisk er en af bureauets topledelse? Dvs én, der ogsår har været hendes elsker, og at han forinden gav hende den der flaske specialfremstillede dyre franske champagne  – ha! Måske er morderen selve den høje chef, Sebastian Kurt – yikes!!!!

Og i dag læser jeg endnu ét spor, der peger på Sebastian Kurt. Da Dan spørger Sebastian, sin chef, om han faktisk kendte Lilliana, Sebastian svarer, at han mødt hende et par gange. Dan spørger ham så, om han har talt med hende. Og Sebastian ler og svarer, ”Nej, mit estiske er lidt rustent!”

Du godeste, sikke en afsløring – Sebastian, den høje chef, er vidende om, at Lilliana er ester, hvilket ingen anden i selskabet vidste!!!!

Og Sebastian bliver pludselig meget pinlig, efter sin tilsyneladende ”fortalelse”, og afslutter abrupt sin omtale med Dan, med et hurtigt ”Undskyld, jeg har et møde inde København om en times tid”.

Kan det være sandt, at Sebastian Kurt, den stenrige høje chef, der er giftet med den sexede Henriette, som ”ser ud som en fotomodel”, virkelig har haft for vane at besøge Lilliana, den fattige estiske, kedeligt klædt rengøringsdame i hendes dårligt belysede, hengemte to-værelses lejlighed for at have kondom-beskyttet sex med hende på hendes smalle sofaseng? Det virker usandsynligt, for at sige mildt. Men vi får se – aha! Knuden strammes!!!!

18:00 Vi spiser aftensmad. Vi. Vi sætter os til rette i sofaen med det formål af, at bruge resten af aftenen på at se lidt fjernsyn. Men pludselig mindes Lois om, at hun ikke har ringet tilbage til sin kusine Iris i Southport. Iris ringede os faktisk i fredags, men vi lavede som om, vi ikke var hjemme, og lod telefonsvarer tage opkaldet. Desværre kan Iris lide at snakke og snakke, og opkaldet varer sammenlagt 1-2 timer – pokkers!

21:00 Opkaldet slutter og vi tænder for fjernsynet. Vi er blevet lidt søvnige for at sige mildt, men BBC-2 kanalen  viser vores yndlings tv-quizzer, Only Connect og University Challenge, og vi får vores ugentlige chance for at prøve at bevise, at vi ikke endnu lide af demens.

Som sædvanligt noterer vi hver gang, vi kommer med det korrekte svar i University Challenge, mens de 8 unge friske hjerner på programmets studerende-deltagere er på bar bund. I aften er vores score 6, hvilket ikke er for dårligt, i betragtning af, at vi er trætte, og konkurrencen er mellem en Oxford colleges 4-mands hold og en Cambridge colleges, og rivaliseringen mellem de to hold er skarp, for at sige mildt: den finale score er 150-145.

Selvom vores ”tomandshold” – Lois og mig – kommer med 6 korrekte svar, som de studerende ikke kan finde på,  er det for det meste takket være Lois, det må jeg nok sige: jeg kommer med 2 svar, hun kommer med 5 – ét svar, kommer vi begge to med: vi kan begge to genkende den berømte kendingsmelodi til den klassiske ”Third Man” film. Strengt taget, et spørgsmål skræddersyet til gamle krager ha ha!

Pludselig falder det mig ind, at 2 ud af 6 af vores ”triumfer” i aften resulterer fra spørgsmål, specielfremstillede til gamle krager.

Et andet spørgsmål, som jeg kommer med det korrekte svar til, er også specielfremstillet til gamle krager:

Jeg kommer med det korrekte svar ”Attica State”, men kun på grund af John & Yokos 1971-sang ”Attica State, Attica State, We’re all mates with Attica State!”.

Der må være en gammel krage-muldvarp, der har infiltreret programmets spørgsmålstillere, ingen tvivl om det!!!

Pokkers! Det kan være, at Lois og jeg ikke er så smarte, som vi troede.

22:00 Vi går i seng – zzzzzzzzzz!!!!!