Monday November 18 2019

09:00 The sun is shining for once, so Lois and I tumble straight out of bed and after breakfast we rush out into the backyard to prune our eater apple tree, also to use the hoe and rake to break up the soil in those areas of the vegetable garden which we weeded a few weeks ago. I don't know anything about gardening, I just do what Lois tells me to do ha ha ha!

I don't know anything about gardening - I just do

what Lois tells me to do ha ha ha!

I just hope that next year we can avoid the fate of local woman Margie Helmholtz, who recently hit the headlines on our go-to local news site Onion News.

PRESTBURY, GLOS: After months of watering, mulching, staking, fertilising, pruning and spraying each plant, local homeowner Margie Helmholtz confirmed Wednesday that a whole summer of tending  her backyard had led to only one edible cherry tomato.

According to sources, Helmholtz paid more than £216 for soil, fencing, pesticides and special gloves and hand tools, and she also spent dozens of hours studying gardening, buying two books and visiting nearly a dozen websites on the subject before harvesting her single tomato.

It is being reported locally that the 39-year-old woman spent part of every weekend on all fours in the driving rain transplanting seedlings to her garden, keeping them free of weeds and ensuring that the thorny vines of the plants were wrapped properly around their trellis. However all the actions carried out from late May to August produced exactly one limp tomato, about an inch in diameter.

At press time, sources reported that the cherry tomato tasted "fucking awful".

My god, poor Margie! And I make myself a mental note: "I'd better avoid the topic of gardening and mini tomatoes the next time I see Marge round at one of the local pubs" – that’s for sure!!!

Margie is only 39 years old, but Lois and I are almost twice her age, at 73, and our joints (and other things) are hurting as we stagger back into the house. My god, we're getting old, no doubt about that !!!!

12:00 We have lunch and afterwards I go to bed and take a gigantic afternoon nap. I get up at 3 pm and I rush into the kitchen. I make 2 cups of tea and two slices of bread with homemade greengage jam - yum yum!

15:30 I take a look at my smartphone and I see that Alison, our daughter in Haslemere, Surrey, has posted a charming photo of her 11-year-old daughter Rosalind on Facebook. 

Rosalind and her 13-year-old sister, Josie, went on a school outing to London yesterday to watch Arsenal women's soccer team play against Chelsea women's soccer team - the outing was organised by the girls' new gym teacher who has become widely known for liking to encourage girls to play football, traditionally a sport for men and boys.

The girls selected to go on this outing also got the chance to meet some of Arsenal's female players, and Rosalind's photo was taken with two of the team's Dutch stars: Danielle van der Donk and Jill Roord. My goodness - what an amazing experience for our 2 young grandchildren!

Rosalind (left) along with 2 of Arsenal women's soccer team’s

Dutch stars: Danielle van der Donk (right) and Jill Roord (standing behind)

- good grief, what an incredible experience for our young grandchildren!

16:00 My friend, "Magyar" Mike, calls me. He says he has decided not to come here tomorrow to take part in our weekly "Hungarian hour": he says the weather girl has said it will freeze hard tonight and the hill up to his house is already very wet due to the recent heavy rainfall. He is afraid that the road will be very slippery and dangerous tomorrow morning, and frankly I do not blame him for his nervousness.

On the other hand, it’s certainly true that Mike has become increasingly hesitant when it comes to driving a car anywhere outside of his hometown, Nailsworth - I have to say. It may be that our so-called "Hungarian hours" - which started as long as 25 years ago, can you believe - may be over before too long. But I'm not completely sure - the jury is still out on that one.

Flashback to March 1994: "Magyar" Mike in happier times, and my first photo

ever of him: Mike, dressed as a Hungarian pimp, pretends to emerge from the back door

of the town of Pécs's notoriously sordid "Madame Pompadour" nightclub

18:00 Lois and I have dinner and spend the rest of the evening watching some television, the second episode of an interesting documentary on the Smithsonian channel in the series "America in Colour": this episode tells the story of the 1930’s using old black and white news clips and home movies from the decade, all recently colourised.

A fascinating episode, and Lois and I learn a lot of things we didn't know before. We did not know, for example, that there was a fire in the White House on Christmas Eve 1929. The iconic Oval Office was completely destroyed, it seems.

Of course, Lois and I learned in school that the British burned the White House down in 1814. And the fact of suffering only 2 fires in 100 years was probably not too excessive from the insurance company's point of view. Especially as I expect the company did not pay anything to the president in 1814 - the company was probably very happy that the fire was just an act of war, and not caused by faulty electrical wiring, as in 1929.

I know that presidents have traditionally always done their best to keep insurance costs down as far as possible.

I well remember a decision by George W Bush in 2007 to improve security at the White House (source: Onion News).

WASHINGTON, DC – Citing a need for increased national security measures President Bush has added 8 inches to the 12-foot fence surrounding his residence at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

"The president has always been a strong proponent of domestic security, and this brave decision says to any potential burglar that if you want to get into his house, you will have an extra eight inches to contend with," said White House press secretary Tony Snow at a news conference Monday.

Snow added that the president will also leave the TV and the lights on every time he and the first lady go out. "In addition, the president has got another watchdog, and from now on, the garage doors will always be closed." While Snow denied rumours that Bushes was considering moving to a safer suburb nearby, he confirmed that the new "This White House Protected by a Home Security System" sign on the front lawn is actually just a smart deterrent.

George W Bush - improved security at the White House in 2007

In tonight’s “America in Colour”, we also see a number of charming home movies, including a clip of Herbert Hoover in 1930 teaching one of his grandchildren how to fish.

President Herbert Hoover, teaching one of his grandchildren

how to fish - a clip shot by Hoover's wife

Hoover was a self-made businessman who did not believe that governments should get involved in trying to fix the economy in bad times. Roosevelt, the next president, believed the opposite, it seems. Why did Roosevelt's policy work so well, considering that such policies are usually disasters? Or was it World War II that really saved the economy? Lois and I don't know enough to answer this question. We will have to do some more research in this area, that's for sure.

We see touching home movie clips showing Amelia Earhart as she was about to embark on her attempt to fly around the world, an attempt that ended in tragedy somewhere over the sea, though she and her plane were never found.

Finally we see funny home movie clips of the filming of the world's first technicolour movie, "The Wizard of Oz" in 1939 in Hollywood. We see the actors fooling around during breaks between takes, including Bert Jahr, who played the lion.

Bert's costume weighed 100 pounds, so it was like having to carry a skinny 7 stone photo model on his back throughout the shoot – my god, what madness !!!

Bert later said he never worked again after “Oz” - he was typecast forever as a lion, which was a bit of a shame. There should be more roles for lions - no doubt about that! Poor Bert ha ha ha!

21:00 We continue to watch some television, two TV quizzes, "Only Connect" or "University Challenge".

As usual, on behalf of the country's millions of old crows, Lois and I try to compete with the programme's fresh young brains. "University Challenge" is even more of a challenge tonight than usual, because what we are watching is the first quiz in the season’s second round - half of the competing teams (the weakest presumably) have now been eliminated. Also the questions are harder in the second round - yikes!

We come up with 2 correct answers to questions in Only Connect that participants have no idea about, and also 5 in University Challenge, including this interesting question that required knowledge of Roman numerals, classic Italian films from the 1960’s, and basic maths.

The perfect question for old crows in other words ha ha ha!

22:00 We go to bed - zzzzzz !!!!

Danish translation

09:00 Solen skinner for en gangs skyld, så derfor vælter Lois og jeg straks ud af sengen og efter morgenmad skynder vi os ud i baghaven for at beskære vores spiseæbletræ, også for at smuldre med hakken og riven jorden i de områder af grøntsagshaven, som vi lugede for et par uger siden. Jeg ved ikke noget om havearbejde, jeg gør bare dét, Lois beder mig om at gøre ha ha ha!

Jeg ved ikke noget om havearbejde – jeg gør bare

dét, Lois beder mig om at gøre ha ha ha!

Jeg håber på, at næste år kan vi undgå skæbnen af den lokale kvinde Margie Helmholtz, der for nylig ramte overskrifterne på vores go-to lokale nyhedswebsted Onion News.

PRESTBURY, GLOS: Efter måneder med vanding, jorddækning, indsætning, gødning, beskæring og sprøjtning af hver plante, bekræftede den lokale husejer Margie Helmholtz onsdag, at en hel sommer med at pleje hendes baghaven havde ført til kun én spiselig kirsebærtomat.

Ifølge kilderne betalte Helmholtz mere end 216£ for jord, hegn, pesticider og specialhandsker og håndværktøjer, og hun brugte også snesevis af timer på studiet af havearbejde, købt to bøger og besøgt næsten et dusin websteder om emnet før at hun høstede sin enkelt tomat.

Det siges, at den 39-årige kvinde har tilbragt en del af hver weekend på alle fire i den brændende varme for at transplantere frøplanter til hendes have, holde dem fri for ukrudt og sikre, at planternes tornede vinstokke blev pakket korrekt rundt om deres espalier - men handlingerne, der blev taget sammen fra slutningen af maj til august, producerede nøjagtigt én slap tomat, der var cirka en tomme i diameter.

På pressetidspunktet rapporterede kilder, at kirsebærtomaten smagte ”fucking forfærdelig”.

Du godeste, stakkels Margie! Og jeg skriver mig det bag øret:  ”må hellere undgå emnet havearbejde og mini-tomater, næste gang jeg ser hende på én af de lokale pubber”  - det ved jeg med sikkerhed!!!

Margie er kun 39-år gammel, men Lois og jeg er næsten to gange hendes alder, på 73 år, og vi har ondt i ledene (og andetsteds), da vi vakler tilbage ind i huset. Du godeste, vi bliver gamle, ingen tvivl om det!!!!

12:00 Vi spiser frokost og bagefter går jeg i seng for at tage en gigantisk eftermiddagslur. Jeg står op kl 15 og jeg skynder mig ind i køkkenet. Jeg laver en kop te og to stykker brød med hjemmerlavet reineclaudemarmelade – yum yum!

15:30 Jeg kigger lidt på min smartphone, og jeg ser, at Alison, vores datter i Haslemere, Surrey, har lagt et charmerende foto af sin 11-årige datter Rosalind op på Facebook. Rosalind og hendes 13-årige søster Josie, tog i går på skoleudflugt til London for at se Arsenals kvindefodboldhold spiller mod Chelsea kvindefodboldhold – udflugten var arrangeret af pigernes nye gymnastiklærer, der er blevet meget kendt for at kan lide at opmuntre piger til at spille fodbold, traditionelt en sport for mænd og drenge.

De piger, der blev valgt at gå på denne udflugt, fik også chancen for at møde nogle af Arsenals kvindelige spillere, og Rosalinds foto blev taget sammen med to af holdets hollandske stjerner: Danielle van der Donk og Jill Roord. Du godeste - sikke en utrolig oplevelse for vores 2 unge børnebørn!

Rosalind (til venstre) sammen med 2 af Arsenals damefodboldholds

hollandske stjerner: Danielle van der Donk (til højre) og Jill Roord (stående bagved)

- du godeste, sikke en utrolig oplevelse for vores unge børnebørn!

16:00 Min ven, ”Magyar” Mike, ringer til mig. Han siger, han har besluttet ikke at komme her i morgen for at deltage i vores ugentlige ”ungarske time”: han siger, at vejrpigen har sagt, det kommer til at fryse hårdt i nat, og bakken op til hans hus er allerede meget våd på grund af det nylige kraftige regnvejr. Han er bange for, at vejen bliver meget glat og farlig i morgen tidligt, og ærligt talt bebyrder jeg ham ikke for hans nervøsitet.

På den anden side er Mike blevet mere og mere tøvende, når det kommer til at køre bil udenfor sin hjemmeby, Nailsworth  - det må jeg nok sige. Det kan være, at vores ”ungarske timer” - som startede for så længe som 25 år siden, kan du tro - er muligvis ved at være slut. Men det er jeg ikke helt sikker på – juryen er stadig ude om det.

Tilbageblik til marts 1994: ”Magyar” Mike i lykkeligere tider, og mit første foto

nogensinde af ham: han lader som om han dukker frem fra bagdøren

af byen Pécs’ berygtede og uanstændige ”Madame Pompadour” natklub

18:00 Vi spiser aftensmad og bruger resten af aftenen på at se lidt fjernsyn, det 2. afsnit af en interessant dokumentarfilm på Smithsonian-kanalen i serien ”USA i farver”: dette afsnit fortæller historien af tiåret ved hjælp af gamle sort-og-hvide nyhedsklip og hjemmefilm fra 1930’erne, alle for nylig kolorerede.

Et fascinerende afsnit, og Lois og jeg lærer en masse ting, vi ikke vidste før. Vi vidste ikke for eksempel, at der var en ildebrand i det Hvide Hus på juleaften 1929. Det ikoniske Ovale Kontor var helt ødelagt, lader det til.

Selvfølgelig  lærte Lois og jeg i skole, at briterne nedbrændte det i 1814. Og dét, at få kun 2 ildebrande i 100 år var sandsynligvis  ikke for excessivt set ud fra forsikringsselkabets synspunkt. Derudover forventer jeg, at selskabet betalte ikke noget til præsidenten i 1814 – selskabet var sandsynligvis meget glad for, at ildebranden bare var en krigshandling, og ikke forårsaget af defekte elektriske ledninger, som i 1929.

Jeg ved, at præsidenter traditionelt altid har gjort deres bedste til at holde forsikringsomkostninger ned så vidt som muligt.

Jeg kan huske godt en beslutning af George W Bush i 2007 at forbedre sikkerheden på det Hvide Hus (kilde: Onion News).

WASHINGTON, DC - Præsident Bush henviste til et behov for øgede nationale sikkerhedsforanstaltninger da han tilføjede 8 tommer til det 12-fods hegn, der omgiver hans bopæl ved 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

"Præsidenten har altid været en stærk fortaler for indenrigssikkerhed, og denne modige beslutning siger til enhver potentiel indbrudstyv, at hvis du vil komme ind i hans hus, vil du have en ekstra otte tommer til at kæmpe med," sagde White Husets pressesekretær Tony Snow på en nyhedsmøde mandag.

Snow tilføjede, at præsidenten også vil forlade tv'et og lysene tændt hver gang han og den første dame går ud. "Desuden fik præsidenten en anden vagthund, og fra nu af vil garageportene altid være lukket." Mens Snow benægtede rygter om, at Bushes overvejede at flytte til en mere sikker forstad i nærheden, bekræftede han, at det nye "Dette Hvide Hus beskyttet af et hjemmesikkerhedssystem" tegn på den forreste græsplæne faktisk bare er et smart afskrækkende middel.

George W Bush – forbedrede sikkerheden på det Hvide Hus i 2007

I aften ser vi også en række charmerende hjemmefilm, inklusive et klip af Herbert Hoover i 1930 i færd med at lære ét af sine børnebørn hvordan man skal fiske.

Præsident Herbert Hoover, i færd med at lære ét af sine børnebørn

hvoran man skal fiske – et klip skudt af Hoovers kone

Hoover var en selvfremsstillet forretningsmand, der ikke troede på, at regeringer skal blive involveret i at prøve at fikse økonomien i dårlige tider. Roosevelt, den næste præsident, troede på det modsatte, lader det til. Hvorfor virkede Roosevelts politik så godt i betragtningen af, at sådanne nogle politikker sædvanligvis er katastrofer? Lois og jeg ikke ved nok til at besvare dette spørgsmål. Vi må hellere gøre lidt forskning i dette område – det har vi ikke nogen tvivl om !

Vi ser rørende hjemmefilmklip, der viser Amelia Erhardt, da hun var ved at starte på sit forsøg at flyver verden rundt, et forsøg, der endte i tragedie et eller andet sted over havet, selvom hun og hendes fly aldrig blev fundet.

Til sidst ser vi morsomme hjemmefilmklip af optagelsen af verdens første technicolour film, ”Trollmanden fra Oz” i 1939 i Hollywood. Vi ser skuespillerne fjolle rundt i pauser mellem optagelser, herunder Bert Jahr, som spillede løven.

Berts kostume vejede 100 pund, så det var ligesom dét, at skulle bære en afpillet 7 stens fotomodel på ryggen under hele tagelsen - du godeste, sikke et vanvid!!!

Bert sagde senere, at han aldrig igen arbejdede – han var kategoriseret for evigt som en løve, hvilket var lidt af en skam. Der burde være flere roller for løver – ingen tvivl om det!  Stakkels Bert ha ha ha!

21:00 Vi fortsætter med at se lidt fjernsyn, to tv-quizzer, ”Only Connect” of ”University Challenge”.

Som sædvanligt prøver Lois og jeg, på vegne til landets millioner af gamle krager, at konkurrere med programmernes friske unge hjerner. ”University Challenge” er endnu mere af en udfordring i aften, fordi dét vi ser er den første quiz i sæsonens 2. omgang, så er halvdelen af de konkurrende hold (de svageste formodentlig) nu blevet elimineret. Også spørgsmålene er sværere i det 2. omgang – yikes!

Vi kommer med 2 korrekte svar til spørgsmålene i Only Connect, svar, som deltagerne ikke har den fjerneste anelse om, og også 5 i University Challenge, inklusive dette interessante spørgsmål, der krævede viden om romerske tal, klassiske italienske film fra 1960’erne, og grundlæggende matematik.

Det perfekte spørgsmål for gamle krager med andre ord ha ha ha!

22:00 Vi går i seng – zzzzzz!!!!