Mandag den 18. december 2017

04:00 Jeg står tidligt op og kigger lidt på nettet i spisestuen. Det er koldt, så sætter jeg min lille elektriske varmeblæser til og tænder den. Snart har jeg det dejlig varmt – mmmmm!!!! Jeg er derfor lidt overrasket, da Lois skynder sig kl 8 ned ad trappen, og spørger mig, hvorfor huset er så koldt: alle radiatorerne er kolde, og centralvarmekedlen er gået i stykker – pokkers!  

Jeg ringer til det lokale centralvarmeforretning, og taler med deres lokale blikkenslager, men han siger, at han har meget travlt i dag, men han lover at ringe tilbage til mig senere på dagen, hvis muligt. Pokkers (igen)! Vi har heldigvis en gaskamin i stuen, også to elektriske varmeblæsere, så vi tænder dem alle. Jeg har for nemmelse også, at vi engang havde en elektrisk vandvarmer, men jeg kan ikke huske, hvor afbryderen er: vi må derfor koge vand i kedlen – pokkers!

Lois og jeg er to gamle krager, og situationen er ganske nostalgisk og minder os om vores barndom, da de fleste mennesker ikke havde noget centralvarmeanlæg: vi tog det som givet, at det var koldt i huset om vinteren, hvis man ikke sad og varmede sig foran pejsen eller komfuret, og det var koldt i soveværelset om aftenen og om morgenen. Det var bare en kendsgerning i livet.

17:00 Blikkenslageren (Jeff) ringer tilbage til mig: han kan smutte ind hos os om lidt. Han kører forbi og går i gang i køkkenet med at undersøge kedlen. Desværre opdager han at kedlens computeriserede kontrolsystem (kun 10 år gammel) er gået i stykker, og han er ikke helt sikker på, at han kan få fat i et nyt før jul. Forretningen lukker og standser arbejdet onsdag aften og genåbner ikke indtil nytåret – pokkers!

Jeg snakker lidt med Jeff på en jordnær måde, så jeg kan give indtryk af, at jeg er en almindelig, gennemsnitlig, menigmand, ligesom ham. Jeg lader som om jeg kender til centralvarmesystemer, ved at bruge hvad Lois og jeg kalder ”Snell-metoden”.

Dave Snell ramte de lokale overskrifter for mange år siden, da han forsøgte at skjule sin uvidenhed om bilreparation  ved at nikke bevidst på et lokalt servicecenter, da en mekaniker var i gang med at forklare den præcis karakter af Snells bilproblem (rapport den 9. maj 2001, kilde: Onion Local News).

"Han fortalte mig, at bilen havde som en defekt generatorstik - noget, der absolut skal fikseres," og på dette tidspunkt fortsatte Snell med at nikke endnu mere hurtigt med sit meget sigende blik, på den nu lokalt velkendt måde.

Snell indrømmede imidlertid til lokale journalister, at hans risikable bluff næsten gav bagslag, da mekanikeren spurgte ham, hvilke slags kløft han plejede at opretholde i sine tændrør. Den hurtigttænkende Snell svarede med det samme: "Omkring det sædvanlige beløb."

Snell i sin storhedstid, som 39-årig, lokal mand.

Bare jeg var så hurtigttænkende som Snell, der er velkendt i det lokale område for at kunne ramme jorden løbende – det ved jeg med sikkerhed! Jeff, vores blikkeslager, bliver desværre hurtigt klar over min ægte tekniske hjælpeløshed, da jeg fortæller ham, at jeg ikke kan finde vores gamle vandvarmerafbryder, hvor det plejede at være – i vores luftningskab, og jeg siger så derfor, at jeg formoder, at den er blevet fjernet på ét eller andet tidspunkt. 

Jeff finder hurtigt ud af, at afbryderen simpelthen er blevet flyttet til væggen lige ved siden af luftningskabet. På dette tidspunkt føler jeg mig lidt dum, for at sige mildt, det må jeg indrømme.

Sikke en klassisk nybegyndefejl, eller snarere, en klassisk ”gammelt menneskes fejl”.  Jeg synes, at det ældre menneskes glemsomhed ofte karakteriseres af at ikke huske nylige forandringer. For eksempel, hvis man flytter tallerkener fra det ene køkkenskab til et andet efter at have holdt dem i det første skab i årevis, søger man dem første i det gamle skab, før at huske pludselig sin fejl. Sikke et vanvid!!!!!

17:30 Jeff skal af sted. Han lover at ringe til mig, når han har information om, hvornår systemet kan fikseres.

18:00 Jeg føler mig som om, jeg har spildt dagen på at vente på Jeffs telefonopkald og kort besøg. Men Lois har været så produktiv som sædvanligt, og har fuldført den seneste fase i ”projekt julekage”. Sikke en kvinde, jeg giftede mig med!!!

Lois har fuldført den seneste fase af ”projekt julekage”

18:30 Vi spiser aftensmad og bruger resten af aftenen på at lytte til radio og se lidt fjernsyn. Vi hører et interessant radioprogram, der handler om julevaner i Island. Programmets vært er den charmerende Andri Snær Magnuson.

Lois og jeg er ganske søvnige, og vi sidder og glider ind og ud af søvnen under programmet, men vi bliver meget imponeret af Grylas bedrifter og færdigheder. Hun er en heks, der for nylig fyldte 900 år gammel, men hun har ikke mistet noget af sin energi. Hun spiser børn, men også føder hun børn med en forbavsende regulær hyppighed – hun har født mange tusendvis af dem. Men det er desværre ikke helt klart, hvem far (eller fædre) er.

Lois og jeg kommer til den konklusion, at  svangerskabsperioder må være meget meget kortere i Island, hvor natterne er meget lange om vinteren, og der er ikke ret meget at lave bortvist fra at undfange børn.

Islandske kvæg kan alle tale på nytårsaften, hvilket må være meget uhyggeligt, synes vi! Men Lois  mindes, at der også er en tradition i England, at dyrene alle kan tale ved midnatstid på juleaften.

Dette mindre mirakel er tilsyneladende forsinket i Island, fordi det sker ca. 7 dage senere, end i England, sandsynligvis på grund af tidforskellen, formoder vi. Island ligger mange miles vest for England, ude i Atlanterhavet, og jorden vender sig langsomt nogle tider.

Andri Snær Magnuson (til venstre)

sammen med Bjork, den berømte islandske sangerinde

Programmets vært, den charmerende Andri Snær Magnuson, spekulerer om, om Islands mange forfærdelige myter, børnespisende uhyrer, giganter og hekse osv blev opdigtet af landets forældre for at forskrække deres børn fra at vandre for langt væk fra stuehuset og fare vild i sneen.

Det kan jeg godt tro – jeg har set mange islandske krimifilm på fjernsyn, og jeg kan bekræfte, at alle islændinger, der om natten vandrer væk fra stuehuset, møde en forfærdelig skæbne – uden undtagelse! Yikes!!!!

English translation

04:00 I get up early and have a little look online in the dining room. It's cold, so I plug my little electric blow-heater in and turn it on. Soon I am nice and warm - mmmmm !!!! So I'm a little surprised when Lois hurries downstairs at 8 am and asks me why the house is so cold: all the radiators are cold and the central heating boiler has broken down - damn!

I call the local central heating firm and talk to their local plumber, but he says he is very busy today, promises to call me back later in the day if possible. Damn (again)!

Fortunately, we have a gas fire in the living room, also two electric blow-heaters, so we turn them all on. I have a feeling we once had an electric immersion heater, but I do not remember where the switch is: so we have to boil water in the kettle – damn it!

Lois and I are two old crows - this situation is quite nostalgic for us and reminds us of our childhood, when most people did not have a central heating system: we took it for granted then that it would be cold in the house in the winter if you did not sit and warm yourself in front of the fire or stove, and that it would be cold in the bedroom in the evenings and in the mornings. It was just a fact of life.

17:00 The plumber (Jeff) calls me back: he says can pop in in a few minutes. He swings by and goes into the kitchen to investigate the boiler. Unfortunately he discovers that the boiler's computerized control system (only 10 years old) has broken and he is not quite sure that he can get a new one before Christmas. The company closes and stops work Wednesday evening and does not open until the new year - damn it!

I chat a little bit with Jeff in a down-to-earth way, so I can give the impression that I'm a regular average human like him. I pretend I know about central heating systems, by using what Lois and I call the "Snell Method".

Dave Snell hit the local headlines many years ago at a local car repair shop, when he tried to conceal his ignorance of car repairs by nodding knowingly when a mechanic was busy explaining the exact nature of Snell's car problem (report May 9 2001, source: Onion Local News).

"He told me that the car had a defective generator plug - something that should definitely be fixed," and at this point, Snell continued to nod even faster with a very meaningful look, in his now locally famous way.

However, Snell later admitted to local journalists that his risky bluff almost backfired when the mechanic asked him what kind of gap he usually maintained in his spark plugs. The quick-thinking Snell immediately answered: "About the usual amount."

Snell in his heyday, as a 39-year-old local man.

If only I was as quick-thinking as Snell, who is well-known in the local area for being able to hit the ground running - no doubts about that! 

Jeff, our plumber, unfortunately soon becomes aware of my true technical helplessness, when I tell him that I cannot find our old immersion heater switch where it used to be - in our airing cupboard, and so I say that I suppose it must have been removed at some time or other.

Jeff quickly finds out that the switch has simply been moved to the wall right next to the airing cupboard. At this point I feel a little silly, to put it mildly, I have to admit.

What a classic rookie error, or rather, a classic "old man's mistake". I think that the forgetfulness of the elderly is often characterized by not remembering recent changes. For example, if you move plates from one kitchen cupboard to another after keeping them in the first cupboard for years, you always look for them first in the old cupboard before suddenly remembering one's mistake. What madness !!!!!

17:30 Jeff has to leave. He promises to call me when he has information about when the system can be fixed.

18:00 I feel like I wasted the day waiting for Jeff's phone call and short visit. But Lois has been as productive as usual and has completed the latest phase of "Project Christmas Cake". What a woman I married !!!

Lois has completed the latest phase of "Project Christmas Cake"

18:30 We have dinner and spend the rest of the evening listening to the radio and watching some television. We hear an interesting radio program all about Christmas customs in Iceland. The host of the program is the charming Andri Snær Magnuson.

Lois and I are quite sleepy and we sit and drift in and out of sleep during the program, but we are very impressed with Gryla's achievements and skills. She is a witch who recently turned 900 years old, but she has not lost any of her energy. She eats children, but she also gives birth to children with astonishingly regular frequency - she has borne many thousands of them. But it is unfortunately not clear who the father (or fathers) are/were.

Lois and I come to the conclusion that gestation periods may be much much shorter in Iceland, where the nights are very long in the winter, and there is not much to do apart from from conceiving children.

Icelandic cattle can all speak on New Year's Eve, which must be very creepy, we think! But Lois remembers that there is also a tradition in England that animals can all speak at midnight on Christmas Eve.

This minor miracle is apparently delayed in Iceland because it happens about 7 days later than in England, probably because of the time difference, we suppose. Iceland is located many miles west of England, out in the Atlantic, and the earth turns slowly sometimes.

Andri Snær Magnuson (left)

together with Bjork, the famous Icelandic singer

The host of the program, the charming Andri Snær Magnuson, wonders if Iceland's many terrible myths, child-eating monsters, giants and witches etc. were invented by the country's parents to discourage their children from walking too far away from the farmhouse and getting lost in the snow.

I can well believe that. I have seen many Icelandic crime films on television, and I can confirm that all Icelanders who walk away from the farmhouse at night come to a horrible end – and no exceptions! Yikes !!!!

22:00 We go to bed – zzzzzzzz!!!!!!